Battle of the Bishies.
by Reanna King
PART TWO: The Strength Competition.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm starting this part the same day I wrote the introduction. I actually sat down and calculated the possible scores of each character in each event, but those may change. I have an idea how I'll end this, and if you know me well enough and if you've read enough of my work, you may be able to figure out who wins.... And of course, Akio's "sword" joke is stolen from episode three of Ecchi Adventures. OK, let's get started!
CHIBI REANNA: Now the contest is finally getting underway! Our first event will be in strength! I'll let the judge of this event, Lina Inverse, explain how this contest will work! Unfortunately, because of the dangerousness of this event, we can't hold it here. Instead, we have a camera crew out in a desert in the middle of no where, where no one (except the competitors) will get hurt! (she gestures to a screen up above the stage, where we can see LINA and the twelve competitors)
LINA: (Thanks, CR! In this event, each character has to fight me! Naturally, the longer you last, the more points you get. You get one point for every six seconds that you can hold out against me. After a minute, you get the full ten points. Since I can kick all your butts, you're allowed to use whatever physical or metaphysical abilities you have against me! Up first is my good "pal," Xelloss! (turns to XEL) Ready, Xelloss?
XELLOSS: (nods) Ganbarimashou, Lina-san! (holds his staff at the ready)
(THE BELL RINGS, AND A CLOCK BEGINS COUNTING DOWN FROM 60)
XELLOSS: Here I come, Lina!
(XELLOSS does the swish-swish teleport thing toward LINA, but LINA conks him on the head just as he reaches her. XELLOSS takes his staff and trips LINA)
LINA: That does it! MEGA BRAND!
(HUGE EXPLOSION)
CHIBI REANNA: (back in the studio) Wow, this is already a very heated battle!
(Explosions obscure the action on the screen)
UTENA: Huh? What's going on?
NANAKA: I can't see a thing!
CHIBI REANNA: Uhh... dead air... oh no... uh... some information on Xelloss, after the death of Maryuuoh Gaav and Hellmaster Phibrizzo, Xelloss ranked as the fourth strongest Mazoku under the Dark Lord Shabranigdo, which makes him a strong contender in--
MILFA: Look, the smoke is clearing!
(BACK IN THE DESERT)
LINA: ... and that's why, no matter how bad life seems, you should never give up on it! Life is a precious and wonderful thing, because the world is filled with happy people, who, deep down, really love everyone and everything else!
(XELLOSS is lying in the sand, looking very pale)
XELLOSS: Lina-san... I give up...
(BACK IN THE STUDIO, a marquee above the display screen reads: XELLOSS- 54 SECONDS - 9 POINTS)
CHIBI REANNA: An impressive score indeed! But can our next opponent, Perio-sensei, beat that time?
PERIO: F-f-f-fight? But I'm a doctor!
MILFA: (in the studio) Didn't you fight with Kenji in the Royal Guard once?
(PERIO looks nervously at LINA)
LINA: (grins maliciously) I'm gonna take you apart, ya freak!
KENJI: (in the studio) Yeah! Get 'im!
LINA: Huh? Who's that guy? His voice sounds familiar...
PERIO: Can I forfeit this event?
LINA: No!
(THE BELL RINGS)
LINA: Prepare to fry, gynecologist! (she prepares a spell in hand)
PERIO: (smiles evilly) CHARM EYE!
CHIBI REANNA: (in the studio) Wait, don't do that! Parents, cover your childrens' faces! Oh, the humanity!
(Nothing happens.)
PERIO: It didn't work?!
LINA: Unfortunately for you, those kinds of tricks don't work on me!
PERIO: Uh oh...
LINA: Fireball.
(PERIO goes up in flames)
(BACK IN THE STUDIO, the marquee above the display screen reads: PERIO- 12 SECONDS - 2 POINTS)
PERIO: Is there a doctor in the house...?
CHIBI REANNA: Well, that was over in a hurry! But our next competitor, Ohtori Akio, may have more luck!
