Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.04—Switched
By Rubygoddess
Alyson Hanigan (V.O.): Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
FROM "HELLS BELLS"
ANYA: So, we're ready now. Let's go get married.
XANDER: I... I'm not.
She looks at him, confused.
XANDER (cont'd): I'm not ready. I can't. Ahn, I'm sorry.
Anya sits alone, still in her wedding dress. Her face smeared with tears and mascara. A hand rests on her shoulder, comforting her.
D'HOFFRYN: It's time you got back to what you do best, don't you think?
Anya looks up at him. But her face reveals no decision.
- FROM "TWO TO GO"
Willow gets up in Dawn's face.
WILLOW (cont'd): Wanna go back? End the pain? You'll be happier. I'd be happier. We'll all be a lot happier without having to listen to all your constant whining.
Dawn starts to tear up, fighting her fear.
DAWN: Willow... stop...
WILLOW: (mocking) "Mom!" "Buffy!" "Tara!" Waah!
Come on, someone's gotta stop the carnage. It's time you went back to being a little energy ball.
Dawn stands trapped against a far wall as the room starts to crackle with Willow's energy and her voice begins to echo of its own accord.
WILLOW (cont'd): No more tears, Dawny.
DAWN: She tried to turn me back...
FROM "A NEW WAY HOME"
BUFFY: I told you Dawn, I'm sorry I hid stuff from you. I'm really trying, Dawny. This wouldn't have to do with Willow coming back tonight, does it? I know you're obviously up to something.
DAWN: She tried to turn me back into the key. I just can't forgive something like that. Just like you can't forgive Spike.
FROM "SEEING RED"
SPIKE: (kissing her) Let it go... Let yourself love me...
BUFFY: Stop it... please... stop...
He tears at her robe, getting it open.
BUFFY: Stop!
She kicks him back, hard. He smashes into the opposite wall, cracking the plaster and crashing to the floor.
Spike looks up at her, realizing just how far he crossed the line.
SPIKE: Oh God. Buffy... I didn't -
BUFFY: Ask me again why I could never love you.
FROM "GRAVE"
SPIKE: So, give me what I want. Make me what I was... so Buffy can get what she deserves.
VOICE: Very well.
A REPTILIAN HAND reaches out to Spike's bare chest
VOICE (cont'd): We will return your soul.
As the hand touches him, Spike's eyes glow and he throws his head back and SCREAMS in agony...
FROM "STRAWBERRY"
BUFFY (whispering): You have a soul?
SPIKE: Yeah. Doesn't fit very well, does it?
He turns his face back to the wall.
BUFFY (harshly): You went out and WON a soul? Why?
SPIKE (crying): I couldn't... I didn't...
He puts his head in his hands.
SPIKE: Can't stand it, Buffy. Thought I could. But I can't do it. It hurts. And being all alone, livin' this...
BUFFY: Alone?
She reaches out and touches his shoulder.
BUFFY: I'm here. Dawn's here. You're not alone.
He sobs once and buries his head in her lap. She reaches down and touches his hair.
BUFFY: Shhh. It's all right. Shhh.
TEASER:
INT: The training room of the Magic Box, day.
Dawn sits on a mat in lotus position, holding her hands at her knees, eyes closed. Soft, new-age music surrounds her with an aura of peace and intense concentration. CU on Dawn's face as she slowly and easily breathes in and out, letting the music and atmosphere wash over her.
BUFFY (O.S.): It's about focusing your energy, letting it flow through you into a focus of power . . . it's all about the power, Dawn, who's got the upper hand.
The camera pans out to bring Buffy, who is circling Dawn on the mats, into view. She rolls a stake around in her hand.
BUFFY (cont'd): Anyone could have strength. Your average John Demon's got all the tricks up his sleeve, fist-to-cuffs, upper-cut . . . if you think you can defeat him only with fists you're wrong. It's about taking all that energy, that strength that flourishes inside you . . . you take it . . . and center it. That's the secret. Dawn. The thing that makes you clench your fists, tighten your jaw----you bring it all together into a monolith of power. Let it fill you and wash over you with every step. You get in touch with that . . . and you'll be the true fighter.
Dawn continues to sit Indian-style, but suddenly her nose twitches and she makes a face, her whole body falling limp in succession. She turns to face Buffy sharply, obviously restless.
DAWN: Very good. Can we go kick some demon-ass now?
BUFFY (exasperated): Dawn. You were the one who suggested the whole training thing in the first place. You can't expect to go take on the world with Powerpuff-like zeal after a couple lessons.
DAWN: I know. But I thought training would be . . . y'know . . . less suicidally boring. Like in those old eighties ninja movies. When do I get to take out all my aggressions on helpless planks of lumber?
BUFFY: This isn't a game, Dawn. You asked to explore the powers given to you and I'm here to guide you. And since I'm twice-dead-poster-child-for-Sunnydale-resident-fighters, I take my job a little seriously than nun-chuck sparring.
DAWN (grimaces): I bet even Giles didn't work you as hard.
BUFFY: Nope, harder. Where do you think I picked up my staunch work ethic?
DAWN: I would venture to guess . . . Hitler?
BUFFY: Well since meditation and centering concentration exercises seem too much for you to handle, I guess I'll just cross the rest of the training lessons off the list too----
DAWN (interrupts): No! No, you don't want to do that.
She sits back down submissively on the mat, back into lotus position. She closes her eyes, but still maintains a frown.
DAWN (cont'd): I'll do your new-age, trendy meditation yoga crap. (Pauses). Wow (said flatly). I feel the centering begin already. I'm just one big candy bar chock-full of center-y goodness.
BUFFY (smiling): You know, I take it back, I think you just might be ready for a close-up view of battle.
Dawn turns around excitedly.
DAWN: Really really? You think I'm ready?
BUFFY: Well no. But I think that if you actually see that's not just fun and games and requires skill and concentration, you'll understand why I'm making you go through all this.
DAWN: Oh. You have a way of sucking the joy and fun out of everything, are you aware of this?
BUFFY (smugly): What can I say? It's my duty as your sister to make sure you lead a miserable existence.
DAWN: Have I failed to tell you that I hate you with all the venom in me?
BUFFY: Only the second time today. Now if only we could center that venom----
Dawn groans
Cut to SUNNYDALE CEMETARY, night. Buffy and Dawn walk side by side through the tombstones. Dawn is carelessly carrying a stake by her side, but Buffy is more guarded and cautious.
BUFFY: Ok, remember what I said now, Dawn? Power. It's always there, up for grabs. If you don't take it, you're just signing away any hope you have of victory to the opponent. You've got to open to it, yet be on guard at the same time. Cautious, yet willing to take risks. And the only way you can do that is to focus and channel whatever energy you have, make it almost so concentrated that it's like an unconscious entity that's a part of you. You lose sight of that and you're demon meat. Beasties on the Hellmouth are a tricky bunch, Dawn, never take that for granted. Look the other way for one second and------
Cut to two demons who lurch out of the shadows, heaving their arms clumsily. The demons are ungainly and bumpy-looking creatures with long, thick arms that hang heavily in front of them. Instantly, Buffy whips around with stake in hand while Dawn fidgets on the balls of her feet, not knowing what to do.
BUFFY (cont'd): Remember what I said Dawn. Be on your best guard.
Immediately, Buffy launches into attack-mode with Dawn trailing not far behind. Buffy strides up to a demon, who bats at her with one arm, a swing that Buffy blocks easily. She begins punching the demon in the face and kicks it mid-torso. Cut to Dawn, who is weakly trying to bat at the other demon. She strikes it on the face and swipes a stake at it, but it just awkwardly swings its arms at her as well. Struck by the demon, Dawn cries out in pain and her hand goes to her arms as she crouches for a bit from the blow. Looking up at the demon, she grits her teeth with new fire in her eyes and throws her fist back to deliver a powerful punch. Hit square on the nose, the demon lurches back and falls to the ground ineptly. The demon looks up at her, then starts to scuttle away in fear. The camera pans back to Buffy to show the demon falling back from Buffy in defeat as well. Both Dawn and Buffy look on blankly as the two demons run off in the opposite direction after the quick and relatively action-less altercation. Dawn turns to Buffy with a proud smile on her face.
DAWN (smugly): And you said this would be hard.
Buffy continues to look on blankly and turns with a confused expression to her sister.
Blackout
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" theme plays with the credits. Stars: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Nicholas Brendon, Emma Caulfield, Alyson Hanigan, James Marsters and Michelle Trachtenberg
Note: Anthony Stewart Head and Andy Umberger are listed among the guest stars
ACT I
Magic Box Int.
Buffy, Giles, Xander, Willow and Dawn sit at the table while Anya goes about the store, rummaging through old, charred boxes. Xander occasionally looks over nervously at Anya and the tension in the air is palpable.
GILES: And you say they were unusually docile?
BUFFY (nods): Not your run-of-the-mill, garden variety, antsy-for-the-kill demons.
XANDER: You got a way with the brevity, Buffster. You could have just said 'yes'.
BUFFY: When is brevity ever associated with Scooby-speak?
GILES: Now wait . . . before we go off into another horrendously irrelevant tangent, you must describe these demons to me. What did they look like, how else did they behave?
