Pete, Kitty, Lockheed and Meggan Belong to Marvel not me... they seriously need to get Pete and Kitty back together
The thoughts inside the "~"s are the ones directly from the comic(Excalibur 120) . All spoken dialouge in this part is from the comic as well
Parting Thoughts
By Hika-chan
Chapter 2: Always Too Hard on Herself- Pete to Kitty
I'm packing... I'm leaving... leaving her, and she's looking at me, I can feel it. But I can't look at her, because if I do I'll stay and then the same thing will happen again some other time. Wisdom you wanker you know that's not true. She's the most pure and innocent woman on the face of this planet. It's that naivate', that pureness that led to her mistake isn't it? You know it. But that's what you love about her. She never lied to you, she's probably never lied period. True she didn't tell me what happened when she first got back but that's because she was confused, she was trying to sort it out. She's got an analytical mind like that ya know... I know, I mean.. I talk to meself wierd but that doesn't matter right now. That scientific analytical mind o' her's wants everything sorted out good and well before you go into anything. Too bad you can't seem to accept that in this case. She should have told you right out as soon as you saw each other again.
"So this is it huh?" She says. Her voice contains some defeat, like she's half way to giving up. But she's not giving up just yet. She's stuborn like that.. I always loved that about her. But I can't hardly believe she said that, it's just so.. cliche', so... so ... so not her. Or do you really know her as well as you think you do? Of course not. That was, no is part of the beauty that is Kitty. If she were easy to figure out then she wouldn't have been so goddamn irresistable, now would she? The fact that I know her so well and not at the same time, that she could always surprise me... that she loved me. That always surprised me... that she could love a bloke like me.
"Looks like it." I suppose that's an automated response. Not excatly a resounding "yes" but sure as sod not a "NO of course I'm bloody staying!" Perhaps she just needed to fill the air with some noise. I know the silence was begginin' to bug me. We always thought alike like that. I try not to smile at that little thought. We knew each other so well and we didn't even try. It's like... I guess it's like Meggan or somethin', but we never need her powers to be on the same wavelength. I need smoke in me lungs, wash out some o' that fresh air. As though it will wash out some of that purity you gave me. That light you put in my heart. As though it could wash away my feelings for you and the hurt they caused. Well we know THAT's not going to happen.
I pull out a fag anyway. "Will you be back?" I'm actually happy that she asked. It's hard 'cause she's tryin' to cover up her feelin's enough so she can talk right, but I can hear that little bit o' desperate plea in her question. Or maybe I don't hear it, maybe I just know it's there. Just like I know I should throw my suitcase on the floor grab her and kiss her. I want to put all my hurt, betrayal, pain, love, and desire all in one bleedin' kiss and make her feel it. Make her feel that I still want her.
I light it between my fingertips. "Depends." You're such an awful sod fer answerin' her like that. But I can't right say that the answer is "yes" becasuse I honestly don't know. I don't right know if I'd be willing to take the chance again, because I hate this pain. I can stand anything you throw at me physically, but emotionally?
"On?" I don't know, I really don't. On how much booze I drink, on what it makes me do. On if I get dragged inta somethin'. On if I die. Depends on if some leftover Black Air toerags or anyone else from me past like Sari catch me when I'm passed out. On if I'm able to pick up the pieces of my heart. Depends on if it's too late when I do that...
"Dunno Pryde. It just depends." I look over at her just after she looks away, too late to catch her eye. Too late... I don't wanna be too late. Do I forgive you? I dunno, Can I forgive you, more'n likely. But in time? Knowin' me, the way I am, how bloody stubborn I am I'll be too late. By the time I let go of my stubborn pride it'll be too late to get my beautiful, even more stubborn, Pryde back.
"That's not fair, Peter." She's right. "We parted on a bad note." Right again. "I was having doubts about our relationship." she was? why? Just because of your fight? "Nothing actually happened between Rigby Fallon and me. I just felt... something" Something... and what is 'something' exactly?
