By The Old Sock
Gordo sat in his classroom and was not paying attention to anything the teacher was saying. He didn't move until the sound of the bell signaled the end of class. At the speed of light Gordo flew from the room and into the cafeteria. Lunch time! It was Friday so the lunch ladies were serving a special meal of hamburgers and he wanted to be first in line to get one of those scrumptious nutriments, and indeed he was. As his fellow classmates lined up behind him they groaned and cursed their own slow paces. Gordo turned and stuck his tongue out at them spitefully.
'I would like a hamburger with heaps of everything on it,' he announced, directing his request at the frail hag behind the counter. The others behind him grumbled about how there wouldn't be enough condiments for the rest of them since Gordo had greedily taken so much for himself. The little old woman muttered to herself in what sounded to be Gaelic as she began to construct Gordo's future sustenance.
Leaning over the counter, Gordo watched her work. She moved very slowly and when she realized he was watching her so closely the hag stopped moving completely and stared at him like she would an intruder.
'Gretni ef bil turf,' she choked out through heavy phlegm.
'Cool it, grannio.' Gordo backed off and waited for when he would finally receive his succulent meal. He tapped on the counter, kicked at the wall, cleaned dirt out from under his finger nails, on and on he grew more and more impatient. 'When will I finally be able to partake of that mouth-watering comestible?' he finally cried.
With a grunt the lunch hag slapped the hamburger upon a plastic plate and dropped it in front of the glorious Gordo. A cry of joyous glee escaped his unashamed, pristine lips. Hamburger in hand, he ran from the counter and sat at one of the cafeteria tables. In precise movements, he placed the plate on the table and took the hamburger in his hands. His mouth parted as he raised the delicious foodstuff. Suddenly he realized something.
'Oh my God!' he screeched. 'I forgot my chippies!'
Gordo set the hamburger back on the plate gently and ran to the lunch line that included the potato chips. Ignoring a general law of schools everywhere, he ran past the queue, grabbed the brand he wanted, tossed his change blindly toward the cashier and ran back to his table. He threw his body back into his seat and the table moved under the impact, crushing it's other occupants' toes under the table legs.
Wasting no time, Gordo popped the bag of chips open and dumped them half onto the plate and half onto the table. With this he had completed the ultimate in excellent dining situations. He wolfed down both the hamburger and chips in record time.
Miranda and Lizzie had been sitting across from him. They watched him in utter disgust and not until Gordo was finished and leaning back in satisfaction did they begin to speak.
'You're an asshole, Gordo,' said Lizzie.
'A real prick,' Miranda added.
As Gordo smiled idiotically bits of lettuce and other indistinguishable food bits could be seen in his teeth. 'It was a good meal,' he sighed blissfully. And that was the end of that.