DAWN: What's it matter? Point is, I kicked some serious demon rear. You should have seen me, guys, I was throwing swings left and right, ducking blows . . . they were totally under my thumb.
BUFFY: This is why it matters. It's hard enough having a smart-alecky sister, one with a bloated head the size of Texas is near impossible.
WILLOW (impressed): Dawn did all that?
BUFFY (rolls her eyes): More like she bitch-slapped one of them once or twice. I swear, you could have given these demons Wet Willies and they would have run off in terror.
WILLOW: Well there are lots of demons that aren't all into the violence. Look at Clem.
BUFFY: Yeah, but there was something different about these demons . . . they didn't seem to fit. It was like . . . they didn't know how to use their bodies, they were unaccustomed to them. I don't know what it was, but they felt like . . . they weren't really what they were.
XANDER (looks confused): Excuse me while that last sentence proceeds to blow my mind.
DAWN: 'They weren't really what they were'? Is that even English?
BUFFY (frustrated): I can't explain it any other way! It's just . . .
WILLOW: The Slayer spidery sense was all a-tingle?
BUFFY: Yeah. They just seemed too passive to be normal.
Anya stops her looks up from her cataloguing at the front register.
ANYA: Wait, so let me get this straight . . . you guys are having a Scooby pow-wow because, what? The demons are getting easier to defeat? And you all say that I'm loopy.
BUFFY: It's not just that, Anya. They felt different somehow. They didn't belong.
ANYA: Well I feel like that sometimes, and no one goes up in arms over me.
A tense moment of silence follows, with all the Scoobies guiltily averting their gaze from Anya, mostly because they know what she's saying is true.
ANYA: Oh sorry, was that a tad too confessional and honest for you all to handle? Forgot that this crowd prefers to keep an undercurrent of unspoken hostility towards each other.
Dawn shoots a quick, awkward glance at Willow, who just about catches it. She looks at Dawn in dismay.
XANDER: What are you talking about, Anya? What undercurrent of hostility?
ANYA (gives Xander a knowing look): From the mouth of the Model Repressor himself. What did you think Xander? You think we could be in the same room together and you'd be emitting good vibrations?
XANDER: Anya----
ANYA (interrupts): And no one would notice the obvious tension between Dawn and Willow? Willow did try to turn Dawn back into a glow-y ball of energy, it isn't much incentive for a group hug.
Cut to Dawn still staring into her lap while Willow's expression turns to one of guilt
XANDER: Anya, that's enough----
ANYA: And Spike's not here, but if he was, you could pretty much guarantee that Buffy's knickers would have coiled themselves into a twist in no time flat.
Buffy stiffens and frowns at the statement, sinking into her chair with a blank expression of guilt and indecision.
GILES: How do I fit into this undercurrent?
ANYA (smiles brightly at him): You don't, really. I think it's 'cause you're British.
XANDER (a bit snidely): Anya, the only person here with issues is you.
ANYA (gives him a cold, hard look): And why would that be, Xander? You dumping me at the altar-----that's no cause for concern, is it? At least on your part.
Like the rest, Xander succumbs to visible guilt for a few moments before shaking his head in anger.
XANDER: I have as much concern as you have for sleeping with Spike.
ANYA: Wow, let's count how many times Xander can re-hash that. It's easy for you, isn't it? Using that to forfeit any guilt you could possibly have over the wedding?
Buffy sees a conflict coming and tries to intervene.
BUFFY: Guys----
XANDER: I had guilt . . . I . . . I have it. But don't expect me to spend my days wallowing in self-loathing for my actions. Maybe it was a good thing after all. It gave me a chance to find out who you really are.
Anya is visibly stung and almost shaking with anger.
ANYA: Which is?
XANDER: A vengeance demon who has no moral qualms about sleeping with an undead killer.
Buffy is hurt by Xander's comments and once again, fidgets in her chair.
ANYA (shakes her head): You don't get it, Xander, do you? You just don't get it.
XANDER: So enlighten me. Or do you have to teleport off soon to castrate some hapless male in China?
Anya is speechless and white with resentment. She drops the book she was holding heavily and stomps back into the training room. Xander immediately looks ridden with regret, but the rest of the room is once again silent as the truth of Anya's words sink in.
GILES (trying to clear the air of the tension): Right, well . . . let's continue with our research, shall we?
Dawn gets up from her chair in haste, grabbing her backpack.
DAWN: I just remembered, I . . . I have a project to work on at the library.
WILLOW (nervous at Dawn's sudden departure): I-I could drop you off there if you want.
DAWN (a little quietly): No thanks, I'm good.
She makes her way out of the Magic Box.
Xander is obviously agitated to be near Anya and looks wistfully at the back training room door.
XANDER: And I just remembered that I had a meeting with some clients today about some blueprints. I'll . . . I'll catch you guys later.
BUFFY: Yeah I . . . I forgot that I have a double shift at the DMP. my manager will kill me if I don't show up.
Willow watches Xander and Buffy file out as well, and taking from everyone else's lead, she gets up from her chair.
WILLOW (sheepishly): I'm just gonna go and . . . be away.
She exits the Magic Box, leaving Giles alone at the round table amidst a pile of books. Sighing, Giles whips off his glasses and begins wiping them with a handkerchief. He looks around the empty store and shakes his head.
GILES: Well this is fantastic. Bloody Americans with their issues.
EXT: Spike's Crypt
Buffy enters the crypt carefully, scanning the darkness.
BUFFY: Spike?
A slight echo of a glass crashing to the ground rings through the crypt. Buffy straightens and pads through the crypt even more cautiously.
BUFFY (cont'd): Spike, are you there?
She makes her way across the crypt, near the sarcophagus. She veers her head all around the room, trying to catch a glimpse of Spike somewhere.
SPIKE (OS): It's not a question of whether I'm here, it's a question of why you are.
Buffy spins around and sees Spike. He is raggedy from last she saw him, obviously malnourished by his frail form seen from under his carelessly buttoned shirt.
BUFFY (softly): Spike . . . what happened? I-I heard a crash.
SPIKE: Just dropped a jar a' blood, nothing dire. (Looks at her seriously). That why you came? To check over my household messes?
BUFFY: (hesitant and a little nervous): I . . . came to see if you were okay.
SPIKE (continues giving her an eerie even stare): 'Okay' has never been a part of my vocabulary, pet. I don't exist on that kind of neutrality.
Buffy's stares at him with a pained expression, but her view pans down to his hand, which is wrapped in bloody gauze. He notices that she's looking at it, so he twitches and curls his hand behind him. She approaches him nonetheless.
SPIKE: I wrapped it up just now . . . I . . . cut my hand on the shards of glass.
Buffy gingerly reaches one hand out and tries to grasp his bandaged hand, but he backs away with speed.
SPIKE: Don't.
BUFFY: Don't what?
SPIKE (shaking): Don't let me . . . don't let me touch you . . . I c-can't . . . I won't . . . never again.
Buffy is taken aback, but understands what he means. She ducks her head, trying some way to fill the deafening silence.
BUFFY (softly): When was the last time you fed?
SPIKE (shrugs carelessly): Not sure . . . the days all seem to meld into one. Could've been days . . . weeks even. It's not important.
BUFFY (incredulously): Not important? You wasting away and starving yourself aren't important?
SPIKE: Buffy . . . (sighs) go home. Go home to Dawn and Xander and the rest of the soddin' Super Friends. There's nothing for you here.
BUFFY (narrows her eyes into slits): What are you playing at, Spike? Almost a week ago, you were sobbing into my arms, terrified to be alone and now . . . why did you even come back to Sunnydale?
SPIKE: I . . . I don't know. I-I thought maybe I could help you, but . . .
BUFFY: You know what I think? I think you're exactly the same. You're trying to get all the same things, just with a different game plan.
Spike just looks at her, refusing to respond.
BUFFY (cont'd): You probably don't even have a soul. How can I be sure? You're a pathological liar anyway. You just came to Sunnydale with the tired idea that we could get back together. But instead of hyping up the stalking tendencies, you decided to go with the novel approach. You decided to play the victim.
Cut to Spike, who looks away, trying to suppress the range of emotions that pass across his face.
BUFFY (angry): Well guess what, Spike? You don't get to play the victim. Whatever broody Angel-emulation you've got going on, it doesn't take away from the fact that you . . . you . . .
She can't even say it. She pauses and tears well in her eyes. Spike looks at her directly now and he is broken and torn to see her in pain. But he struggles to harden his expression and remain aloof.
SPIKE: Sounds like you got it all figured out, Slayer. You've had your say, you've found me out, now there's nothing keeping you here.
BUFFY: You're wrong, Spike. I don't have you figured out at all. I don't think I ever will.
She turns, leaving Spike alone in the dank crypt. The door slams and the stream of sunlight passes over Spike's face, which is losing its semblance of control.
INT: Espresso Pump, day
Willow and Anya are seated at a table with two oversize mugs of coffee in front of them. Willow looks absently preoccupied and nervous, gazing out onto the streets while Anya rambles on and on in a fury.
ANYA: And then he has the nerve to bring up work! Like, what is his hang-up over the whole "vengeance demon" gig? I wasn't too thrilled when he would come home caked in soot and dust from the construction site. And the way he would track mud on the floor-----
WILLOW: I don't think you can compare some minor dirt action to wreaking bloody vengeance on men all across the world.
