Bloodthirsty: Wheee!! I feel happy again! There are nice people in the world, and they reviewed!!
Kain: If that's not sucking up, I don't know what is…
Bloodthirsty: Well, I don't see any reviews saying, 'Kain! I feel so sorry for you, being abused and undernourished!', now do I? 'Sides, I didn't think so many people cared! Well, just for that, I got this out extra early!! ^^;;;
Legolas: Can I go home?
Bloodthirsty: Um… no… hehehe, I've discovered the art of cracking my knuckles. Well, most of them… still working on my pinky and ring fingers… *pop* *pop* *pop* heehee!
Kain is driving to the pound, having his Zombie mother talk his ear off about responsibility.
Mom: …you should be more mature! I'll bet your kid isn't even possessed! It's probably a cry for attention! You're most likely an awful father! Just like you're an awful husband, and an awful son!
Kain: *rolling his eyes* I'm a tyrant! I'm allowed to be an awful people person, so get off my case!
Dad: You were so innocent when you were younger… Remember Mr. Floofy?
Kain: *blinks* M-Mr. Floofy…? I- goddamnit! I'm a grown vampire! I don't need a damned teddy bear!
Mom: *sitting in the passenger's seat, pulls out a ratty looking teddy bear from her purse* I still have him, you know… If you really are that innocent, bright eyed little boy I know, then you'll keep him… *looks hopeful*
Kain: *keeping one hand on the wheel, he takes the teddy bear*
Mom: Good, now when we get home, we're going to have a little chat about your attitude, young man!
Kain: *pulls into the parking lot of the pound* Hold on a sec. *throws the teddy bear out the window, runs it over, backs up over it, and repeats that for a few minutes* Now what was that about my bad attitude?
Mom: Kain! That was a gift from your Grandmother!
Kain: Mom, she was senile. For all I know, that could have been a badly deformed cat.
Mom: … actually, it was a dog… but that's beside the point.
Dad: Lets just go in and get erh… Zoofy…
Kain: *deadpan* Zephon…
Dad: Hehe, I knew that…
They walk into the pound, and wait for the clerk to help them.
Clerk: *looking over the two Zombies and the inhumanly pale man, she shakes her head* Can I help you?
Kain: Yeah, there was a weird… rabid, human-thing…
Clerk: *goes nearly as pale as Kain* Are you here to take that-that thing back…?
Kain: Yeah, how much will it cost?
Clerk: Nothing!!! Just get it out!!! It's… in there… *points to an ominous looking door down the hall*
Kain: Okay… so, I just go in there, and take him out?
Clerk: No… *hands him a tranquilizer, hand gun, and a leash* be careful… that's were the creatures we put down don't…stay down…
Kain: Okaaaaay…. *takes the stuff and walks towards the door*
A person walks out, looking suspiciously like Claire Redfield from 'Resident Evil: Code Veronica'.
Claire: So this is where they get the dogs from… *two nasty looking dogs on leashes walk out* Good doggies… *as she walks out of the pound, she eyes the two zombies wearily*
Kain: *blinks* Okay then… *opens the door with a sickening creak* …Zephon?
Zephon: *hisses as he clings to the wall*
Kain: Zeph- *is cut off by Zephon lunging at him*
Zephon: *growls and bites Kain's arm*
Kain: Damn! That's what the tranquilizers were for! *takes the dart and pokes him in the eye with the blunt end, then bashes him over the head with the handle of the hand gun, effectively knocking him out long enough for Kain to hog tie him*
Zephon: *squeals like a pig*
Kain: Phew… *walks out of the room nonchalantly, dragging Zephon behind him* These certainly did come in handy! *Hands the unused tranquilizer and handgun to the stupefied clerk*
Mom: I'm not even going to ask…
Dad: I always new you'd be a good cowboy, son! *The three walk out, forgetting to close the door of the room for the undead animals… we all know what happened to the poor clerk…*
The boys just got home from school, lets see what they're up to…
Rahab: Did you hear? Grams and Gramps are coming over!
Melchiah: Yay! I haven't seen them for so long!
V Raziel: We've never seen them, have we?
Dumah: No… we haven't…
Melchiah: *still grinning*
SR Raziel: I hate gym…
Turel: Why?
SR Raziel: Cause everyone keeps saying 'Oooh! The blue guy has not guts!' Or 'The blue guy has no balls!'
Turel: Well it's true! *blank stares from everyone*
Melchiah: *hugs Raziel's legs* Yay!!
SR Raziel: What the hell…?
