Hello, sorry if you kind of got a bit annoyed with me and the whole "ghost Harry" thing. As my summary now says, Pseudomortis = fake death in Latin.
This part is completely humor. There is NOTHING serious in this one. Hope you like this part.
Please read and review!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own anything associated with it.
Pseudomortis
Part 4- Séances, Invisible Ropes, and De-Greasing Charms
By KZerina
***
Over night, since he didn't have to sleep, Harry went to the first floor girls' bathroom and talked to Myrtle, as a last resort. He was very bored listening to Neville's snores and needed something better to do than stare blankly at the ceiling and listen to something that usually lulled him to sleep.
When morning finally came, Harry politely excused himself from Myrtle's company, after much convincing to let him leave, and headed up to Gryffindor Tower. When he arrived, Ron had already woken up, taken his shower, and gotten dressed. He was excited about something.
"Why are you so excited, Ron?" Harry asked.
"Don't we find out who made the team this morning?"
"Yeah, that's what McGonagall said, but with the strange circumstances involving me, I don't know if she has the letters finished or not," Harry explained.
"Oh." Ron seemed disappointed. "Let's go to breakfast now anyway."
"Leaving early is not going to make the owls come any earlier than they always do, Ron," Harry commented.
"I know, but I can hope, can't I?" Ron said, putting his wand in his robe's pocket and rushing out of the boys' dormitory.
Harry rolled his eyes and followed Ron out into the common room. Before the two boys departed, Harry turned himself invisible and traveled with Ron to the Great Hall for breakfast.
When they reached the Great Hall, there were very few students there. There was a small group of about five Hufflepuffs, a group of three Ravenclaws, and two Slytherin first years. Professors McGonagall, Snape, Sprout, and Flitwick, the heads of house, were sitting at the High Table. Professor McGonagall was writing furiously on a stack of many parchments in front of her. Snape was glaring at Ron. Professor Sprout was quietly eating her breakfast, and Professor Flitwick was sitting on a tall stack of books, munching away at his breakfast.
Ron sat down on the side of the Gryffindor table that was facing away from Snape so he wouldn't have to look into Snape's glaring eyes. Ron picked up some eggs and bacon from the platters in front of him. Harry reached down the table and grabbed two slices of toast and put them on Ron's plate.
Snape looked at the floating toast and eyed it suspiciously. He stood up and walked briskly over and stood directly behind Ron. "What do you think you are doing Mr. Weasley?" Snape inquired. "Magic without a wand is extremely unpredictable unless you know what you are doing, which I highly doubt you do."
Ron frowned and didn't answer. He merely stared fearfully at the wall across the table, but before Snape could say another word, there was a loud explosion near the Slytherin table. The two first years screamed and hid under the table. The explosion and the screams attracted Snape's attention, and he rushed over to aid his favorite house's students.
Ron breathed a sigh of relief as Snape hurried away. About ten minutes later, two certain Weasley twins walked in and sat down across from Ron.
"So what did you think?" Fred asked. "Did you like the show?"
"What show?" Ron asked back. "I didn't see any show."
"Yeah, he was too busy worrying about Snape," Harry commented.
"Oh, hello, Harry. Didn't see you there," George said, jokingly.
"It works," Harry said with an equally joking tone. "They can't see me."
"Well of course we can't see you. You're invisible."
"That's the point. You're not supposed to see me."
Before either of the twins could answer, the roar that signaled the entrance of most of the school's students echoed through the halls and into the Great Hall. Large groups of students from every house flooded into the room and sat down at their respective tables. Most of the teachers, including the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, also came in and sat, although much more dignifiedly than the teenagers.
Hermione came in and sat next to Ron, right where Harry was sitting, and Harry quickly shot up and sat on the other side of Ron. Ron bit his lower lip and watched the now occupied space next to him nervously.
"Thanks, Hermione. I appreciate being sat in," Harry said sarcastically.
