Hello, everybody. Sorry, it took so long to get this up. School got in the way, and I had to write the majority of the part this after I got out.
I probably stuck too much in this than I should have and not really much "explanation," but that's how it is. Anyway, here goes.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own anything associated with it.
Pseudomortis
Part 5 - Explanations
By KZerina
***
After classes Monday afternoon, Hermione went to the library, and Harry and Ron went back to the common room and talked with the other fifth years. Parvati and Lavender's girlish gossip squeaks began to annoy Harry after a while, so he decided it would be safe to scare Draco half to death in the Slytherin common room. He informed Ron of his choice, and Ron laughed and offered "happy haunting" as Harry traveled to the dungeons where he entered the Slytherin common room.
Harry looked around and spied Crabbe and Goyle and some of the fifth years in front of the fireplace with the elaborate border, but Malfoy was no where to be seen. Harry was surprised to see his main Slytherin rival not with his personal bodyguards, even though it was Slytherin House and only Slytherins were supposed to be there.
Harry looked around again and, not seeing his target, decided to search the dormitories. He assumed the dormitories were set up the same as Gryffindor—boys on the left, girls on the right—and luckily, he assumed correctly. As he floated through each years' dormitory, Harry saw the first years from breakfast having a pillow fight with the other boys, a snoring third year, and a fourth year, who was scrawnier than Harry while at the Dursley's, vainly flexing non-existent muscles in front of a mirror. Harry choked down a laugh before moving on to the fifth year section.
When Harry entered the fifth year dorm, he saw Draco sitting at a desk on the far side of the room, brushing an eagle feather quill against his cheek in thought. Suddenly, Draco dipped the quill into a bottle of silver ink that looked almost like a unicorn's blood though Harry knew better that no store sold such ink.
Draco wrote quickly in small, neat, cursive script. Harry read what had been written: "Father, I believe I have killed Harry Potter. Although it was not the original intent, it became the outcome of my trick."
Malfoy's letter stopped there, and the boy with platinum blonde hair plastered to his head was mumbling to himself, "No, I shouldn't tell Father. He may be forced to tell the Dark Lord, and he may be killed, or worse, the Dark Lord may come after me because he wanted Potter for himself." Malfoy picked up the parchment from the desk and held it over a candle where it began smoldering in his hand. "I don't wish to be killed because I accidentally killed Potter." Malfoy left the letter to burn to ashes on the desk and swept the remnants onto the floor for the house-elves to clean up in the morning.
Harry followed Draco to the common room and left the Slytherin House. He was going up to Gryffindor Tower when he opted to stop in the library assuming Hermione was still there, researching the paper that had not been assigned.
When he arrived, Harry not only found Hermione there, but Ron also, with his arm on the back of Hermione's chair and his head about two centimeters from hers although they seemed to be analyzing the oversized book in front of them.
"Is this a private party, or can a friendly ghost join?" Harry asked jokingly, but cringed when Ron and Hermione's heads clunked together. "Sorry," Harry said as he became visible, sitting on the end of the table by Hermione.
"That's all right," replied Hermione, rubbing her forehead. "I've been researching you," she added as though this were a normal topic.
"You've been researching me? Why?"
"Well not exactly you, but you're condition." Harry raised and eyebrow at research of ghosthood, but allowed her to continue. "Harry, I don't think you're a ghost," Hermione finished simply.
Harry was about to reply but closed his mouth and thought about her last sentence. Not a ghost? Harry looked at Hermione, his expression eliciting an explanation.
"Well, for one, you're not cold, like Nick." Hermione waved one hand through Harry's shoulders.
"I'm glad I'm not a girl," Harry said with a chuckle.
"Fine, then, if you're going to be that way about it," Hermione replied sarcastically and, with a smile, waved her hand through Harry's abdomen instead.
"Don't go any lower, Hermione," Ron smirked. "That would be very rude, and I don't think he'd appreciate it all that much."
Harry looked over at Hermione. There was an unusually glint sparking in the depths of her cinnamon eyes. Harry immediately caught what she was going to do and stared sternly back at her.
"No, you are not even going to do that!" Harry whispered stubbornly, moving away to the far side of the table from Hermione. "I may be dead, but I'm still a guy and that is not something girls are supposed to do without permission, which is not something you have, Miss Granger!"