(THE BELL RINGS)
LINA: Draw your sword!
AKIO: Which one?
LINA: The one used to wreak terror and destruction!
AKIO: ... ... Which one?
LINA: Your blade, you creep!
CHIBI REANNA: This sounds awfully familiar...
AKIO: Oh, right! (he pulls out a sword and charges LINA)
LINA: FIRE-
(LINA whirls around to look behind her, where she sees ANTHY with a knife, ready to stab her)
LINA: Just what do you think you're doing?
(LINA looks in front and back of her and steps off to the side. AKIO and ANTHY slam into each other)
LINA: DIL BRAND!
(AKIO and ANTHY are blasted several feet into the air and land in a heap and LINA'S feet)
(BACK IN THE STUDIO, the marquee above the display screen reads: AKIO- 18 SECONDS - 3 POINTS)
KEYNE: Was that a fair fight?
DAKKI: Fair fights aren't fun. Besides, Akio used his powers of manipulation, which is perfectly fair. (Waves to CHUU-OU in the audience) Hi, honey! Love ya!
CHIBI REANNA: Our next opponent is Dryden! Let's see how he does!
(THE BELL RINGS)
DRYDEN: I've gotta fight HER?!
LINA: What's the matter? Too proud to fight a girl?
DRYDEN: No, you'll kill me!
LINA: It's okay, even Perio isn't THAT hurt. (turns) Ne, Perio?
(PERIO, sitting on the sidelines in a full body cast, gives a very weak "victory" sign)
(DRYDEN looks over)
LINA: Flare arrow.
(DRYDEN is blasted)
LINA: You weren't paying attention!
(BACK IN THE STUDIO, the marquee above the display screen reads: DRYDEN- 12 SECONDS - 2 POINTS)
CHIBI REANNA: An embarrassing defeat for Dryden! Now, let's see our next opponent, Kaoru Miki!
UTENA: Miki? He's gonna get killed out there!
MIKI: You didn't tell me I'd have to fight in this contest!
LINA: Them's the brakes, kid.
(THE BELL RINGS)
(MIKI lunges at LINA)
MIKI: I won't lose! Now with Anthy watching me!
(he looks over for a moment and notices ANTHY reading something)
MIKI: Eh?
LINA: Freeze Arrow!
CHIBI REANNA: Ooh... that can't be pleasant.
(The marquee above the display screen reads: MIKI- 6 SECONDS - 1 POINT)
CHIBI REANNA: (shrugs) Ah well! Perhaps we can expect a more impressive performance from Aburatsubo!
(ABURATSUBO takes the field, clad in his Mahou Club uniform, holding broom and wand)
NANAKA: (In the studio) Go, Aburatsubo-sempai!
ABURATSUBO: (on screen) Thank you, Nakatomi.
(NANAKA blushes awkwardly)
(THE BELL RINGS)
LINA: What kind of fruity outfit is that?
ABURATSUBO: (astride his broom) Isati abamehinamu eto kafe nan! (he flies into the air)
LINA: An airborne battle, eh?
CHIBI REANNA: (in studio) What could Aburatsubo be trying? He may know that it's difficult for Lina to cast spells while flying, but his own powers will be similarly diminished!
NANAKA: Shut up! He knows what he's doing!
(ABURATSUBO takes out a magic card and places it in his wand)
LINA: FLARE ARROW!
(The flare arrow flies at ABURATSUBO, but misses)
ABURATSUBO: Exsuarte bei to en! Towass!
(In a shower of glitter, LINA'S cape turns into a sheet of metal. Too heavy for LINA to hold up, it causes her to crash)
CHIBI REANNA: A brilliant strategy! But can he hold out longer?
LINA: Okay, now you've really done it! ... Tasogare yori mo kuraki mono, chi no nagare yori akaki mono...
ABURATSUBO: Huh? What's that?
