CHAPTER SIX
"Arwen?"
"Yes. Who's dead?"
"My preciousssssssssss..." Aragorn wailed again.
"Well, thank you, Estel." Arwen said, looking fairly flattered. "I never knew I meant so much to you, but I'm not dead."
"He's not talking about you." Lily said flatly. "He's talking about his cereal spoon."
"Cereal spoon?" Arwen asked blankly.
"Yup. His precious Johnny over there." Lily told her.
Arwen's eyes began to water. "How could I have?" She wailed, and joined Aragorn on the ground. "I'm so sorry, Estel, my love. That is no ordinary cereal spoon. That is the master cereal spoon, forged to rule all others. Unfortunately, it also poisons your mind. Oh my dear sweet love, what have I done to you?"
"You poisoned his mind?" Legolas asked incredulously.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Arwen snapped defensively.
"Jeez, and I thought it was bad when Lauretta poisoned Daddy's steak." Lily said. Everyone, including Aragorn, stared at her strangely.
"Well, how do we rid ourselves of this tremendous evil?" Sulel finally asked.
"We must go on a quest!" Arwen shouted.
"A quest?" Lily repeated. "We're already on a quest, to save Bran!"
Arwen scowled. "That stupid girl who got wine and octopus all over me?"
"I think it was squid, actually, but other than that, yeah."
"I don't want to save her."
Aragorn whimpered, and Arwen's look softened. "But for the sake of my dear, sweet love, I shall accompany you."
Lily rolled her eyes.
"So, how do we destroy the master cereal spoon?" Legolas asked.
"We must send it back within the fiery chasm of the Cap'n Crunch factory!"
Lily gave Arwen an odd look. "This quest just keeps getting better and better...."
The, now, quintet all walked into the forest of LOTHLORIEN (dun dun duh!).
"You're so pretty, yes you are, yes you are. You're one sexy bastard."
"Legolas?" Lily leaned over and whispered to him.
"Yeah?"
"What's that?"
"I don't know..."
The five walked deeper into the forest, and the praising voice became louder and louder until...
"GIMLI?"
The dwarf was sitting on the ground with a silver hand mirror in front of his face. His normally 'macho' looking hair was done up in pink bows and ribbons and he was wearing a frilly blue apron and oven mitts that looked like dinosaurs.
"O-oh. Hi, Legolas, Aragorn, Arwen, Sulel, and weird looking girl."
"HEY!"
"Gimli, what in heaven's name are you doing?" Legolas asked, appalled at his now ex-friend.
"Oh, uhm, nothing." The dwarf replied innocently, quickly ripping off the apron and shoving it behind his back. "Nothing at all."
"Gimli? Gimli?" A sweet voice called. All of them turned around to see Haldir approaching.
"Oh, you didn't tell me you had company. Hello everyone!" He said pleasantly.
Legolas stared for a moment, then curled up in a fetal position on the ground. Sulel kept hitting his forehead and muttering "....bad mental image, bad mental image..." Both Arwen and Aragorn looked sick, and Lily was grinning ear to ear.
"Oh, this is too perfect!" She giggled. And then the giggle turned into a chuckle, which turned into a laugh, which turned into a guffaw. By the time everyone else collected themselves, she was rolling around on the ground with mirth.
Legolas quickly grabbed her arm and everyone ran out of the dreaded forest at top speeds, except for Lily who had to stop every five minutes to clutch her sides in laughter.
Gimli looked at Haldir. Haldir looked at Gimli.
"Do you think they know that we're just getting ready for the annual Lothlorien barbeque cook off?"
*********
"Go fish." The Head Thing/Man said.
Bran picked up a card from the deck.
"Got any sevens?" The head thing/man asked.
"Go fish..."
*********
"Amon Hen!" Aragorn announced grandly. Arwen had been nursing him back to health so that he almost had his full mind back.
"CLUCK, CLUCK!"
Almost.
"Aragorn?" A voice asked from off to the side. For the third time in this story, everyone in the company whipped around to see...
"BOROMIR?!"
"You're dead!" Legolas yelled.
"No, I'm not. I never was." Boromir said acidly.
FLASHBACK:
Aragorn: Get in the rowboat, Boromir.
Boromir: I'm not dead!
Legolas: He says he's not dead.
Aragorn: Yes he is.
Boromir: I'm not!
Legolas: He's not?
Aragorn: He will be very soon. He's been hit three times with arrows.
Boromir: I'm getting better! *Thumps chest to prove it* Ow…
Aragorn: No, you're not. You'll be dead in a moment.
Legolas: You can't put him in a boat and send him over a waterfall. It's unethical.
Boromir: I don't want to go off a waterfall….
Aragorn: Quit being such a sissy.
Legolas: You just can't, Aragorn. It's cruelty to animals. Moreover, we have to go rescue the hobbits from sheer doom and destruction.
