When Fairytales Go Wrong: Snow Anju and the Seven Vertically Challenged People.
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. I own nothing of importance.
An apology: Reading through the reviews, it came to my attention that someone took offence at the joke in the last instalment regarding Welshmen and sheep. I would like to inform him/her that I meant it only in good nature and that I by no means am prejudiced towards the Welsh population. In fact my uncle is Welsh and he makes more jokes regarding sheep than I do. I am hurt that you considered me to be racist as a result of one harmless little joke, I didn't mean to cause offence and would like to apologise if anyone took any from what I said. However, I did think that you (???) were very mean about Harry Potter, which I happen to like very much, and think that calling him Harry Potthead was mean and insulting. I am aware that he is not actually a real person, but I still think that it was an uncalled attack on a great literary figure.
The Scene: A small, square room where everyone is sitting drinking various assortments of coffee. Ganondorf is reading the script.
Ganondorf: What?! Snow Anju?
Anju: Yes?
Ganondorf: Well this is certainly different...
A.A: Yes, Zelda and Link had other business to attend to.
Ruto: Let me guess, they're at it again.
A.A: No.
Malon: They're about to go at it again.
A.A: No.
Ganondorf: They're taking a rest before they go at it again.
A.A: No.
Saria: They missed their plane from Barbados because they were at it again.
A.A: You explain sex to a perpetual ten year old and it crops up everywhere. NO!
Impa: They've gone to a clinic because after going at it so much they think that Zelda might be pregnant.
A.A: Um, no. As you all know, NC-17 stories have been scrapped, which means that there are no more lemons.
Everyone: WHAT!?
Malon and Ruto: Yay, no more Zelink Lemons!
A.A: It means no lemons for anyone. So, Link and Zelda have gone to attend counselling in order to overcome their shock. I am saying no more on the subject.
Ganondorf: But, what about the lemons? What happens to us poor deprived people who have never been in one of your lemons?
A.A: I know nothing, I am from Barcelona...
Everyone: Hunh?!
A.A: Fawlty Towers? Manuel? Misther Fawlty, Misther Fawlty? CYBIL!
Malon: How many red M&Ms has she had?
Ruto: I don't know, she's been at the Skittles again.
A.A: Philistines. How can you not know Fawlty Towers?
Saria: We live in Hyrule, we don't have BBC.
Ganondorf: Or any sort of TV for that matter.
A.A: Oh the horror!
Kafei: Story?
A.A: Hmm? Oh yeah, casting people!
Everyone bolts for the nearest exit but stop as they get electrocuted.
A.A: May I take this opportunity to remind you that your electric tags to prevent you from wandering have been activated...
Malon: Drat.
A.A: OK, here goes. Snow Anju is being played by Anju.
Anju: I'm sorry, I really am.
Ruto and Malon glare.
A.A: Naturally, her prince will be Kafei, in adult mode.
Kafei: Yay!
A.A: The wicked queen will be played by Impa.
Ganondorf: What? Impa has no malice in her whatsoever!
A.A: What's your point Carrot Top? Do you want to be the queen?
Ganondorf: Um no, carry on.
A.A: Thankyou. Ruto's going to be the mirror.
Ruto: I am?
A.A: Yes, you're mirror coloured.
Ruto: Oh well, at least I'm not a dwarf!
A.A: In the interests of political correctness, we cannot refer to them as dwarves. They must be vertically challenged people.
Impa: And she still has her addiction to Lord of the Rings and will probably call them Dwalin, Balin, Kili, Fili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Thorin and Gimli.
Saria: Oh. But that's fourteen dwarves. I thought there were meant to be seven...
A.A: OK chill out, I am addicted to Lord of the Rings but it's purely because of the elves.
Ganondorf: Oh yes, especially that blonde haired pansy that looks like a cross dressing Link...
anime animal flies at Ganondorf in a blind rage.
A.A: HOW DARE YOU CALL MY FUTURE HUSBAND A PANSY AND A CROSS DRESSER, YOU SATANIC OFFSPRING OF ANNE ROBINSON AND GINGER SPICE!!!