ANYA: Hey a girl's gotta eat, doesn't she? Just because I'm good at what I do . . . you know, he's always been like this. He's always been jealous and threatened by the way I've been climbing the demon corporate ladder. He can't stand that I'm a successful working girl who doesn't need to depend on a man for monetary security. He was always insecure that way, he was always afraid of getting left behind in the dust.
WILLOW: Anya, Xander doesn't care about whether you make more money than him. Xander cares about the fact that you inflict pain on men for occupational satisfaction.
ANYA: Oh right, look who's talking. Would you rather I inflict pain on harmless nerds for pleasure like you?
Willow is stung by this remark and she glares at Anya.
WILLOW: Right. I can't possibly see why Xander refuses to put up with you. You're just one tactful little ball of sunshine.
ANYA: Thanks I---- (pauses and realizes she's kidding). Oh. Sarcasm. Your flippant way of reminding me once again how much you dislike me.
WILLOW (taken aback): Anya . . . I don't dislike you.
ANYA: Really? Because the way I see it, you all have shut me out for a long time now. The only reason everyone put up with me was because I was Xander's trophy girlfriend. With that scenario gone, you can stop pretending to tolerate me.
WILLOW: Anya, you're insane. Nobody hates you. Nobody pretends to tolerate you. Nobody shuts you out.
ANYA (shakes her head): I can't expect you to understand . . . wait, maybe I can.
Willow grows uncomfortable at this statement and frowns.
WILLOW: Understand what?
ANYA: You know . . . the whole black sheep thing. I'm a vengeance demon, you're a recovering Wiccan who tried to smite the world asunder. Makes us kind of the oddballs doesn't it?
WILLOW (trying to convince herself): Buffy and Xander don't think of me like that . . .
ANYA: Of course they don't. Because they've told you that, right?
WILLOW: No . . .
ANYA: There you go. And we all know their bouts of silence are heartfelt admissions of trust.
WILLOW: You think they haven't forgiven me for . . . for what I did?
ANYA (shrugs): I don't know. Dawn for sure hasn't, you can tell by the evil-eye action she sends your way.
WILLOW: Dawn and I did the hugging thing last week. We're all good now.
ANYA: Really? I can't tell that from where I'm standing. She might have said she's okay with it, but only because she can't pursue this rabid hatred of you for very long. Still, getting chummy again with the person who tried to kill you while hopped up on magic is easier said than done.
WILLOW: Even if that's true . . . how am I supposed to make it up to her?
ANYA: I don't know, what wins over a teenage girl's heart today? Candy? Stuffed animals? Record albums of atrociously horrible male accapella singing groups?
WILLOW (makes a face): Thanks Anya, you've been tremendously helpful.
ANYA: Sarcasm again. What is this fixation you have for irreverence? What does it take to get you serious? Death?
A large crashing sound is heard from outside the Espresso Pump, accompanied by screams. A raging young man makes his way through the café, flipping over tables and terrorizing people. He appears to have be glazed over, as if he's acting in a trance. As one girl gapes at him, the man turns and grabs her by the throat, hurling her off to the side. She crashes into the register and many alarmed customers scatter. Willow looks over at Anya.
WILLOW: You just had to say it, didn't you?
The man continues to stalk through the café, making his way to Willow. Willow is numb with fear and just stares back at him, too frozen to move out of his path. The man snarls and throws one arm back and smacks her hard across the face. The blow sends her spinning and she falls, yelping with pain.
Blackout.
ACT II
When the scene returns, it is very fuzzy. But from what we can make out, we see Anya's slightly annoyed, slightly worried face hovers Willow's face, Willow being the current point of view. The camera pans out to show Anya stands over Willow, who is lying down on the sidewalk outside the Espresso Pump. Anya is shaking Willow, trying to rouse her.
ANYA: Willow! Wake up! I-I . . . command you to wake up! (groans). I wasn't too serious about the death thing.
Willow's eyelids flutter as she wakes up, grabbing her head in pain. Propping herself up on her elbows, she gazes up at Anya.
ANYA: Willow! Oh wow, you're not dead! I'm very pleased.
WILLOW (squinting): W-what happened?
ANYA: I don't know. Some random thug came, beat this place and everyone in it to splinters and then went stomping off.
WILLOW: Well which way did he go?
Anya shrugs, pointing off in the direction of the Magic Box.
WILLOW: That guy packed quite a punch (she gingerly feels the back of her neck and winces). We should tell Buffy.
ANYA: So we have to go reporting to Buffy anytime we run into a town bully?
WILLOW: There's something not right about this, Anya, I can feel it. That wasn't some random thug . . . that guy . . . he was . . . off somehow. Either that or he's way too steroid-happy. We've gotta find Buffy.
ANYA: (Sighs) Well I have some time before my next appointment in the Yukon. Some Eskimo's keeping warm with some honey other than his wife and she found out about it. Now I have to go and make with the settling of scores. I wonder what kind of vengeance would be appropriate . . . I was thinking I could freeze his balls off if the harsh Alaskan climate hasn't done so already but----
Willow stares at Anya, then grabs her by the hand and drags her off in search of Buffy.
EXT: Magic Box
Anya and Willow are seated at the table once more as Giles sits, surrounded by books.
GILES: So you come across a human unusually aggressive and strong and Buffy comes across some demons unusually meek and submissive.
WILLOW: Suspicious, I think.
ANYA: Or just highly coincidental if you ask me. So some Joe Strongarm bumps into Willow, that doesn't mean it has anything to do with the demons Buffy saw last night.
WILLOW: No, I think there's something more to this. Like . . . I understood what Buffy meant about the demons not fitting somehow . . . this guy was almost like. . . possessed or something.
GILES (cocks his head thoughtfully): It's always good to take intuition into account Willow, but Anya's right. It could merely be coincidence.
ANYA: Yeah, see? I was right. Wasn't expecting that, now where you? (Smiles smugly at Willow)
Xander enters the Magic Box, absently looking around the store for something. Willow, Giles and Anya look up, but Anya quickly turns away and gets up to look over some things near the back of the store.
XANDER: Man oh man, you wouldn't believe the street etiquette these days. And I don't mean 'yo wassup, dog' etiquette, I'm talking walking down the street like a civilized human being etiquette.
WILLOW: Xander. I thought you had a meeting.
XANDER: Yeah, but the meeting over the blueprints was pretty unsuccessful considering I didn't have my blueprints. I think I left them around here somewhere. (Starts rummaging around the table for the papers).
GILES: What was it you said about street etiquette?
XANDER: Huh? Oh yeah. It was weird really. I'm just walking down Main and this little old lady just barreled into me and knocked me right over. Not only that, but she was insanely strong. Like the Rock's grandmother or something. She put the 'smack' in 'down'.
WILLOW: Ha, see? Coincidence, I think not!
GILES: Two humans displaying inordinate amounts of strength while two demons show sign of timidity.
WILLOW: Uh-oh, Giles' got his 'hmmm' face on. I smell research.
ANYA: It's like all switched somehow . . . humans bloodthirsty like demons, demons fraidy cat like humans.
Xander notices that Anya is in the back when she speaks and immediately gets uncomfortable. Anya looks down at the floor uncomfortably as well. Giles has perked up at this comment and starts reaching for some books.
GILES: That's exactly it! Switched!
ANYA (smiles grandly): Right again! Scratch another tally under my name, I'm on a roll!
WILLOW: Giles, what do you mean 'switched'?
GILES: There are certain varieties of demons that assume the bodies of humans. They switch with them. When they do so, they still retain some of their demon characteristics---strength, agility, prowess. All the while, the humans are left in the demonic bodies, their own characteristics maintained as well.
WILLOW: That's horrible. So the humans are left to fend against possible attack from any real member of the demon world? What kinds of demons do that?
GILES: It's hard to say. There are lots---Kelfaric demons, Varvlak demons, Holgeara demons, just a few among many that have the ability to switch forms.
WILLOW: Hmm. I just wish Buffy were here to identify the demons she saw last night
As if on cue, Buffy enters the Magic Box in an agitated and absentminded state.
WILLOW (smiles with surprise): Hey neat. (Looks up at the ceiling) I wish I had a million bucks all in hundred-dollar piles handed to me on a silver platter?
Everyone pauses and nothing appears. Willow frowns.
XANDER: Buffy, falling into old bad habits?
Buffy looks up quickly and anxiously as Xander's words strike an unintentional chord.
BUFFY (colors slightly): What? W-what are you talking about?
XANDER (looking at Buffy curiously): The playing of the hooky? Like high school carried on to your professional life? What happened to the working grind at the Double Meat Palace?
BUFFY: Oh. I showed up too late and by that time Sophie covered my shift for me. It's no big.
GILES: Well it's a good thing you're here, Buffy, we have something to discuss----
BUFFY (interrupts): You're telling me. Look what I just found.
She pulls out a piece of paper from her leather jacket, unfolds it and places in on the table. CU on the paper which reads "Sunnydale Demon Convention, Oct. 15, 8pm. Lot's of blood, Lots of laughs, Carnage and fun for the whole family".
ANYA: Oh! I heard about this! D'Hoffryn mentioned something about making an appearance, he said it would be good for business . . .
