CHAPTER FIVE
"Tell. Me. Where. The. All-Seeing. Mystical. Oracle. Of. Rivendell. Is. Now. Or. Else. I. Will. KILL YOU!"
"Listen you foul smelling, emu-riding, freak. I do not, nor have I ever known what the all-seeing mystical oracle of Rivendell is. I. Do. Not. Know. Can you get this through your miniscule head? Or has all the emu-riding rattled your tiny brain so much that you cannot comprehend what I am saying? And you know what? Beating me to a bloody pulp is not going to help, either. I do not know about any all-seeing mystical oracle of Rivendell. I don't, I Don't, I DON'T!" Bran screamed for the five hundredth time.
"She lies." A wispy voice came from the corner of the huge, dark room.
"Lord Saurman." The head thing/man gasped, and lowered to one knee.
A woman stepped out of the corner. Bran gasped.
"Lord Saurman? I thought they said you were SON of Saruman."
"I am."
"Oh. Okay. The Michael Jackson dynamic. Carry on then."
"As I was saying.... She lies. I know for a fact that she and Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood are romantically involved."
"And what does this have to do with the oracle? Legolas doesn't even LIVE in Rivendell." Bran said.
"Shut up, you're ruining my evil plan." Saurman snapped.
"Oh, by the way, who told you this?" Bran said.
"My emu, of course."
"Man, what have you been sniffing?"
"Sniffing?"
"Huffing."
"Pardon?"
"Nevermind."
"Head Thing/Man, continue the beatings until she either gives up the information, or dies."
"Yeah, which ever comes first." Bran said, rolling her eyes.
"Yes, yes. Carry on."
********
Aragorn, Legolas, Lily, and Sulel had been walking in silence ever since that huge argument between Lily and Sulel. Partly because Aragorn had been deprived of nutrients so long his cells began to eat his brain. So he developed a very possessive *thing* towards his cereal spoon. In fact, he dressed in a baseball cap and sneakers and called it Johnny.
"Hey, you guys." Lily said.
"What?"
"We're lost."
"Ahh, damn."
"Well, where are we, Johnny my precioussssssss??" Aragorn asked his spoon.
"Hey, you guys..."
"What now?"
"Where's Lucky?"
"Lucky?" Aragorn asked.
"Yeah, the black dog we had with us."
"Oh! You mean that pretty dog we sent back with the girl scouts?"
"Girl Scouts?"
"Oh, yes. The pointy-eared girl scouts who told us that we'd had that lovely little dog too long. Oh yes, my preciousssssssssss."
"Maybe that's why we're lost."
"Elves are NOT girl scouts!"
"Coulda fooled me."
"Shut up, both of you!"
"It's too damn dark in here..."
*********
The head thing/man was about to blow a gasket. "Just tell me where it is.... Please?"
Bran looked sympathetic. "I'm sorry. But I really don't know anything."
With that, the thing/man burst into tears. "I'm gonna lose my job! Where will my wife and kids live?"
"You have a wife? Ewww..... poor her. Oh, I mean, I'm sorry. I really am. But I just don't know. Damn, your kids must be ugly."
********
"So where are we?" Lily asked for the three hundred billionth time.
"The mines of Moria!" Legolas answered for the three hundred billionth time. Now it was Lily who was being the dumbass.
"How'd we get here?"
To this, Legolas had no real answer, because he didn't know himself, so he said the first thing that came to mind.
"It was HIM! Aragorn! He and his stupid cereal spoon transported us here so we would all starve and he could eat us!"
"Legolas, calm down. It's okay. Breathe deep." Sulel instructed.
"Right, right.... AHHHH!"
A resounding 'roar' echoed throughout all the cave/mine thingy.
"It's the BALROG!" Legolas screeched.
"I thought it was dead." Aragorn commented.
"Yay!" Lily yelled. "Fluffy Sweetums!"
"Fluffy Sweetums?" All three men asked, Aragorn adding a 'my precioussssss' on the end.
"Yeah! Bran and I renamed the Balrog Fluffy Sweetums because he's so darn cute!"
"Cute?!" Legolas exclaimed.
"Well, Bran said it first, but you know, he does seem to grow on you."
"Hello." Said a creepy voice behind them. All four whipped around.
"SARAH!" Lily screamed and hugged the poor little goblin, and had to be pried off by Legolas.
The goblin brushed himself off. Yes, I said himself.
"I was about to say; keeper of the Balrog, but Sarah will do fine."
"Sarah?" Sulel asked.
"Bran's idea. It grew on me." Lily said. Then she turned back to Sarah the he-goblin. "Could you and Fluffy Sweetums please show us the way out of here?"
"Got an English muffin?"
Lily elbowed Aragorn, who looked in his pack. "Heeeeeeeey, look, an English muffin, my preciousssssssssssssssssss-ooph!" He grunted when again Lily elbowed him in the ribs. She took the yummy English muffin and handed it to the confused looking goblin.
