Bloodthirsty: I'm back, after a weekend of watching my cousins play 'Eternal Darkness'. Very funky game indeed…
Kain: But my games are still better… right?
Bloodthirsty: Of course! It's just fun to watch the protagonist go insane…
Legolas: you play weird games…
Kain: What's that supposed to mean?!
Bloodthirsty: Ahem!! Nothing. I'm back, with more insanely stupid humor!
Kain: Oh gawd… kill me now…
Legolas: *grins*
It's morning, and Ariel floats around nervously, wondering how Kain is going to act. The bedroom door opens, and Kain walks out, completely normal.
Kain: Gu'morning Ariel.
Ariel: *blinks* Erh… Hi Kain… feeling better…?
Kain: Yes, I am thank you. *casually walks down the stairs*
Mom: *sitting at the table, eating some bacon and eggs* Hullo, Kain… Hope you're not too mad about last ni-
Kain: Whataboutlastnight?!Idonrememberasinglethingaboutlastnighthowaboutsomemilkyoulookreallythirsty!!!!!! *takes a glass of milk and chugs it*
Mom: Erh… I wasn't aware Vampires could drink milk…
Kain: *face scruntches up* They can't- *runs away holding his stomach*
Mom: *blinks* Oookay then…
Ariel: *floats into the kitchen* Where's Kain…? We're taking him to see a shri-erh… get some help…
Kain: *returns, though looking a bit sickly, even for a vampire* Another happy day at work, to earn money and spend it on my beloved *twitch* children… *twitch*
Ariel: Kain…? I called work, and you're taking the day off! *smiling sympathetically at him* Aren't you happy…?
Kain: A break from work? But I can't! All work and no play makes Kain lots of money to- *twitches violently for a few moments* graciously spend on my wonderful little boys… *twitch*
Ariel: But we're going to see someone who'll help you… *her voice is soothing and she's actually managing to coax Kain into going*
Mom: Stop coddling him! Kain, you're going crazy so she's taking you to see a shrink!
Kain: *eyes water up* I-… I don't need a shrink! I'm perfectly sane!!!
Ariel: *blank stare* If you come, I'll get you a bunny…
Kain: *eyes her suspiciously* okay… but if you're lying…
So Ariel leads Kain and his mother to the vehicle. She, of course, cannot go, leaving Kain and his mother… alone… in a car…
Mom: Kain, you drive like a moron!
Kain: I'm sorry *twitch* mother…
Mom: Don't you 'I'm sorry, twitch, mother' me young man! You drive like crap! You stupid fricken moron! How did I ever get a kid like you!
Kain: *slams on the break* [censored] you! Huh? What the [censored]? *eyes widen in horror* No!!! Not censors!
Mom: That's right Kain! I've gotten sick of your damned potty mouth!
Kain: How come they don't censor you?!
Mom: *grins seductively* I have my ways…
Kain: *eyes widen again* oh my [censored] gawd… *stops paying attention to driving*
Mother: If we crash, I'm suing you.
Kain:… *twitch*
By pure coincidence, he crashes into the building where he's getting… help. They walk into the building and go into the third floor, where Kain is going to get… help…
Receptionist: Name please.
Kain: Kain.
Receptionist: Last name?
Kain:… the terrible?
Receptionist: *quirks an eyebrow*
Kain: Uhh…oh yeah! Kain the evil sadistic Vampire Lord.
Receptionist: *looks at a list* Oooh, our one o'clock. Looks like you're right on time. The doctor will see you shortly.
Kain: *sitting down reading a comic, while his mother is hitting on a patient whom just walked out*
Receptionist: Erh, Kain the evil sadistic Vampire Lord! *everyone looks at Kain*
Kain: … Okay… *walks towards the doctors room… thing…*
Dr.: Sit down and tell me what's- Kain?!? Dear god!!
Kain: Nupraptor?!?! *looks at him stupidly*
Dr. Nupraptor: *eyes narrow* Ahh… how is 'Mr. Kill off the smart guy and marry his true love'?