Anya trails off and is silenced when everyone gives her strange looks
WILLOW: You gotta be kidding me. Could they be any more stupidly conspicuous? They might as well hand out flyers saying 'Sunnydale Demon Convention: Slayer, Track Us Down and Kill Us Now".
BUFFY: Demons around these parts are known for many things, but never for their dazzling intellectual capabilities.
XANDER: So Sunnydale's finest creatures of the night are getting together for a shindig huh?
ANYA (looking at the flyer): Wow, it says the band performing has one of the original members from Chicago!
WILLOW: Funny, wouldn't have imagined the evil denizens around here would opt for such mellow music stylings.
XANDER: I would. Let me tell you, "Make Me Smile"? Absolutely hellish.
GILES: Where did you find this, Buffy?
BUFFY: Willy's. I was there trying to get information about Sp---
She stops herself and everyone waits for her to finish.
BUFFY: About demons.
GILES (gives her a funny look): Ah. Well, we'll deal with this demon convention later, you need to tell us more about the demons you encountered last night. What did they look like?
BUFFY (shrugs): Your average ugly. Bumpy, green . . . and they had these really oversized, heavy arms.
Giles nods, looking down at a book.
GILES: They look like this?
Buffy moves over to view the book, which Giles places on the table. An etching of the demon Buffy and Dawn fought lies on the page. She nods.
BUFFY: Yeah, that's the character.
GILES: A Gamparol demon. They don't normally inhabit areas like Sunnydale.
WILLOW: Where do they inhabit usually?
GILES: The Gamparol Dimension. They don't really exist in ours, and if they do, it's for very special visits indeed.
BUFFY (confused, shakes her head): Anyone want to fill me in? What's the deal with these Grandpa demons and what do they have to do with anything?
GILES: Willow, Anya and Xander all encountered humans with extraordinary strength. It seemed to have some correlation with the demons you said were so weak last night. The Gamporal demons.
WILLOW: Except they weren't Gamporal demons.
GILES: No. They were humans who were forced to switch bodies by the demons.
BUFFY: So you're telling me that some demons are just walking around in public, and we can't even tell the difference?
GILES: Aside from the super-human strength, no.
WILLOW: I don't get it. Why would these demons switch bodies in the first place?
XANDER: Besides the fact that they get to have their kicks wreaking havoc and no one can tell them apart from Bobby and Mary Sue?
GILES: Well that's the thing about these demons. I said that they don't exist in this dimension--
BUFFY: But I saw them . . . the same ones that are in your book.
GILES: That's right. The only way they can exist in this dimension is if they assume the form of some other being. Most easily, humans.
WILLOW: Since there seem to be an abundance on Planet Earth.
GILES: And keep in mind, that's only for a limited amount of time. Those bodies of the demons . . . they age at an accelerated rate while in this dimension.
XANDER: So the humans in those bodies---
GILES: Once the Gamporal demons decide to return to their dimension, they switch into their regular forms. When they return to Gamporal, they haven't aged at all. However, the humans that return to their regular form are internally destroyed. While they look exactly the same as before the switch, their heart and many other internal organs are about 60 years ahead of them.
WILLOW: That's not fair! The demons crash town for some fun in the sun and the humans are left old and decrepit?
Giles nods.
BUFFY: Any idea as to why they're in town?
ANYA: Well, this Demon Convention probably lured them into dimension hopping. What demon is gonna turn down a free catered affair?
BUFFY: Well, we gotta find them . . . we have to make sure they switch with the humans before anyone gets really hurt.
XANDER: Well, once we do, what then?
BUFFY: We track down the humans and find a spell that can make them switch back again I guess.
GILES: Willow and I shall do that. You and Xander root out the whereabouts of the convention. Anya and Dawn should go try and find the humans.
Willow's eyes widen when she hears her name associated with magic and fidgets in her chair.
BUFFY (raises an eyebrow): You want Dawn involved in this little caper? Would you like to see my sister die a pointlessly early death?
GILES: Come on now, Buffy, you could more than defend her if it came to that. And with all the training you've been giving her, she might even be of use.
ANYA: And I have to go? Why do I have to go? Right about now, I have an igloo to find and a male to impose some venereal disease upon. I don't have time for this.
XANDER (sarcastically): Yeah, I'd hate to see the saving of lives get in the way of your taking them.
GILES: Anya, we need all the help we can get. There's no way of knowing exactly how many demons will be present at this convention.
XANDER: And to think, you may even get to see some of your old chums. Think of this as an opportunity to get together and share old nostalgic tales of disembowelment.
Anya glares at Xander, but Giles quietly persists.
GILES: Anya . . . please.
Anya looks toward Giles and softens as he smiles at her gently. She pauses in a lingering, soft glance at Giles that makes Xander slightly nervous.
ANYA: Alright.
WILLOW: I still find this whole thing sketchy. A demon convention? Don't they figure that you'll sniff them out and crash the party? It'll be so much easier to kill them if they're all en masse.
BUFFY (shrugs): Or they think it'll be easier to kill me.
She turns and begins to walk out of the Magic Box with Xander and Anya reluctantly following behind.
INT: A dingy warehouse. A crowd of demons and vampires all sit assembled in front of a desk where three horned demons resembling the kind seen in "Bargaining" sit. The place is noisy and rowdy and full of whoops and cheers.
DEMON GUY #1: We'd like to welcome you all to the 1st Annual Sunnydale Demon Convention! Let the mayhem begin!
The crowd begins whooping loudly again. Cut to a window near the back where Buffy and Xander are crouching.
XANDER: I can't even tell how many are in there. You don't think you can take them all, do you?
BUFFY: I'm just concerned about a particular two. But hey, if the rest of them want to make it harder on me, it's their death.
Anya and Dawn suddenly appear, with two of the Gamporal demons/humans trailing behind.
DAWN: We found the switched beasties. What's going on?
Buffy motions for them to crouch down from the window and they all peek into it from their position. The Gamporal demons don't know what to do with themselves and kind of shift uneasily.
BUFFY: Have you seen Willow? She needs to get here to do the spell.
ANYA: Have you even found the demons yet?
BUFFY (shrugs): I know they're in there somewhere. Shouldn't be too hard to find. We're looking for two demons resembling humans, they'll be pretty detectable among this motley crew.
ANYA: I think I see the----oh man! D'Hoffryn's in there!
Cut to D'Hoffryn, who stands sedately among the rest of the crowd.
ANYA (cont'd): He's gonna be so pissed when he realizes I skipped out on my appointment! (Groans) And I'm already on the verge of a cutback in my pay.
XANDER (grimaces and squints at Anya): What's the matter, not eviscerating guys' entrails with enough relish?
ANYA (gives Xander a cold look): As a matter of fact, yes. (Pauses and looks back into the window to disguise her sheepish shame) D'Hoffryn thinks I'm letting humanity affect too much of my work.
XANDER (pauses and goes soft as he contemplates this, but returns to his bullying self-righteous demeanor): God forbid that.
BUFFY: Enough you two, we have a serious job to do.
Cut back to the warehouse, where Demon Guy #1 (who, it is now established, is the leader) is standing at the head table.
DEMON GUY #1 (cont'd): But before we get down to business, let's just take a moment to thank the guy who made this all happen----Bernard!
A short, stocky horned demon shyly stands up as people applauding politely.
DEMON GUY #2: We used his Xerox machine for the flyers!
BERNARD: I do wedding invitations, too. Tell your friends.
DEMON GUY #1: And how about we give a warm welcome to some out-of-towners . . . making their way across dimensions, let's give it up for a pair of Gamporal demons!
Everyone erupts into wild applause as two human-like demons, the boy from the Espresso Pump and a little old lady, stands up. Cut to Buffy, who's still peering through the window.
BUFFY (whispers): That's it, that's them.
DEMON GUY #1: Any words you have after visiting our lovely little Hellmouth?
The demons just grunt and sit back down.
DEMON GUY #1: Uhhh…well said. Anyway enough of that, let's discuss the real reason we're here . . . to kill the Slayer.
The noise gets up to the highest level as the demons become wild with excitement. Suddenly, a voice silences the crowd.
SPIKE (OS): Well if I were you, I'd move on to the next bit of the agenda, cause I don't think that's likely to happen.
Everyone turns to look at Spike standing in the doorway and he is given venomous, dirty looks from all.
DEMON GUY #1: Spike. What are you doing here?
SPIKE: Should be apparent. Heard there was booze, heard there was blood, a fella likes to get down once in awhile. And can I just say that I am shocked and appalled to be left off the guest list. What kind of shoddy operation you runnin'?
DEMON GUY #1: We don't invite the Slayer's cohorts. We don't invite traitors to our own kind.
SPIKE: See, that's where you got it all wrong, mate. The traitors are the true heroes of the bunch. They named an egg dish after Benedict Arnold, what do you think they'll name after your sorry ass?
A demon leaps up from a chair in expectation of a fight with Spike. He easily creams him into submission, but another demon is right in line to get the chance to connect his fist to Spike's face. Soon the whole warehouse is in an uproar as they all try to take on Spike. Cut to Buffy, whose eyes are already wide from Spike's entrance. She gets up from the window and motions everyone towards the door.