LINA: ... toki no nagare ni uzumore shi, idai na nanji no na ni oite, ware, koko ni yami ni chikawan...
CHIBI REANNA: (takes out a cell phone) Yes. Yes. How do I know they'll need an ambulance? Stop asking questions and just GO!
LINA: ... warere ga mae ni tachi fusagari shi, subete no oroka naru mono ni, ware to nanji ga chikara mote... HITOSHIKU HOROBI O ATAEN KOTO O!
CHIBI REANNA: This has suddenly gotten really violent...
LINA: DRAGON SLAVE!
(HUGE MASSIVE EXPLOSION.)
CHIBI REANNA: (laughs nervously) Heh heh... I'm glad the clock is here in the studio, or else we'd never know how Aburatsubo did. And the score is...?
(The marquee above the display screen reads: ABURATSUBO- 24 SECONDS - 4 POINTS)
CHIBI REANNA: Impressive!
NANAKA: IMPRESSIVE?! How you can be so blase about this? He just got blasted by that bitch!
CHIBI REANNA: Nakatomi-san, I'd keep your voice down... Anyway, we're halfway through this event! Our next competitor is Shinkouhyou, debated to be Houshin Engi's most powerful character, and at an age of about 5000 years, is even older than Xelloss!
(SHINKOUHYOU rides onto the field on KOKUTENKOU)
(THE BELL RINGS)
LINA: What the... dude, you're just funny-looking! What's with the clown outfit?
KOKUTENKOU: Shinkouhyou-sama, should I step on her?
SHINKOUHYOU: No, Kokutenkou. That wouldn't be very interesting, would it?
LINA: So, what do you do?
(SHINKOUHYOU draws his paopei)
LINA: What the hell's that?
SHINKOUHYOU: My weapon.
LINA: It looks ridiculous! It looks like you ripped a handlebar off a little girl's bike!
(SHINKOUHYOU zaps LINA with his paopei)
LINA: (looking frizzled) What the...?!
SHINKOUHYOU: Hmm? What do you think? (starts sending zaps at her again)
LINA: (dodging the zaps) Sora no imashime toki hanaterashi kohreru... kuroki utsuro no yaiba yo... waga chikara... waga mi to narite... tomo ni horibi no michi o ayaman... RAGNA BLADE!
(LINA takes a flying leap and slashes SHINKOUHYOU with the Ragna Blade)
(The marquee above the display screen reads: SHINKOUHYOU- 60 SECONDS - 10 POINTS)
CHIBI REANNA: Wow! That's the best score yet, and we still have five bishies to go, with the next one being Mikaeru!
(MIKAERU is coaxed onto the playing field)
MIKAERU: B-but I'm supposed to be taking an exam right now...
LINA: This shouldn't take long... you're a guy training to be an ANGEL, after all...
RAPHAEL: (back in the studio) I'm gonna give her a good talking to after this event... Mikaeru! Do your best and I'll get you that "A" you wanted!
MIKAERU: But that's unfair!
RAPHAEL: And if you score less then three points, it's the rest of the night with me...
MIKAERU: (blushes) Raphael-sama!
(THE BELL RINGS)
MIKAERU: Oh no...
LINA: "Oh no" is right, pal! FLARE ARROW!
MIKAERU: (dodging LINA'S spells) Tasukete!
LINA: Stop running away! FIRE BALL!
MIKAERU: What else can I do?
LINA: How about you take a ZELAS GORT!
MIKAERU: A what?!
(A huge jellyfish lands on MIKAERU)
MIKAERU: Oww...
(The marquee above the display screen reads: MIKAERU- 12 SECONDS - 2 POINTS)
RAPHAEL: Two points! (to CHIBI REANNA) May Mikaeru and I be excused until the next event?
CHIBI REANNA: You may. On to our next contestant, Papachariino Nanadan!
(PAPACHA enters the playing area)
(THE BELL RINGS)
PAPACHA: As a good and honest man, I will warn you ahead of time about my incredible Aho power.