Ganondorf: Ow...
Saria: Besides, what's wrong with guys having long hair?
A.A: NOTHING!! Some of the cutest guys in anime have long hair. Namely Duo...
Ganondorf: Isn't your addiction involving the other one?
A.A: Yeah, but that doesn't mean the others aren't cute. And I am shocked that you refer to my anime soulmate as 'the other one.'
Malon: Soulmate? You hurl yourself off buildings?
A.A: I threw myself off a locker once...
Others look at anime animal unimpressed.
A.A: OK, the woodsman will be the bald non camp carpenter dude.
Bald Non Camp Carpenter Dude Whose Name I Can't Remember (BNCCDWNICR): At last, I have my own claim to faim!
Impa: You can't call him BNCCDWNICR.
A.A: Why?
Impa: Because it's weird.
A.A: OK then. BNCCDWNICR will be called Bob. All in favour say aye.
All: Aye.
Epona: Neigh!
Nabooru: You were dying to put that in weren't you?
A.A: Yeah *grins*
Nabooru rolls her eyes.
A.A: OK, now it's time to name the dwar.. I mean vertically challenged people. Ganondorf will be Avaricious...
Malon: Like we didn't already know that.
Ganondorf: *sings to the tune of Bootylicious* My body's too avaricious for ya babe!
A.A: Ohhhh kaaaaaaay. Malon will be Pre Menstrual.
Malon: What?!
Mido: Ha ha!
A.A: Mido will be Pretentious.
Mido: Pre what?
Malon: *grumbles* It's better than Pre Menstrual.
A.A: Rauru will be Gluttonous.
Ruto: What do you mean 'Will be?' He already is!
Rauru: I may be a tub of lard but lard does have feelings. *sniff*
A.A: Saria will be Hyperactive...
Saria: Does that mean I have to bounce off the walls?
A.A: Very probably. Nabooru will be...
Nabooru: Sexay!
A.A: Um, no. You're going to be Fake Tanned.
Nabooru: Oh. But this is natural!
A.A: And Tingle can be Schizophrenic.
Saria: Um, Tingle's in hospital after Plum mauled him.
A.A: Oh.
Saria: And he says that he's going to call Claims Direct and sue you.
A.A: Does he now?
Saria: Yes. And Budweiser are sending you the vet's bill after the frog choked on Navi.
A.A: Oh. So, I guess Ruto will have to double part. Ruto, you can be Indecently Exposed.
Ruto: Why?
A.A: Cause you are.
Ruto: But I don't want to be indecently exposed! A girl has to remain modest of her physical attributes.
Everyone else looks at her strangely.
Malon: Wake up and smell the haddock Ruto, you already ARE indecently exposed.
Ruto looks at herself.
Ruto: Holy cow, so I am! I have to go and do my bikini line!
Everyone shudders violently and horribly as Ruto runs away to find some wax.
Ganondorf: I am going to have nightmares about that.
Everyone: Mmm Hmm.
A.A: OK everyone, places. Here comes
SNOW ANJU AND THE SEVEN VERTICALLY CHALLENGED PEOPLE!
It would appear that Fairytales Gone Wrong Land is possessed of some very odd things, be they glass slippers, magic Ocarinas or strange talking mirrors that look strangely like Zoras...
Lulu: Psst!
A.A: What? When did you get here?
Lulu: Ruto asked me to cover for her in the mirror bit, she's a bit red and blotchy and she pulled some scales off. It's not a pretty sight.
A.A: Ew ew ew!
Lulu: So is it OK if I'm the mirror?
A.A: S'OK.
Now, one of Fairytales Gone Wrong Land's many kingdoms was suffering a bit of a downer. The King of this random kingdom had just died. Now, this would have been OK had he not been married to a total and utter be-atch. This nasty lady was very very mean to his precious little daughter Snow Anju who should really have been queen, but because the nasty lady was such a be-atch, she wouldn't let Snow Anju have her pretty shiny crown and throne and asked her faithful woodsman Bob to take her to the forest and have her executed. This might seem a little bit harsh, but the be-atch queen had this really rather groovy mirror that could only speak the truth...
