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Spoilers: Takes place post-"Help"
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THE QUIET
"What do you do when you know you can't help?"
Buffy paced back and forth behind her desk as her own voice along with a thousand other questions stomped through her brain. She had to have control over her own life. She had just gotten it back, gotten in control and thing, they were going pretty well. Great new job and Willow was back and... Anya was a demon again and Spike was crazy in the basement and...
NO! She thought to herself. Think of the good, think of the happy, think of...
"Hey Buffy."
The Slayer looked up from the point on the floor that she had been focusing on to see her sister standing at her desk.
"Dawn? Hi. Is everything okay?"
She nodded. "Sure, it's my lunch period and I just came to see how you were doing. So, how are you doing?"
"Okay, I guess. I'm... how about you. How are you holding up?"
Dawn shook her head mindlessly. "It's hard, for now. But it'll get easier. I know, considering how many people I've cared for have dies, I'm kind of learning procedure."
Buffy sighed heavily. "I'm sorry."
"It's nothing you can help."
"I know."
The sisters stood in silence as Dawn watched Buffy intently. She could see something was bothering her, no, more like eating away at her. Buffy had the twisted up expression on her face that she always got when she was thinking really hard about something.
"What is it already?" Dawn asked with frustration.
"It's nothing," Buffy lied, shaking her head absently.
"What kind of nothing?"
"The Spike kind," the Slayer confessed flopping down into her chair.
"Oh," Dawn murmured quietly, sitting in the seat on the opposite side of Buffy's desk. "That kind. Is he-"
"Still in the basement? Yeah, very much. I- I went to see him last Friday to see if he could help-"
"He did, didn't he. You said he saved Cassie's life, at least, at that point."
"Yeah he did but, when I saw him, the first time, he was so sad Dawn. I have never seen him like that. He was sitting there, staring at the wall. He said that he thought if he was very still and did nothing, it would be quiet and it wouldn't hurt... much."
"Wow, he's really messed up, huh?"
Buffy nodded. "It's eating away at him down there, Dawnie. And then, he asked me to stay, to help him make it quiet."
"And you did, right?" Dawn asked eagerly.
"How could I. It's seems like every time I'm with him whatever pain he has intensifies by like a thousand and I just couldn't. I didn't want to make it worse, anymore. It's hurting me so much to see him hurting like that."
Dawn furrowed her brow. "That's pretty cold Buffy. I mean, you just left him there?"
"Dawn-"
"Buffy, I love you more than anything in this earth but you can be really selfish sometimes," and with that, the key stood and left for the door.
"Dawn! Wait!" Buffy called after her sister.
"What?"
"What should I do?"
Dawn shrugged. "Help him make it quiet."
************************************************************************
It seemed like it took forever for Buffy's free period to come. All twenty minutes that she had to wait seemed like an eternity. But it came, and she was a Slayer on a mission.
She waited until after the bell rang and everyone was out of the hallway to creep to the basement entrance. Buffy opened the door and sneaked in quietly. At that point, she had gone down enough times to figure out how to get to the area where Spike was usually at. And it wasn't hard to find Spike that day, due tot he fact that he was once again talking to himself.
"Do you think I don't know it? You bloody poof, just... no, no, no. It can't be you. You are not me! Just-just-just stop! I can't heart his right now, I'm very busy. You can't tell me what to do!"
"Spike?"
The vampire stopped his ranting and swung around. He cocked his head slightly to the right and stared at her for a moment.
"It's the girl. Did I hurt you still? Am I hurting you? I'm so wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong," he said as he put his head in his hands and gripped his hair. He kept repeating the word till Buffy walked cautiously to him and placed her hands over his own.
"Just stop for a second, okay," she told him quietly.
His grip on his hair loosened and guided by Buffy's dainty fingers he lowered his hands to his sides.
"Has it been long?" He asked.
"Since what?"
"Since I saw you last?"
"No, it's only Monday."
Spike smiled childishly at Buffy who was about to speak again when Spike's attention was abruptly turned from the Slayer to no one.
"Why are you here again? I told you I don't need you. You keep coming around like it's the same as it was. I tried to please you, you know? I tried to make it right but it's never good enough for you!" Pause. "I can't, I can't, I can't. I'm not listening, I'm not! You can't-"
"Spike!"
The vampire turned his attention the Buffy who was standing in front of him looking rather annoyed. When did she get there? He asked himself silently.
"Buffy?"
"Yes, it's Buffy. Okay, I'm the only one here. Focus on me, okay?"