BUFFY: Come on you guys, now.
They jump in on the fray, but go relatively unnoticed as Spike continues battling many of the demons. In a long fight sequence that I don't feel like getting into, Spike easily beats a small crowd of demons into submission. Suddenly a demon turns and sees Buffy.
DEMON GUY #3: Hey, the Slayer's crashed the party!
All the demons, including Spike, turn. Spike looks at her with surprise and dismay
SPIKE: Slayer. Get out of here now. While you still can.
BUFFY (cold): You fight your own battles Spike, I'll fight mine.
SPIKE: According to your track record, many of your battles end up with you dying.
BUFFY: I've averted the apocalypse on several occasions, I think I can handle a couple of party animals.
Immediately a demon stalks up to her and punches her face powerfully.
SPIKE (smirks): Sure you can, pet.
Instantly, Buffy begins grappling with at least five demons surrounding her. Xander joins and tries to help her while Anya tries to sneak off to the back to avoid D'Hoffryn, who has already caught sight of her over the other demons heads. Dawn excitedly stands on the sidelines with the switched humans, but looks itching to join in on the fight. She bounces in expectation every time she sees an opportunity to cut in but never does. Bored, she looks over at the twitching humans.
DAWN: This is boring. I saw Fritos over at the snack bar, you want to go check it out?
The switched humans glance at each other and nod. They follow Dawn towards the side.
Cut to Buffy, who is currently wincing in a headlock administered by a bulky green demon.
BUFFY (hisses): Where is Willow?
She flips the demon over easily. Meanwhile, Xander is trapped against a wall by a demon who is trying to choke him.
XANDER (nervously): I don't know, but I hope she gets here soon, while I still have a steady supply of oxygen.
Buffy goes over and throws the demon off Xander, cracking his neck with a resounding noise. Willow bursts into the warehouse from the backdoor, frantically searching for Buffy and Xander.
WILLOW: Here! I'm here!
Dawn sees her amidst the din and runs towards her.
DAWN: Willow!
Willow turns around as Dawn reaches her and starts to draw a crystal out of her bag.
DAWN: What's that?
WILLOW: A talisman. It's for reversing the spell. It's to switch the Gamporal demons back.
DAWN: W-well what are you supposed to do?
WILLOW (looking around at the fray): Somehow, the Gamporal demons and the humans are supposed to make contact. I read a chant and hold the talisman out towards them, deflecting their energies back into their own bodies.
DAWN (nervous): You think you can handle it?
Willow looks a little unconfidently towards Dawn, but soon turns her head away as Buffy calls her.
BUFFY: Willow!
Willow sees the real Gamporal demons edge off to the side, trying to make an exit.
WILLOW: Buffy, stop them!
Buffy whirls her head over to where Willow is indicating and makes a run for the demons. Demon Guy #1 suddenly blocks her way and towers over her. He quickly gets one hand around her neck and lifts her off the ground. She tries crying out and Spike turns around, hearing it. Demon Guy #1 takes his other hand and rips off the cross necklace that's dangling from her neck and holds it up to her.
DEMON GUY #1: When you gonna learn Slayer? This? (Shakes the necklace) Nothin' but a sweet fallacy.
He throws the necklace to the floor, but Spike is already on his way over to the demon.
SPIKE (grabs the demon's arm and punches him in the face): Hands off the lady, pissant.
Spike grapples with the demon, ultimately defeating him. Buffy leans over, coughing. Concerned, Spike goes over to her and puts a hand to her back.
SPIKE: Buffy, you alright?
Willow tries running for the Gamporal demons, but a vampire grabs her and blocks her against a wall. Dawn sees it and runs towards her. She tries batting at the vampire weakly.
DAWN: Get off her!
The vampire smacks Dawn hard across the face and sends her reeling to the floor. Willow turns and quickly grabs a wooden pole and stakes the vampire before he can turn around. As soon as he dusts, Willow throws off her purse and crouches to the floor, shaking Dawn.
WILLOW: Dawny?
Anya looks around fearfully as she sees D'Hoffryn approaching her angrily. She turns and tries to run for the exit, but Xander grabs her arm and stops her.
XANDER: Where do you think you're going?
Amidst the craziness, a piece of paper and the crystal tumble to the floor. Curiously, a demon stops and reaches down to inspect the piece of paper and crystal.
BERNARD: What's this? (reading) 'Unto those who have been born, return his spirit to its true form'?
Unbeknownst to any of the Scoobies, they are all (coincidentally) standing front of Bernard in pairs. The crystal glows and six streams of light shoot out of it, directed at them. Still holding onto each other, each pair stares at each other in confusion. Finally, they each glow a bright green color and a light flashes around each of them. As the light disappears, each pair stares at each other until they shake their head out of their dazes. Cut to Buffy and Spike, who are still gazing at each other with apprehension. Suddenly, a demon grabs Buffy and smacks her across the face. She looks down, snarling. When she looks up, we see her face has become disfigured and changed into a vampire's.
Blackout
ACT III
INT: Warehouse.
Buffy kicks the demon grappling with her in the chest and easily defeats him. Xander and Anya pause and look at each other in confusion as do Willow and Dawn. Cut to the Gamporal demons, who successfully make a getaway out the front entrance. The switched humans are also getting nervous with the present predicament and run off in the opposite direction. Willow looks up in alarm.
WILLOW: They're getting away!
Spike looks up and Dawn notices Buffy's necklace on the floor.
DAWN: Spike, your necklace!
Spike notices the necklace on the floor and reaches down for it, draping it over his neck, never burning all the while. Bernard the demon looks around furtively and gazes down at the talisman.
SPIKE: Well sod it, after them, you lot!
He nods over to Anya, Xander, Dawn and Willow, who all look like deer-in-headlights before scattering. D'Hoffryn makes his way through the little crowd of demons that is left and stalks towards Xander, who nervously tries to get away. D'Hoffryn catches up to Xander angrily.
D'HOFFRYN: Skipping out on your business engagements, are you? You're already skating on thin ice, Xanyanka.
Xander nods guiltily.
XANDER: I know D-Man, it's just I got tied up and----
D'HOFFRYN: And how many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me 'D-Man'?
Bernard sneaks the talisman into his pocket and runs out of the warehouse. Spike turns and tries to run towards Anya, Willow and Dawn when Buffy calls him.
BUFFY: Slayer!
Spike turns and uneasily glances at Buffy, who suddenly looks like she has forgotten what she wanted to say. She looks at him pleadingly and for a second, Spike wavers.
WILLOW: Spike, come on!
Spike reluctantly tears his gaze from Buffy and run towards Willow and the rest, leaving Buffy alone with the rest of the demons. Looking almost broken for a moment, a few of the demons that are left start hassling her and she begins to fight back.
EXT: Spike, Anya, Willow and Dawn walking through the moonlit cemetery.
SPIKE: How could you let them get away?
WILLOW: It wasn't our fault! There was too much going on!
SPIKE: Well that's bloody great, y'know? Some innocent humans are rapidly approaching the geriatric age as we speak while a pair of demons are havin' a lark about town in their bodies. And now I gotta waste a perfectly good evening trying to track 'em down again. (Whines) And it's season premiere night on the telly too. I'm missin' 'Gilmore Girls' for this.
ANYA: You know, for a Slayer, you're awfully lacking in proactive initiative.
SPIKE: Sorry I don't take matters into my own hands like you, Anya. Wish I could be the King of Action and go about runnin' off and jilting lovers at the wedding altar but I figure you've already filled the position.
ANYA (incensed): Hey!
WILLOW (leaning towards Anya): Don't pay attention, he's just testy about the Gamporal demons.
ANYA (rudely): More like he's testy about 'Buffy the Bloody'.
Spike's face hardens as he goes quiet for a moment. Dawn frowns with slight sympathy.
SPIKE: Don't start, Anya.
ANYA: Don't start with me, Spike. I saw the way you were looking at her back there.
Spike emits a rough, humorless chuckle and shakes his head, trying to suppress something lurking under his hard features.
DAWN: Anyone else feel bad about how we left her behind with all those demons back in that warehouse?
SPIKE (under his breath): Buffy can take care of herself. She's killed more than her share of innocents over the past century, she can handle a couple of burly dimwit demons.
DAWN: Yeah, but she said she had a soul now . . . d-doesn't that make up for-----
SPIKE (harshly): I don't want to hear it, Nibblet. (Stalks away from the three girls)
ANYA (nods knowingly): Way to go, Dawn.
DAWN: What? I can't help it that he goes all grouch-ified every time he hears her name.
ANYA: Which is why we make a habit of not mentioning her name.
DAWN: You're the one who mentioned her first. And . . . I don't know, I just can't help but feel sorry for her . . . I was always close to her, you know?
WILLOW: Dawn, she's a vampire. Not only just a vampire, but also one who's tried to kill Spike on various occasion.
DAWN: Yeah, and then she fell in love with him. And then she tried to redeem herself. And Spike cares about her too, you both know this.
ANYA (abruptly): Well sometimes it doesn't matter how much some people love each other. If someone knows that being together while result in a worse future than being apart then it isn't meant to be!
Dawn and Willow give Anya strange looks.
DAWN: I have got the vague feeling we're not discussing Buffy and Spike anymore.