Saria: A bit like the Magical Sitar in Moulin Rouge?
A.A: Yes, but this is a mirror.
Saria: But it's Lulu.
A.A: I know it's Lulu, but for the sake of the story she's a mirror.
Impa: Should I say my line now?
A.A: Yes.
Impa: OK. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Lulu: The fairest of them all eh? Well, this could take a while. The fairest of the Sheikah would be you because you're the only one left, and the fairest of the Zoras would be me because I haven't ripped half my scales off with Imac strips...
A.A: Ew ew ew!
Impa: Before you gross out the author any further, you're supposed to say that Snow Anju is the fairest of them all...
Lulu: But isn't Zelda prettier than her?
Impa: Yes, but...
Lulu: So that means that I'm not telling the truth, which makes me a magical lying mirror.
Impa: Yes.
Lulu: So therefore that makes the whole concept of a mirror that can only speak the truth redundant.
Impa: Yes, but you forget that this is a Fairytale Gone Wrong so you are allowed to lie.
A.A: Nice save.
Impa: Thanks.
Lulu: Oh alright then. Queeny once you looked real hot,
But now I am afraid you do not.
There is one person who's prettier than you,
In this weird story it is Anju.
A.A: Nice rhymes!
Lulu: *grins* Thank you.
Impa: Dang and blast it, this cannot do! Bob!
Bob scurries in, bowing like Manuel.
Saria: Who exactly is Manuel?
A.A: Oh for the love of Mike, look up Fawlty Towers on Yahoo!
Saria: OK. But who's Mike?
A.A: You know, that is a very good question...
Bob: You're ruining my acting debut!
A.A: Everybody, scat!
Lulu: Scat a beebedy boobidy babbity bee bop.
Everyone looks at her as though she has grown another head.
Lulu: Well, you told me to scat, and I did. Let's scat some jazz!
Ganondorf: *sings* I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this jelly...
A.A: I no longer have any control over this fic. These people have a mind of their own. I may have to leave...
Everyone: YAY!
anime animal glares at everyone.
Everyone: Still YAY!
Ganondorf: *to Malon* Now I know why she's soulmates with the other one...
Malon: The glare that froze a thousand ships...
A.A: That's it! From your lack of disrespect I have decided to call upon my new friend to help me keep you in order.
Ruto: *wearing a wrap around sarong* This would be her little friend in her head.
A.A: Grr...
anime animal's eyes narrow to slits.
A.A: I was going to show leniency, but now I have no choice. All of you are subjected to three hours of Barney videos, with no refreshment breaks.
Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nabooru: *in a dazed trance* I love you, you love me...
Ganondorf: Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop!
Impa: I don't see why everyone has to be subjected to it. I've been 100% cooperative.
Lulu: Cough cough suck up! Cough.
Bob bursts into tears.
Bob: You're destroying my acting career! Waaaaaaaaah!
A.A: I am going to give you all one last chance. However, if you misbehave just an incy wincy bit, then I will be forced to sic Sonic on you.
All: Sonic?!
Ruto: You traitor! You're supposed to have a Legend of Zelda and Nintendo addiction!
A.A: OK, let me set you straight. One, I've been hooked to LOZ since hearing the somewhat whiny tones of Cartoon Link in the cartoon with the infamous catchphrase that my mother still uses when I get stroppy.
All: Well Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me Princess.
A.A: *grins* I love that. Two, Ocarina of Time is the most sensational, fantastic, unspeakably brilliant video game created by the hand of God, known to his friends as Mr Miyamoto and will never be beaten. NEVER.
anime animal waves at Mr Miyamoto
A.A: Arigato gozaimasu to ai shiteru Miyamoto-san!
All:...
A.A: But my third and final point is that long before Ocarina of Time was ever a cartridge there used to be a little blue 32-bit hedgehog who used to run around on my TV beating up robots and freeing all kinds of cute and furry animals as well as having a cartoon that was on at six o'clock on a Saturday morning that I used to watch religiously. And while Zelda games (or any game featuring my two favourite Hylians i.e. Smash Bros Melee) come top of my list everytime, Sonic will always be my second favourite.