(Everyone in the studio laughs)
PAPACHA: What's so funny? You should fear my magnificent Aho!
(More laughing)
PAPACHA: (does his famous "Lord of the Dance" pose) In fact, I am the Aho King!
(Uncontrollable laughter)
LINA: Aho?
PAPACHA: (points his finger at LINA) Prepare to feel the wrath of my Aho!
LINA: BOMB SPIRIT!
(PAPACHA is blasted out of the playing field and hits a billboard by a road some five hundred feet away. A little crowd of Pochi gather around and applaud admiringly)
POCHI: Oooooooh!
(The marquee above the display screen reads: PAPACHA- 12 SECONDS - 2 POINTS)
CHIBI REANNA: Well! That didn't take long! Let's move on to our next contestant, Kojiro!
(KOJIRO walks onto the playing field. From somewhere, the Team Rocket theme music plays)
(THE BELL RINGS)
KOJIRO: This probably wasn't a good idea...
MUSASHI: (in the studio) Kojiro! You know what to do!
KOJIRO: Dress up in something frilly and cute?
LINA: FIREBALL!
(KOJIRO goes up in flames)
(The marquee above the display screen reads: KOJIRO- 6 SECONDS - 1 POINT)
CHIBI REANNA: That was fast! And we're fast running out of bishies! Our next to last contender is Il Palazzo!
(IL PALAZZO walks grandly onto the playing field... and trips over his own robes)
(THE BELL RINGS)
IL PALAZZO: Just... hold on a second...
LINA: Yeah, okay... (stands there for a second while IL PALAZZO tries to get up) Your second's up. FIREBALL!
IL PALAZZO: (charred and burnt) What an impatient girl...
(The marquee above the display screen reads: IL PALAZZO- 6 SECONDS - 1 POINT)
CHIBI REANNA: Wow! We've come a long way, and now it's time for our final fight! Kao-xe'kale Jallen, please take the field!
EMIGRE: That's my Kao! You can do it! Kick her ass!
(KAO thinks for a moment)
KAO: She's not on my "do violent acts toward" list for this month...
EMIGRE: (takes out a piece of paper and scribbles "Lina" on it) It is now! Go for it!
(THE BELL RINGS)
KAO: Forma Valta!
CHIBI REANNA: That's forbidden magic he's using!
ÉMIGRÉ: That's right, CR! That's level 10 explosion magic.
LINA: Balus Wall!
(LINA is met with some impact and is knocked off her feet)
LINA: Ra tilt!
(KAO ends up on the ground)
KAO: Aegis Guybrim!
LINA: Followed by a DRAGON SLAVE!
(ANOTHER HUGE MASSIVE EXPLOSION)
CHIBI REANNA: The battlefield is obscured again! I can't see what's going on!
(The smoke clears and KAO is casting a healing spell)
KAO: Soul Heal…
ÉMIGRÉ: Soul Heal?
CHIBI REANNA: More forbidden magic.
(fully healed, KAO collapses)
ÉMIGRÉ: The negative effects being that using the spell is so taxing on the target's body that the person has to rest for some time afterwards.
LINA: Dil Brand!
(KAO is blasted into the air. A few seconds later, he lands)
KAO: That… wasn't fair…
LINA: I win!
(The marquee above the display screen reads: Kao- 42 SECONDS - 7 POINTS)
CHIBI REANNA: And that's the end of this event! The points are being totaled and the wounds are being treated! Time to check out our results!
XELLOSS: 9
PERIO: 2
AKIO: 3
DRYDEN: 2
MIKI: 1
ABURATSUBO: 4
SHINKOUHYOU: 10
MIKAERU: 2
PAPACHA: 2
KOJIRO: 1
IL PALAZZO: 1
KAO: 7
CHIBI REANNA: Great job, everyone! Remember, wounds heal! **makes a victory sign** Our next event is the loyalty event, hosted by Milfa! Hope to see you there!
TO BE CONTINUED…