When Fairytales Go Wrong: Linkladdin and his Wonderful Ocarina (?)
Disclaimer: Nope, still not owning Zelda yet. Nor Aladdin, that's Disney territory. Hand on a minute, who the Hell wrote 1001 Arabian Nights? Help.
Oh yeah, I do own a box of McVities Jaffa cakes, but my bro has the rights to eat them, cause he's bigger than me and can beat me up. Um, ultimately McVities own Jaffa Cakes though.
The scene: A dressing room with puffy Arabian trousers hanging up. People sitting there and talking, Link and Zelda making out in a corner.
A.A: Can someone throw a bucket of water over them?
Ruto throws bucket of water over them.
Link and Zelda: Hey!
A.A: Now that I have your attention, it's now time for the story to begin. All exits have been locked and the windows made of shatterproof glass with steel bars to prevent your escape.
Ganondorf *tugging at steel bars*: Rats.
A.A: After so many happy people enjoyed Zeldarella...
Link: I know I did.
Zelda: *giggles*
A.A: I've decided to do a new fic. This time, it's Aladdin, or Linkladdin.
Link: Yay, I get the lead!
A.A: Here's the cast. Link as Linkladdin.
Link: Psychic.
A.A: Nabooru as Princess Nabsmine.
All except Nabooru: WHAT?!
A.A: Well if any of you took the time and effort to leave large amounts of money under my pillow with a little note with who it's from then maybe you'd get the parts you want.
Nabooru: Hee hee hee.
A.A: And she's already got the costume. Tingle as the Evil Sorcerer Jaffa Cake.
Link: Now that's just WRONG.
Zelda: And extremely disturbing.
Tingle: Tingle Tingle Kooloo Limpah!
All: AHH!!
A.A: NOOOOOO! PLUUUUM!
Faithful labrador Plum runs into room and starts to maul Tingle's leg.
Zelda: Cool dog.
A.A *beams*: Thanks, I trained her myself. OK, so now that we're bad guy-less I guess we'll just make Rauru Jaffa Cake.
Rauru: Mmm, Jaffa Cakes...
Impa: When will this madness end?
A.A: Ganondorf as the Sultana.
Ganondorf: No way.
A.A: Oh great. Why not?
Ganondorf: A Sultana is the Sultan's wife. I'm not dressing in drag.
A.A: No it's not, it a raisiny thing.
Ganondorf: Sultan's wife.
A.A: Raisin.
Ganondorf: Sultan's wife!
A.A: Raisin!
Ganondorf: SULTAN'S WIFE!!!
A.A: RAISIN!!!
Two hours later...
A.A: RAISINRAISINRAISINRAISINRAISIN!!!
Zelda: Oh for goodness sake, it means BOTH!!!
anime animal and Ganondorf look at her weirdly.
Zelda: Well it does...
A.A: Whatever, Ganondorf is being the Sultana and he will be forced to dress in drag as he did not respect my authoritah!
Malon: Who let Cartman in?
Ruto: Not me.
A.A: Magic carpet will be borrowed from the creepy trader guys in the Desert Collossus. Linkladdin's pet fairy will be...
Link: Woah, wait a minute, did you say fairy?
A.A: Yes.
Familiar fairy music strikes up.
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Navi: Hello!
Zelda: Great, just great. Do you realise how much therapy he needed after Ocarina of Time just because of that lightbulb on wings?
Navi: Link! Watch out! Hey! Listen! Link! Watch out! Hey! Listen!Link! Watch out! Hey! Listen! Link! Watch out! Hey! Listen!
Link: Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop!
Zelda: Link, put on the Don Gero mask!
Link does and a large green frog hops in and eats Navi, followed by two others.
Frog1: Bud
Frog2: Weis
Frog3: Er
Frogs hop out again.
A.A: OK, so Tingle was mauled by my dog and Navi has been swallowed by the Budweiser frogs. Mr Miyamoto is going to kill me.
Link: Do I have to have a pet fairy?
A.A: No, I'll just give you a pet... *starts looking around room* I'll give you a pet monkey! Linkladdin will have a pet monkey. The question is, which monkey?
Zelda: Give him a Majora's Mask monkey, they're cute!
Ganondorf: How about Donkey Kong?
Link: Do you honestly expect me to carry Donkey Kong around on my shoulder?
Ganondorf: Of course not, only real men can do that.
Link: And I suppose you're a real man.
Ganondorf: Well actually I'm computer generated polygons formed into the shape of a man for video games purposes but for the sake of the argument, yes.
Link: Prove it.
Ganondorf: Alright then I will. Staring match. Winner gets to have Zelda.
Link: Oh I've had Zelda, if ya know what I'm sayin'...
Ganondorf: Screw what I said earlier, you are a man. You are unquestionably 'Da Man!'
Girls look at Zelda in horror.
