Game Again
By Miku
* Standard disclaimers apply.
This is rather short than Kaede's. I dunno… I guess I am not used in writing using Sendoh's POV but then… I need it so I have to try. Tell me if I suck, okay? Grammar-wise, as usual… ^^;; please just bear with me… ^^;;
************
Sendoh:
This was getting embarrassing, so to speak. This was one of the things Hiroaki warned me about.
Being late.
And to think I would one of the trainers! It was not my fault though, or so I believed. The first train bound to Okinawa left me! Well, yeah… because I woke up late. Oh but anyway, everybody had his flaws, right? Right. And I was just unfortunate that timeliness was not natural for me unlike being handsome and skilled (in everything up to the bed :p)
I just called Ayako-san to inform them that I'd be late for fifteen minutes. At least only fifteen minutes and not more than an hour or so.
As I disembarked the train, I immediately hired a taxi going to the camp. I planned on walking actually but I left the sketch of the site.
I wondered who would be at the camp. Maki told me he's going to be there. Oh, at least I knew two people already. It had been long time since I attended a camp. It had been two years since I decided to change my usual carefree mood (but then I did not succeed somehow…) because Hiro was often annoyed. He told me I should be serious once in a while or his family would not trust me. His family did not approve of our relationship at first having Hiro-kun their only son. But then… it was not a problem anymore now.
Yes. His family liked me after months of forcing them to believe that I was an honest man.
But that was what not solved the problem.
Hiro-kun and I were no more.
I smiled wistfully just in time the cab stopped. I just reached my destination at last. I hurriedly paid for my fare and entered the steel green gate.
The place was quiet. Perhaps everybody were already in the gym (and waiting for me of course ^^;). I found the gym easily. The door was open. I could clearly see now the participants. There were many this year. I breathed in some air and with my usual carefree smile, I announced my arrival.
"AH! Sorry everybody!! I see I'm the only one missing!"
I caught everybody's attention. They all looked at me as if I were a god or something. Yeah, right… I looked like a god after all… more handsome than Narcissus. Hehe.
"Yes. We were waiting for you, you know. What happened?" Ayako teased as she made her way to me. She did not change at all. I could still feel that I was back to the usual Inter High days. Maki was there also, so was Fujima, and they all went to me as if I were some kind of a celebrity. Yeah. They missed me a lot!
"I missed the first train, ehehe…" I explained still smiling. Now I knew I looked so silly already. But this was I alright. That would not change.
I shifted my gaze somewhere inside the gym. I did not know why though, I just felt like I had to. And that's when I saw him…
Standing in the middle of the court and I knew he could also see me.
Kaede…
I returned my gaze back to Ayako shy all of the sudden. He did not change too. No. He did change. He's much more… beautiful now. However, I have to avoid it. He had Sakuragi and I did not want to revive sad past memories.
Hiroaki was right. He was always right. He knew me too well and that was why we broke up.
We had been together for a year and I thought everything was going on smoothly. I did not know that I'd been too obvious with my feelings though. It was my birthday, I could still vividly remember. And he said, he'd give me a gift. And it was my freedom.
I was really stunned. I did not understand him.
He said that I was still incomplete. He said that I was still not satisfied. He said that he was not the one I love. We fought. I told him that it was not true but I felt guilty deep inside because I knew I was just denying everything.
Yes. I loved Hiro-kun… I did not want to hurt him…
But I could not love him the way I love… him…
The one standing in front of me now…
I thought I already forgot about him but during the times when I was with Hiro, inwardly, I would always compare him with Kaede. They were so much alike except that Hiro was more vocal about his feelings.
Yet, I knew it was not right. I did not want to destroy Kaede's relationship with Sakuragi. I did not want to be selfish. I knew I made the right decision when I… when I bid him my goodbye.
But was that really right?
I had been a coward.
"Hey!" I heard Maki said slapping my back lightly. "Mind's occupied with something, huh?"
"Or someone?" Ayako asked with her sly eyes. I could only smile sheepishly.
The training started. We were requested to share some experiences and I gladly offered to be the first. Hehe. So I narrated them my triumphs. I was so happy.