Kain: *whimpers* I'm gonna be going now… *rushes out of the room*
Dr. Nupraptor: Damn… I could of have fun…*sounds of a fight outside can be heard, and the door swings open. In walks Kain's mother, dragging a distraught Kain by the ear*
Mom: I paid for two hours, and you're damn well gonna use them!!!!
Kain: But- but- but-
Mom: I don't care if he's that ghosts ex!
Nupraptor: He's not going to tell me what's wrong… is he?
Mom: No, but I can. He hasn't been laid for years, and he can't raise his kids, and his neighbors hate him.
Nupraptor: Can you blame them?
Mom: Not at all. He's an insensitive jackass.
Kain: Mom…? I'm standing right here you know… *sniffles a little*
Mom: Shush up, Kainy-kins. Let mommy and the doctor talk about how horrible of a person you are.
Kain: *eyes widen* But-
Mom: I have soo many baby stories about him! You know, for the longest time all he would say was 'poopie'?
Nupraptor: Reeeaaalllly… I'm sure the other circle members would just love that little tidbit of information…
Kain: *moans and starts bashing his head against the wall*
Two hours later…
Mom: …and he just stood there, looking dumbfounded in his birthday suite!
Nupraptor: *sputters with laughter* That's great!!
Mother: And- oh. Drat. The time… shall I make another appointment?
Nupraptor: No need. I'll just bump my three o'clock. Now tell me more!
Mother: Oooh! He had so many bad habits!
Kain: *eyes widen in horror* Oh no…
Back at home…
Ariel: Zephon!! Put down Melchiah's head, right this instant!
Melchiah: *head is separated from his body* Yeah! *body is fumbling around*
Zephon/Demon: Gwah hahaa!!! Hey Melchiah! *singsong voice* Don't lose your heeaaad!!!
Melchiah: Bastard!!! *tries to bite Zephon's arm*
Zephon/Demon: Ha! Pathetic! Truly pathetic! *shakes Mel's head around*
Melchiah: Aaaariel!!! Help me!!!
Ariel: I can't do anyhting!! We'll have to wait until your brothers get home- wait! *looks into the living room where Kain's dad and Vorador are talking*
Vorador: Yeah. Kain really is lazy. He didn't raise his army, I raised his army. Lazy bastard. Say,- *Ariel floats in frantically*
Ariel: Kain's appointment was over at three, right?
Dad: Yeah, why?
Ariel: He should be home any minute then!
Half an hour later…
Ariel:… this can't be good…
Back to Kain and Nupraptor….
Nupraptor: Are you serious?!
Mom: Very serious! See his high school picture? *takes a picture out of her wallet* Nosgoth Senior High school! He was the geekiest there! *shows a picture of Kain with glasses, braces, and bad acne*
Kain: *with a bump on his head* Why me…? Why was I cursed with a mother like this…?
Mom: *glares intensely at Kain* You cursed with me?! You cursed with ME?!? You brat!!! I was the one cursed with a butt ugly, geeky son!! You were an accident!! You weren't even supposed to happen!! *awkward silence*
Kain: *eyes get all watery, and his bottom lip trembles* M-mummsies…?
Mom: Don't call me that!! I hate you, Kain! You're a bastard too! And it's the truth!! I wasn't married when I had you! You abomination of the earth! I knew you'd mess up big in the universe, but damning a whole world?! *starts to cry* You've ruined my life, Kain!! You stole 30 years that I can't have back! It's all your fault!!
Nupraptor: Shh!! *puts a comforting arm around Kain's mother* Lie down on the couch, and tell me alll about it. *sits in his chair and gets a notepad out*
Mom: Well, there was one time when he joined the chess club, and got mad at me when I said I wasn't his mother at the award ceremony when he got 'Chess player of the Year'.
Kain: But I was good at chess!! Really really goo-
Nupraptor: *hisses at Kain* What kind of geek likes chess?! I wouldn't be proud of my kid either! And let me guess, you were a teachers pet too? You stuttered, were tall and awkward, couldn't talk to girls, and couldn't run around the football track if your life depended on it?!