Zelda: What?!
Ruto: *cries*
Impa: Oh my.
Zelda: Ohhh, yeah. Come on people, have none of you read Daughter's Duty or Simple Wish?
A.A: You've read it?
Zelda and Link *grinning at each other*: We needed inspiration.
A.A: ...
Ruto: Are you going to do a lemon with me and Link?
A.A: Hell no!
Ruto: Why not?
A.A: You're a fish! Get over yourself! You're a very scary and freaky person and I don't like you! If it had been up to me, I would have left you to Barinade you scary, naked FISH FREAK!
Ruto: There's not need to be rude.
A.A: There's every need to be rude, your existence insults me!
Ruto runs off crying.
Saria: That was mean.
Malon: Yeah, we all hate her but we don't go and make her cry!
Link: You know the flooding that happened in Canterbury last winter?
You, The Reader: NO.
A.A: Yes.
Link: Well that's what happens in Hyrule once Ruto starts to cry. Thanks to you, many innocent Stalkids and Peahats have been forced to evacuate their homes.
Zelda: Didn't you kill those?
Link:...
A.A: Back to the casting. Cute Majora's Mask Monkey as Linkladdin's pet monkey Mr Burrows.
All: Mr Burrows?!
A.A: OK, it's a funny story. He was my old Spanish teacher, and on our timetables his initials were ABU because we already had an AB and so we all called him Mr Abu and... you don't find this amusing do you?
All: No.
A.A: I didn't either, but Dominique 'I'm so full of crap' Fraser found it hilarious.
Saria: You like bitching about your 'friends' to us, don't you?
A.A: Only the people I grudgingly call acquaintances. By the way Link, I need you to beat someone up for me.
Link: No problem.
A.A *in a Mr Burns from the Simpsons sylee*: Excellent.
Zelda: Casting?
A.A: OK, Zelda as the Zellie of the Ocarina and the whole of Gerudo Valley and the Pirate's Fortress as the palace guards. OK, that's about it. Places everybody!
LINKLADDIN AND HIS WONDERFUL OCARINA!!
It is a lovely sunny day in Fairytales Gone Wrong Land. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the palace guards... are screaming in an oestrogen fuelled frenzy.
Guards: There he is, don't let him get away!!
It becomes readily apparent that the guards are chasing after the very gorgeous Linkladdin, who is looking very amused and none too upset about being chased by the guards.
Link: Should I let them catch me Mr Burrows?
Monkey: Why would you want to do that?
Link: Because they'll probably want me to perform sexual favours for them.
Zelda: PLAYER!
A.A: Get back in your Ocarina!
Link: I'm just acting Zelda, you know that all of the Gerudo except Nabooru love Ganondorf!
Monkey: Which is why they want Link to perform sexual favours for them.
A.A and Link: Shut up!
Guards eventually catch up with Linkladdin.
Guard1: We've got you now!
Guard2: Now we're going to take you back to the dungeon and make you our slave for the rest of the day.
Guard3: And we're going to cover your body with ice cream and forget about spoons.
Zelda: ARGH BITCH GET AWAY FROM MY MAN!
A.A: Get back in your Ocarina!
Link: Gee girls, that's nice of you but I'm kind of allergic to ice cream...
Guard3: Yoghurt.
Link: And yoghurt...
Guard3: Liquid chocolate.
Link: And liquid chocolate and pretty much any food type that you're going to suggest covering my body with. Sorry about that.
Guard4: We'll just throw you in the dungeon then and you can rot.
Link: Oh, you girls spoil me.
Linkladdin is taken to the castle dungeons, but as he is dragged willingly to the dungeons a crazed figure jumps out in front of them. It's the lovely Princess Nabsmine!
Nabooru: HALT!
Guards: Hail Oh Exulted Nabooru!
A.A: NABSMINE! IT'S NABSMINE!
Nabooru: It's not my fault that I've got them so well trained. They don't know how to act.
Zelda: So they were flirting with Link! They are soooooooo dead!
A.A: Get back in your Ocarina!
Link: Zel, I promise I'll wish them into mushrooms for you, OK?
Zelda: *all smiles* OK!
Zelda vanishes.
A.A: Now why didn't I think of that?
Link: Cause I'm the greatest.
A.A: Now where does one purchase an ego deflater?
Link: Hunh?
A.A: Back to the story peeps!
Link: Oh alright. Nabs, it's your line.
Nabooru: It is? Oh right, it is. Right. OK.
A.A: Do you even know your line?
Nabooru: Er...
A.A: "Release that man, for I am deeply in love with him!"
Link: Aww, I never knew you cared...
Zelda: Why is everyone flirting with my man?!
A.A: Oh crap. Forget it. Nabooru, just order them off Link, OK?