Harry looked over at Ron who looked like he was going to bust open on the floor at any moment just because he was laughing so hard. "Ron, that's not funny!" Harry glanced down at Hermione's book lying open on the table. It seemed strange that he had seen it through his knee, but nonetheless, Harry picked up the book and dropped it on Ron's foot from two meters (just over eight feet) in the air.
Ron screamed in pain as the five centimeter (two inch) thick leather-bound book landed on his foot. Ron began hopping up and down on one foot before falling down in his chair and nursing his injured foot after Madam Pince's grating hush was heard over Ron's groaning.
"Oh, Ron, stop being such a baby. And you get down here so I can finish explaining!" Hermione ordered pointing a finger up at Harry.
"Are you going to keep poking me?" Harry asked suspiciously.
"No, I won't poke you. Now get down here."
Harry looked at Hermione for a brief moment before floating slowly down to the table again. He glanced at Hermione and saw that the glimmer was gone, and she was waiting for Ron to stop complaining and continued.
"Now where was I? Oh, right, you're not cold, and you're gaining different hues."
Harry pulled his shirt away from his translucent body and saw it had a reddish tint. "Hey, I'm Technicolor!"
"You're what?" Ron asked, confused while Hermione chuckled softly in the background.
"Technicolor. It's a Muggle thing. You wouldn't understand," Harry explained before turning to Hermione. "Okay, so it sounds like you're describing a poltergeist, and I have been playing jokes with a poltergeist."
"That's just the Marauder blood in you."
"Blood? What blood? I don't have any blood."
"Fine. It's in your genes," Hermione replied with a sly grin spread across her face and her fingers waving slightly towards his knees.
Harry looked down at his jeans and stuck his tongue out at Hermione for such a terrible pun. Hermione smirked and raised her eyebrows.
"We're having a bad influence on her," Ron said looking up at Harry.
"Well, we'll have been best friends four years on Sunday." Ron nodded and smiled.
"Can we get back to the original subject?" Hermione asked with an annoyed tone planted within her voice, gaining both boys' attention. "Thank you. No, you're not a poltergeist either."
"If I'm not a ghost, and I'm not a poltergeist, then what am I?"
"I know! A vampire!"
Harry bared his teeth and hissed as he made for a vampire's bite on Hermione's neck. Hermione waved her hand through Harry's head, and Harry scrunched up his nose and snorted at her.
"Or maybe he's a zombie!" Ron continued.
Now, Harry put his arms stiffly in front of him, letting his hands hang limp. He walked through the table staring straight ahead with a glassy look to his eyes. Ron was quick to tell him how 'freaky' it looked.
"It's obvious a sense of humor is genetic in both of you."
Harry chuckled, and Ron asked about the word 'genetic,' which was answered with the usual 'he wouldn't understand' and an added 'stop asking about Muggle things.'
"Well if I don't understand what a Muggle thing is, I'm going to ask!"
"Why?" Hermione questioned arching an eyebrow skeptically. "You don't ask about wizarding things you don't understand."
Ron shot a sharp glare to his right at his beaming friend to whom his expression softened when he turned to face her. He snorted and leaned his cheek on his fist and propped his elbow on the table.
"Okay, getting back to the subject, what am I?"
"I found some things, potions and spells, that could fit your condition, but most of them had side effects that couldn't be predicted as they affect all people differently."
"That would mean I'm not dead," Harry concluded. "And if it was one of those, then there would be teachers that know. Probably Dumbledore and McGonagall. She didn't seem too unnerved by my ghostly presence."
"Snape doesn't know, or he wouldn't have accused me of using wandless magic on the floating toast."
Hermione glared at Harry. "What? It's not like I wouldn't have gotten him out of it if something hadn't exploded by the Slytherins. Too bad Malfoy wasn't there. I gladly would have thrown him across the room, and speaking of Malfoy," said Harry, reminding himself of the letter he'd seen Malfoy burn, "he's the one who pushed us into the lake."
"Shouldn't we tell someone?" Hermione inquired.
"Nah, besides, I have a couple of tricks up my ghostly sleeve," Harry smirked with a mischievous glimmer shining in his bright green eyes.
******
After Ron and Hermione went to dinner, Harry floated through the corridors, listening for the demented hysterics that Peeves, the Hogwarts School poltergeist, caused in every path he traveled. Then, there it was, a cackling suit of armor shaking rusty appendages to and fro and singing absurd and inappropriate songs. Harry had found Peeves. He had another practical joke in mind and needed the help of the petulant poltergeist.
"Hey, Peeves," Harry said. "I need your help with something, a practical joke."