Ron let out a large sigh when he heard Harry from the opposite side of him. Hermione jumped, drew in a large breath of air, and grabbed Ron's sleeve. Ron looked down at her and put his hand on her shoulder.
"It's alright, Hermione," Harry reassured. "I moved as soon as you sat down."
Hermione let the air out heavily. "Don't do that, Harry. I nearly had a heart attack."
"Do what? You're the one who sat there." Harry looked down and saw Ron stiff as a frozen slab of plywood. "Oh, yeah, I forgot too much of my 'disembodied voice' freaks you out beyond belief. Sorry, I'll shut up now."
Ron relaxed, but his arm where Hermione still clung to his sleeve remained tense, almost as if she knew Harry's gaze had fallen upon her grip, Hermione removed her hand from its position on Ron's arm and blushed a light shade of pink. Harry bit his lip and chuckled to himself.
Soon, a rush of flapping wings entered the Hall. Letters dropped at every house table, but a majority of the letters released at the Gryffindor table. McGonagall had gotten the letters out on time, and now Harry's question of Ron's reaction to his Quidditch team letter.
A barn owl swooped over Ron's place and dropped a folded piece of parchment paper in front of his plate. Ron opened it so quickly that he almost ripped it in two. He skimmed over the formalities and read the sentence that told him whether he had made the team or not. Harry, Hermione, and the twins watched Ron apprehensively to see his reaction, but he simply folded the parchment and slipped it into his pocket in his school robes.
The four Gryffindors were relieved that was all he did, but it worried Harry about what he might do later. Harry dismissed the thought until later, and sat quietly through breakfast so he wouldn't scare Ron too badly.
After breakfast, Ron and Hermione headed back up to the dormitories to grab their books for class, Divination or, in Hermione's case, Arithmancy; Harry went with them even though he didn't need Unfogging the Future.
The trio headed to the tallest tower of Hogwarts. Ron climbed up, while Harry flew, invisible, and Hermione, climbed down to Arithmancy.
When Harry and Ron reached the Divination classroom, the familiar strong scented perfume and incense filled their nostrils, and the air was heavy from the constantly burning fire and enormous amount of heat that was trapped within the small room.
Ron flopped down in his usual seat, and the other students left a seat empty next to him for Harry, if he came. Harry went over to the empty chair and floated above it. Quickly, before he heard Trelawney's mystified voice, Harry grabbed one of Ron's quills and jotted "Séance?" on a corner of parchment. Ron looked around to see if anyone was watching, then read the note and nodded, understanding what Harry meant.
Receiving an affirmative, Harry wrote, in the same corner, "Be right back." Ron looked confused, but gave a small shrug and cocked his head slightly for a 'whatever' response.
With that, Harry went into the hall outside the Divination tower. Soon he heard the familiar maniacal laughter he was seeking. Harry smirked and followed his ears to where the psychotic poltergeist was creating mischief.
Harry floated up to Peeves. "What are you doing?" Harry asked looking at the glue bottle Peeves was holding and the door he was floating near.
"I'm putting glue in Filch's lock, what's it look like, Runt?"
Harry raised his eyebrows and shrugged off the name. He was used to it from Dudley. "Oh, well, do you remember the Marauders?"
"Yeah, although those two Weasley boys come pretty close, they were best kids I ever knew. They always caused such a ruckus and laughed at me when I pulled pranks."
"Okay, what if I told you I was the son of Prongs?"
"You, Potty, are the son of one of the Marauders? Okay, you've got my attention."
"You know Professor Trelawney, right?" Peeves nodded and continued to put glue into the lock of Filch's office. "Well, Ron's trying to get her to hold a séance for me, and I thought maybe you'd like to join me in creating a little bit of…humor for the Divination class."
Peeves grinned broadly and nodded furiously. He put a few final touches on the lock and followed Harry to the Divination room, hearing Filch's hoarse yelling echoing down the corridor after them. Both Peeves and Harry laughed.