Rahab: Vorador scarred Melchiah… Now anything that has to do with… erh… reproduction, he thinks is contaminated…
V Raziel: Stupid Kain… ripped my wings off and took away my manliness!
SR Raziel: Hey! I'm just as much as a man as I was before! *his brothers snort* …What?!
Melchiah: You're my favorite brother! *still hugging his legs*
SR Raziel: Melchiah, get off of my leg!
Melchiah: But you're pure!!
SR Raziel: *getting desperate* No I'm not! You shoulda see what I did as a vampire!
Melchiah: *immediately jumps off of Raziel* You…
V Raziel: Hehehe…
Melchiah: No! Stay away!! You're all dirty, filthy beasts! *starts to cry*
Just then, the door opens, and in walks Kain and his parents, dragging Zephon on the leash, who is still hog tied.
Kain: Shaddap! I'm old enough to take care of myself! Leave me alone!
Mom: But you're a horrible person! You have six, no, sorry, seven kids, and you can't even be darned to raise them correctly!
Kain: Shut the hell up! I don't want 'The Brady Bunch' for a family!
Mom: Don't swear, damnit! It's very unbecoming!
Kain: You're unbelievable!
Mom: I-I just wanted to be a good mother… I've failed!! *starts to cry* You turned out evil and mean, because I'm an awful m-mother… I'm s-sorry Kain… I-I should have b-been a better m-mom… *starts to sob hysterically*
Kain: *getting dirty looks from everyone in the room* Uhh… Mom…? Sorry… you were a great mom… *feeling really guilty* Don't blame yourself because I'm a rotten apple… *awkwardly puts an arm around her shoulder*
Mom: *regains her composure a little too fast* Great! Your father and I are staying for another two weeks, and we'll be sleeping in your bedroom. I want steak tonight, and tomorrow, something Italian!
Melchiah: Gramma! *hugs her legs* Yay! You're not contaminated!
Dad: See Kain? Why didn't you turn out like him? Why, I remember when you were first born! You were so sweet and innocent. You had your mother's-
Melchiah: *eyes widen* You- you-
Rahab: Oh dear god, Melchiah No! *eyes widening as well*
Melchiah: You- you had sex!!!!! *starts to cry pathetically and crawls away from his grandparents*
Kain: *looks completely dumbfounded* I-I- he-
Mom: Kain!!! A child his age should not know about sex!!!!
Kain: But I-
Dad: I did not raise a perverted son! What the hell did you teach him!
Kain: Nothing! It was Vorador! I swear! He's the pervert!
Mom: Another sign of irresponsibility! Trying to blame your neighbor for something you did! Shame on you!
Kain: *looking very pissed off* He did!!! He's a complete pervert!!!!
Turel: Uhh, Dad? This might be a bad time to tell you this, but that pervert is coming over, with one of his… uhh.. brides…
Kain: Turel, I would have been so much happier if I didn't know that…
Dumah: Oh yeah, and he's bringing some friends over.
Right on cue, the Sarafan Lord, Umah, the vampire trio, (Fausty, Sebby, and Marky), Vorador, and a random bride come in nonchalantly.
Faustus: Whoa, Kain! *points to his parents* Who are the two uglies?
Kain: *clenches his teeth* My parents…
Faustus: Oh… hehe…*nervous* well, that sickly color of putrid green suites you two very well!
Dad: Aww, thanks! Now why Kain didn't turn out like you is beyond me…
Sebastian: That bastard killed us!
Kain: Shut up asshole! You would have killed me if I hadn't killed you!
Dad: Kain! Watch your damned mouth, boy! You're not too old for a spanking! *everyone around aside from Kain and his parents burst into laughter*
Kain: *turning red, whether it be from embarrassment or anger* All right! Let's just have dinner…
After much fussing from Ariel, she manages to scrounge up enough food for all of them, and amazingly, they can all be seated at the table… how? No one will ever know…
Mom: So Ariel, darling. How did you and Kain meet?
Ariel: *blinks* Well, uhh… I was floating-
Dad: What, you mean you were a ghost when you met him?
Ariel: Yeah, I-
Mom: No wonder Kain is such a grouch! He's probably never even hoped in the sack.
Kain: Mother!!
Mom: Well it's true! I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if you were still a virgin! I mean, I thought you were gay when you were alive. You never showed any interest in the opposite sex! Why didn't you marry someone like Umah?
Umah: Because he's an asshole and killed me.
Mom: Well, you are a very stupid young man, Kain. Marrying a ghost over a pretty vampiress!
Ariel: Are you insinuating that I'm not pretty?
Mom: Doll, you only have half a face.
Ariel: Oooh, that means a lot coming from someone without any face at all, worm food!
