Gordo the Prophet

by The Old Sock & Wisdom

            In his home, Gordo was in the middle of lip-syncing his favorite song, 'Bed of Roses' by Bon Jovi, when his mother yelled at him that his friend Lizzie was at the door. He waited until the song was over to go downstairs: nothing could tear him away from the awesome guitar stylings of the band. When Lizzie saw him she did not look happy.

            'What the hell were you doing?' Lizzie said, 'I've been waiting forever.'

            'Sorry about that,' said Gordo. 'I was, uh, just finishing up some homework, not listening to any awesome guitar stylings. What are you doing here?'

            'Miranda and I want you to come to the mall with us.'

            Gordo wiped the sweat from his brow.  'I would love to go with you to the mall,' he said.  'Where the hell is Miranda anyhow?  I don't see her here with you!'

            Lizzie's calm composure suddenly collapsed and Gordo saw that she was concealing deep inner-thoughts.  Placing her hands behind her back, she spoke with forced clemency to Gordo, 'she's around.'  The waver in her voice betrayed her.  Gordo knew something was up, so he decided to press the matter.

            'Like around where?' asked Gordo, emphasizing his confusion with out-reaching hands.

            'At the mall or something!' cried Lizzie, 'I don't know!  What's with the third-degree?  Are you some kind of... some kind of prophet or something?  I mean.  Like.  Come on Gordo!  Don't be a badger!'

            Gordo threw his hands up into the air, 'you know, sometimes I think you're a real nut-case Lizzie!'

            Lizzie, at the sound of being accused of insanity, suddenly flew into a wild rage and began to scream wildly at Gordo.  She began to pick up furniture and hurl it across the room.  Gordo tried to calm her but she threw him out the window.  With a crash and a great fall, Gordo went tumbling onto the cold grass outside of his house.  Stunned and in great pain, he heard from within the house his approaching parents, come down from the up-stairs to see what was happening.

            'Oh God no!' cried Gordo as he heard the sounds of his dear mother being murdered in some horrible manner and his father trying to fend off the wild animal that Lizzie had become. Before even his beloved father could be killed, Gordo ran around the house to the backyard and the garden shed. Within it he found a chainsaw, a little rusty but full of gas and ready to go. He started it up and sawed a Gordo-sized hole in the back wall to get inside.

            'Here I come, you crimped-haired, make-up encrusted, platform-shoed, ditzy, teenage, anorexic, little whore!'

            From somewhere in the house, Gordo heard the girl's primal scream in answer to his challenge. As the screaming continued, he began to follow it to the Lizzie-monster, cutting his way through any wall that obstructed his path. Beside the kitchen doorway he found his father's mangled body. Gordo knelt beside the fallen man and closed his still-open eyes.

            'Rest in peace, dearest father. I will avenge your death.' Standing up, Gordo shouted so that the Lizzie-monster could hear his words. 'Prepare to die, you evil creature! The Gordmeister is going to destroy you!'

            Gordo revved his chainsaw with a menacing fury and rushed up the stairs in a violent pace.  He had searched the entire house and now he knew where he could engage his mortal opponent; it was the only place that he had not searched.

            When Gordo got to the upper quarters of the house, he saw a trail of blood leading into his bedroom, which he instinctively followed.  Jumping into the doorway, he saw the Lizzie-monster feasting on an unidentifiable part of one of her victims.  He leapt into action and immediately sought to decapitate her with his weapon.  But Lizzie was quick and she jumped out of the chainsaw's way and began to defend herself with a floor lamp.  The two of them were locked into an endless melee as each of their murderous weapons locked.

During the fray, Gordo glanced down and saw the amazing pair of platform-shoes that his opponent was wearing.  'O hoho,' said Gordo, 'I think that I would like those shoes!  In fact, I think that I shall take them!'  So saying, Gordo swept low with his chainsaw and hacked off the monster's feet, keeping the shoes intact.  Sweeping up the feet and removing the shoes, Gordo donned his new articles of foot-wear.

The dying Lizzie-monster lied back on the ground.  'You have beat me Gordo.  Now listen to my wise words.  You are a prophet of the highest abilities.  Go now to the land of School and visit with those who dwell there.'

'I will do so,' said Gordo.  'You are very wise in death, monster-Lizzie.'

'My time has come,' said Lizzie-monster and she died there in Gordo's bedroom under a poster of the Rat Pack and illuminated by the light of a lava-lamp. From her face fell a mask that Gordo had thought was just a make-up line. Beneath was now revealed the true face of his adversary. It had not been Lizzie at all but Pat Finn, who had broken out of the Shop 'til You Drop studio in an angry, drunken stupor moments earlier. Utterly relieved, Gordo sighed, shaking his head and laughing.

