IT'S SEPHY B. AND RUFUS Z., OUT TO SAVE THE WORLD!
by chibilinnet
Written under the influence of caffeine, the author's drug of choice! (and who says writing is an anti-drug?)
Before anyone can panic, events in this fanfiction are truly fictional. I dunno why I'm putting this though ^^"
DISCLAIMER: SEPHY, RUFUS AND ANYONE ELSE MENTIONED BELONG TO SQUARE. SO DON'T SUE ME, EVIL CORPORATE TIES! BACK, MALPRACTICE LAWYERS, BACK!
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After the Meteor incident, everyone thought that the Planet's two greatest evils were dead: Rufus Shinra and Sephiroth. Well, they were not.
Rufus survived by ducking. Ducking is a handy skill, by using it you survive wars, food fights, and being blown up by a creature made by the Planet to destroy you.
Sephiroth survived because while everyone was escaping, "someone" (Cloud Strife) dropped a mastered Restore Materia. Silly Cloud!
So, Sephy and Rufus rented a room together in Neo-Midgar, run by the happy, crack-addict Reeve, aka Cait Sith. At first, Reeve didn't want the job, but since he worked at the Shinra and Yuffie was the only person who could handle running a country, and she had to rule Wutai, Reeve had to. Also because Cloud was a lazy bastard.
To avoid death threats and being evicted, just in case their landlord had morals, Sephy got himself a last name, and was now Sephy B. (B for Burrito. Sephy loved burritos), and Rufus changed his, and was now Rufus Zeal (because the author had a overload of Chrono Trigger).
One day, Sephy had an idea. And you all know how bad Sephy's ideas were.
"Rufus... why don't we become super-heroes?" Sephy one day asked, doodling on a piece of paper.
"Seph, don't draw on that, that's the phone bill, and no, because crime-fighting is volunteer work..." Rufus complained, snatching up the paper. There was a stick figure with a large spike coming from it's head. It read: "I is Clod, and I cant speel fr my lif! Sefhiwoth am way culer thn me!"
"So we'll do it at night, like the other super-heroes!" Sephy argued. This time he was doodling on the placemat.
"Seph, stop it, those are the only placemats we have. And no, being a super-hero is a 24-hour job and it doesn't take 15 minutes for us to infiltrate a secret hiding place, beat up some random villain and get back in time for our ignorant bosses and co-workers to not notice we're gone.." Rufus countered.
"We're not going to fight evil super villains!" Sephy insisted. "That's for the police! We'll vanquish greater evils, like AOL and Britney Spears!"
"I'll think about it.." Rufus muttered, plopping down on the couch and resting. Such an irony that he worked for Neo-Shinra ("Hey! You look like the old president! Are ya? ... oh, yer Rufus ZEAL, sorry 'bout that! Hey, are ya related to Janus here?"), to earn Neo-Gil, while Sephy worked at Neo-Taco Bell, serving up countless amounts of Neo-Tacos. At least he brought home free food.
"Yay! We can don really cool black suits and fly around on super cool cars, and do all other cool stuff!" Sephy cheered, bouncing around swinging his Masamune everywhere.
"SEPH, I TOLD YOU NOT TO SWING THAT IN THE HOUSE!" Rufus cried, ducking (see? I told you it was an important skill!) to avoid being beheaded by his "little brother's" 12 foot katana (A/N: I know it's a sword, but it kinda looks like a katana to me).
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Well, it just so happened that there was evil brewing!
It was in the heart of Neo-Midgar, somewhere in the Neo-Sector 7 (no slums, now everyone can make Neo-Gil!), in a media studio called... you guessed it, something that started with the word "Neo". It was Neo-Square, and they saw that not many people liked their new game, Neo-Final Fantasy XI, which was riddled with more bugs than the Amazon Rainforest!
"It seems like we might have to keep it in Neo-Wutai! It might not be profitable to release it in Neo-East Continents." a neo-employee of Neo-Square reported.
Youchi Wada, President and CEO of Neo-Square (or so ffinsider.net says) agreed that they will NOT release Neo-Final Fantasy XI, giving AOL's pathetic excuse that "they could not allocate the proper resources."
The next day, gamers cried when they received a notice that their pre-order was cancelled.
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Among those sad gamers was Sephy, who burst through the door some time around 6:00 and scaring the crap out of Rufus, who was watching Blues Clues. He quickly turned off the TV and turned to Sephy, who was blabbing and crying.
"Yo, Seph, what's wrong?" Rufus asked.
"THEYAINTGONNARELEASEFFXIINNEOMIDGARANDICANTREADJAPANESESOICANTORDERTHEWUTAIVERSION!"
"... English, Seph, remember your English."
"THEY...AIN'T...GONNA...RELEASE...FF...XI...IN...NEO...MIDGAR...AND...I...CAN'T...READ...JAPANESE...SO...I...CAN'T...ORDER...THE...WUTAI...VERSION...!"
"WHAT?? BUT WE PRE-ORDERED?? DON'T WE HAVE REFUND??" Rufus cried. He was more worried about the Neo-Gil than Neo-FFXI. Once a greedy bastard, always a greedy bastard.
"Oh yeah, the check came in the mail..." Sephy said and dug into his pockets, and produced some moldy cookies, a spare key, some condoms ("Ah! So THAT'S where they were!") and the crumpled up letter. Rufus snatched it and saw the check inside. He huggled it.