As they approached the Divination tower, Harry explained his plan to the poltergeist. "We have to be quiet and invisible or they'll know what we're doing. Just cause mischief and don't make noise, and there's one condition, don't do anything to Ron, okay?"
Peeves nodded and followed Harry up into the room, which had been discombobulated so there was a large circle of poufs in the center. Ron, Neville, Seamus, and Dean were sitting on the opposite side of the circle from Trelawney, while Parvati and Lavender sat on either side of the cuckoo professor.
"We must all be very quiet and still, or the spirit will not wish to be here with us," Professor Trelawney said in her highly mystified voice. The Gryffindor boys stifled laughs that came out as strange sneeze-like noises. Professor Trelawney glared at them, and they pursed their lips and bit them from the inside to keep themselves from laughing or even smiling.
Professor Trelawney lit the incense on a tray in the center of the circle, and its fragrant fumes rose softly into the air and permeated throughout the room, making the boys cough a little. The professor began making strange humming noises and invited the Gryffindors to join her. Parvati and Lavender immediately hummed along; everyone else hesitated while trying not to laugh.
"Harry Potter, come to us! Please visit before your spirit passes on! Come! Come!"
Harry bit his lip to keep from laughing. He flew over and pulled Trelawney's shawl over her head. Ron started to smile, but caught himself before the teacher could remove her head from beneath the woolen wrap and see him.
"It is working. The wind is indicating that the spirit will arrive any moment now!" Trelawney exclaimed. "Come, Mister Potter, come!"
Harry signaled Peeves to do a small trick silently. Peeves grinned viciously and zipped back and forth in front of the girls in the room. The breeze of his movement flipped up the robes and skirts of the girls. Harry and the boys looked away.
When Peeves returned to floating by Harry, Harry pointed at Trelawney. Harry and Peeves flew over to the chair in which Trelawney had been sitting. They each took a side of the chair and grabbed two legs. They lifted the chair and flew it across the room and dumped Trelawney onto an unused pouf.
Then, Peeves lost it. He flew to the back of the room and grabbed a couple of teapots. He threw them across the room where they shattered with a ceramic crash. The room filled with girls' shrieks and boys' screams. Harry hovered in front of Ron. A teacup came flying in his direction. Harry allowed the teacup to shatter against his chest instead of Ron's head.
"Thanks, Harry," Ron said relieved.
"No problem, and the tables are over there," Harry replied pointing at the tables with his thumb. Ron nodded and led the boys to one of the out-of-place desks where they hid.
"A very destructive spirit, isn't it?" Professor Trelawney asked, mortified. Peeves became visible and laughed as he threw a blue teacup down at the Divination professor. "PEEVES!" she yelled, "OUT!!!"
Peeves flew out, and Harry followed. "Peeves, you have to stay silent for it to work properly," scolded Harry.
"Oops."
"It worked and showed she was a fraud, but it won't always work out that way. Now, I have another idea. I've got an invisibility cloak. If you can find a rope, it will work."
"Actually, I know where there is an invisible rope. I'll get that."
"Great, meet me outside the dungeons."
Peeves nodded and flew off hastily. Harry floated down through many floors until he reached the dungeons where he met up with Peeves who had the invisible rope.
"Now," Harry said, "we'll stretch it across the hall and trip only Slytherins or ex-Slytherins, and don't laugh this time. You'll ruin the whole thing. Remember, Slytherins only." Peeves nodded and handed Harry one end of the rope. Harry flew across the corridor and laid the rope on the ground.
A few seventh year Slytherin boys walked down the hall out of Potions. Harry and Peeves raised the rope, and all of them fell. They picked themselves up, looked around suspiciously, and reluctantly dismissed their simultaneous fall, continuing onto their next class.
Professor McGonagall walked down the hall towards the Potions classroom. She stepped right over the rope, as did the Chasers of Gryffindor coming from Potions. Then, they tripped another group of Slytherin seventh years, girls this time.