Spike nodded obediently and she took his hand. "Come on."
She sat him down at the spot where she had found him the other day. She pulled over another empty crate so that she could sit across from him.
"Why are you here?" He asked.
"Didn't you want me to be? I guess."
Spike nodded helplessly.
"I guess I figured it would be nice for you to not be alone for a while."
Spike looked sadly at the ground. "I'm never alone, not when everyone's here," he told her pointing to his head.
"Oh Spike, I wish-"
"Did I help her?" Spike asked randomly, interrupting Buffy.
"What, help who?"
"The girl, Cassie. Did I help her?"
"Oh, that. Yeah, you did. She died though. She had a heart condition. But it wasn't your fault, okay. Do you understand that it wasn't your fault?"
Spike looked like he was going to answer and then decided against it when he shook his head.
"Okay."
"Is Dawn okay? She- she hates me you know. She doesn't want... I've spoiled everything."
"She doesn't hate you," Buffy told him sincerely. "She's just, a bit messed up about the whole situation. Don't worry about it so much."
"She said, the girl, the one you lost, she said you would tell me someday."
"About that, Spike, I-"
"Don't say it. You can't ever. I, when I got it, my... soul," he struggled just to say the word, "I wanted to give you, what you deserved and I see it now, what I am, what I was, you don't deserve any of it."
"Yet."
Spike looked at Buffy with a puzzled expression.
"I don't' deserve you, *yet*. And you're right, I can't say it, *yet*. But someday. I know what you feel, and I know what I feel, and I know that all of it is real, but it's just not time."
Spike looked at the ground, and ashamed expression on his face. "I didn't mean to hurt the girl."
Buffy placed her hand softly on his knee. "I know. Now be quiet."
"What?" Spike asked looking up.
"You said you wanted help with the quiet, to make it quiet, and I'm here, to help." Buffy looked at her watch, "and I got a whole thirty-two minutes left to do that in."
Buffy reached forward slowly and gently placed her hand on the sides of his head. Softly she rubbed his temples with her thumbs. A closed his deep blue eyes and a fresh batch of tears fell from them swiftly.
"It hurts so much, Buffy. It just hurts all the time."
"Shhhh," Buffy silenced him and continued to massage the delicate spots on his head. And after months of talking, for a few moments, Spike found quiet.
THE END
THE QUIET
"What do you do when you know you can't help?"
Buffy paced back and forth behind her desk as her own voice along with a thousand other questions stomped through her brain. She had to have control over her own life. She had just gotten it back, gotten in control and thing, they were going pretty well. Great new job and Willow was back and... Anya was a demon again and Spike was crazy in the basement and...
NO! She thought to herself. Think of the good, think of the happy, think of...
"Hey Buffy."
The Slayer looked up from the point on the floor that she had been focusing on to see her sister standing at her desk.
"Dawn? Hi. Is everything okay?"
She nodded. "Sure, it's my lunch period and I just came to see how you were doing. So, how are you doing?"
"Okay, I guess. I'm... how about you. How are you holding up?"
Dawn shook her head mindlessly. "It's hard, for now. But it'll get easier. I know, considering how many people I've cared for have dies, I'm kind of learning procedure."
Buffy sighed heavily. "I'm sorry."
"It's nothing you can help."
"I know."
The sisters stood in silence as Dawn watched Buffy intently. She could see something was bothering her, no, more like eating away at her. Buffy had the twisted up expression on her face that she always got when she was thinking really hard about something.
"What is it already?" Dawn asked with frustration.
"It's nothing," Buffy lied, shaking her head absently.
"What kind of nothing?"
"The Spike kind," the Slayer confessed flopping down into her chair.
"Oh," Dawn murmured quietly, sitting in the seat on the opposite side of Buffy's desk. "That kind. Is he-"
"Still in the basement? Yeah, very much. I- I went to see him last Friday to see if he could help-"
"He did, didn't he. You said he saved Cassie's life, at least, at that point."
"Yeah he did but, when I saw him, the first time, he was so sad Dawn. I have never seen him like that. He was sitting there, staring at the wall. He said that he thought if he was very still and did nothing, it would be quiet and it wouldn't hurt... much."
"Wow, he's really messed up, huh?"
Buffy nodded. "It's eating away at him down there, Dawnie. And then, he asked me to stay, to help him make it quiet."
"And you did, right?" Dawn asked eagerly.
"How could I. It's seems like every time I'm with him whatever pain he has intensifies by like a thousand and I just couldn't. I didn't want to make it worse, anymore. It's hurting me so much to see him hurting like that."