Anya shrugs uneasily.
ANYA: What? I have no issues that result in spontaneous exclamatories.
WILLOW (gives her a look): Sure. Speaking of, what happened to Xander?
Anya immediately grows uncomfortable and twitches.
ANYA (snidely): Reporting to the head vengeance demon master no doubt. Trying to explain why he missed out on inducing carnage on faithless woman everywhere.
WILLOW (sighs): The explanation 'not here' would've done.
Dawn pauses and feels around her pockets.
DAWN: Oh no! T-the talisman! I must have dropped it! At the warehouse! You know, for the spell?
Willow and Anya stop and stare at her. Anya twitches uncomfortably.
ANYA: Is it just me, or does anyone else get incredibly uneasy to hear your name associated with spells?
Dawn frowns and twitches awkwardly. Willow looks down uncomfortably.
DAWN: What? Giles said it was okay, that I should take baby steps.
ANYA: Considering that your last spell left a guy dead and skinned in the woods, Giles and I almost buried to death under the destruction of the Magic Box, and Spike and Willow lying in a hole in the ground, I'm not eagerly anticipating the consequences of your next spell, baby steps or not.
Dawn continues to frown, ridden with guilt. She almost starts to tear up when Willow places a hand on Anya's arm.
WILLOW: Hey, easy on her, all right?
ANYA (surprised): Wouldn't have figured that you'd be the one to stick up for Black Magic Woman. She tried to turn you back into a non-existent, glowy entity.
WILLOW (sharply): I know. I was there, I remember.
She looks darkly at Dawn for a second and then looks back down. Dawn shakes her head guiltily and reaches out her arms in a little imploring gesture.
DAWN (slightly teary): I-I'm . . . I'm sorry Willow. I feel horrible . . .
Willow abruptly walks past her.
WILLOW: There isn't time for this. We have a pair of demons to find.
Willow starts to walk away and Anya soon follows her, still giving Dawn a knowing look. Dawn looks at a loss, but slowly follows as well.
Cut to Spike, walking down a dark alleyway, carefully scanning for the demons. He hears a rustle behind him and jumps with caution, holding up a stake. He whirls around and when he returns to the direction he was facing, Buffy is standing there. She looks expectantly hopeful and conflicted at the same time.
BUFFY: Spike . . .
Spike's jaw tightens and he turns and starts walking away from her, looking around for any sign of the demon.
SPIKE: Go home, Buffy. I'm in no mood to deal with you tonight.
Buffy looks crestfallen.
BUFFY: Spike, wait . . .
Spike turns around sharply.
SPIKE (impatiently): What is it, Buffy? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Buffy pauses and her eyes tear up. She starts to approach him slowly.
BUFFY: Do you know what it's like to h-hear all these voices inside me, Spike? They're . . . they're splitting my mind apart into a million different directions and I don't know which direction will lead me to the place I want to be.
SPIKE (rolls his eyes): Spectacular. Two missing demons and a vampire making with the crypto-speak. Not exactly what I needed tonight.
BUFFY (starting to get angry): Right. Doing that thing you do with the Slayer-flippancy. I know the deal. Trying to keep it light, trying to deny everything that really means something to you.
SPIKE (glares at her): I suppose you think you mean something to me.
Buffy is silent, cocking her head slowly. Spike stares at her, his expression slowly weakening in hardness.
BUFFY: And I suppose this is when you resolutely object to whatever I think.
SPIKE (quietly): You're a demon, Buffy. There's nothing that will change that.
BUFFY: I have a soul now----
SPIKE: So . . . what? I'm supposed to accept you with arms wide open because you found the soulful prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box? I'm supposed to accept you after years of torturing people without so much as an afterthought?
BUFFY (wavers and turns her head away tearfully): Everyday I'm sorry for . . . for the years and the acts of evil I committed. Every minute . . . not a moment goes by when I'm not filled with this raw feeling of being torn apart at the seams.
SPIKE (pauses): As nice a visual picture as that is, I don't know what to do for you.
Buffy approaches his him slowly in a long, seductive swagger.
BUFFY (spoken low): Yes you do, Spike. You always have.
Spike straightens as she nears him. Buffy teases him without touching him, hovering her mouth close to his.
BUFFY (cont'd): All those months ago, you knew it. And you couldn't stand to be away from me, not for a second. I consumed you, we burned each other every time we touched----
Spike can't stand it anymore and grabs Buffy's hand, which was slowly inching up his neck.
SPIKE (harshly): That was then, Buffy . . .
BUFFY: And now?
He pushes himself off of her and she slumps, looking like she's been slapped across the face.
SPIKE (trying to convince himself): You mean nothing to me.
Buffy looks up at him with tears in her eyes.
BUFFY (shakes her head): Don't even say it, Spike----
SPIKE (interrupts sharply): You're beneath me.
BUFFY (breaking): I . . . I got a soul for you . . .
SPIKE: Glossier packaging. Doesn't change who you are. You can't change.
BUFFY: You're not even giving me the chance.
Spike pauses and almost looks tempted to touch her.
SPIKE: It's not that easy.
BUFFY (quietly): Because you make it that way for yourself.
Spike gives her one last look and finally begins to walk away.
BUFFY (still teary): I love you, Spike.
Spike pauses and looks conflicted, but walks away.
INT: The warehouse, now empty except for the mess of rubble and food scattered all over the floor. Xander sits on a crate with his head hanging shamefully. D'Hoffryn stands over him with a reprimanding air.
D'HOFFRYN: And I can't even begin to describe the deterioration in your work! Many of the clients are most unpleased with the shoddy vengeance you've wrought lately. And why has your performance suffered, Xander, why? Tell my why.
XANDER (shrugging): I don't know, I guess it would be----
D'HOFFRYN (interrupts): I'll tell you exactly why. It's that way you keep carrying on with the Slayer and his silly group of do-gooders. You neglect your responsibilities in favor of getting involved with people who don't even like you, don't even appreciate your real talent for vengeance.
XANDER (darkly): I know, it's just----
D'HOFFRYN: You know what I think? I think it's all a ploy for you to stay close to that girl who betrayed you, Anya.
XANDER (whipping his head up): This has nothing to do with her!
D'HOFFRYN: Really? Because if you were a true vengeance demon, you would have made that girl suffer for the way she's treated you long ago.
XANDER: You know that I can't do that.
D'HOFFRYN: I know you can't do that, but someone else easily can.
XANDER: No. I could never wish anything upon Anya.
D'HOFFRYN: Honestly, Xander. The way you've acted about this whole affair---it borders on . . . human-like.
XANDER (looks sharply at D'Hoffryn): It's not like I'm still in love with her. I'm not. I just . . . I'm past vengeance when it comes to her.
D'HOFFRYN: Listen to yourself, Xanyanka! 'Past vengeance'? How far gone are you? (Shakes his head in disbelief) I wouldn't listen to all the rumors, but now----
XANDER: What rumors?
D'HOFFRYN (crosses his arms reproachfully): I've been giving this a lot of thought Xander, and I think the best thing for you to do is . . . to return to Arashmaharr with me.
XANDER (widens his eyes): Arashmaharr?
D'HOFFRYN: Sunnydale's no good for you. You've spent centuries creating chaos like no other demon I have known . . . and now . . . look what you've been reduced to. Sniveling over some heartless girl who wronged you. You shame our brethren.
XANDER: I can't just leave Sunnydale . . . there are things here.
D'HOFFRYN: What things?
XANDER (pauses when contemplating this): . . . Friends.
D'HOFFRYN (scoffs): Please . . . you think the Slayer and his associates are your friends? They don't care if you live or die. (Scoots his face nearer to Xander) Come back with me, Xanyanka. Be with your true friends in Arashmaharr. It's your choice.
Xander looks up, conflicted.
EXT: Willow, Anya and Dawn are walking down Main Street when Dawn bumps into a demon who tumbles out of a side alleyway.
DAWN: Hey----I know you!
BERNARD (fearfully): Yeah . . . I know you, too. You're that crazy chick who tried to erect the temple of Prosepexa up and end the world last spring.
Dawn frowns sullenly.
ANYA: Otherwise known as Dawn. Or "Dawny" to her friends.
DAWN: You were at that convention. I saw you. (Narrows her eyes). Hey, you haven't happened to see a pair of Gamporal demons runnin' amuck around town, have you?
BERNARD: Hard to say. Considering they look as differential to me as you do to her (Cocks his head at Anya). They're still living large in those human bodies they rented.
WILLOW: We know. And that's why we're trying to find them.
BERNARD: Well, I can't help you. (Looks around nervously) I gotta go, I have a place I gotta be---
Bernard runs and turns, but the talisman tumbles out of his pocket.
DAWN: Hey, that's the talisman!
She leans down to pick it up.
WILLOW (approaches Bernard suspiciously): What are you doing with our talisman?
BERNARD (shaking): Didn't know whose it was, I swear. I-I found it . . . at the convention thingy.
ANYA: Well it's ours, you miserable toad, now say your sorry for taking it and scram!
BERNARD (gulps): I-I'm sorry . . .
He runs off. Amused, Willow watches as he retreats back into the darkness.
WILLOW: And that would be a prime example of the 'wuss' variety of demon.
Dawn curiously turns over the talisman in her hand.
