Blood thirsty: Yes. I realize my name is 'grammatically' incorrect. Well, I like it that way… It's my internet name! Me very special!
Kain: We all know that.
Blood thirsty: Shut up! Anyhoo, Thankies to all my reviewers! You'll get a Kain or Raziel plushie! And for those who are questioning why Raz is in his Soul Reaver form, that will come into play later on. ^-^ I actually have a plan! And again… I stole an idea from a review in this chapter. ^-^;;; But any ideas or suggestions are welcome… they inspire me!
Anyhoo, onto the story!
Kain walks into the house, looking extremely exhausted, and flops down on the couch, only to realize there are 20 little toddlers running around the house.
Kain: What the fu—
Ariel: Kain! Watch your language! There are little children around!
Kain: I noticed! And why are there little children running around my house?!
Ariel: Kain, be realistic. You're a waiter. There is no way you're going to be able to support a family of six teenage boys. So, I decided to help out by running a pre-school!
Kain: Well run it somewhere else! I am not going to allow a bunch of smelly little brats ruin my house!
Ariel: Smelly little brats?! Look at them! * one jumps onto Kain's lap, and smiles innocently at him *
Kain: Wha- No! This-this thing is not cute. * The child blinks and gurgles happily * No. Not a chance. Nope. * Gurgle *Well… fine. I guess they're kinda cute… * the innocent looking kids face scrunches up, and throws up on Kain *
Kain: Ew! Get off me you little brat! * he throws the kid across the room. The poor child hits the wall, slides down cartoon style, and starts to bawl *
Ariel: Kain! How dare you!? That was a child!! He didn't know any better!
Kain: Well, now he does. * stalks upstairs before Ariel has time to throw things at him *
Zephon: Hehehe… sweet revenge… * hears the footsteps * Ahh… my dear brothers must be home… Aside from Raziel and Rahab, I hope they enjoy the shower! * he laughs evilly to himself as he waits for the door to open. He has a bucket of water teetering on the top of the door, waiting for his brothers to open the door. The only problem is that it isn't his brothers who open the door…*
Kain: Hey, Zephon. How are y-* before he can finish, the water pours onto his head, and he begins to scream out curses in any language he can think of *
Ariel: Kain!!!! * she floats up ready to give Kain hell for his use of colorful language, but just stares as he runs around doused in water *
Kain: Gawd it burns!!!! Zephon! When I recover, your ass is mine! Damnit! Ouch!
Ariel: Kain! You will not speak to your son that way! * she turns around holding her head * I can't live like this…
* The doorbell rings, and the five teenage vampires walk in from a hard day at school *
Raziel: I hate math! I hope I didn't act like that.
Melchiah:… Hey! Has Dad told any of you what his job is?
Rahab: * snickers * He's probably not telling us because it would demolish his ego…
Turel: Yeah, betcha he's a waitress or something…
Dumah: It would be a waiter. Dad may have long hair, but he's lacking in breasts. And not lacking in- * he stops when someone taps him on the shoulder *
Kain: What exactly are you talking about? * Narrows his eyes *
Turel: Uhh… this punk at school. Some people say he's a woman… * all the brothers proceed to nod enthusiastically *
Raziel: So uhh… how's Zephon? * glances at Kain's now healing burn marks * And what happened?!
Kain: * eye twitch *
Ariel: * ushering two toddlers away from the group of teenage vampires * You might not want to push the subject… so how was school, boys? * none answer completely, and just mumble *
The doorbell rings again, and mothers burst into the house, awaiting their children. After ten minutes of fussing and payment, Ariel sighs and floats down on the couch next to Kain
Kain: Peace at last… I hate work…
Ariel: I like this whole pre-school teacher thing! Kids are so nice to have… * Kain reaches for the TV remote *
Kain: Try raising six boys. Then you'll hate kids.
Ariel: The only reason they turned out the way they did was because they didn't have a motherly figure!