Dawn furrowed her brow. "That's pretty cold Buffy. I mean, you just left him there?"
"Dawn-"
"Buffy, I love you more than anything in this earth but you can be really selfish sometimes," and with that, the key stood and left for the door.
"Dawn! Wait!" Buffy called after her sister.
"What?"
"What should I do?"
Dawn shrugged. "Help him make it quiet."
************************************************************************
It seemed like it took forever for Buffy's free period to come. All twenty minutes that she had to wait seemed like an eternity. But it came, and she was a Slayer on a mission.
She waited until after the bell rang and everyone was out of the hallway to creep to the basement entrance. Buffy opened the door and sneaked in quietly. At that point, she had gone down enough times to figure out how to get to the area where Spike was usually at. And it wasn't hard to find Spike that day, due tot he fact that he was once again talking to himself.
"Do you think I don't know it? You bloody poof, just... no, no, no. It can't be you. You are not me! Just-just-just stop! I can't heart his right now, I'm very busy. You can't tell me what to do!"
"Spike?"
The vampire stopped his ranting and swung around. He cocked his head slightly to the right and stared at her for a moment.
"It's the girl. Did I hurt you still? Am I hurting you? I'm so wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong," he said as he put his head in his hands and gripped his hair. He kept repeating the word till Buffy walked cautiously to him and placed her hands over his own.
"Just stop for a second, okay," she told him quietly.
His grip on his hair loosened and guided by Buffy's dainty fingers he lowered his hands to his sides.
"Has it been long?" He asked.
"Since what?"
"Since I saw you last?"
"No, it's only Monday."
Spike smiled childishly at Buffy who was about to speak again when Spike's attention was abruptly turned from the Slayer to no one.
"Why are you here again? I told you I don't need you. You keep coming around like it's the same as it was. I tried to please you, you know? I tried to make it right but it's never good enough for you!" Pause. "I can't, I can't, I can't. I'm not listening, I'm not! You can't-"
"Spike!"
The vampire turned his attention the Buffy who was standing in front of him looking rather annoyed. When did she get there? He asked himself silently.
"Buffy?"
"Yes, it's Buffy. Okay, I'm the only one here. Focus on me, okay?"
Spike nodded obediently and she took his hand. "Come on."
She sat him down at the spot where she had found him the other day. She pulled over another empty crate so that she could sit across from him.
"Why are you here?" He asked.
"Didn't you want me to be? I guess."
Spike nodded helplessly.
"I guess I figured it would be nice for you to not be alone for a while."
Spike looked sadly at the ground. "I'm never alone, not when everyone's here," he told her pointing to his head.
"Oh Spike, I wish-"
"Did I help her?" Spike asked randomly, interrupting Buffy.
"What, help who?"
"The girl, Cassie. Did I help her?"
"Oh, that. Yeah, you did. She died though. She had a heart condition. But it wasn't your fault, okay. Do you understand that it wasn't your fault?"
Spike looked like he was going to answer and then decided against it when he shook his head.
"Okay."
"Is Dawn okay? She- she hates me you know. She doesn't want... I've spoiled everything."
"She doesn't hate you," Buffy told him sincerely. "She's just, a bit messed up about the whole situation. Don't worry about it so much."
"She said, the girl, the one you lost, she said you would tell me someday."
"About that, Spike, I-"
"Don't say it. You can't ever. I, when I got it, my... soul," he struggled just to say the word, "I wanted to give you, what you deserved and I see it now, what I am, what I was, you don't deserve any of it."
"Yet."
Spike looked at Buffy with a puzzled expression.
"I don't' deserve you, *yet*. And you're right, I can't say it, *yet*. But someday. I know what you feel, and I know what I feel, and I know that all of it is real, but it's just not time."
Spike looked at the ground, and ashamed expression on his face. "I didn't mean to hurt the girl."
Buffy placed her hand softly on his knee. "I know. Now be quiet."
"What?" Spike asked looking up.
"You said you wanted help with the quiet, to make it quiet, and I'm here, to help." Buffy looked at her watch, "and I got a whole thirty-two minutes left to do that in."
Buffy reached forward slowly and gently placed her hand on the sides of his head. Softly she rubbed his temples with her thumbs. A closed his deep blue eyes and a fresh batch of tears fell from them swiftly.
"It hurts so much, Buffy. It just hurts all the time."
"Shhhh," Buffy silenced him and continued to massage the delicate spots on his head. And after months of talking, for a few moments, Spike found quiet.
THE END