OPUS. Once upon a time-in a far away land-lived a little boy-
WUFEI. Who the hell are you?
OPUS. ...Opus...Opus Din...
WUFEI. LIAR...*conspiratorially* You're a nymphomaniac from Czechoslovakia who wants to rape me with an iron spatula and a Phillips head #3 special grip series screwdriver from Home Depot!
OPUS. Right...anywa-
WUFEI. Hahaha...you are weak, Din! I know your secret plot now because of your weakness! Hehehe...Hahaha...Muhahaha!
OPUS. O.~... Please just call me Opus. It is Opus, and I am trying to tell a story...
WUFEI. That's what you want us to think, Din! *pause* O.O A story?! Yes, yes! Oh, do tell. *grabs teddy bear, blanket, and pulls Opus over to a conveniently located fireplace.*
OPUS. *Puts on an expensive maroon robe and pink bunny slippers as he lights up a pipe* Let's begin once more...Once upon a ti-
WUFEI. YAY!!! *squeezes teddy so hard, its tiny marble eyes bulge*
OPUS. I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET, YOU IMBECILE!!! *kicks Wufei into fire* Now where was I...ah, yes, of course.
WUFEI. Umm...Din...This sorta hurts...
OPUS. SHUT UP OR I WON'T TELL YOU THE STORY!!! *his eyes bulge as well*
WUFEI. Oh, all right...but my skin is starting to melt off...
OPUS. Let's just start the story...*opens an old dusty book and begins to read aloud*
Chapter 1
OPUS. Okay, the first story we will be reading is 'Wufei and The Radioactive Pickle.' It all started when-
WUFEI. There is no such thing as radioactive pickles, Din.
OPUS. *Slaps Wufei* Do You Ever Shut Up?!
WUFEI. *Reflectively* No...But that's not the point! I have never heard of or seen a radioactive pickle...*pause*...I have heard of a radioactive spork, though...
OPUS. Fine then! *Through gritted teeth* The first story we will be reading is 'Wufei and the Radioactive Spork.'
WUFEI. Of course, they are quite uncommon, too, but the-
OPUS. *Hits Wufei with a golf club* CAN IT!!!
Wufei and the Radioactive Spork
OPUS. Once upon a time, five somewhat good friends were making their semi-daily trip to Taco Bell after a long day's work at Fropez's Spiffy Lube. As ex-gundam pilots, these young men (and extremely annoying woman), are highly skilled mechanics.
HEERO. Trowa...stop licking the dashboard.
TROWA. But Heero-chan...*puppy dog eyes*
RELENA. TROWA!!! I am the ONLY ONE who refers to MY HE-CHAN like THAT!!! DO NOT EVER- EVER, NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!!! *her vein pops and she violently shakes on the car floor*
EVERYONE. O.o
OPUS. The car stops in front of the GWing Pilot's favorite restaurant and they all climb out the driver seat window before frolicking into the fast-food joint.
DUO. *Cringing on the floor* The voices...The voices are everywhere!
OPUS. I'll give you a Pokemon if you SHUT UP!
DUO. Okay, Master Voicee. *Starts singing* I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was! To catch them is my real test! To train them is my cause...*grabs cashiers microphone* POKEMON!!! GOTTA CATCH'EM ALL!!! POKEMON!!!
OPUS. ENOUGH!!!
DUO. *Cringes again* Yes, Master Voicee...
OPUS. My name is Opus, Opus Din!
DUO. O-op-op-opu-opus...D-d-din?
OPUS. Very Good! You get a cookie!
DUO. YAY! Is it sprinkles or chocolate chip?
HEERO. *Looking around quizzically* Duo, who are you talking to? TROWA! Stop licking things!
TROWA. *Discontinues in sucking the ketchup dispenser* I sorry, He-chan...
RELENA. *From outside* TROWA BARTON!!!
TROWA. *Bows head* I sorry, Relena...
WUFEI. *mumbling*...weak onna...
TROWA. What was that?! I heard you say something!
OPUS. Trowa leaps at Wufei, but Wufei is much faster than Trowa, and Trowa ends up flying through a window just as-
TROWA. Woo-Woo, hold on a sec! I haven't jumped at Wufei yet or flown through a window.
OPUS. *All frustrated and what not* You were supposed to...Look, it's in the script *hands Trowa a script.*
TROWA. *Pulls tiny pair of glasses from shirt pocket and begins to read*...hmm...jump at Wufei...through window...bleed profusely...*hands back script and replaces glasses* Fine...I'll do it. *Jumps at Wufei in blind rage, misses, and flies through window*
EVERYONE. O.o
OPUS. ...Okay...let's try starting again-
DUO. *Innocently* But you promised to give me a Pokemon!
OPUS. Grrr...afterwards, Duo, afterwards...
DUO. 'Kay! *hugs himself*
OPUS. ~.~' Right...ahem...Now each pilot was forced to pay individually due to their lack in cash. Heero ordered his usual taco salad first and proceeded to save seats for the others. Quatre followed, his mouth stuffed deep with a chicken Gordita. Duo was quite pleased with the cookie I gave him and decided not to order.