Kain: Hey! Are you saying my children are bad? * looking offended *
Ariel: No, no, no! I… uhh… just meant… hey! Look! Passions is on!
Kain: Oooh no! Noooo no! We are not watching a soap opera!
Ariel: * puppy dog eyes * Please Kain? Dealing with a bunch of toddlers is stressful work… * bats her eyelashes *
Kain: * mumbles * Fine…
*Turel pops out of nowhere, and makes whipping sounds towards Kain *
Turel: Whakeesh! Hey Dad, somebody's whipped!
Kain: why you little #*@&!!! * An innocent bystander on the street hears the word, and his head explodes *
Ariel: Language, buddy! * death glare at Kain *
Turel: Whakeesh! * hops away before Kain can strangle him *
Kain: Ariel! I'm the man of the house! How am I supposed to keep control over those monsters if I'm being ruled over by a ghost!
Ariel: That's not what you mean… * she glares icily at Kain * It's because I'm a woman, isn't it?!
Kain: No! Not at all! Just… think of it, a physical beauty such as myself, being ruled over by a… not so physical beauty.
Ariel: So you think I'm ugly?!
Kain: No! I just- *sighs * never mind… let's watch your damned show.
Ariel: Thanks. * she smiles at Kain, but he just mumbles something and closes his eyes. He's about to fall asleep, until a disembodied arm whacks him in the face *
Kain: What the hell?! * picks up the arm * Melchiah?!
Zephon: *from upstairs * Dad! Pass me that!
Melchiah: No! Don't! He said he'd flush it down the toilet!
Zephon: * to Melchiah * Squealer! * Sounds of fighting can be heard *
Kain: Don't make me come up there! Cause if I do it won't just be Melchiah missing an arm!
Ariel: Why me…? * She sighs deeply as the fighting increases *
Kain: All right, you little pukes asked for it! * he rolls up his non-existent sleeves and walks up the stairs *
Zephon: * holding up one of Melchiah's legs * Haha! You can't get it! Jump, Mel, jump!
Melchiah: when I get a hold of you, you'll be sorry!
Kain: All right. Enough. Zephon, drop the leg.
Zephon: Bite me, Dad. * He sneers at Kain and continues to taunt Melchiah * Can't get it! Do you want your leg? Can't get it!
Melchiah: Give me back my damned leg you rat bastard, or else I'll go medieval on your ass! That's right! I'll disembowel you and hang you out for everyone to see! And use thumbscrews and the Chinese water torture! I'll burn a hole right through your dumbass head! I'll kill you!!!! * He does a battle cry and bites at Zephon's ankles *
Zephon: Holy shit! * drops the leg * He's gone rabid! Get him off me!!
Kain: * He says nothing, but he clenches his hands into fists, and his left eye twitches *
Raziel: Guys… you might want to knock it off…
Zephon: * Looks at his father, and decides to take his oldest brother's advice * Hehe… just playing with ya, Mel… no hard feelings?
Melchiah: * Also noticing the look on Kain's face * Hehe… yeah… sorry about the ankle thing… * cheesy smile *
Kain: If… you… do… a…stunt…like…that…again… I'll… * twitch *
Raziel: * Swings an arm under Melchiah's Arm, and lifts him up, only to have the arm fall off too. Kain twitches * Ahehehe… don't worry about that, Dad… just go downstairs, relax… watch some TV…
Kain: fine… but… if… this-
Raziel: -Ever happens again you'll throw us into the abyss. We know. Been there, done that. Now go downstairs! * Kain glares at all of them, but goes into the living room, only to see Ariel crying *
Kain: Now what?!
Ariel: * switching channels between soap operas * It's just… it's all so sad!!! Everything is going wrong in 'Days of our lives' and- in passions- * she hiccups, but calms down * I'm o-okay… Just a little shaken up. So what happened up there?
Kain: *twitch * I'd rather not *twitch * talk about it…
Ariel: o..kay… Kain, you look stressed… why don't I make you a nice supper, and you can have a glass of wine/blood?