Kain: But- I-
Mom: You've done enough Kain!
Kain: I try, and I try! First, you hate me because I was a *gulp* geek… and when I grow up to become a Vampire Lord, and become powerful and well known and sexy, you still hate me!
Mom: *eyes narrow* Not once, ever in your longwinded speeches did you say 'I'd like to thank my mother and father…' now did you?
Kain: You never did any-
Nupraptor: Silence Kain! Your mother is right, now let her speak! She's been through a lot! Now please continue…
Back at home, the door swings open, and the five boys waltz into the house.
SR Raziel: What a day…
Turel: Indeed! I got a date with the Sarah Gwendel!
Dumah: Yes, yes. We know already.
V Raziel: Bah, if she's going out with you, then she's not worth anything.
Turel: Why I outta… *notices Melchiah's headless body stumbling around* whoa… where's his head?
Ariel: Thank gawd you five are here! Zephon took Melchiah's head upstairs, and threatened to call the ghost busters if I came up! You guys have to help him!
Rahab: Erh… okay…
Turel: Forget it. I'm going to go to my room and try to think of something to buy for Sarah… *sighs dreamily and walks up the stairs*
V Raziel: So what are we going to do? We can't just barge in. Who knows what he's doing to poor Melchiah?
Rahab: Well, I intend to save him. He's my only little bro… well, as aside from Zephon… but he doesn't count.
SR Raziel: Then what are we waiting for?! He's my only little brother too! Well… aside from all of you guys…Let's-
Turel: *comes down the stairs, fuming* Okay, who took my magazine collection?!
Rahab: You actually read? Wow, I think that feeling in the pit of my stomach is a little bit of respect for you!
Turel: Me? Read?! *bursts out laughing* Those magazines are more for pictures, if you get my drift… *wolfish grin*
Rahab: *sighs* I think that feeling is probably just indigestion.
Turel: That may be, but then who has my magazines…? *Melchiah starts to cry from upstairs, and Zephon is heard laughing maliciously. A long silence, and then the brothers race upstairs to save Melchiah*
Rahab: *pounding on the door* Open up, Zephon! Now!!! Leave poor Melchiah's innocence alone, you bastard!!
Zephon/Demon: *breaks the door down and races past them* Gaaaaah!!! He's eating me!!!!
SR Raziel: *blinks* Does the light in my eye sockets that serve as eyes deceive me? Or was Melchiah just eating Zephon?
Zephon/Demon: Eating me! Eating me!!!
Melchiah: Mrrpphhh!! *stops biting, and his head makes a dull thump as it hits the floor, and rolls around a bit* ouchies…
Turel: *picks up Melchiah's head* You okay?
Melchiah: *glares intensely* I've just been subjected to various scantily clad women, been decapitated, and been dropped on the floor. I'm friggen peachy!!!
Turel: Hey, no need to get all defensive. Sheesh. *carries Melchiah's head under his arm*
Melchiah: Ew!! Get some antiperspirant! !
Turel: *grinning* How come? Don't like my natural smell?
Ariel: *looks at Turel* Oh my… when is Kain going to get back here?
The door swings open, and 'Mom' walks in. Without Kain.
Ariel: Where's Kain?
Mom: Oh. Well, the doctor told me to forget about him. He's caused me severe trauma… *sniffles a little*
Ariel: But I thought the session was for Kain?!
Mom: It was. Oh, and Nupraptor sends his regards.
Ariel: Wha…? Oh god…
Bloodthirsty: *phew* It's done!!!
Kain: *blinks*
Legolas: *points at Kain and laughs*
Kain: *draws the Soul Reaver and chases Legolas around*
Bloodthirsty: Ah, bugger it. Too tired to split them up. Now, we just need to get them into leather thongs and some mud.
Kain and Legolas: *stop attacking each other and stare at Bloodthirsty* O.O;;;
Bloodthirsty: Hehe… sweet dreams, sweeties. *blows a kiss*
Kain and Legolas: *cowers*
I'm very cracked out. ^________^;;; so I'm allowed to be… odd… Hehehe…
Erh… Shoutouts!!