'That Pat, he sure is a wacky guy. Good thing I killed him.'

Gordo decided to order out that evening since his mother was dead. The pizza came late so he hacked off the delivery boy's hands as he held out the cold box with the chainsaw. As the boy stared in horror at the blood spurting from his fresh-cut stumps Gordo chided him, 'Let this be a lesson to you, thou perambulator of evil.  Your obfuscated lies show doubly in thine wounds.' With that Gordo slammed the door shut, but not without first snatching the unpaid-for pizza from the boy. Gordo supped on the meal with gluttonous glee.  As he was feasting at the head of his long-table, a chorus of singing elves joined him and made feast with him within his Hall.  When all of their bellies were filled with ale and pizza, they all sat peacefully at their chairs and commented on their satiated tongues.

So Gordo stood up on the table and announced his departure.  He said unto to them that he must journey to the land of school and learn of his clairvoyant abilities.  The elves, knowing much of the land of school, supplied Gordo with a map and began to bend each other over the table and entertain Gordo with their enormous libidos. Gordo laughed boorishly and slapped each of their hindquarters playfully.

'This is all good fun, my friends,' Gordo said, 'but I must be on my way!'

They waved him goodbye and, while he was gone, raided the fridge and stole the electronics.

Gordo went to school and immensely enjoyed the learning process and was completely engrossed in all of his classes.  When it came time for lunch, Gordo sat at his usual table where both his friends Miranda Sanchez and Lizzie McGuire were sitting and eating their lunches.

From his Dukes of Hazard lunch-pale he procured a scrumptious looking sandwich and some chocolate milk.

'That's all good,' said Miranda chidingly, 'but what are you going to do about your daily dosage of fruits and vegetables?  And for that matter, poultry!'  She had heard it countless times before.  Gordo's preaching of the food pyramid plagued each of their lunch periods and now, lo and behold, she saw that he himself had strayed from his own lecturing.

'Well, that's the weird thing!' said Gordo.  'I had this weird dream yesterday in which I saw that I had no need for these things, because they would all come into my possession today.'

'What are you talking about, Gordo!' said Lizzie.  'It's not like—like you're a prophet or anything.'

'Who knows,' said Gordo, 'but I have a pretty good feeling about this.'

'Oh yeah?' said Miranda, 'want to make a bet on it?'

Gordo pondered the idea slowly.  'I'll try my luck,' he said.  'What do I have to do if I'm wrong?'

'Well,' said Lizzie, 'if you lose, you'll have to do all of our laundry for all of the next month!'

'Sounds good,' said Gordo, 'I'd like to see your panties.'

Miranda and Lizzie both slapped Gordo lovingly.  'Oh Gordo,' they both said in unison.  'Gordo, Gordo, Gordo.'

'But,' said Gordo, 'if I win—you must concede yourselves sexually to me for one night.'

All three of them pondered the idea innocently, feigning concern over what they had to lose, though each knew that they would really enjoy either outcome.  'I guess it's good,' Lizzie finally said.  'But you're going down Gordo!  Because it ain't gonna happen!'  Then Miranda high-fived Lizzie and they both heckled over what they believed to be Gordo's imminent loss.

The cafeteria doors were thrown open with a bang and there stood Frank. In he strutted and placed himself before Gordo, the prophet. Frank produced a coin purse from his shirt pocket and opened it up. He shook out its contents onto the floor. What fell before Gordo's feet was a bunch of grapes, a celery stalk, and a living chicken.

'Here for you go, Gordo,' said Frank, 'Take this items I has bring you in fast.' [Frank's dialogue contributed by Jon, 8]

'Ah ha!' cried Gordo joyfully. 'Here are those things that Miranda and Lizzie bet I would not receive.'

'Whoa whoa whoa,' said Lizzie.

'Hey hey hey,' said Miranda.

'What?' asked Gordo.

'That's a live chicken!' cried Lizzie. 'That's not what we meant! You can't win with a live chicken. No! This will not do.'

'I was under the impression that any sort of chicken would do,' said Gordo.

'Well, then we'll have to just call off the bet,' Miranda said.

'No way, girls. We had a deal,' said Gordo. 'If no one wins then we both lose. We have to go through with the bet.'

Miranda and Lizzie looked at each other, and then nodded in unison. Grinning devilishly, Gordo put his arms around both of them and winked at Frank.

'You is whoring it up now Gordo,' said Frank to his friend, and then the infallible Frank left.  No one knows where.  No one knows how.  But he left.

'Let's get at it!' said Gordo. Then they let Gordo wear their underwear while he banged them wildly.

Fin(n)