Boromir: I'm not an animal!
Legolas: Shut up, Grease Monkey.
Boromir: Well, I feel fine!
Aragorn: The hobbits can wait, he'll croak off in a moment.
Boromir: You, know, I think I'll go save the hobbits by myself.
Aragorn: You're not fooling anyone.
Legolas: Fine, fine. For the sake of the quest, we'll send him over the waterfall.
Boromir: No! No! I'm just fine. *Sings* I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! Pretty and witty and gay! C'mon guys! Please?
Aragorn: Bye, bye. We'll miss you. You were a good man.
Legolas: Alright, let's get going.
Boromir: *Going over the waterfall* I'm OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
END FLASHBACK AND SCRIPT FORM
"Ohh... I remember that." Legolas said.
"So do I." Boromir spat angrily.
"I don't." Aragorn said confusedly.
Boromir hit him on the head with a rock.
"Now I do!"
"You put a live man over a waterfall?" Arwen asked.
Legolas nodded.
"Oh. Well, now I don't feel so bad about poisoning Aragorn's mind!"
Lily smirked.
"Well, I'm sorry, Boromir." Legolas said contritely.
"Oh... well, apology accepted. But I still hate Aragorn, SO, I shall KILL HIM!" Boromir cried, and whipped out from behind his back, a sharp pointy...... stick.
"NO!" Arwen cried, and jumped in front of Boromir. Who hadn't moved. "Take me instead!"
Boromir shrugged. "Okay." He took the blunt end of the stick and gently shoved Arwen over a waterfall, which just happened to appear.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed as she hit the bottom of the.... three-foot high waterfall.
Lily couldn't help it. She laughed.
Aragorn looked over the edge of the waterfall. "Oh, poor Arwen." Legolas joined him on the edge. "Yeah, she had our food." He sighed. He turned to Boromir. "Wanna take Arwen's place in the quest?"
Boromir smiled happily. "Okay. And Aragorn, all is forgiven."
Lily and Sulel (who had since declared a truce), meanwhile, had been quietly making BLT (bacon, lettuce, and tomato, yummy.) sandwiches in the corner. "BLT?" She asked. There was a general mumble of approval. "Oh, yeah, definitely."
*********
"Man, I'm hungry." Bran said.
"Cap'n Crunch?" Thing/Man offered.
"Cap'n Crunch?" Bran repeated.
"Yeah. Milord Saurman has an affinity for it. The tower we're in is built over a Cap'n Crunch factory so he'd never run out."
"How interesting!" Bran exclaimed politely. Politely... hmm... what's wrong with this picture? "Saurman's stupid." That's better.
"Yes..." Thing/Man sighed wistfully. "I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch myself."
*********
"Instead of going around to Rohan, let's just take Frodo's way." Lily suggested.
"Oh... I wanted to see Eowyn." Aragorn said disappointedly.
"You're supposed to be in mourning." Boromir reminded him.
"Hello?" Arwen asked from her vantage point behind Aragorn.
"Oh, yes. It's almost like I can hear Arwen's voice calling me now..."
"You stupid dolt! I'm right here!"
"The mind can play tricks on a grieving man." Legolas said consolingly.
"LOOK AT ME!!!!!!" Arwen screamed.
"Ah, I know Legolas. You are right. But still, I would give anything to see her lovely face again."
"Look behind you, dunderhead." Arwen said flatly.
"That's funny. It's almost like I can hear Arwen's voice, too." Boromir remarked lightly.
"Let's make camp." Sulel suggested. "And rest our weary minds."
Lily rolled her eyes, but said nothing.
*********
"HEAD THING/MAN! YOU IMCOMPETANT BUMBLING FOOL!!!!" Lord Saurman of the Cap'n Crunch factory screamed in his uncomfortablely high falsetto. "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FINDING OUT WHERE THE MYSTICAL ALL-SEEING ORACLE OF RIVENDELL IS! BUT INSTEAD I FIND YOU HERE EATING CHINESE TAKE OUT WITH THE PRISONER!!!!!!"
"And it's damn good take-out at that." Bran added.
"Chicken chow mien?" Thing/Man offered. Saurman sighed defeatedly. "Got any sweet and sour shrimp?"
~~~~~~~~
Hello everyone! Molly of Ozz here! Hope you like this chapter and thank you very much to Asa (again) for reviewing. Oh, by the way, Asa gets a cookie (and other various assorted snack foods), for reviewing so much! Oh, you just make Legalan and my days! Thank you SO much! Oh, and yes…. Lord of the Rings does not belong to either myself or Legalan it never has, but someday I might just be rich enough to buy the rights to it, so then it WOULD be mine!!! *evil laughter ensues* Oh, and the 'I'm not dead yet' Boromir scene was based on that one scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Which I do not own. Anyway, please review!