Then, Professor McGonagall came back down the hall with Professor Snape a pace or two behind her. Harry and Peeves let Professor McGonagall step over the invisible rope, but they pulled it tight and Snape tripped and fell flat on his face.
"Oh, dear, Severus. Are you alright?" McGonagall asked with a worried tone in her voice.
"I'm fine," Snape replied shortly and coldly. Snape picked himself up and dusted off his billowing black cloak. He motioned for Professor McGonagall to continue walking.
Harry and Peeves picked up the rope and, again, let Professor McGonagall walk over the rope and tripped Snape.
"Oh, Severus, you do seem to be a bit clumsy today, don't you?" Professor McGonagall said attempting to hide the amusement in her voice caused by the ludicrous sight of Professor Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House, sprawled face down on the dungeon floor for the second time in less than a minute.
Both Harry and Peeves had their hands clapped tightly over their mouths in an attempt to keep themselves from bursting with laughter. Professor McGonagall helped Snape up, and the two instructors continued to the main castle.
Hermione and Ron came down the corridor chatting quietly. Harry watched as they crossed the rope, but behind his two best friends was the group he disliked the most, Draco Malfoy and his goon squad, Crabbe and Goyle.
He immediately pulled the rope taut, and Malfoy fell down, landing just behind Hermione's feet, causing her to drop her books on the cold dungeon floor. Crabbe fell at Ron's feet, and Goyle fell on top of Malfoy who yelled his head off to keep his heavy "security guard" from crushing his scrawny body.
Hermione crouched down and began picking up her spilled books. Harry floated over in front of Hermione and helped her pick them up. Hermione looked up with a slight glare to tell him he shouldn't be doing that because he might give himself away, but Harry ignored her glare and continued picking up the books.
"Oh, sorry, Hermione. I should have helped you pick those up," Ron apologized.
"It's alright," she replied, smiling.
"See ya, Dorko," Ron prodded. Malfoy fumed.
"And, you know, if you would watch where you're going, you might not trip over your own feet so much," Hermione smirked, making Malfoy fume more humorously. Hermione and Ron chuckled as they passed the twins and Lee walking out of Potions.
Ron eyed his brothers suspiciously as they passed with broad grins on their faces. Harry knew they had done something and was tempted to trip them as well, but decided against it when he spotted Snape returning to his class.
Harry returned to his place and pulled the rope tight. Snape's foot caught the rope and the Potions Master fell on his face again. Harry stifled a laugh, and he and Peeves moved the rope down the hall and waited for Snape to stand and continue walking down the dimly lit passage.
Snape dusted off his robes and looked around for what he tripped over before proceeding down the corridor once again. Snape rounded a corner and stumbled over the invisible rope for the fourth time. Snape was infuriated. He bolted up and took points off the first group of people he saw laughing at him.
"Ten points off each of you for laughing at me!" Snape bellowed at them. Only then did he realize it was a group of seven Slytherin fifth years, and he had just taken seventy points off his own house. He growled at himself and stormed into the dungeon classroom, the fifth years walking silently behind him.
Peeves hovered over to Harry and, now being able to talk, taunted him. "Looks like someone has a cru-ush!" the poltergeist teased.
"What are you talking about, Peeves?" Harry asked confused.
"That girl you picked the books up for. You've got a crush on her. Too bad you're dead. She's a looker."
"Is there a problem with helping my best friend whom I have been best friends with since first year?"
"Oh, well, if you're going to be that way about it." Peeves stuck his tongue out at Harry. "Come get me if you decide to do more tricks. The subtle stuff is fun. I'm just sorry I don't have the patience to conduct any of those." Harry nodded, and Peeves cackled out of the dungeons with the rope.
Harry rolled his eyes and glided into the Potions room. He floated in the aisle to the left of Ron and Hermione's table. Snape was bellowing orders and pacing up and down the aisle, walking through Harry who cringed every time the greasy haired teacher passed through.