"Something different than what I feel for you -" Was it any better? "- Mostly because he and I are the same age -" So if I were younger you wouldn'ta felt 'something' for the wanker? "- But nothing like what you and I share. I'm not asking you to like it," Good thing. 'Cause I hate it. "but can't you at least see my side?"
Her side... her side. She was having doubts.. was I? Of course I was always having doubts, especially before her. Doubts about letting people in, doubts that I could keep them alive.. and I can't. If I could Culley wouldn'tve died.. but this isn't about that. But at the same time it is. If he hadn't have gotten in trouble then Kitty never would've taken me to London. An' if he hadn't o' died then I wouldn'ta gotten on my vengeful streak, and she wouldn'tve found out that I acutally care. Care about the job that needs doin'... because I care about people. And people need to be taken care of, saved from themselves and the world.
"Why should I?" Saved from people that would go after them to get ta me.
"Peter if you can't answer that for yourself..." I already know, she was scared. Like I always used to be. I was always scared of getting close. Until I found her. When I was wih her I wasn't afraid of anything... except one. I was afraid I would lose her, loose her to death. But apparently that wasn't the kind of loss I should have worried about. I doubted she would live through our relationship. She probably doubted I would live through it. After all how many times have I almost died or got hurt already already? Rasputin, then Nate Grey, Sari, the Sidri.. though she wasn't exactly there to witness those last two. I think she was scared she wouldn't be able to save me. She would prolly die if I died while she was there and still not able to save me... I know I would if she did.
"Then maybe this is for the best."
~I can imagine what she's thinkin' right now. "A chance at genuine happiness stares you dead in the face for the first time in your miserable life, and what do you do..? Pack your bags. All because some 'bird' broke what's left of your heart. Think you're being a real man, sneaking out of my life, out of Excalibur, as quietly as you snuck in? That's no 'man'. That's a bloody coward. A real man doesn't hide his feelings from his friends. He shares them, regardless of the consequences." And she'd be right. I should tell her how I feel. How much she hurt me. How much I want her to hurt for it. It would be so easy... for a coward. Still I should say somethin' I owe her that much.~
I've stubbed out my cigarette and grabbed my suitcase already. Now I pause at the door. Not looking at her.. no, not looking at you, Kitty... Katherine. Can I look at you right now and speak? I should say something....
"You said you loved me." That came out a bit harsher, a bit duller, a bit more lifeless than I meant it to. My face has automatically assumed its now unfamiliar mask, but defense mechanisims always come back easily I suppose. Especially ones that you've used for so long. Is that what this is Katherine? A defense mechanism, drive me away before I leave you? You're a much more foolish than I ever thought if you believed that I ever would have left you... but here I am... leavin'. Bollocks I hate being a hypocrite.
We both look at each other at the same time. It hasn't even been a full second since I spoke. I barely even bother to recognize the purple rat around your neck. I bet he's happy about this. But you look so shocked, so surprised, so hurt at what I said. The way I said it. It sounded far more accusing than I meant it too. I wait for you to say something now. It is your turn after all. But I guess it sounded to harsh, because you can't look at me now.
I want you look at me and say something, but instead you look away. It's a gesture of defeat you know. You just gave in to my action. You stopped asking questions. You just conceded defeat to me and my leaving. You just gave me the right to walk away without it being my fault. But I know it's as much mine as yours. But you won't think that. I know you at least that well, you were always too hard on yourself.
I'm walking down the hall thinking of all the ways you changed while with me. You never used to think you were beautiful. I remember the first time I told you that, you thought I was joking or not thinking clearly, especially since your hair was a mess accordin' to you. Sure you always thought you were decent looking but beautiful? You had never seemed to think that before I told you at least fifty times. I never understood why. And you're not just beautiful Katherine you're abso-fukin-lutely gorgeous. You are perfect. You are an angel. You ARE a goddess. But's that's the problem with goddesses, there's always someone else there to steal her favor. When something like that happens it's hard to gain the trust back.