DAWN (softly): It's strange.
WILLOW: What's strange, Dawn?
DAWN (looks up confusedly): I don't know . . . it just suddenly feels like . . . something doesn't fit somehow.
ANYA (squints her eyes at her): You do know that drugs really mess up your mind, don't you?
DAWN: I'm serious. I just have this weird, prickly feeling that this isn't right somehow. Like it's all a dream.
Anya promptly pinches Dawn's arm, hard.
DAWN: Ow! What is your trauma?!
ANYA: Pain's real. Not a dream.
DAWN (scowls): It wasn't an open invitation to injure me, Anya, it was just a feeling.
Willow is staring into space and looks abruptly up at Dawn.
WILLOW: You know, she's right. This doesn't seem real somehow. I feel like . . . this isn't me.
ANYA (impatient): What do you mean this isn't you? You're Willow, I'm Anya, she's Dawn. Wherein does the confusion lie?
WILLOW (shrugs): I don't know . . . I guess it's nothing. Let's just talk to Giles about the whole switched demon thing, okay?
They are now at the door of the Magic Box and enter. Giles is still sitting at the table surrounded by books. He looks up absently.
GILES: Well, were you successful? Where's Buffy?
ANYA: A) Successful with an 'un' and B) Why would we care where Buffy is?
Dawn fidgets uncomfortably while Giles goes glazed over with surprise.
GILES: Ahem . . . umm . . . I don't understand. What happened? And did you all fall into a quarrel with Buffy?
ANYA (gives Giles a funny look): Why would we quarrel with Buffy? We haven't talked to Buffy in months.
Giles is still utterly confused and takes off his glasses to wipe them. Dawn looks out the window.
DAWN: I wonder why Spike isn't back already. He couldn't still be brooding over the whole thing.
GILES (sitting upright): Spike? You saw him at the convention?
WILLOW (gives Giles a blank look): Well duh. Kind of important that he be there.
Giles opens his mouth to say something, but is promptly interrupted when Spike makes his way through the door. Willow, Anya and Dawn casually turn to greet him while Giles gapes at him.
SPIKE: Any luck finding the demons?
GILES (amazed): Spike . . .
SPIKE (raising a confused eyebrow): Watcher . . .
GILES: What are you doing here?
SPIKE (looks around the shop): Is this a trick question?
DAWN: Giles, what is up with you? You're looking at us like we're a bunch of inbred freaks.
GILES (shakes his head blankly): Something happened tonight and I'm not particularly aware of what it was.
SPIKE: You're telling me. Utter chaos that demon convention was. A pile a' piss too, you should have seen these sorry suckers waiting there, convinced that they could defeat me, the Slayer---
GILES (interrupts): What? What did you just say?
SPIKE (confused): Have you had your daily cuppa tea, Rupes? You're startin' to give me the willies.
Giles notices the cross hanging from Spike's neck and pales.
GILES: Dear lord.
ANYA: I think he's having a "British Gentleman Gets the Mid-Life Crisis Wiggins" moment.
Concerned, Spike puts a hand to Giles shoulder.
SPIKE: You alright, Giles?
Giles looks up at Spike with astonishment.
GILES: 'Alright' is not the word . . .
Suddenly Dawn yelps as she drops a statue and it goes crashing to the ground. Everyone jumps and Anya scowls.
ANYA: Can you please not touch anything while in here? I'm not in the mood to experience another Armageddon created by your hands.
DAWN (glares at Anya): Nice, Anya. Keeping a running score card of how often you can throw my mistakes in my face? Why don't we dig up yours? Remember that time you callously left Xander at the altar and broke his heart? What am I saying, of course you don't. You remember everyone else's faults other than yours.
ANYA (points at Dawn): At least I didn't try to kill my friends and family!
Dawn tries to jump up towards Anya, but Willow blocks her, calming her down. Giles stares at the group with wide eyes.
SPIKE: Now, now girls, let's ease up on the cattiness, shall we?
WILLOW (looking deeply into Dawn's eyes, whispering): It's okay Dawn. It really is.
DAWN (looks guiltily at Willow): No it's not . . . I really tried to turn you back. I tried to turn you back into the Key. I know you said that it was okay, but how can it be? I tried to kill you . . .
WILLOW: You were in pain. You didn't know what you were doing. I understand.
DAWN (tearfully): You do?
WILLOW (looks past her absently before gazing back at her): Yeah . . . Somehow, deep inside . . . I do.
They hug.
ANYA (flatly): This is all very heartwarming, but what about the big bad body-snatchers?
SPIKE: I don't know . . . I thought we almost had them, we were ready to do the spell and everything, but----
Giles suddenly brightens, as if the mental light bulb goes off in his head. He stands up from the table.
GILES (loudly): I know what happened!
Everyone turns to look at him quizzically.
GILES (frantically): Y-you're . . . you're switched!
SPIKE: Bloody what?
GILES: Switched! Let me guess, Buffy's a souled vampire a-and, and . . . Spike's the slayer. Willow's the key, Dawn's a witch, Xander's a vengeance demon and Anya'a . . . (pauses) Anya's . . .
ANYA: Fabulous? A sharp dresser?
GILES (turns to the rest): The spell that was intended for the Gamporal demons, you're all under it.
Everyone looks at him skeptically.
SPIKE (guffaws): Oh, go on!
GILES: I'm serious, that's what must have happened. Willow and I must have translated the spell wrong . . . we must have left out a word or replaced one, I don't know. The point is, you must have all switched respectively and are under the illusion of some alternate universe where you think you're the roles you have assumed.
SPIKE: That's rot, Rupert, you----
Spike is interrupted by Buffy, who storms into the Magic Box, throwing a pair of unconscious humans and demons on the floor.
BUFFY (indifferently): I found what you're looking for. With the kind of incompetence you all got going for you, figured I'd do your dirty work.
ANYA: Is this where we thank you profusely and invite you to the family potluck?
BUFFY (sneers): Bite me, Jenkins.
ANYA (sniffs): I thought you indulge in that sort of thing.
SPIKE (frustrated): Enough! (Looking down at the ground, he shuffles his feet). Much obliged for your help, but----
GILES (interrupts): Buffy.
Spike and Buffy turn to Giles in surprise.
BUFFY: I'm sorry, is the Watcher-boy addressing me? Usually you just thrust a cross in my face and send me reeling out into the street.
GILES (softly): Buffy, don't you know me?
BUFFY (taken aback): Umm . . . sure. You're the watcher. I stayed in your condo when the Initiative was after me. Boy, that bathtub made for maximum comfort.
GILES: You're the Slayer, Buffy.
Spike gets up, incensed.
SPIKE: I'm the Slayer!
GILES: Buffy is the Slayer. (Turns to Spike). You're a vampire desperately in love with her.
BUFFY (smiles): Oh, I like this.
SPIKE: You're off your rocker, Rupes. I'm the Slayer, always have been, always will be---
Xander stalks into the shop, huffing and puffing. He has obviously run from something and he brightens weakly once facing everyone.
XANDER (nodding): And a heya to all you folks.
GILES (leans back in his chair): Xander. The vengeance demon I presume.
XANDER (looks around confusedly): Gee, what gave it away?
GILES (getting up from the chair): You're not a vengeance demon, you know.
XANDER (insecurely): What? Y-yes I am. I wreck vengeance up the yin-yang buddy! No one wields the power of the wish like the Xan-Man—
GILES: No one except Anya.
ANYA (surprised): Me? Excuse me, but no! I have demon issues! I'm nothing like . . . that.
XANDER (offended): That? You can't even dignify me with my name?! That's it, D'Hoffryn was right. I've got a one-way teleporting ticket back to Arashmaharr waiting for me----
ANYA (shrilly): And another innocent woman to give a hysterectomy?!
XANDER: Yeah, and if you're lucky, you could be next on the list!
Anya launches back and soon, everyone is arguing as Spike yells at Giles, Buffy yells at Spike and Dawn, Xander and Willow yell at Anya. Finally, Giles grabs the talisman and clears his throat loudly. When no one responds, he resorts to yelling.
GILES (loudly): Will you all bloody shut up?!
Everyone goes silent and gazes at Giles.
GILES (holding up the talisman): In a moment, you shall all return to your original forms once I smash and shatter this talisman to bits. Now, I hope you have all learned a lesson in this. I hope this evening of emotional turmoil has been very enlightening. If anything, the least you should realize is this . . . even as different people with different roles . . . you . . . are . . .all . . . bloody . . . drama . . . queens.
With force, he smashes the talisman to the table and a green light is emitted, shining briefly in each person before fading out. As the light fades out, everyone gazes at each other awkwardly. Spike suddenly yelps as the cross he is wearing starts to smolder, and he throws it off. Giles sighs and smiles as the screen fades out.
ACT IV
EXT: The training room of the Magic Box. The two human-demons are tied to a chair, still half-conscious as the demon-humans stand beside them. Dawn, Anya, Spike, Willow and Xander surround the demons and humans in a circle. Giles is near the back, rummaging through a chest. Buffy nears him and nudges him with a smile.
BUFFY: Hey. Quite a night, huh?
GILES: Oh I imagine more for you than me. You as a vampire, I'm sure that was an adventure.