When Snape finished his ordering, Harry asked Hermione to make a copy of the list of ingredients and instructions which she did quickly and set it on the end of the table. While Snape wasn't looking, Harry took the paper over across the aisle to Neville. Neville looked at the parchment nervously before Harry reassured him.
"It's okay," Harry whispered. "It's only me. Just do as I say, and you'll do fine." Neville nodded slightly and looked at the paper with neatly written words. "Slice the Deadly Nightshade leaves very finely and simmer them in the boiling water. Just as it says." Neville complied. "Next put in five porcupine quills." Neville counted them, and Harry double-checked. Neville carefully put them in the cauldron. "Wait ten minutes."
Neville bounced his foot rapidly, his shoelaces clicking against his tennis shoe's outer coverings. Harry warned Neville that Snape might take points off for the "distracting noise." Neville promptly stopped tapping his foot.
Snape stopped and glared at Neville. His eye had turned an ugly purple and was almost swollen shut. Harry bit his lip to keep from laughing.
Snape gently patted the edge of his black eye and cringed. He bellowed for every student to stop making his or her potion and get out of his classroom. He glided ominously out of the room, his destination unknown. Harry guessed it was the Hospital Wing or his bedroom, maybe Dumbledore's office.
Ron and Hermione packed up their books and walked out of the classroom. Harry was barely able to keep up with Ron as he rushed out to the main castle.
On their way back to Gryffindor Tower, Professor Dumbledore's cheery voice echoed throughout the halls of Hogwarts. Please listen, everyone. I have an announcement to make that many of you will like very much. All Potions classes for the rest of the day are cancelled. Thank you.
Cheers came from all sides that probably drowned out any Slytherins who happened to be making any sort of noise. Harry and the other Gryffindors chuckled at this, all except for Ron who, of course, was complaining.
"Why did we have to go? That's not fair!"
"It was for only half the class, Ron," Dean argued. "That's got to count for something."
"Yeah, but we still had to go," Ron replied stubbornly.
"Whatever."
Within a few minutes they reached the Tower and dropped their books onto a low table in the common room. Harry made himself visible and floated between two chairs. Hermione dropped her books in her dormitory and came back with a rather large book that she became engrossed in fairly quickly.
"Oh, Harry, you should have seen Trelawney while you were out of the Divination classroom," Ron laughed. He faked a high-pitched, squeaky voice that was supposed to resemble Trelawney's. "'I have been predicting his death for over two years now and it finally happened.' It was so funny!"
Harry chuckled and rolled his eyes. "I think Uncle Vernon should have used her to nail the mailbox shut when I was getting my letters." Dean and Seamus snorted laughs.
"What?" Ron asked, obviously not understanding Harry's analogy.
"She's a fruitcake," Harry explained as Dean and Seamus burst with laughter. "Christmas fruitcakes are often stereotyped to be hard and disgusting. Sometimes, they are said to be so hard that one could hammer a nail with it."
"Harry, you're starting to sound like Hermione."
"What about me?" Hermione asked looking up from the thick book she held in her hands.
"He's talking about 'Christmas fruitcakes' and getting all technical on us," Ron replied with a slightly scared tone in his voice.
Hermione looked at Harry with an inquisitive look. Harry began to repeat his story when Ron quickly yelled at him to stop. Harry grinned at Ron's hurriedness to shut him up. Hermione raised an eyebrow but returned to her silent occupation.
"So what was up with Snape's eye?" Seamus asked curiously.
"He came in cursing under his breath about 'damn stones,'" Ron replied.
"Actually," Harry began with a chuckle, "he didn't trip over the stones in the floor. He was tripped by an invisible rope that was stretched across the hallway."
"A rope?" Dean exclaimed. "Tripping over a rope couldn't have made his eye that swollen. Neither could rocks for that matter."
"Maybe once wouldn't, but four would," Harry beamed.
"Four. Four times? That explains why his eye was so fat and purple," Seamus sniggered.