Especially with a bloke like me... but you knew that didn't you? I want to trust you so much my beautiful Katherine, but I'm a bloody coward. I don't want to be hurt again. Not by you... I couldn't live through that a second time.
No.. your a smart girl. You would have learned from this first time, you would know not to do it a second time. But... like I already said, I a bloody coward... I don't want to risk that again... If I can't say it to you I can at least admit it to myself, I do still love you Katherine. That's why this hurts so much...
By Hika-chan
Chapter 2: Always Too Hard on Herself- Pete to Kitty
"So this is it huh?" She says. Her voice contains some defeat, like she's half way to giving up. But she's not giving up just yet. She's stuborn like that.. I always loved that about her. But I can't hardly believe she said that, it's just so.. cliche', so... so ... so not her. Or do you really know her as well as you think you do? Of course not. That was, no is part of the beauty that is Kitty. If she were easy to figure out then she wouldn't have been so goddamn irresistable, now would she? The fact that I know her so well and not at the same time, that she could always surprise me... that she loved me. That always surprised me... that she could love a bloke like me.
"Looks like it." I suppose that's an automated response. Not excatly a resounding "yes" but sure as sod not a "NO of course I'm bloody staying!" Perhaps she just needed to fill the air with some noise. I know the silence was begginin' to bug me. We always thought alike like that. I try not to smile at that little thought. We knew each other so well and we didn't even try. It's like... I guess it's like Meggan or somethin', but we never need her powers to be on the same wavelength. I need smoke in me lungs, wash out some o' that fresh air. As though it will wash out some of that purity you gave me. That light you put in my heart. As though it could wash away my feelings for you and the hurt they caused. Well we know THAT's not going to happen.
I pull out a fag anyway. "Will you be back?" I'm actually happy that she asked. It's hard 'cause she's tryin' to cover up her feelin's enough so she can talk right, but I can hear that little bit o' desperate plea in her question. Or maybe I don't hear it, maybe I just know it's there. Just like I know I should throw my suitcase on the floor grab her and kiss her. I want to put all my hurt, betrayal, pain, love, and desire all in one bleedin' kiss and make her feel it. Make her feel that I still want her.
I light it between my fingertips. "Depends." You're such an awful sod fer answerin' her like that. But I can't right say that the answer is "yes" becasuse I honestly don't know. I don't right know if I'd be willing to take the chance again, because I hate this pain. I can stand anything you throw at me physically, but emotionally?
"On?" I don't know, I really don't. On how much booze I drink, on what it makes me do. On if I get dragged inta somethin'. On if I die. Depends on if some leftover Black Air toerags or anyone else from me past like Sari catch me when I'm passed out. On if I'm able to pick up the pieces of my heart. Depends on if it's too late when I do that...
"Dunno Pryde. It just depends." I look over at her just after she looks away, too late to catch her eye. Too late... I don't wanna be too late. Do I forgive you? I dunno, Can I forgive you, more'n likely. But in time? Knowin' me, the way I am, how bloody stubborn I am I'll be too late. By the time I let go of my stubborn pride it'll be too late to get my beautiful, even more stubborn, Pryde back.
"That's not fair, Peter." She's right. "We parted on a bad note." Right again. "I was having doubts about our relationship." she was? why? Just because of your fight? "Nothing actually happened between Rigby Fallon and me. I just felt... something" Something... and what is 'something' exactly?
"Something different than what I feel for you -" Was it any better? "- Mostly because he and I are the same age -" So if I were younger you wouldn'ta felt 'something' for the wanker? "- But nothing like what you and I share. I'm not asking you to like it," Good thing. 'Cause I hate it. "but can't you at least see my side?"