And as what I expected, Kaede was the last. I could not really believe how could someone narrate his success without smiling. But he did mention about almost beating Kainan and I thought I could sense some childlike feeling with his tone. It was even like a sort of tease to Maki's side. Kaede's really… different.
At last, we could rest now. I got my key from one of the organizers and quickly went to my room.
There were two beds and I knew right then that I'd have some companion. That would be nice. I hope we'd have interesting conversation.
I dropped my bag at one corner of the room. I would unpack later. Maybe before I sleep. I hope that my companion would not be neat-freak because… I could not consider myself one. Then I just dropped myself to the bed and stared at the ceiling. The atmosphere was too good for reminiscing.
"Kaede…" I uttered his name tenderly. I wonder if this was good… to see you again. It would only hurt us more. Or maybe you already forgot… but knowing you… it would not be easy, I know.
Maybe I should not make myself close to you again. Yes. I don't have Hiroaki anymore. I'm free. But you are not.
And maybe you were already happy with Sakuragi, too.
The smile vanished on my face as I remembered the past. Sakuragi… I did not know that he loved you. I did not even have the slightest hint that he liked you. I only learned that when I finally planned on making my move.
But your face when we parted… you seemed so sad. Did I hurt you? I'm sorry. I was hurt, too, but as what I told you, perhaps it was how it should be…
However, seeing you now again… I could not deny that… I still love you. I could not believe it though. I thought it was impossible for a man to fall for a man, too. It two men would have a relationship, one of them just probably want to take advantage. I thought that love for the same sex was just… a fad and a short time involvement.
But you changed my perception.
I never felt this way to any women I had before. They were all just infatuations.
You were really strange Kaede… how could you make me fall this hard for you?
"Well then, don't be scared to enter okay? I'll be just in my room. Number 307." I heard a woman's voice uttered behind the door. I'm sure she was Ayako. Maybe she accompanied the person I would share this room with. Oh well… come inside man. Let me see if you're worth being with Sendoh Akira for one whole week. I smirked but stayed unmoved. I moved my eyes to the door and watched it slowly opened. Even before he could fully show himself, I knew exactly who he was.
How could I mistake those jet-black hair…
And astounding aura…
Kaede…
I decided to shift my gaze back to the ceiling now before I could completely see him and lose myself.
He stood quiet for a moment… oh, he was always quiet… and then finally moved to place his duffel bag and unpack. Another dissimilarity of us…
I glanced at him silently unable to control myself of watching him. How I missed watching him.
He plopped a sweater on his bed quite looking… exasperated? I checked it and saw a huge "TENSAI" in front. Sakuragi's…
I felt a jab a jealousy and stared back at the ceiling although only for a short time because I still wanted to see him. He looked cute whenever he's annoyed actually… I could already feel a smile creeping up my face but I forced myself not to.
Realizing he just finished fixing his things, I avoided my gaze again for I he was now looking at my way, not at me of course. I took a peak somehow and saw him smirking. He was staring at the sweater and jealousy fired up in me again. I knew he was thinking of the redhead now.
I forced myself to concentrate thinking about other things like the training tomorrow. What should I do with the participants… hmmm… I wondered how would Kaede teach them. I felt laughter waiting to burst out in me. Would he use hand signal or just write his instruction at the paper?
Try not to smile, Akira or else Kaede would think you're insane!
Or pervert…
Thinking something… pervert…
Argh!
Then I glanced at him and noticed his back against me. He was still quiet. I guess I'm making him uncomfortable. But that was better, right?
Right…
We just stayed like that for a very long time. He finally lied down at the bed but was still silent. Maybe this was better… finally, after a few minutes, I realized that he was asleep. I smiled now. That was one thing that would never change in him too…
I slowly rose and sat at my bed and watched him. He looked so innocent when he's asleep. Maybe I should shot a picture of him sleeping sometime and show it to him that he would know how he looked like… he seemed like a child… vulnerable… his beauty open for all the world to see.
He stirred slightly wrapping one arm to himself. He must be cold. The weather's not too good anyway. I stood up, got a blanket, and covered it to him.