Kain: Oh shit… Mom, Ariel- *Dumah and Turel start to cheer on the two* shut up!
Melchiah: *sobbing* Everyone's infected…
Umah: Hey, let's all just calm down… we can settle this out civilly.
Mom: No wonder Kain killed you! You're already annoying me!
Umah: That's it!! *an all-out cat fight breaks loose between Umah, Kain's father, and Ariel… though no one knows how Ariel can punch, she still does*
Kain: Oh gawd, this can't be happening! Oh gawd oh gawd oh gawd oh-
V Raziel: Uhh… Dad? Where's Zephon?
Kain: Who cares anymore?! I don't!!! I don't care about anything anymore!! *laughs insanely*
Sarafan Lord: Ha! Kain has finally lost it! *grinning triumphantly*
Dad: So where do you know Kain from?
Sarafan Lord: I kicked his ass and put him down for two hundred years!
Dad: Good man- *gets knocked over by Umah being thrown*
Umah: Sorry about that! *lunges back into the fight*
Melchiah: *sobbing* Why won't it all stop!? Why, why, wh- *is suddenly dragged away by Zephon*
Zephon: Sacrifices! *cackles evilly*
Melchiah: Mpphhmmpph!
Zephon: Silence, mortal!
Melchiah: Mpphhphph!!!
Zephon: *takes off one of Melchiah's arms* We put the left hand in, *shoves Mel's arm into the sink* We take the left hand out, *takes the hand out*
Rahab: Shit! Melchiah! I'll save you! *tackles Zephon*
Zephon: So you want to be next, fish boy?!
Rahab: Stop this, right now!!
Melchiah: yeah!! Stop it!
Zephon: Shaddap or I'll feed you whipped cream until you burst!
Melchiah: *starts to cry again*
Marcus: Uhh, Sebastian? I think we may want to help Kain out a bit…
Sebastian: Why? What's- *sees Kain sitting in front of a wall with Crayons in his hand, drawing on the wall*
Kain: *humming to himself* Sunshine, lollypops and, rainbows, lalala, hmmhmm-
SR Raziel: Okay, okay everyone, break it up!!!!
Kain: Whassa matta? Everyone's having a good time! Bring out the wine! *drawing a rainbow*
Rahab: Oh bloody hell…
V Raziel: Dad has lost it! Really, truly lost it!
Everything goes silent, aside from Kain's humming. His mother turns to look at him, and smiles.
Mom: There's my innocent little boy!
Kain: *drawing some rain on his work of art,(lol) except the rain is red… and there are decapitated bunnies, with very explicit gore, especially for a picture drawn by crayons…* I like bunnies… I've always wanted a bunny…
Mom: Kain dear? Drawing gory things isn't good for your mind…
Kain: You never gave me a bunny… and I want Mr. Floofy…
Zephon/Demon: *stops doing the hokey pokey with Melchiah's arm, and just staring at Kain*
Kain: I never, ever had a bunny before… and I miss Mr. Floofy…
Dad: Kain, son. You ran over Mr. Floofy in the parking lot earlier today, remember?
Kain: Bastard!! I would never hurt Mr. Floofy!!! I'll kill you!! *grabs Soul Reaver Raziel and starts beating his father with him*
SR Raziel: Dad *whack* Stop this right *smack* now!
Sarafan Lord: Oh my… I think Kain has really lost it… *Kain jerks his head towards the flaming green haired hylden, and glares menacingly* Uhh… never mind… *Kain resumes beating his father*
Mom: Kain! Enough! I-
Kain: You! *drops Raziel with a dull thud, and points accusingly at his mother* You look like a bunny! *lunges at her* Eek!
Zephon/Demon: *Having given up on tormenting Melchiah, he is content with watching Kain go insane* This is rich! *falls over laughing*
Kain: *has lost interest in trying to behead his mother, he glares at Zephon* Ta gnihgual uoy era tahw?!
Zephon/Demon: *grinning* Norom etelpmoc a!
Kain: Ssabmud, no ti gnirb!
Zephon/Demon: *lunges at Kain*
Umah: Does anyone have any idea on what either of them just said?
Ariel: *blank stare* not the faintest clue… *shakes her head* Okay, party's over! Everyone out, NOW!!! *Vorador and all his guests walk out dejectedly, disappointed that they can't finish watching the scene* Rahab, call Kain's workplace, and tell them he's taking a few days off. He needs counciling.
Mom: Nonsense! He'll be fine with a bit of alcohol, and some lovin'.