HealerAriel: *lmao* Poor Melchiah! Everything is against him! Gwah! Even me! …Your mom laughed at this…? *looks around* Heh… heheh… *nervous laugh* If she knew how old I was, she wouldn't… But thanks a lot for the review!
Rocker Baby: ^____^ Indeed it was enough! Thanks for the review!!!
Griz the Evil Overlord: Heehee, glad you like it! Keep on laughing!
IceCold: Heehee, interesting is what I want. And I got it from 'The exorcist'… hehe, couldn't resist. *pops her knuckles* Indeed I did!
Zephon Fan: Oooh!!!! Good! Very good indeed! Congrats, and I'm glad you're still with me! ^____^
MortalK55: Hehehe, when your zombie mother comes over to visit, one can only stay sane for so long, eh? Thanks for the review!
Jedi-And: Those are awesome ideas!!! Of course I'll use them! Thanks a lot! My mind is starting to concoct even more maliciously evil ideas! Thankies!!!
Chalcedony Blue: Wow! Twice! Heehee! Thankies so much! Oooh yes. Kain has definitely lost it, and Melchiah will never eat a parfait the same way again. *lol* I'm positive Kain doesn't feel the same about his mother. Heehee, of course Marcus is good luck! He's bald and cute! All bald cuties are good luck!
AimzNemesis, Sadistic Scorpion: Yay! ^______^;;; I'm glad people like this so much! Thankies!! People love me, they really love me!
Kain: No, they like seeing me in pain.
Bloodthirsty: Shhh!!! They love me!!!
Erh, thankies for the review! *tosses Mr. Floofy at you. Kain cries* Hehehe…
Silveress: I'm glad it made your crappy day better! *shudders* Eeeevil wisdom teeth. Why the hell do they call them that, and not 'pain in the ass' teeth? Erh… pain in the mouth… You get the just of it. *lol* And I promise they'll be in good physical condition… though I make no promises on mental. *evil grin*
Demon Hunter Anamae: Yay! Outter space cannot stop me! Take that you Martian! You'll never stop me!!! *gets strange looks from her readers* Erh… Melchiah… poor Melchiah. He'll never be the same again. Hehe, *tosses a Marcus plushie* He says 'Destroy him my puppets!' in the oh-so-sexy voice of his when you squeeze his tummy! And who knew Kain was artistic?
Angel-Chan: Hee, everyone loves Legolas! *lol* They were just talking backwards to eachother. And I'm glad it's fun to read this! *squeee!!* Gollum is so cute! Isn't he, Legolas?
Legolas: Not when she's doing it, and I'm 'my precioussss'! *cowers*
Bloodthirsty: Hehehe… See how much fun it is? Let's make them allll our precioussss's…
Zephon Fan: How the [censored] do you review so many times?! Not that I'm complaining, mind you… it always barks at me, and says fido won't let me. Damn fido. Ah well. And yes, you did give me the idea. Thankies!!!
Elashana: ^__________^ Yay! Thankies for the review! And definitely! That's the best part of writing humor! Putting them in situations and manipulating them into doing whatever you want… Like, Kain, in that leather thong I've been talking about. Gwahahahaha! Send him out to the fan girls wearing that! *chuckles sinisterly*
HealerAriel: Two reviews?! Thankies!!!! And Legolas!
Legolas: What?
Bloodthirsty: HealerAriel loves you.
Legolas: *sigh* Who doesn't?
Kain: Me!!
Bloodthirsty: Shaddap! I'm not done with my reviewers!
Fallen Templer: Hehehe, that would probably give Kain his sanity back, but where's the fun in that? *lol*! Thanks for the review!
Bloodthirsty: Okay, I'm done. Thankies for the reviews!!! Moebius dolls for everyone!
Kain: What the [censored]?! God[censored] censors! ___!! Why would you give them Moebius dolls!?
Bloodthirsty: Because they're voodoo dolls, and come with pins! ^______^ Enjoy!