"Hee, hee! Yes! Of course! What is it?" Peeves asked deviously.
"Are there any ghosts that might be willing to help us?"
"Uh…yeah, there's this one who every once in a while will, especially for a good cause."
"Great, go get him. I'll wait here."
Peeves nodded and flew off in search of the troublemaking ghost. About five minutes later, Peeves returned with a ghost who had long hair and a dress, not at all what Harry had expected. He was expecting a gruff old man, not a slender young woman.
"Harry, this is Julie. She's my occasional practical joking partner. I do believe she'll be willing to help."
"Pleasure to meet you, and thanks," Harry said, shaking Julie's hand. "I have a job for each of you. Peeves, you're sound effects. Julie, you get to make 'Subject A' cold, as neither of us can.
"Subject A is a Muggle-born-hating Slytherin. He has platinum blonde hair that is always plastered down to his head. His name is Draco Malfoy, and from here on out, he should be called Subject A so that anyone hearing our conversation won't know what we are talking about."
Both transparent spooks nodded, and Harry continued. "Now Julie, would you find a place to set up? Preferably, a pair of perpendicular halls, like a 'T'; Peeves, you see if you can get one of Snape's cloaks—I'm assuming they are all black—and a pair of pickled ape's hands." Julie had a confused look on her face. "Just trust me. I'll talk to Ron; we're going to need his help, too."
Julie shrugged, and Peeves flew in hyperactive circles of excitement before zipping off to the dungeons to find Snape's wardrobe and potions ingredient stash. Julie rolled her eyes and shook her head before following more slowly in search of the set up area.
Harry headed to the Great Hall where he found Ron and Hermione sitting with the Weasley twins and laughing at them. Snape came storming in, mumbling about a missing cloak and staring pointedly at Fred and George who looked back with genuine innocence to which Snape left them alone, cursing something else that Harry hadn't heard.
"I wonder what that was all about," Harry said mischievously to Ron and Hermione.
"What did you do?" Hermione accused.
"I didn't do anything. Yes, it was my idea, but I didn't actually do anything," Harry defended.
"Ya know, I think we're starting to rub off on him," George said.
"Nah, it's in my genes," Harry replied.
Ron looked nervously towards Harry's voice and bit his lower lip. His eyes moved up and down and he looked away at his brothers. It took a moment for Harry to realize what Ron was doing.
"NOT THOSE JEANS!!" both Harry and Hermione cried at the same time.
Hermione was hiding her face with her hands although her blush showed on her visible ears. Harry was more than happy to have been invisible right then or he would have been seen blushing that hard as well.
"It's a Muggle science, Ron," Hermione explained her face still hidden in her hands. "That was a pun in the library."
Ron blinked at her and continued stuffing his face with food.
"So what's your scheme?" Hermione asked quickly, trying to change the subject.
"That's why I'm here, and you'll find out soon enough. Ron, I need your help to perform this."
Ron nodded. "Sure, what have I got to do?"
"Get Malfoy to chase you to the designated area that I don't know where it is yet, but as soon as I find out, I'll tell you."
"Piece of cake."
"Good, see you in a bit."
With that, Harry flew out of the Great Hall and met up with Julie who gave him the prank site, which happened to be perfect for what he had planned for his Slytherin rival. Harry went back and informed Ron of the trick's location in the dungeon halls.
Leaning on a handrail, Ron waited outside the hall leading to the dungeons. Harry left him there alone to fend against Malfoy and lead him down the dungeon passages to the prank site.
Harry held the ape's hands in his, and Peeves draped Snape's cloak over Harry's head and all three specters turned invisible and waited around the corner from where Ron would be coming, and soon enough, there were frantic footsteps and angry yelling echoing through the halls as Ron and Draco approached.
As soon as Ron rounded the corner, Harry floated out in front of Draco. Julie floated into Draco, and Peeves began making Dementor breath noises. Draco stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes wide and mouth contorted in sheer terror. His lips quivered and his knees were shaking and bumping into one another. He let out a shriek of terror like that of a banshee and fled down the hall in the direction from which he'd come.
When Draco was out of earshot, the three phantoms burst out laughing. Harry looked towards Ron who was crouched on the floor and pressing himself against the stone wall with wide eyes and a huge frown.
Harry brushed the hood back with the ape's hands, and Ron began slowly inching backwards away from the menacing cloaked figure, clutching his head with his hands.
"Here, Ron, hold these," Harry said, pushing the pickled hands into Ron who cautiously took them.