Kain: That would be fantastic. Thank you Ariel. * He smiles sincerely at her. She floats into the kitchen, only to have the doorbell ring. Kain, not wanting to bug Ariel too much, takes it upon himself to answer the door. *
Kain: Hello. What do- Oh sweet merciful God! What have I done to deserve this!?! * in walks Vorador, Marcus, Sebastian, Faustus, The Sarafan Lord, Moebius, Mangus and Vampire Raziel (for all you Raziel fangirls!) *
Vorador:… so I said to him- oh! Kain! How are you today? We're just coming over hear to play strip poker. Want to join?
Kain: B-but my peace and quiet! M-my relaxation night! My supper!!!! No! Get the hell out!
SL: Watch it, vampire. You don't have the Soul Reaver, now do you? What defense do you have against me?
Kain: * Eyes narrow * I may not have the damned sword, but I have the Soul Reaver! * grabs Soul Reaver Raziel's arm * Ha! Take that you… Sarafan Lord!
SR Raziel: Um… Dad? Wrong arm.
Kain: Wha- damnit… * the group of eight walk into the kitchen, followed by a screaming Ariel * Kain! Get them out!
Vampire Raziel: Hey! Dad! You're looking awfully spiffy today!
SR Raziel: Aw man! In my human life I've got the big book of 'being sadistic to vampires' shoved up my ass, and as a vampire, I'm a complete brown nose! What the hell is wrong with me!?
Kain: Oh shit… Raziel! * Both turn to look at him * Soul Reaver Raziel! Go hide somewhere! Don't let your other self see y-
Vampire Raziel: What the hell?! Is that… me?! I-I'm so ugly! Dad! What the hell happened to me?! * looks at him with child-like innocence *
Kain: Well… erh… you see- * Turel interrupts him *
Turel: Well, you evolved before Kain did, and got a nice pair of wings I might add. Well, Dad got pissed, ripped off your wings and tossed you into the abyss. * grins triumphantly *
An awkward silence ensues, and Vampire Raziel stares at Kain like a kicked puppy.
Vampire Raziel: B-but… Dad… I-I thought I was your favourite… * lower lip trembles *
Kain: Well… erh… * scratches the back of his head uncomfortably, then glares at Turel * I swear to God, if he needs counseling, it's coming out of your allowance…
The doorbell rings again, and Kain nearly screams. All of them glance at the door, and it rings again. Everyone looks at Kain, and he helplessly walks towards the door, and opens it…
Kain: Oh my god!! Please no! No more! I hate Karma!
Manager from his work place: Kain! I see you have a full house… Is your bedroom occupied?
Ariel: KAIN!!!!!! I'm your wife for Petes sake! You could have at least started an affair without me knowing! Well that is IT! I'm sick of the way you're treating me! * She disappears, obviously into the spectral realm *
Kain: * blinks * W-what the hell are you doing here?!
Manager: You said your wife was dead!
Kain: She is dead!
Vorador: * From the Kitchen * Uhhh… Kain? Could I borrow a pair of pants or something? I seem to be loosing this hand…
Moebius: Please! For everything that is holy and unholy! Give him some pants!
Marcus: God… that red speedo will haunt my dreams forever…
Kain: What the… You're all supposed to be dead!! Dead, dead, DEAD! Now die!! Please!!
Sebastian: Not in this lifetime pal. You killed us off in the last one.
By now, the children have started fighting amongst themselves, taunting Melchiah again, who is missing both arms and legs.
Melchiah: Daaaaaaaaad!!!! Zephon stole my arms and my teddy bear! And Turel has my legs!
Zephon: Daaaaad!!! Tell Melchiah to stop being such a whiner!
* from the kitchen *
SL: No! For all our sakes, don't let Vorador loose! Kain! Give him some pants!
Faustus: Normally, I would wonder why the Sarafan Lord would want to loose to a vampire, but considering a red speedo is all Vorador has on, I can see why his opinion is the way it is…
Sebastian: Kain! Give him a damned pair of pants, or I'll go berserk on your ass!