Hmmm…
I liked this much better… caring for him silently…
I returned to my bed, lied there and found my eyes getting heavy already…
Must be the weather…
And the comforting feeling having Kaede near me…
I yawned.
I should wake up earlier tomorrow… why? One thing, honestly. I wanted to take a bath before him. Because if he did it first and I saw him half naked at the room, I might just grab him and care nothing about the world anymore.
Kaede…
************
Good thing my body was following my mind now… I woke up before him and it was still dark. I decided not to turn the fluorescent light on for it might wake him up. So I just switched on the lamp beside me and the other one near the mirror and the clothes rack.
I could clearly see his face though… the warm glow from the lamp made him appear like glowing. I sighed. I knew I'm falling more and more but I had to avoid it… somehow…
I don't want to be hurt anymore. Call it selfish but I knew it was better than have myself hurt again, and you and Sakuragi.
A grabbed a dark blue towel and entered the bathroom.
After bathing, I went back to the room. I noticed that Kaede was already awake… and… was staring at me. Gods… was he really staring at me? Yes. He was. He lowered his gaze as if embarrassed and I saw blush creeping at his face even though there was poor light. He's blushing… how cute… what more… because of me. Now I'm beginning to think that he was feeling the same way… but maybe not… I don't want to expect.
He moved to get some clothes in the rack. Kaede stood up as well and walked near me. I was getting… giddy really but I have to act calm. But he was not. I was sure of it. This was the firs time I actually saw Kaede… frozen…
He was walking stiffly as if fearing of having a close contact with me.
He looked so cute that I could not help but smile – widely and… funnily? He must've noticed it for he harshly grabbed his towel and hurried to the bathroom. Did I make him uncomfortable again? This was not right but then… I think I'm enjoying it already.
I just sighed and shook my head happily.
************
It was very cold outside but I'm feeling warm inside. Maki and the others also noticed my unusual cheerfulness. I would not tell them why though. But whenever Kaede's around, I should act cold… not because I hate him… just to avoid bringing back memories…
But I think I could not longer hide it especially when I saw him wearing the "Tensai" sweater. I was jealous, really… but then, he looked so cute especially whenever he frown from the teasing of the people around.
There's another training this afternoon but we still had a long break before that. I relaxed myself at the living room and read the newspaper. Kaede was in the room, perhaps contemplating again, that's why I was here… to avoid being with him… because it would only heightened my feelings for him…
Ayako was sitting beside me and reading too.
"Tired with the participants?" she asked breaking the supposed-to-be silence in the area.
"Nah. I'm used to it anyway. It's fun, actually," I answered a little unmindful.
"I hope Rukawa-kun could be like you…"
That caught my full attention. "Eh? I think he had developed some social skills anyway. He's better in interacting now than before," I defended my raven boy.
Er…
… the raven boy…
"You think so?" she inquired eyeing me skeptically.
What's with the look, Ayako-san? Was I obvious again? "Yeah." I answered silently trying to avoid any more conversation regarding Kaede. She was still looking at me with her knowing eyes when the phone rang. Thank goodness…
Or not?
Ayako picked the phone and greeted the one on the other line cheerfully. Then she called me. I stood up, cocked my head in question…
"Sendoh-kun, please call Rukawa. Tell him his Sakuragi's on the line," she requested ever emphasizing the word "his".
Why did she have to do that?
I wanted to refuse but she would suspect, right? So I rudely went upstairs and opened our room's door. As I saw him, I could not help but prevent looking at him. So I told him what I was supposed to tell him, but I thought I acted harsh by saying, "Your lover's on the phone downstairs!"
I was jealous that's why I said those words. And I became even more as he ran downstairs completely passing me by. I was hurt. He loved Sakuragi.
I slowly went to the living room again and picked up the newspaper. I smiled at her as Ayako excused herself. I was watching Kaede from my place and I was actually… eavesdropping… ^^;;
"Yes…" I heard Kaede uttered softly… his voice full of… passion? Maybe listening to him was not a good idea but… Then I suddenly heard him exclaimed, "What?!" as he blushed. I knew quickly what could Sakuragi have told him… I would not be called a pervert for nothing.