DUO. Thank You!
OPUS. Umm...your welcome...Wufei was next. He chose only a cup of refried beans because he felt the prices were to high.
WUFEI. INJUSTICE, I tell you! It's all a conspiracy!
OPUS. ...err...and Trowa finished off the train of friends with two soft tacos and a cup of beans as well. There was one small problem though...
WUFEI. Damn! I forgot to get a spoon...*to everyone*...excuse me...
HEERO. Oh, while your up, can you get me some salsa? Mild will do fine, thank you.
QUATRE. Mph-hm-phm-sphm *gulp* Fire for me!
DUO. I want a pony!!!
EVERYONE. O.o
DUO. *Quietly* ...nevermind...
TROWA. I need a spoon, too. If you don't mind...
WUFEI. I'm not you all's slave; get your own! *walks towards condiments*
HEERO. *when Wufei was out of hearing* Baka...
OPUS. Unknown to the unsuspecting Wufei was that no spoon was to be found in the viscidity of that Taco Bell. The only utensil available was the sterile, individually wrapped, spork...
WUFEI. *Holding up spork still in wrapper* What the hell is this?!
OPUS. Also unknown to the unsuspecting-
WUFEI. Will you stop being so redundant!
OPUS. ...okay...Even after careful examination, the unaware pilot was still clueless of what the package contained. For in its vacuum-sealed wrapper, a rare form of radioactive fungus (Radioactivus Fungusus) grew...
QUATRE. But didn't you just say it was sterile?
OPUS. SHHH! *looks around to make sure no one else noticed* Finally, convinced that this strange exotic spoon-fork was safe, Wufei sat back down.
WUFEI. *To himself* Definitely an American invention...
OPUS. As he tore of the wrapping, Wufei comes to realize it was produced in China, his birthplace.
WUFEI. INJUSTICE!!! *begins beating the crap out of the all-American Duo*
OPUS. Suddenly, the spork begins to glow and lifts off the table. All of time freezes as, strangely, it speaks to Wufei.
SPORK. *Echoing deep voice* Wufei...Wufei...I am your father...
WUFEI. *Soap Opera like music plays in background as he falls to his knees. It begins to rain* NOOOOOO!!!
SPORK. Actually, I'm here to grant you a wish.
WUFEI. *Everything stops: rain and music* Oh...okay...Wait a second! This is all a trick!! Another conspiracy!!! THE AMERICANS ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!
SPORK. Umm...no...
WUFEI. *Confused* The universe?
SPORK. ~.~' ...I just wanted to grant you a wish, that's all.
WUFEI. Oh...I see...
OPUS. Wufei sits down and begins to think of something to wish for: a mansion, a car, money, more shoes...but he finally comes to the decision of...
WUFEI. *Proudly* I want to become a man!
SPORK. *Pause* ...umm...Aren't you already?
WUFEI. Hold on, lemme check...*checks*...oh...then how about a super-man?!
SPORK. Your wish is my command!
OPUS. The forkish spoon begins to dance crazily in midair, all the while chanting a loony verse.
SPORK. God of Beans, God of Pork! God of Rice, Listen to Spork! Bless this child with your can, Turn him into SUPER WU-MAN!!!
OPUS. A clap of thunder and a brilliant flash! Wufei finds himself garbed in purple and orange striped spandex, a gray cape flapping down to his high-heeled heels. An 'SWM' is crudely embroidered into his tin foil chest plate...the spork had vanished.
EVERYONE. O.O!!!
WUFEI. *In a baritone voice* I AM SUPER WU-MAN-MAN-MAN-MAN-MAN...
EVERYONE. O.o
WUFEI. Fear not citizens! I, Super Wu-Manmanmanmanman, who's true identity, Wufei, is unknown to everyone, shall protect you, the citizens, from the many faces of INJUSTICE!!! Hi-Ho Magik Cape(tm)!!!
OPUS. Wufei...er....Super Wu-Man pulls his cape around him and slinks out the door.
EVERYONE. ~.~
QUATRE. Speak up, I'm blind...
OPUS. How will Super Wu-Man protect the innocent citizens from injustice? Will he be able to help cure Quatre's blindness so that he can hear once more? Tune in next time for...hold on a second, that's not right! Speak up, I'm blind?!...Nevermind...Tune in next time for Super Wu-Man!!!
OPUS. So did you like it Wufei?
WUFEI. ...
OPUS. Wufei?
WUFEI. ...Super Wu-Man?
OPUS. Yes, Wufei, Super Wu-Man.
WUFEI. I wonder who he really is...
OPUS. o.O
WUFEI. Don't look at me like that!
OPUS. Good Night...*under his breath*...baka
WUFEI. WHAT WAS THAT?!?!
OPUS. Oh...nothing. *leaves room*
WUFEI. ...Maybe it's Duo...