BUFFY: More like a nightmare. Not only was I a vampire, but a souled, scorned one. (Pauses and looks down at her hands). Wasn't the most pleasant feeling in the world.
GILES (nods): Spike as a slayer was certainly the peak of the evening though. When he came stomping in with that cross around his neck, I thought I was dying of an embolism.
BUFFY (chuckles): Once I realized what was happening, I felt the same. (Looks down as Giles withdraws another similar talisman from the chest) You have multiples of those?
GILES (grins): You can never have enough talismans.
BUFFY: What I don't get is why everyone except you thought we were all who we switched into. Couldn't they realize that something was worse for the loopy?
GILES (shrugs): I suppose everyone present in the warehouse was under the same spell as you all and were sucked into the alternate universe you were tricked into believing. It can be very powerful, the illusion.
BUFFY (grimaces): I know . . . for a moment, I really felt like I was in Spike's shoes . . . and as much as I love shoes, I could have done without his.
Buffy looks up at Giles who smiles gently at her. She and Giles make their way over to the circle where everyone else is. Giles holds the talisman out and cocks his head to direct the humans and demons to make contact. The switched humans touch the sitting demons shoulders and Giles proceeds to recite the chant from a piece of paper.
GILES: 'Unto those who have been born, return their spirits and bodies'---- (Giles pauses and wags an eyebrow at Willow sheepishly)
WILLOW: Oops . . . my bad . . . I forgot to write that out, didn't I?
Giles nods and Dawn leans over towards Willow.
DAWN (whispering): So that's why we didn't change bodies, just roles? Because you left out a word?
Willow nods.
DAWN (grinning slightly): Darn. It would have been cool to switch into your bod. Always wanted to be a redhead.
Willow giggles, but promptly sneezes mightily. Dawn winces and hands her a tissue.
DAWN: I see your 'Gesundheit' and I raise you a major 'God Bless You'. You got a cold?
WILLOW (shaking her head and wiping her nose): Not that I know of . . . I guess the beginnings of one.
As Giles continues reciting the chant, Xander leans over towards Anya apologetically.
XANDER: Your boss invited you to go back to Arashmaharr.
ANYA (looks sharply at Xander): What? He did?
XANDER (nods): Well, he invited me, who was really you and umm . . . yeah, anyway . . . I just . . . wanted to let you know.
Anya looks at Xander awkwardly, and nods her head.
ANYA (softly): Thanks Xander.
XANDER: But you know . . . he told me some stuff about the scenery there . . . and it doesn't sound so great.
ANYA (grinning slightly): It doesn't?
XANDER: Yeah. I mean . . . what with all the smiting and the obligatory brimstone of a demon dimension. I think you would be better off staying here.
ANYA (looks out in front of her smugly); I figured that you'd want me out of your hair if any opportunity arose. (Looks back at Xander carefully). Am I right?
XANDER (in his trademark jumpy manner and shakes his head): You're wrong.
ANYA (hardens a bit): You never get tired of telling me that, do you?
XANDER: Wrong again. I get tired of lots of things about you, Anya. But I'd rather be tired than not. You should stay in Sunnydale.
ANYA: Are you asking me to stay, Xander?
XANDER (somberly): I am . . . if that would make you want to stay instead of leave.
ANYA: I don't think that's enough reason.
XANDER: Okay . . . you want some reasons, I can think of some of those. Umm . . . the Magic Box . . .
ANYA: A part-time occupation. Vengeance garners a lot better pay.
XANDER: Right. Well . . . h-how about . . . sushi?
ANYA: Sushi?
XANDER: Y-You like it. Sushi. They have it here, I doubt it's common in Arashmaharr.
ANYA: So I should stay because of the abundance of raw fish delicacies?
XANDER (pauses): I see your point. Umm . . . well gee, I can't think of very much reason past . . . y'know . . . us.
ANYA (looks up sharply): Who's us, Xander?
XANDER (nervous): N-not us us . . . the Scooby Gang, Giles. And yeah, maybe me. Your friends.
ANYA (a bit bitterly): Since when have you guys been my friends?
XANDER: We're all your friends, Anya. We care about you. Okay, so sometimes we don't necessarily get you, but friends don't have to get each other. The caring thing is enough.
ANYA: Is that what we are, Xander? Friends? Despite the fact that I'm a vengeance demon and I incur acts of violence to members of your sex? Do you still care?
XANDER (pauses, then firmly nods): More than anything. Nothing will change that.
Anya looks up at him and sees an expression of softness in his face, so she softens as well. As if she has already given an answer, she looks confidently away from Xander, who smiles in response.
Meanwhile, Giles has finished reciting the chant and a stream of light is exchanged between the demons and humans. As the light subsides, the demons, now in their original form and unbounded, start to try to make a getaway, but Buffy blocks them and snaps both their necks easily.
BUFFY (cracking each neck): Uh-uh, I don't think so. Not letting you return to your dimension only to have the chance to make my life a swapperiffic hell next time you decide to pay a visit.
She drops the demons to floor and gazes up and absently at Spike, who looks at her seriously. Suddenly, he whisks past her and out through the training room door, leaving her staring out in space blankly.
INT: Spike's crypt. Buffy again enters and the stream of sunlight fills the crypt, allowing Buffy to catch sight of Spike sullenly staring at the TV in front of him with a bottle of whisky in his hand.
SPIKE: Slayer. You gonna make these unwelcome visits a habit?
BUFFY (brightly): Maybe. You busy?
SPIKE (waves a hand at the television): I'm watching the telly.
Buffy peeks to see what he's watching, but the TV screen is blank.
BUFFY: The TV isn't even turned on.
SPIKE (blinks twice and stares at the TV): Oh. An unfortunate happenstance.
Buffy sits down gingerly on the couch next to him. Spike shifts away from her uncomfortably, wincing with pain from the burn on his chest. His hand flies up to the burn and Buffy's hand follows. She restrains the impulse and jerks her hand back. They sit in silence until it becomes too much for Spike and he sighs.
SPIKE: I know this is fast becoming a staple question when it comes to you, but what are you doing here?
BUFFY (pauses and ducks her head): Last night was pretty . . . eye-opening wasn't it?
SPIKE (carefully): Was it?
BUFFY: You said some horrible things to me last night.
SPIKE (innocently): Complimentary of your point-of-view pet.
BUFFY: I know. That's the thing. You were just being a reflection of me---heartless, misguided, cruel. And it was . . . I've treated you horribly Spike.
SPIKE (interrupts): Buffy, don't---
BUFFY: No, I'm serious . . . And to think, I doubted the soul. Your soul . . .
Her hand goes slowly up to his chest through his half-buttoned shirt to the burn and Spike winces, but not from pain. Buffy looks down at her hand, then up at Spike.
BUFFY: I don't know how you can stand it . . . the pain, the voices . . . I've never known that kind of pain before, not even when I was torn from heaven.
Spike fights the emotion rising in his expression, but Buffy continues.
BUFFY: And I guess I just came to say . . . that I understand it. Not entirely, but . . . a part of me, Spike. I understand what you're going throu----
SPIKE (interrupts): Lucky for you, 'cause I don't.
Buffy frowns with confusion and draws her hand away quickly.
SPIKE: For the first time, I saw myself the way you saw me . . . the way you see me. Dirty, depraved, ugly . . . and I realized . . . you were right all along.
BUFFY: Spike, no---
SPIKE: No Buffy, don't you see? This? (Puts a hand to his chest) It doesn't take it away. It's too little, too late. I'm a monster, I always have been, I always will be.
Buffy is speechless as tears begin to well up in her eyes.
SPIKE: I should have listened to you all along. When you cast me out, when you told me I was beneath you, I should have seen the truth in it . . . if I had, I never would have tried to . . .
He pauses and looks down, clenching his teeth visibly. When he looks back up, his face mirrors Buffy's with the broken expression and the tears.
SPIKE (puts a gentle hand to the side of her face, wiping away some of the tears): So don't you see, luv? I'm glad you understand. Maybe you can understand for the both of us, because I sure as hell can't. I'll never be able to fathom everything I've put you through, and I don't think I want to.
BUFFY (breaking): Spike . . . what happened to you being afraid to be alone?
SPIKE: Weakness. Common in man . . . and I guess that's what I am now, aren't I? But wait, no . . . no, it's too late for that. It's too late. Isn't it?
Buffy tries to say something, but cannot form any words. Spike gets up from the couch and opens the door of the crypt, waiting for her to leave.
SPIKE (quietly): You should leave Buffy.
Buffy turns around and gets up from the couch, still staring at Spike in confusion. Finally she relaxes and starts to head out the door.
BUFFY: Fine. I'll send Dawn over later with some blood from the butcher's----
SPIKE: No. I mean . . . you should leave and never come back.
BUFFY (stops at the door): Is . . .is that what you want?
SPIKE (pauses a moment, but finally gets the strength and resolve to continue): It's what you need. I finally got that.
A lingering glance is exchanged between the two and Buffy looks reluctant to leave. But finally, Spike motions her through the door, which she exits out of. Before she can turn around, he slams it shut, leaving her confused and hurt. Finally she sighs and strides away from the crypt in sunlight. The last scene of the episode is a close up of Buffy's tear-streaked face as she walks away from the crypt.
Blackout.