"You guys really shouldn't be laughing. It really isn't funny," Hermione scolded trying to hide her amusement and failing miserably.
"Oh, come on, Hermione. You know it's hilarious," Ron jibed to the bushy haired bookworm. "Just giggle, just a little." The rest of the boys, including Harry, joined Ron in trying to get Hermione to laugh.
Hermione made a variety of interesting faces while trying not to laugh, but all she was doing was delaying the inevitable and eventually gave in to the boys' coaxing and burst out laughing, realizing just how funny it was.
In all their joking and goofing around, the fifth years almost lost track of time and had to rush to Herbology with Hufflepuff where Professor Sprout has scheduled them to green house three where she was cultivating Venus's Flytraps for Professor Snape's Potions classes when they were mature enough to be used for a potion.
When feeding his carnivorous plant, Ron left his finger in the mouth too long after a mosquito had been put into its mouth, and the plant closed on his finger, where the short bristles scraped his finger slightly.
"Oh, would you like me to kiss it and make it better?" Hermione said with a strange joking tone and babyish voice.
Justin Finch-Fletchley and Ernie Macmillan, fifth year Hufflepuffs, looked at the two strangely, but continued to care for their Venus's Flytraps as Professor Sprout had instructed her class.
Soon the bell rang, and everyone rushed to their Towers to drop off books and flooded to the Great Hall for lunch. Ron's stomach had been growling through most of Herbology, and he had been complaining about it until his Venus's Flytrap bit his finger.
Ron sat down, Hermione next to him, and promptly filled his plate with generous helpings of the food down the center of the Gryffindor House table.
Harry watched Ron and was about to whisper "pig" in his ear when a slam echoed through the Great Hall followed by loud footsteps and growls. Harry sighted a seething Snape storming down the aisle between the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables, but there was something abnormal about him, more abnormal than usual, that is. It was his hair. It no longer had its usual greasy shine that it always had before. It was (God forbid) clean, and not only was it clean, but it was also dark brown.
Wait a minute, brown? No. Harry thought he was seeing things. Snape's hair wasn't brown; it was black! Harry rubbed his eyes and looked again. The normally greasy Potions Professor's hair was definitely brown in color.
Snape took his place at the High Table and glared out at all the students, especially Gryffindor, as always. Harry went down and joined his friends in laughter. The twins crept down to where the trio was sitting.
"We put a two hour delayed degreasing charm on Snape's chair," George began to explain.
"So the first time he sat down two hours after we set it, it would give him a shower, so to speak," Fred finished.
All the Gryffindors around laughed hard until their sides had gained too many unbearable stitches.
"Snape's really having problems today," Ron commented. "He tripped four times over an invisible rope, gaining a huge black eye, and now, how horrid, he's clean."
The Great Hall continued to reverberate with fits of laughter from all tables until it became time to return to classes.
******
Next part will still have a lot of funny stuff, but there is actually sort of serious stuff in Part 5.
Thank you for reading this! I would appreciate it if you would review also.
Thank you to my reviewers! I'm so happy!
Alex: First, I'm female, just to point that out. I did say something about "Pseudomortis = fake-death" didn't I? You might be on to something…think about it.
Angel: Technically, yes he should wonder about it, but in part 3, he's busy getting used to his body and in this part he's having too much fun to care. That and in part five I think I'm going to have him find out. They are happy because they can still see him and talk to him even though he's dead.
Gaidor: YES Harry will scare Malfoy out of his stupid little ferret mind (tee hee). Harry has fun haunting Malfoy. Part five I think…probably. No he is not going to spy on Voldemort, but Voldemort will be in it in a few chapters.
Pedro: Thank you for being so confident in me. Great self-esteem booster, but I don't think I'm that good. And FYI my brain does have an original brewing within, so if I ever stop thinking and get my butt moving so it will be down on paper, I'll get it up here.
Thanks again,
KZerina