Mangus: Hey! I'm winning! * Toothy grin *
Throughout all the madness going throughout the house, a small cracking sound can be heard as Kain clenches his fists. Everything is silent as they watch Kain in utter disbelief. He hasn't moved from where he was standing. Everything seems to stand still as Kain begins to hyperventilate.
Mangus: Well… I think it's about time I left… thanks for the robe, Vorador! * Cheerily puts it on and is about to leave. Kain shoots a very evil glance at him, and uses 'immolate' on him. Mangus squeals and tries to put out the fire*
Kain: No one, I mean no one is leaving… Raziel, get your blue, nonexistent ass over here!
Vampire Raziel: hey! My ass is very real, and it's not blue!
SR Raziel: Hey dumbass! He was talking to m-* He is silenced by an outraged growl from Kain *
Kain: Shut the hell up and get over here! * SR Raziel gulps, (though none of us know how he manages to do so without most of his mouth) and timidly walks towards Kain. * All right. Now get the Soul Reaver.
SR Raziel: But I-
Kain: DO IT! * SR Raziel does so, and Kain grabs hold of his arm * Now… anyone else who ever, ever dares to pull a stunt like this again in my house, is getting this shoved where the sun don't shine…
SR Raziel: Hey! This is my arm we're talking about!
Kain: Shut up! * looks around glaring at everyone * Do we all understand…? * Everyone nods, looking terrified * Now get the hell out of my sight!!
Everyone runs in a furry of cloaks and claws, but manage to race out the door without much trouble. Turel opens his mouth, but Dumah's eyes widen as he shakes his head violently as a gesture to stay quiet. Turel decides to hold his tongue for the time being.
SR Raziel: …Dad…? Are you okay…? You look… upset.
Kain: I wonder why?! I come here to live a nice quiet life, and all hell breaks loose!! Why shouldn't I be upset! I just want to go to sleep and forget about my neighbours and everything else!
Melchiah: Dad…? Before you go to sleep and forget everything… can you sew my arms and legs back on?
Kain: * his lip trembles * I try, and I try, but nothing is ever good enough for you boys! I give you each a whole clan, and people to kill, and gawd knows what else, and this is the respect I get? * he inhales deeply * If you'll excuse me, I have something in my eye. * He turns swiftly on one heel and bolts up the stairs *
Turel: I'll bet he doesn't have something in his eye! I think he's sobbing like a pansy! * Grins triumphantly for stating the obvious *
SR Raziel: No freakin duh! Give the guy a break! Am I the only one who actually cares that he's working his ass off for us? * His brothers give him a blank stare* Fine! I'm gonna go and find Ariel. * mumbling * I should be the one hating him… * disappears into the spectral realm *
Dumah: Since when was he Mr. Mature?
Vampire Raziel: Probably since Kain threw me into the abyss! That bastard! * Dumah and Turel grin at eachother *
Turel: Yeah… he threw you in with his bare hands-erh, claws. * much snickering from the brothers *
Melchiah: Uh guys? Could someone sew my arms and-* All the brothers leave and turn out the lights, leaving poor Melchiah alone in the dark hallway. He sighs * Never mind.
Blood thirsty: Will poor Marcus have nightmares for the rest of his life? Will Melchiah ever get his limbs sewn back on? Will Kain loose his tyrannical edge, and turn into a pansy? Wow… that's doubtful…
Kain: I will never loose my tyrannical edge! And I will get my revenge!
Blood thirsty: Hehe… not before me…
Yes. I did use a reference to Demon Hunter Anamae's fic. Chapter 16 of 'Romeo and Juliet'! Hehe, Vorador in a speedo… If you haven't read the story, do so now! I command you! It has got to be one of the funniest stories out there! Not to mention by one of the most well known LoK authors on FF.net as well.
Disclaimer: I'll do this every so often. If I owned LoK, then I would be swimming in money, laughing at the imbecile who would be writing this. Just making sure I'm not gonna get sued, lol.