Her side... her side. She was having doubts.. was I? Of course I was always having doubts, especially before her. Doubts about letting people in, doubts that I could keep them alive.. and I can't. If I could Culley wouldn'tve died.. but this isn't about that. But at the same time it is. If he hadn't have gotten in trouble then Kitty never would've taken me to London. An' if he hadn't o' died then I wouldn'ta gotten on my vengeful streak, and she wouldn'tve found out that I acutally care. Care about the job that needs doin'... because I care about people. And people need to be taken care of, saved from themselves and the world.
"Why should I?" Saved from people that would go after them to get ta me.
"Peter if you can't answer that for yourself..." I already know, she was scared. Like I always used to be. I was always scared of getting close. Until I found her. When I was wih her I wasn't afraid of anything... except one. I was afraid I would lose her, loose her to death. But apparently that wasn't the kind of loss I should have worried about. I doubted she would live through our relationship. She probably doubted I would live through it. After all how many times have I almost died or got hurt already already? Rasputin, then Nate Grey, Sari, the Sidri.. though she wasn't exactly there to witness those last two. I think she was scared she wouldn't be able to save me. She would prolly die if I died while she was there and still not able to save me... I know I would if she did.
"Then maybe this is for the best."
~I can imagine what she's thinkin' right now. "A chance at genuine happiness stares you dead in the face for the first time in your miserable life, and what do you do..? Pack your bags. All because some 'bird' broke what's left of your heart. Think you're being a real man, sneaking out of my life, out of Excalibur, as quietly as you snuck in? That's no 'man'. That's a bloody coward. A real man doesn't hide his feelings from his friends. He shares them, regardless of the consequences." And she'd be right. I should tell her how I feel. How much she hurt me. How much I want her to hurt for it. It would be so easy... for a coward. Still I should say somethin' I owe her that much.~
I've stubbed out my cigarette and grabbed my suitcase already. Now I pause at the door. Not looking at her.. no, not looking at you, Kitty... Katherine. Can I look at you right now and speak? I should say something....
"You said you loved me." That came out a bit harsher, a bit duller, a bit more lifeless than I meant it to. My face has automatically assumed its now unfamiliar mask, but defense mechanisims always come back easily I suppose. Especially ones that you've used for so long. Is that what this is Katherine? A defense mechanism, drive me away before I leave you? You're a much more foolish than I ever thought if you believed that I ever would have left you... but here I am... leavin'. Bollocks I hate being a hypocrite.
We both look at each other at the same time. It hasn't even been a full second since I spoke. I barely even bother to recognize the purple rat around your neck. I bet he's happy about this. But you look so shocked, so surprised, so hurt at what I said. The way I said it. It sounded far more accusing than I meant it too. I wait for you to say something now. It is your turn after all. But I guess it sounded to harsh, because you can't look at me now.
I want you look at me and say something, but instead you look away. It's a gesture of defeat you know. You just gave in to my action. You stopped asking questions. You just conceded defeat to me and my leaving. You just gave me the right to walk away without it being my fault. But I know it's as much mine as yours. But you won't think that. I know you at least that well, you were always too hard on yourself.
I'm walking down the hall thinking of all the ways you changed while with me. You never used to think you were beautiful. I remember the first time I told you that, you thought I was joking or not thinking clearly, especially since your hair was a mess accordin' to you. Sure you always thought you were decent looking but beautiful? You had never seemed to think that before I told you at least fifty times. I never understood why. And you're not just beautiful Katherine you're abso-fukin-lutely gorgeous. You are perfect. You are an angel. You ARE a goddess. But's that's the problem with goddesses, there's always someone else there to steal her favor. When something like that happens it's hard to gain the trust back.
Especially with a bloke like me... but you knew that didn't you? I want to trust you so much my beautiful Katherine, but I'm a bloody coward. I don't want to be hurt again. Not by you... I couldn't live through that a second time.
No.. your a smart girl. You would have learned from this first time, you would know not to do it a second time. But... like I already said, I a bloody coward... I don't want to risk that again... If I can't say it to you I can at least admit it to myself, I do still love you Katherine. That's why this hurts so much...