Harry became visible and dropped Snape's billowy cloak to the floor. Ron relaxed and stood up, still holding the hands. Then he realized what he was doing and dropped them to the ground with a noise of disgust.
Peeves, laughing hysterically, had already gathered up the cloak then he picked up the ape's hands and took them back where he found them.
Chuckling, Julie floated over to the boys and said, "Anytime you need the help of a ghost, and you're playing a prank on a Muggle-born-hating Slytherin, count me in." Harry and Ron sent confused looks to her. "I was a Muggle-born Gryffindor."
Harry grinned. "Nothing more need be said. Thanks!"
"My pleasure," Julie grinned. "Happy haunting." With that, she left.
Harry chuckled. "Come on, Ron. The news should be getting out soon; we don't want to miss the reactions."
Ron grinned, and they headed back to Gryffindor Tower.
"Ron, Malfoy seemed furious. What did you do?"
"I…uh…insulted his mum…."
"Good idea. Never insult a guy's mum, especially Malfoy's. Remember what he did last year? He almost hit me with a curse, and then Crouch turned him into a ferret, one of the few things good about that guy." Ron nodded in agreement.
Would Mr. Ronald Weasley please report to Professor McGonagall's office. Thank you.
"I didn't do anything!" said Ron suddenly after the announcement.
"Just go, you might not be in trouble," Harry assured. "Maybe she's talking to you about school or something."
Harry became invisible, and Ron swallowed hard before entering his House head's office. "Yes, Professor?"
"Mr. Malfoy says he saw a Dementor in the dungeons and that you were there as well. Is this true?"
"Well, he was chasing me down the corridor in the dungeons, then I heard him scream, actually more like shriek." This statement earned him a glare from Malfoy that was ignored by both Ron and Professor McGonagall. "I turned around and he was running in the opposite direction. All I saw was Peeves and a couple of ghosts. I knew Peeves was weird, but I didn't think he was scary."
"Thank you, Mr. Weasley. You are dismissed."
As Ron and Harry left, they heard McGonagall reprimanding Malfoy for his inappropriateness and serious lack of judgment, thinking that a joke like that would be funny and then giving him detention. They headed back to the common room, laughing the whole way.
******
The week passed peacefully through Tuesday and Wednesday until Ron's detention on Wednesday night. Harry had been staying with Ron through his detentions, and that night was to be no different.
Harry followed Ron to the first floor bathroom where they met Mr. Filch and his irritating feline, Mrs. Norris. Filch handed Ron a bucket with water and a soapy sponge. Ron went into the bathroom and began washing the sinks. Harry perched himself upon the nearest stall divider and watched Ron for a moment. Then, for some odd reason, Harry looked down into the stall and was surprised at what he saw. The toilet seat was missing.
"Uh, Ron? You'd better come look at this," Harry said with a slightly amused tone.
Ron turned around the barrier and looked at the barren toilet. He looked like he nearly choked on something. He'd figured out as well that his own brothers, Fred and George, had taken the toilet seat and probably had it hidden in their dorm room to send home later.
"Better get Filch."
Ron nodded and burst through the halls to Filch's office. Ron returned with a livid Filch who was practically spouting fire, thankfully not at Ron. He was cursing more than Harry thought any of the faculty would. Harry could hear him muttering about how he was going to strangle those troublemakers next time he could get his hands on them.
He took one look at the empty toilet and wheeled around to point his furious stare at Ron who instinctively backed away.
"Get out of here," he said gruffly. "And tell those brothers of yours to keep their jokes to themselves and give me back that toilet seat!" he finished, all but screaming loud enough so all of Gryffindor Tower on the other side of the castle could hear him.
Ron scuttled out of the bathroom so fast that he nearly fell on his face after slipping in a puddle of water near the door. Harry drifted slowly after his red-haired best friend and finally caught up to Ron who was panting like he'd just run ten kilometers in the past five minutes.
"Geez, Ron, you'd think you were being chased by Fluffy or something," said Harry, puzzled. "Filch wasn't exploding at you; he was exploding at your brothers."
"I know, but he wasn't in your face," Ron replied with a frightened demeanor. "Filch is horrifying when he's hot under the collar!"
"Apparently."
They started down the hall again. Then Ron stopped and spied around the corner. Harry looked over Ron's head and there was Malfoy without his goon squad marking his every move. An idea struck Harry like a tidal wave.
"Ron, wait here," whispered Harry. "I'll be right back."