I saw a slight twitch to Kaede's lips and I felt jealousy again. "Get used to it, Hana. It'll only be one week anyway," Kaede continued speaking.
Hana… how he spoke of that name so intimately… I wish he could call me Akira with the same voice… or even… much more passion.
Kaede was quiet all of the sudden and I wondered why. His eyes turned slightly wistful. He seemed confuse and torn. I wanted to know why.
Until he uttered the word, "I love you, too," and I felt my world shattered into pieces.
He hung up finally and went upstairs without even seeming to notice me.
************
I struggled in the sink washing my hair off with gel. It could be damn frustrating at time but I got used to it anyway. I was almost finished when I heard Kaede speaking to a woman. Perhaps Ayako? Kaede was not used to talking to other girls anyway.
I came out of the bathroom while drying my hair. This was really troublesome. I plopped myself to the bed and switched the TV on and watched while still drying my hair. I felt Kaede going my way and I could feel my body trembling. Just his presence… just his presence could make me insane!
I looked up at him questioningly as he handed me a cup of strawberry ice cream - my favorite flavor.
Kaede cocked his head as if puzzled by my action so he explained and that was queer for I was not used to hearing him speak without being asked first. "Ayako came and brought ice cream. I thought you like strawberry so…"
He still remembered that I like strawberry!
I was so happy. I smirked and faked my concentration to the TV although I was rejoicing deep inside knowing that Kaede still remembered many things about me.
Kaede stepped back to sit on his bed. He was slightly pouting as he watched TV with pillows on his lap and eating ice cream.
So cute. I wanted to push him to the bed and kiss him… and…
I sighed inwardly. What am I thinking?!
************
I woke up with the sound of raindrops. I felt cold so I rose to get an extra blanket when I realized that Kaede was not in sight. I rubbed sleep off my eyes as if I'm just imagining things. But yes, he was not in the room. I went downstairs to see if he was there and found no one. The whole inn was quiet. I felt worried all of the sudden. It was raining after all. What if he went to the gym to practice and could not go back? He would get sick if he was outside.
So I returned to our room and grabbed two jackets: one for me and the other one for him in case he did not bring any. I picked an umbrella, unfortunately, only one, but at least there was one.
I left the inn and went to the gym. But the gym was close and nobody was sure inside. Where could he be?
I heard a creaking sound just behind the bushes quite near the lake so I silently made my way there. Cautious too. In case he was not Kaede and was some freak.
But it was he. His image was always vivid in my eyes.
He was leaning against the metal post of the swing hugging himself. I stepped closer but he seemed not perceiving my presence. Perhaps he was in deep thought… as always.
He looked so fragile now, not the cold and tough man everybody used to see. And I like seeing the side he would not let other people see. That made me loved him even more…
He straightened himself and I could already discern that he would run back to the inn. Tsk tsk tsk. Not thinking, kitsune. I walked hastily to him. He shivered and I knew he was really cold already. He was a little damp too. So, before he could move any further, I draped him the jacket I brought. He stirred and looked at it then turned and stared at me.
He seemed so vulnerable… I could not help but smile… slight but genuine…
His eyes widened and I noticed a faint blush on his cheeks as he uttered my name, Akira…
"I mean… Sendoh…" he hastily corrected himself.
I wanted to embrace him but I just stepped closer bringing him just a hairline away from me. I fixed the jacket hanging on his well-sculpted shoulders as I asked, "Why are you here?"
I felt his body shivered slightly… might be the temperature… also might be because of me…
"Let's go back," I suggested then opened the umbrella and stepped off the swing while gently tugging his arm urging him to follow me. We walked back to the inn quietly.
************
I was leaning against the wall watching him dried himself.
"Thanks," he said softly.
"Why were you there?" I asked again not having to receive his answer earlier.
"Just to get some air."