Ariel: *eyes narrow* He does not need physical healing. I am going to get him counseling, and he will settle things out. Now go to bed before I get some friends from the spirit world to drag your rotting ass back to the underworld… *glares* *Kain's parents nod meekly and walk cautiously up the stairs*
Rahab: *watching Kain and Zephon talk in their strange language, whilst tearing at each other's throats* Should we separate them?
Ariel: Nope. Let them tire each other out. It's going to be a long two weeks…
Bloodthirsty: Bwah hahaha!!! There will be therapy next chapter!!! Who here likes Kain's parents???
Kain: I hate them…
Legolas: Me too…
Kain: Shut up! Only I can hate them!
Bloodthirsty: *sighs* I love my muses, but why? I don't know…
Ahem… shoutouts! And lot's of em! *sniffles* You people are the best…
Shadow wolf: *huggles her Kain plushie, hearing him say 'Vae Victus' in that, hot, sexy voice of his* Aww, thankies… *grinning* I love the idea of Kain's mom, but I don't think he does… *grinning evilly*
Emerald Embers: Funniest things out there? Awww… *bashful smile* Gee, thanks… I don't think it's quite that funny, but as long as my reviewers are happy, then so am I! ^^;; And that idea is wonderfully wonderful! I'll keep it in mind… *disturbingly sinister smirk*
Syvia: Thanks! Glad you like it! ^-^
Venris: *grinning, hands her a Marcus plushie* Heehee, screw the rabbit's foot, eh? Thanks for the suggestion! I loved it, as you can tell. I hope this was a fast enough update for ya!
HealerAriel: Hehehe, we all love the blond Elf, don't we? *grins* Hehehe, that would be very entertaining…
Chalcedony Blue: Hee, thanks for reviewing! And me? A genius? *grins* Wow, not many people tell me that! I'll make sure I remember that! ^^ Thankies!!
Silveriss: Thanks! I'm glad you think it's funny! That's my purpose in life, is to make people laugh! *cheesy grin* And thanks. I love you people… *sniffles* Damn crappy birthdays… *throws all kinds of plushies at you* you've made mine better. ^^ … but Patrick Stewart…? And Marcus…? Oh gawd… ideas manifesting themselves into my head… *falls over laughing* LoK, the next generation! XD No more!! No more!!! *has tears in her eyes from thinking about it*
AimzNemesis Sadistic Scorpion: LOL! I couldn't resist putting him in boxers… And poor Melchiah's innocence was bound to be destroyed with Vorador around, *snickers*
Vorador: Hey! I resent that remark!
Bloodthirsty: Suuuure… Ahem.. Thanks for the review!!! ^^
Demon Hunter Anamae: Hmm… perhaps I should put a warning: Do not drink milk while reading this fic!!
Lol, whatever… ahem. And poor Melchiah will never look at a parfait the same way again. Hehehe… And thanks for the cake… I'll have some later… *wink wink* hehehe… *grins and throws a Faustus plushie* Thankies!!
Fallen Templar: Aww… my reviewers are so kind and supportive… *sniffles* I love you guys… Hehehe, fear the Reaver of souls! Mwee hee hee! I wouldn't, but hey, that's just me… Thanks for the review!!
Light in dark: Sorry to keep you waiting, and thanks for the stuff!! *munching contently on chocolate stuff* And never fear! I'll finish this story… someday… in a galaxy far, far away… Hehehe… And I'm glad it was worth the wait!
Angel-Chan: lol, don't worry about it. Half my friends forgot it, and it still hasn't dawned on them yet. ^^;;; But I still feel appreciated! Heh, you're so kind… ^^;; *throws a Legolas plushie* And yes, I'm enjoying this, very much so! *grinning* I just hope my readers are having as much fun as I am!
Sarryn: Hee, wondeful AND funny! ^^;; yay! Go me! Thanks for the review!!
Legolas: I'm not usually one for defending people who love to torment me, but aren't you forgetting someone from last chapter…?
Bloodthirsty: *looks around* Whatever do you mean…?
Legolas:…
Bloodthirsty: Aww fine. Whisp, I love ya girl, but where'd you go?! I thought you'd already be on my ass for not mentioning you… Where'd you go?! *starts looking under rocks and behind couches*
Kain: Ahem… since the authoress is busy looking for her 'number one fan', I guess I'll end this chapter. Erh… thanks for reviewing… and uhh… she would like to express her gratitude, but can't, as she's trying to look under the fridge. So… *looks around* if you have any mercy at all, don't review! It fuels her on, and it's never good for her muses!
Bloodthirsty: I heard that!! Don't listen to him! As long as you're not my muse, you won't be hurt! *goes back to searching*
Kain: Crap…