Nabooru: Oh, OK. Guards, get back from him otherwise I'm not taking you to see Lord of the Rings again so we can drool over Legolas.
Guards: NOOOOO! We give up!
Nabooru: Now Legolas is a man who makes me go to sleep with a smile on my face.
A.A: Mmm hmm...
Link: *waving* Hello, Link's still here ladies...
Guard3: Guys, isn't one of us supposed to say that we can't let him go?
Other guards stare at her blankly.
Guard4: Why would we want to do that?
Guard2: Yeah, we have to see Orlando!
Link: Has no-one noticed that I'm still here?
A.A: OK, assorted Gerudo ladies present, I promise we'll go and see the movie after we've finished this, OK? But for now, can someone please say "I'm sorry, but our orders come from Jaffa Cake."
Zelda: *from off stage* I'm sorry but our orders come from Jaffa Cake.
A.A: Thank you.
Gerudo ladies drag Link off with Zelda growling in the background. Nabooru is glaring and then shrugs.
Nabooru: How was that?
A.A: Spectacularly crap.
Nabooru: Oh.
We are now in the Royal Palace where the evil sorceror Jaffa Cake is eating masses of McVities Jaffa Cakes.
Rauru: Mmm mmm mmm, Jaffa Cakes...
Nabooru: Jaffa Cake!
Rauru: *spraying Jaffa Cake crumbs* Wot?
Nabooru: Hey, mind the clothes!
Rauru: Sorry.
Nabooru: You arrested a very gorgeous man this afternoon and I didn't want you to because I thought he was very sexy and I wanted to marry him and spend every afternoon getting Jiggy with it!
Rauru and Nabooru suddenly start singing along to Will Smith and doing the dance.
A.A: Oh my god...
Rauru's belly starts wobbling around so much that it starts to knock the Jaffa Cakes off the table and Nabooru falls on the floor.
A.A: Holy cow, look at that cellulite go!
Monkey: I'd rather not.
A.A: How'd you get here?
Monkey: Followed you. I have to get Link out of the dungeon, remember?
A.A: 'Spose so.
Monkey: Besides, Zelda's paying me in peanuts to make sure that none of the Guards get too frisky when they frisk him.
A.A: Good grief.
Nabooru: Jaffa Cake, you're really horrible. I want you to let the sexy boy out so I can...
A.A: Stop it! Please, just say the lines and don't ad lib.
Nabooru: Do I have to?
A.A: YES!
Nabooru: Oh OK. What's my line?
A.A: Call the Sultana.
Nabooru: Oh Daddy!
Silence. Tumbleweed blows across the floor.
Nabooru: Daddy?
More silence. Coyote howls in the background.
Nabooru: Ganondorf!
Zelda: Um, he's gone on strike.
A.A: Not again. OK, you hideous Ginger Minger (pronounced Ging urr Ming urr a la the Cindz-Bez-Migs dictionary) get your ass in gear and in here right now!
Ganondorf: No.
A.A: I know what I'll do...
Nabooru: What?
A.A: Ganondorf, Zelda's taking her clothes off in here!
Zelda: I am not!
Ganondorf comes bolting into the room. He's dressed in typical belly dancing attire and this reveals...
Monkey: Oh my god, he has an outy belly button!
A.A, Nabooru and Rauru: AHHH!
Ganondorf: Where where where... Oh crud.
Nabooru: Love the get up, G-man.
Ganondorf: Shut up now or I blow you up.
Nabooru: Eep!
Ganondorf: Anyway, what were you bitching about?
Nabooru: Oh. Daddy, Jaffa Cake imprisoned a really hot guy and I want him let free.
Ganondorf: *monotonously* Jaffa Cake, let Linkladdin go.
A.A: OK, as much as I love the whole monotone thing in a guy...
Monkey: The girl fantasises over Heero Yuy...
A.A: Him and Orlando Bloom! Don't forget Orlando!
Ganondorf: Do my monotones turn you on then?
A.A: Hell no. You're repulsive!
Ganondorf: *sniffs*
A.A: Oh boy.
Rauru: Sorry, it's too late. I changed him into a box of Jaffa Cakes and then ate them all.
Nabooru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nabooru runs away crying and Ganondorf runs after her. Rauru starts laughing.
Rauru: Heh heh heh, the fools. Soon, I will have the magic Ocarina and then the whole of Fairytales Gone Wrong Land will be mine. Mwah ha ha ha ha!
A.A: Very convincing Rauru, I'm impressed.
Rauru: Thankyou. I can do more.
A.A: Please do.
Rauru: And then, I will turn the whole world into a giant Jaffa Cake! Mwah ha ha ha ha!
A.A: OK, that just totally spoilt it.
We cut to a scene where Link is walking across a desert.
Link: So here's the deal, Linkladdin fans. Mr Burrows broke me out of the dungeon after some really fat guy told me where I could find a cave with a magic Ocarina in it. So, I am now looking for this cave so I can use the magic Ocarina to wish for...