"Arwen?"
"Yes. Who's dead?"
"My preciousssssssssss..." Aragorn wailed again.
"Well, thank you, Estel." Arwen said, looking fairly flattered. "I never knew I meant so much to you, but I'm not dead."
"He's not talking about you." Lily said flatly. "He's talking about his cereal spoon."
"Cereal spoon?" Arwen asked blankly.
"Yup. His precious Johnny over there." Lily told her.
Arwen's eyes began to water. "How could I have?" She wailed, and joined Aragorn on the ground. "I'm so sorry, Estel, my love. That is no ordinary cereal spoon. That is the master cereal spoon, forged to rule all others. Unfortunately, it also poisons your mind. Oh my dear sweet love, what have I done to you?"
"You poisoned his mind?" Legolas asked incredulously.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Arwen snapped defensively.
"Jeez, and I thought it was bad when Lauretta poisoned Daddy's steak." Lily said. Everyone, including Aragorn, stared at her strangely.
"Well, how do we rid ourselves of this tremendous evil?" Sulel finally asked.
"We must go on a quest!" Arwen shouted.
"A quest?" Lily repeated. "We're already on a quest, to save Bran!"
Arwen scowled. "That stupid girl who got wine and octopus all over me?"
"I think it was squid, actually, but other than that, yeah."
"I don't want to save her."
Aragorn whimpered, and Arwen's look softened. "But for the sake of my dear, sweet love, I shall accompany you."
Lily rolled her eyes.
"So, how do we destroy the master cereal spoon?" Legolas asked.
"We must send it back within the fiery chasm of the Cap'n Crunch factory!"
Lily gave Arwen an odd look. "This quest just keeps getting better and better...."
The, now, quintet all walked into the forest of LOTHLORIEN (dun dun duh!).
"You're so pretty, yes you are, yes you are. You're one sexy bastard."
"Legolas?" Lily leaned over and whispered to him.
"Yeah?"
"What's that?"
"I don't know..."
The five walked deeper into the forest, and the praising voice became louder and louder until...
"GIMLI?"
The dwarf was sitting on the ground with a silver hand mirror in front of his face. His normally 'macho' looking hair was done up in pink bows and ribbons and he was wearing a frilly blue apron and oven mitts that looked like dinosaurs.
"O-oh. Hi, Legolas, Aragorn, Arwen, Sulel, and weird looking girl."
"HEY!"
"Gimli, what in heaven's name are you doing?" Legolas asked, appalled at his now ex-friend.
"Oh, uhm, nothing." The dwarf replied innocently, quickly ripping off the apron and shoving it behind his back. "Nothing at all."
"Gimli? Gimli?" A sweet voice called. All of them turned around to see Haldir approaching.
"Oh, you didn't tell me you had company. Hello everyone!" He said pleasantly.
Legolas stared for a moment, then curled up in a fetal position on the ground. Sulel kept hitting his forehead and muttering "....bad mental image, bad mental image..." Both Arwen and Aragorn looked sick, and Lily was grinning ear to ear.
"Oh, this is too perfect!" She giggled. And then the giggle turned into a chuckle, which turned into a laugh, which turned into a guffaw. By the time everyone else collected themselves, she was rolling around on the ground with mirth.
Legolas quickly grabbed her arm and everyone ran out of the dreaded forest at top speeds, except for Lily who had to stop every five minutes to clutch her sides in laughter.
Gimli looked at Haldir. Haldir looked at Gimli.
"Do you think they know that we're just getting ready for the annual Lothlorien barbeque cook off?"
*********
"Go fish." The Head Thing/Man said.
Bran picked up a card from the deck.
"Got any sevens?" The head thing/man asked.
"Go fish..."
*********
"Amon Hen!" Aragorn announced grandly. Arwen had been nursing him back to health so that he almost had his full mind back.
"CLUCK, CLUCK!"
Almost.
"Aragorn?" A voice asked from off to the side. For the third time in this story, everyone in the company whipped around to see...
"BOROMIR?!"
"You're dead!" Legolas yelled.
"No, I'm not. I never was." Boromir said acidly.
FLASHBACK:
Aragorn: Get in the rowboat, Boromir.
Boromir: I'm not dead!
Legolas: He says he's not dead.
Aragorn: Yes he is.
Boromir: I'm not!
Legolas: He's not?
Aragorn: He will be very soon. He's been hit three times with arrows.
Boromir: I'm getting better! *Thumps chest to prove it* Ow…
Aragorn: No, you're not. You'll be dead in a moment.
Legolas: You can't put him in a boat and send him over a waterfall. It's unethical.
Boromir: I don't want to go off a waterfall….
Aragorn: Quit being such a sissy.
Legolas: You just can't, Aragorn. It's cruelty to animals. Moreover, we have to go rescue the hobbits from sheer doom and destruction.