"Anyway!" Sephy continued. "I MUST STOP THIS MADNESS! IT'S OBVIOUS THAT NEO-DELL HAD INFECTED NEO-SQUARE! I MUST SAVE THEM!"
"You go do that, I'll watch my...soaps..." Rufus said, and sat back down.
"NOW! YOU AND MASAMUNE MUST COME!" Sephy announced, and grabbed the Masamune and Rufus's arm, then charged down the street, singing the Neo-Powerpuff girl theme song (which is the same as the normal Powerpuff girl song, I just like the word [name?] Neo).
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They stopped outside the Neo-Square building.
[start playing Shinra theme]
"RUFUS! WE MUST GO INSIDE AND SAVE OUR DEAR FRIEND MARLE!" Sephy pointed his Masamune to the building, scratching a wall.
"But you killed Marle... remember?" Rufus reminded him.
"... Oh yeah."
(A/N: It's an inside joke, not a CT thing. I named Aeris after the annoying Guardia Princess, Marle. There is also a pink Mocchi by the name of Marle in Monster Rancher Advanced)
Sephy was having quite a hard time getting into the building. Mighty as the Masamune was, it was having trouble chipping away at the wall. Rufus sighed and wondered why he was cursed with having to look after this embodiment of stupidity.
He grabbed Sephy and walked to the back door, which they keep unlocked for unknown reasons.
"If yer gonna do something stupid, do it RIGHT." Rufus scolded, showing Sephy the back door.
"I knew that was there..."
Soon, they were in the Neo-Square building. This is time to sing...
THE CHEESY THEME SONG!!
(A/N: Sing this to the "Spider-Man" Theme song, I assume most of you know it)
SEPHY B!
RUFUS Z!
SAVING THE WORLD WITH STUPIDITY!
OW! OH NO!
RUFUS, LEGGO!
THE GUARDS ARE COMING THROUGH THAT HOLE!
WATCH OUT!
HERE COMES THE MASAMUNE!!
That made no sense!
After the murder of many armed guards, whose wives now must get a high-paying job to feed their poor children, they made it up to the room where the EVIL, NEO-SQUARE PRESIDENT IS!
"Why, Youchi, why?" Sephy said, dramatically.
Youchi turned his chair around and looked at Sephy with cold, unfeeling eyes. AAAHHH!! THEY BURN! BUUURRRNNN!!
"Oh, we're not going to cancel Neo-FFXI..." He cackled, and got up. He pushed the curtain aside and showed the millions of angry Neo-FF-fans, many of which were waving lighters in the air threatening to BURN down the Neo-Square building.
"We will pretend to succumb to peer pressure, and release Neo-FFXI to the Neo-other continents, but we will hike up the price! Just to say "We need more money to get you better service!" The public will eat this stuff up and we'll get RICH off of CDs that only cost 50 cents to make!"
"But Youchi... you used to be so nice..." Sephy tearfully exclaimed as Rufus was casually reading a Highlights for Children magazine.
"Bah. Being nice doesn't rake in the cash..." Youchi answered, then took a swig of Pepsi Twist. A sudden idea came to Sephy's head.
"YOU AREN'T YOUCHI WADA!" Sephy exclaimed, and zipped "Youchi's" disguise off. "YOU'RE BILL GATES!"
"And that ain't a Pepsi Twist!" Rufus stepped forward, unzipping the Pepsi Twist. "This is... a Vanilla Coke?"
"Grrrrr..." Bill Gates growled.
"WAIT! He's not Bill Gates!" Rufus shook his head and unzipped "Bill Gates's disguise
"IT'S BRITNEY SPEARS!!" Sephy cried.
"GRRRR!!" Britney growled.
"No!" Sephy then unzipped Britney Spears's disguise. "It's Steve Case!"
"GRRRRRRRR!!!" Steve growled.
"Nope. One more costume!" Rufus proclaimed, and zipped off the final costume.
GASP!
"IT'S THE AUTHOR, LINNET!!" They both gasped.
Yes! I was there, rid of my multi-disguises! my plan to make lots of cash was ruined! RUINED BY THAT MEDDLING SILVER-HAIRED FREAK AND HIS OLDER BROTHER!
"Hey," Rufus frowned. "I'm not related to him!"
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EPILOGUE:
The real Youchi Wada was found tied up in the rec room, under the sofa. Neo-FFXI was back in development. Linnet went to court and was tried as an adult, getting 20 years. Rufus Z and Sephy B became instant heroes. During the "hero party"...
A random fifteen year old teen walked up to Sephy.
"Sephy B, yer so cool, how can I be like you?" He asked, gaping in awe at his hero.
"TAKE COCAINE! IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" Sephy answered.
Little did that kid know, 20 years from now, he'd be in jail, screaming "CURSE YOU, SEPHY B! I SHOULD NEVER HAVE WORSHIPPED YOU AND FOLLOWED YOUR ADVICE! I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN IN HELL SO I CAN GET MY REVENGE!"
But that, is another episode...
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Actually, I might continue it, if people want to. Sorry about using the word Neo so much, I loved it! Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed it. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! I'm odd, no?
Oh yeah, and I *think* Steve Case is the guy who made AOL. It's all his fault.