"Here you go!"
"Yum.... English muffin-y."
"Yeah, yeah, can we just get out of here?" Sulel asked impatiently.
Sarah looked up with a mouthful of muffin. "Oh, yeah. Go straight, then take a right at the fifty foot gap between the stairs, right, left, then right again, until you reach a bridge, then double back and ask me again."
At the aggravated glares he was receiving, he sighed and pointed to an open door two feet away from the foursome. "Or, you could just go through there."
Lily smiled. "Thank you, Sarah!"
"Anytime." The goblin said before hobbling back into the hellish bowels of the mines of Moria again.
"Waste of a perfectly good English muffin. I could've found that." Sulel grumbled.
"Our muffin, my preciousssssssssssssss-ooph!" With that, Aragorn tripped on a rock and went careening down the mountains and through the fields until he reached the forest of Lothlorien.
"Oh, goody."
*********
"Well, it all started when I was six. My father never hugged me once. My mom was always making excuses for him. That really does some damage to a kid's mind, you know? I guess that's when I started getting violent."
"That's good. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." Bran said to the head thing/man.
"Head Thing/Man, what on middle-earth is going on here?" A feminine voice wafted from a dark corner.
"Lord Saurman, I'm so sorry." Thing/man said, leaping up from the couch he had been lying on.
"That'll be five hundred dollars please." Bran said pleasantly from the position chained up on the wall.
"Five hundred dollars!? That's shit!"
********
"Lothlorien!" Legolas, Sulel, and Lily whispered, mystified.
"NOOO! My preciousssssssssss!" Aragorn wailed. His poor Johnny the cereal spoon had become bent and not shiny. "He's dead!"
"Who's dead?" A slightly familiar female voice asked.
All four turned around to see....
~~~~~~
Ha ha. Cliffhanger. Who is it, do you suppose? Anyway, disclaimer time! I don't own Lord of the Rings. Nope. Never have, never will.
So don't sue me. And thank you to Asa for reviewing and to Legalan Greenleaf and Green and Silver for encouraging me to put this
chapter up (hi you guys!)
Well, the next chapter shall be up quite soon, but until then, feel free to contact me via e-mail at; heckyuki@yahoo.com OR you can
review by clicking on that handy little button at the bottom of your screen.
Bye bye!
~Molly of Ozz
"Tell. Me. Where. The. All-Seeing. Mystical. Oracle. Of. Rivendell. Is. Now. Or. Else. I. Will. KILL YOU!"
"Listen you foul smelling, emu-riding, freak. I do not, nor have I ever known what the all-seeing mystical oracle of Rivendell is. I. Do. Not. Know. Can you get this through your miniscule head? Or has all the emu-riding rattled your tiny brain so much that you cannot comprehend what I am saying? And you know what? Beating me to a bloody pulp is not going to help, either. I do not know about any all-seeing mystical oracle of Rivendell. I don't, I Don't, I DON'T!" Bran screamed for the five hundredth time.
"She lies." A wispy voice came from the corner of the huge, dark room.
"Lord Saurman." The head thing/man gasped, and lowered to one knee.
A woman stepped out of the corner. Bran gasped.
"Lord Saurman? I thought they said you were SON of Saruman."
"I am."
"Oh. Okay. The Michael Jackson dynamic. Carry on then."
"As I was saying.... She lies. I know for a fact that she and Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood are romantically involved."
"And what does this have to do with the oracle? Legolas doesn't even LIVE in Rivendell." Bran said.
"Shut up, you're ruining my evil plan." Saurman snapped.
"Oh, by the way, who told you this?" Bran said.
"My emu, of course."
"Man, what have you been sniffing?"
"Sniffing?"
"Huffing."
"Pardon?"
"Nevermind."
"Head Thing/Man, continue the beatings until she either gives up the information, or dies."
"Yeah, which ever comes first." Bran said, rolling her eyes.
"Yes, yes. Carry on."
********
Aragorn, Legolas, Lily, and Sulel had been walking in silence ever since that huge argument between Lily and Sulel. Partly because Aragorn had been deprived of nutrients so long his cells began to eat his brain. So he developed a very possessive *thing* towards his cereal spoon. In fact, he dressed in a baseball cap and sneakers and called it Johnny.
"Hey, you guys." Lily said.
"What?"
"We're lost."
"Ahh, damn."
"Well, where are we, Johnny my precioussssssss??" Aragorn asked his spoon.
"Hey, you guys..."
"What now?"
"Where's Lucky?"
"Lucky?" Aragorn asked.
"Yeah, the black dog we had with us."
"Oh! You mean that pretty dog we sent back with the girl scouts?"
"Girl Scouts?"