A.A: What?
Link: A lifetime's supply of...
A.A: Link, please don't say it. There are little people present.
Indicates Saria and Mido, who are playing Super Smash Bros Melee in the background.
Mido: Die Link die!
Saria: Um Mido, you're playing as Link.
Mido: D'oh!
Link: I was going to say a lifetime's supply of flowers so I could send them to Zelda everyday.
Zelda: Aww...
Link: *to himself* I am so gonna get laid tonight.
Link trips over something in the sand.
Link: Ow!
It turns out that Link has tripped over a very shiny and attractive magic Ocarina.
Link: What's this? *reads the large sign above the Ocarina* "A very shiny and attractive magic Ocarina."
Rubs the Ocarina. Nothing happens.
Link: Er...
A.A: It's an Ocarina. I think you play it.
Link: OK.
Link puts the Ocarina and plays 'It's a Kind of Magic' by Queen. There is a big puff of smoke and Zelda appears wearing...
Link: Oh my God, it's my biggest fantasy come to life!
Zelda is wearing an outfit similar to that gold bikini thing that Princess Leia wears in Return of the Jedi.
Zelda: I am the Zellie of the Ocarina and I can grant any wish you desire.
Link: I know what I'm desirin' right about now.
Zelda: So I see.
A.A: People...
Zelda: But what about Princess Nabsmine, who loves and adores you?
Link: Oh right.
Zelda: So?
Link: So I wish she'd leave me alone so that you and I can hang out in Barbados.
Zelda: Is that an official wish?
A.A: No!
Link: Yes!
Zelda twitches her nose a la Bewitched and transports Link and herself to Barbados.
Zelda: Any more wishes?
Link: Yeah. I wish for you to keep that bikini.
Zelda: Granted.
Link: And thirdly, I wish for you to... *whispers in her ear*
Zelda: Oh my! *giggles*
A.A: Oh God, dare I ask?
Zelda: No you may not, not until you're twenty one.
A.A: Since when did you start ordering me around?
Zelda: Well, you've been mean to me.
Link: And me.
A.A: When?
Link and Zelda glare at anime animal.
A.A: Oh yeah. But guys, what about Nabsmine and her cross dressing father? Shouldn't you rescue them?
Flashback to palace where Rauru has Nabooru and Ganondorf tied to poles in front of a large TV set. Rauru is holding a remote control in one hand and a large box of Jaffa Cakes in the other.
Ganondorf: You wouldn't...
Rauru: Wouldn't I?
Nabooru: You fiend! Please please PLEASE spare me and my poor father the torture you are about to place on us!
Rauru: *rubs chin* Hmm. No.
Presses a button on the remote control and voila! The world's most nauseatingly sickening and repulsive purple dinosaur's never ending video tape!
Nabooru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ganondorf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Barney: I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...
Nabooru and Ganondorf: Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop!
Rauru: Let me think... Nope! *turns attention to Jaffa Cakes* Mmm, Jaffa Cakes...
Back to Barbados.
Link and Zelda: Nah!
A.A: OK then.
Link: Zellie, will you oil my back?
Zelda: Just your back?
A.A: ...
THE END!
Saria: I don't know what you guys thought, but that was scary.
You, the Reader: Mmm Hmm
A.A: So, I guess that means that you won't want another one?
You, the Reader: I didn't say that!
Link: Oh please, we really like this stuff! Insanity is such a refreshing change from...
Zelda: Treacherous mothers, Serpent men, miscarriages, premature births, army gruel, sex...
Link: HEY!
Zelda: Well, maybe not.
Link: Definitely not when it's you and me, but I draw the line at Ruto.
Zelda: And Epona.
Link: And E... WHAT THE HELL?!
Zelda: It's true! I saw it!
A.A: God that made me want to hurl.
Link: You read it?
A.A: OK, so I read the start and I thought 'Hey, Epona's eye view!' But when you took of your clothes...
Link: It wasn't me! She's a horse!
A.A: ... I had to run away. I mean, I thought sheep and Welshmen was bad...
Link: Oh gross!
A.A: It gave me an inexplicable desire to see where my brother was and if my horses were OK.
Zelda: OK, didn't want to know that.
Saria: What's sex?
A.A: I knew this would happen, I just knew it! Here I am, trying to write a wholesome family fic...
Link: Whatever you say Miss NC-17.
A.A: You got a problem with that?
Zelda: Of course he doesn't. *whispers* He's hentai.
A.A: You guys just see these fics as a way to get laid don't you?
Link and Zelda: Hell yeah!
A.A: Do you people want more? R 'n' R folks!
Ganondorf: Somebody, help us please! Rauru left the Barney tape playing!
Nabooru: *in a daze* I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...
Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!