I sighed silently. I could feel my superiority was overtaking my senses again. I have to try to prevent that to happen though. "And you did not even think about the weather and the time? It's already past midnight and it's cold. You did not even bring anything to warm you," I asked trying to tone down my voice. But I was sure I sounded like a nagging husband…
Husband…
Hmm… not a bad idea…
"What if you got sick?" I continued as I shifted my position, straightened up and crossed my arms over my chest.
"I'm already a grown-up. I know how to take care of myself," Kaede retorted and from his tone, I could already discern that he was getting annoyed already. I have to be careful… but my body was the one working… not my mind already. Perhaps… my heart too? I cared for him and I did not want anything bad, even the slightest, to happen to him.
"You do? But what have you just done tonight?" I countered urging him inwardly to admit his mistake.
"It's none of your concern."
I knew he would say that. But anyway…
"None of my concern? If it's not then why would I be wasting my time going down searching for you?"
"Yeah. Why? Why did you waste your time on me anyway?" he questioned me, his eyes were blazing with unknown emotion. He was glaring at me, but I still felt okay even though my body was still careless…
"Because I am concerned about you… because I still love you…" I answered quickly regretting it. But it was too late though. I said it already. Now all I have to do was to wait for him to punch and kick me and throw me out of the window.
But he did not.
Instead, he lowered his gaze as if suddenly shy. I could tell from the way he frowned and glanced at me that we shared the same feeling. But we clearly knew our situation.
He did not know that I were already free.
And he was not.
"How many times have I tried to forget you, Kaede… I tried hard… but… it's difficult," I confessed as I made my way to him. His eyes were glistening with unshed tear and I knew I hated to see that to him. However…
I sat beside him and reached for his face. He did not decline but he was still avoiding my gaze. I lifted up his face as I wrapped my other arm around his waist and pulled him closer to me. I felt sorry for him and for me… we both knew that anything was useless now… or… was it?
His forehead touched my shoulder as if he was suddenly tired. Perhaps he was. So I pulled him more closely until his head was completely resting at my shoulder.
"I love you… I still love you…" I repeated as I smelled the scent of his hair. It had been a long time but his scent was still vividly alive in my senses.
"You should not…" he disagreed silently. I felt tears dampening my clothes. I knew he was crying… and it was all my fault.
"Because you are already with Sakuragi?" I gently asked while I caressed and kissed his smooth locks. He nodded once.
"But it doesn't mean you have to stop being with Sakuragi… it doesn't mean you have to love me…" I spoke silently as a jab of pain stabbed me. I knew it… I knew that it would not matter if Kaede could not love me back… but it still hurt me…
He shook his head and lifted his eyes on me. "Hana… and Koshino…"
My eyes narrowed with the mention of Hiroaki's name. I pushed him gently and turned my head to avoid my face being seen. "We're no more Kaede… he knew… he knew all along that I could not love him the way… I love you… That was why he broke up with me… he said that he could not complete me… he said… that I am still incomplete myself…"
"I knew he was right but I denied it… But seeing you… having you with me again… was enough to knock me to my senses and face it… that even after what happened… throughout these years… it is still you that… I hold most precious to me…"
"Kaede…" I finally got the courage to face him again. He was still crying and I knew that it did not suit him. A smile fits to him more. "Kaede," I repeated as I cupped his face with my both hands and forced him to look at me. "You don't have to return my feelings. I just wanted you to know," I stopped as he shook his head.
"No. I don't have to return your feeling," he said and I felt my heart clenched. It was what I was telling him to do, right? But it was painful… to hear those words from him. "Because I had them even before you told me," he continued.
I was stunned. I was overjoyed. I felt near bursting to tears… Yet… we still had our current situation in our mind.
"But it is not possible anymore, Akira… however we want it to be…"
Yes. He was right. He was very right… but I still believe that miracles do happen, Kaede… and I wish, no, I hope, that there would be one to happen for us both…
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^_^ I like this chapter… I guess I made some sense…
Well… what could that miracle be?
SAKURAGI DYING?!?!?!?! No. No. No. That would not be a very good… solution… right?
Oh… umm… well… I hope that the next chapter would be the last… but… ehehe… if it would not be then… oh but I promise that this would not exceed for more than four chapters!