"Oh, yes. The pointy-eared girl scouts who told us that we'd had that lovely little dog too long. Oh yes, my preciousssssssssss."
"Maybe that's why we're lost."
"Elves are NOT girl scouts!"
"Coulda fooled me."
"Shut up, both of you!"
"It's too damn dark in here..."
*********
The head thing/man was about to blow a gasket. "Just tell me where it is.... Please?"
Bran looked sympathetic. "I'm sorry. But I really don't know anything."
With that, the thing/man burst into tears. "I'm gonna lose my job! Where will my wife and kids live?"
"You have a wife? Ewww..... poor her. Oh, I mean, I'm sorry. I really am. But I just don't know. Damn, your kids must be ugly."
********
"So where are we?" Lily asked for the three hundred billionth time.
"The mines of Moria!" Legolas answered for the three hundred billionth time. Now it was Lily who was being the dumbass.
"How'd we get here?"
To this, Legolas had no real answer, because he didn't know himself, so he said the first thing that came to mind.
"It was HIM! Aragorn! He and his stupid cereal spoon transported us here so we would all starve and he could eat us!"
"Legolas, calm down. It's okay. Breathe deep." Sulel instructed.
"Right, right.... AHHHH!"
A resounding 'roar' echoed throughout all the cave/mine thingy.
"It's the BALROG!" Legolas screeched.
"I thought it was dead." Aragorn commented.
"Yay!" Lily yelled. "Fluffy Sweetums!"
"Fluffy Sweetums?" All three men asked, Aragorn adding a 'my precioussssss' on the end.
"Yeah! Bran and I renamed the Balrog Fluffy Sweetums because he's so darn cute!"
"Cute?!" Legolas exclaimed.
"Well, Bran said it first, but you know, he does seem to grow on you."
"Hello." Said a creepy voice behind them. All four whipped around.
"SARAH!" Lily screamed and hugged the poor little goblin, and had to be pried off by Legolas.
The goblin brushed himself off. Yes, I said himself.
"I was about to say; keeper of the Balrog, but Sarah will do fine."
"Sarah?" Sulel asked.
"Bran's idea. It grew on me." Lily said. Then she turned back to Sarah the he-goblin. "Could you and Fluffy Sweetums please show us the way out of here?"
"Got an English muffin?"
Lily elbowed Aragorn, who looked in his pack. "Heeeeeeeey, look, an English muffin, my preciousssssssssssssssssss-ooph!" He grunted when again Lily elbowed him in the ribs. She took the yummy English muffin and handed it to the confused looking goblin.
"Here you go!"
"Yum.... English muffin-y."
"Yeah, yeah, can we just get out of here?" Sulel asked impatiently.
Sarah looked up with a mouthful of muffin. "Oh, yeah. Go straight, then take a right at the fifty foot gap between the stairs, right, left, then right again, until you reach a bridge, then double back and ask me again."
At the aggravated glares he was receiving, he sighed and pointed to an open door two feet away from the foursome. "Or, you could just go through there."
Lily smiled. "Thank you, Sarah!"
"Anytime." The goblin said before hobbling back into the hellish bowels of the mines of Moria again.
"Waste of a perfectly good English muffin. I could've found that." Sulel grumbled.
"Our muffin, my preciousssssssssssssss-ooph!" With that, Aragorn tripped on a rock and went careening down the mountains and through the fields until he reached the forest of Lothlorien.
"Oh, goody."
*********
"Well, it all started when I was six. My father never hugged me once. My mom was always making excuses for him. That really does some damage to a kid's mind, you know? I guess that's when I started getting violent."
"That's good. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." Bran said to the head thing/man.
"Head Thing/Man, what on middle-earth is going on here?" A feminine voice wafted from a dark corner.
"Lord Saurman, I'm so sorry." Thing/man said, leaping up from the couch he had been lying on.
"That'll be five hundred dollars please." Bran said pleasantly from the position chained up on the wall.
"Five hundred dollars!? That's shit!"
********
"Lothlorien!" Legolas, Sulel, and Lily whispered, mystified.
"NOOO! My preciousssssssssss!" Aragorn wailed. His poor Johnny the cereal spoon had become bent and not shiny. "He's dead!"
"Who's dead?" A slightly familiar female voice asked.
All four turned around to see....
~~~~~~
Ha ha. Cliffhanger. Who is it, do you suppose? Anyway, disclaimer time! I don't own Lord of the Rings. Nope. Never have, never will.
So don't sue me. And thank you to Asa for reviewing and to Legalan Greenleaf and Green and Silver for encouraging me to put this
chapter up (hi you guys!)
Well, the next chapter shall be up quite soon, but until then, feel free to contact me via e-mail at; heckyuki@yahoo.com OR you can
review by clicking on that handy little button at the bottom of your screen.
Bye bye!
~Molly of Ozz