Boromir: I'm not an animal!
Legolas: Shut up, Grease Monkey.
Boromir: Well, I feel fine!
Aragorn: The hobbits can wait, he'll croak off in a moment.
Boromir: You, know, I think I'll go save the hobbits by myself.
Aragorn: You're not fooling anyone.
Legolas: Fine, fine. For the sake of the quest, we'll send him over the waterfall.
Boromir: No! No! I'm just fine. *Sings* I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! Pretty and witty and gay! C'mon guys! Please?
Aragorn: Bye, bye. We'll miss you. You were a good man.
Legolas: Alright, let's get going.
Boromir: *Going over the waterfall* I'm OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
END FLASHBACK AND SCRIPT FORM
"Ohh... I remember that." Legolas said.
"So do I." Boromir spat angrily.
"I don't." Aragorn said confusedly.
Boromir hit him on the head with a rock.
"Now I do!"
"You put a live man over a waterfall?" Arwen asked.
Legolas nodded.
"Oh. Well, now I don't feel so bad about poisoning Aragorn's mind!"
Lily smirked.
"Well, I'm sorry, Boromir." Legolas said contritely.
"Oh... well, apology accepted. But I still hate Aragorn, SO, I shall KILL HIM!" Boromir cried, and whipped out from behind his back, a sharp pointy...... stick.
"NO!" Arwen cried, and jumped in front of Boromir. Who hadn't moved. "Take me instead!"
Boromir shrugged. "Okay." He took the blunt end of the stick and gently shoved Arwen over a waterfall, which just happened to appear.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed as she hit the bottom of the.... three-foot high waterfall.
Lily couldn't help it. She laughed.
Aragorn looked over the edge of the waterfall. "Oh, poor Arwen." Legolas joined him on the edge. "Yeah, she had our food." He sighed. He turned to Boromir. "Wanna take Arwen's place in the quest?"
Boromir smiled happily. "Okay. And Aragorn, all is forgiven."
Lily and Sulel (who had since declared a truce), meanwhile, had been quietly making BLT (bacon, lettuce, and tomato, yummy.) sandwiches in the corner. "BLT?" She asked. There was a general mumble of approval. "Oh, yeah, definitely."
*********
"Man, I'm hungry." Bran said.
"Cap'n Crunch?" Thing/Man offered.
"Cap'n Crunch?" Bran repeated.
"Yeah. Milord Saurman has an affinity for it. The tower we're in is built over a Cap'n Crunch factory so he'd never run out."
"How interesting!" Bran exclaimed politely. Politely... hmm... what's wrong with this picture? "Saurman's stupid." That's better.
"Yes..." Thing/Man sighed wistfully. "I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch myself."
*********
"Instead of going around to Rohan, let's just take Frodo's way." Lily suggested.
"Oh... I wanted to see Eowyn." Aragorn said disappointedly.
"You're supposed to be in mourning." Boromir reminded him.
"Hello?" Arwen asked from her vantage point behind Aragorn.
"Oh, yes. It's almost like I can hear Arwen's voice calling me now..."
"You stupid dolt! I'm right here!"
"The mind can play tricks on a grieving man." Legolas said consolingly.
"LOOK AT ME!!!!!!" Arwen screamed.
"Ah, I know Legolas. You are right. But still, I would give anything to see her lovely face again."
"Look behind you, dunderhead." Arwen said flatly.
"That's funny. It's almost like I can hear Arwen's voice, too." Boromir remarked lightly.
"Let's make camp." Sulel suggested. "And rest our weary minds."
Lily rolled her eyes, but said nothing.
*********
"HEAD THING/MAN! YOU IMCOMPETANT BUMBLING FOOL!!!!" Lord Saurman of the Cap'n Crunch factory screamed in his uncomfortablely high falsetto. "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FINDING OUT WHERE THE MYSTICAL ALL-SEEING ORACLE OF RIVENDELL IS! BUT INSTEAD I FIND YOU HERE EATING CHINESE TAKE OUT WITH THE PRISONER!!!!!!"
"And it's damn good take-out at that." Bran added.
"Chicken chow mien?" Thing/Man offered. Saurman sighed defeatedly. "Got any sweet and sour shrimp?"
~~~~~~~~
Hello everyone! Molly of Ozz here! Hope you like this chapter and thank you very much to Asa (again) for reviewing. Oh, by the way, Asa gets a cookie (and other various assorted snack foods), for reviewing so much! Oh, you just make Legalan and my days! Thank you SO much! Oh, and yes…. Lord of the Rings does not belong to either myself or Legalan it never has, but someday I might just be rich enough to buy the rights to it, so then it WOULD be mine!!! *evil laughter ensues* Oh, and the 'I'm not dead yet' Boromir scene was based on that one scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Which I do not own. Anyway, please review!