Harry glided down the corridor towards the blonde Slytherin boy. Harry smirked broadly, although no one could see it, and floated in front of Malfoy.
"So," Harry said in the stately manner that Draco usually used when he talked to Ron. "You were the murderer, hm?"
Obvious fear flooded Draco's stormy gray eyes as he looked around frantically for the source of Harry's disembodied voice. Malfoy's legs were trembling so much that his knees were knocking together. Harry was filled with a strange pride that encouraged him to continue.
"You may have killed me, but I'm not going to tell anyone. No. I resolved to haunt you. Haunt you, scare you witless, whatever you want to call it."
By now, Malfoy had pinned himself against the wall. His knees were shaking more, and his lower lip quivered, his face white as a sheet and showing all his fear at once.
"Just remember. I have my eyes on you," Harry threatened. "Now get back to your common room before I find something to drop on your head, or maybe I should just call Filch. I heard he's in a terrible mood this evening."
Malfoy skittered out of site. Harry laughed inwardly and went back to Ron who was holding his sides choking on laughter. Harry merely rolled his eyes and dragged Ron by the collar of his robes up to the dorms for the night.
******
The heir of Prongs didn't strike again until Saturday evening at dinner.
Draco had been looking around restlessly since Wednesday night, and it seemed that he had finally gotten his guts up enough to come over to the Gryffindor table to insult Ron's and Hermione's financial or blood status, as the case may be. He swaggered along the wall with his personal bodyguards flanking him. He slowly came to a halt in front of Ron and Hermione who both look him up and down before rolling their eyes disgustedly.
"So Weasel, Mudblood, looks like Potty gave an empty threat, if it was him at all," Draco sneered.
Ron and Hermione exchanged glances, knowing very well that Harry was planning on doing something; he just wasn't sure what it was yet. Now Harry decided he would do something. Shoelaces, that was it, but it wasn't enough.
I'll start with shoelaces and then think about the rest, Harry thought.
He floated to the floor and untied Crabbe and Goyle's shoes and tied the laces together, with the other shoe in the pair and each other's shoes. He did the same with Draco's without tying them to Crabbe or Goyle's.
Hermione had seen the laces moving and was hiding her laugh well by holding Ron back since Malfoy has continued insulting them while Harry worked.
Next, Harry thought of something terribly embarrassing to do to Malfoy only. Hermione continued holding her giggling tongue while she watched Harry carry out his practical joke.
He carefully and quietly unbuckled Malfoy's belt clasp, unzipped his pants, and unbuttoned them such that they would still stay closed while he stood still, but when he moved, the pants would fall to his ankles. Cleverly, Hermione responded to one of his passes in such a way that he couldn't respond, so he stomped away, only to find himself flat on the floor with his trousers around his ankles and his bikini style underpants, colored red with gold smiley faces, showing. Crabbe and Goyle made a move to help him up but fell to their faces as well.
The whole Hall began to laugh hilariously, including the Slytherins. It seemed that even Professor Snape was tempted to laugh at his House member. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled in such a way that they were a tell-tale to his profuse inward laughter, and Professor McGonagall's shoulders were shaking and her lips were smiling in attempts not to laugh.
Gaining control of his bouts of laughter, Harry went down and whispered into Malfoy's ear, "A wise person would never mess with a Marauder, and if this person was really wise, he wouldn't mess with a Marauder's son either."
"POTTER!"
The majority of the Hall paused long enough to give Malfoy a confused look, but then began laughing harder than before. There didn't seem to be a dry eye in the whole school except for Harry's victims and Snape. Malfoy was redder than a Weasley's hair and his smiley face underwear combined as he stomped out of the Great Hall with crudely tied shoes and bumbling goons.
"Great one, Harry!" Fred and George shouted over the din of laughter.
"Well, I thought so," Harry responded appearing between Ron and Hermione, startling them both into more fits of laughter.
Eventually, the Hall settled down to a murmur and everyone finished their dinner, and as they left, Malfoy was the topic of all conversations they heard.
******
Mesozoic Flower- So you liked clean Snape, did you? LOL. I'm glad you miss me, but spoilers to the sequel are not a suggestion. And quit telling me you suck because you don't!
Songbird21- I've gotten a whole bunch of things about everyone's reactions. Hopefully I can get better reactions written for the end.
Thanks for reviewing!
So, what did you think? Again this one wasn't too serious, but it did give some information for you. Please review!
Thanks,
KZerina