Anju: *sniff* That is such a beautiful story!
The others look at her strangely.
Anju: Well it is!
A.A: So unless you start behaving then I am going to have to get the entire Sonic crew to come and beat you up. Is that understood?!
Ganondorf: Show me a hedgehog that I couldn't run over with my horse, I dare you.
A.A: Actually I thought I'd get Robotnik to sit on you.
Ganondorf: OK, I'll cooperate!
A.A: Excellent. Bob, Anju, into the woods!
Anju: Oh dear, it's dark and creepy and horrible in here and I don't like it.
Bob: Never mind Snow Anju, you'll be dead in a minute so the creepy trees won't bother you anymore.
Anju: WHAT?!
Bob: I said the creepy trees…
Anju: I heard what you said, I was saying 'what' in disbelief. I don't want to die!
Snow Anju starts to cry.
Bob: Oh Gods, don't start crying on me. Look, I'll tell you what, if you run away and never come back again, I'll fob your step-mother off with some story that you're actually dead but you'll be fine.
Anju: *sniff*
Bob: Off you go now.
Snow Anju runs off into the woods, having totally forgotten that they're supposed to scary.
Anju: No I haven't, it's just that I know I'll be safe in here, there are probably ents and this forest looks like Mirkwood…
anime animal begins to drool.
A.A: Legolas… Orlando…
Anju: Oh hell, now look what I've done.
Darunia appears and drags anime animal away.
Darunia: OK now, let's take you away so that you can get some help about this obsession…
A.A: It's not fair, I should have met him in the street and not my so-called friend Bea, it's not fair!!!!!!!
Darunia: Come on now, let's go and make a cup of tea…
A.A: But who's going to finish the story?
Darunia: Good point.
Anju walks along, whistling to herself. On closer inspection, one can hear that the song she is singing is in fact…
Anju: I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for the-is…
Ganondorf: Mah body's too bootylicious fo-or-or-or ya bay-beh eh eh eh eh ah!
Anju: Ganondorf, what is the obsession with Destiny's Child?
Ganondorf: How long have you got?
A.A: G-Dorf, my man…
Ganondorf: G-Dorf?
A.A: Yeah, term of endearment…
Ganondorf: Endearment? Wah, she has a crush on me!
A.A: Heh heh, NO!
Ganondorf: Why does no one like me?
A.A: You're evil. No one is supposed to like you. Anyway, your line is…
Ganondorf: I know, I know. Oh pretty girl who we think is really rather special, won't you come and live in our little dwarf…
A.A: Vertically challenged person's house…
Ganondorf: Vertically challenged person's house.
Anju: Um, our? We?
Ganondorf: Yeah! Roll call! Avaricious… *cackles evilly*
Malon: *grumbles* Pre Menstrual…
Nabooru: *rubs in fake tan* Fake Tanned…
Saria: *bouncing up and down* Hyperactive… Mido: *puffing out chest* Pretentious…Rauru: *stuffing face with cake* Gluttonous…
Ruto: *wincing* In considerable amounts of pain and considering Imac next time… I mean, Indecently Exposed.
A.A: Ew ew ew!
Anju smiles in a frightened sort of way, considering the fact that everyone except Mido and Saria are on their knees with trainers tied to them.
Anju: It's very nice to meet you all… *coughs* freaks!
They all go into the Vertically Challenged People's house. Meanwhile, back at the evil Queen's castle…
Impa: Bob, did you by any happy chance kill that nasty Snow Anju?
Bob: *snickers* Yes I did.
Impa: Do you have something up your nose or was that ridiculous noise just you laughing and pretending that I am so stupid that I did not notice the fact that you let Snow Anju off Scot-free?
Bob: Um…
Snow Anju: Oh this is ridiculous. If you want something done, do it yourself!
She gets huffy and puts a black pointy hat and picks up an apple.
Impa: Luckily, I prepared this witch's outfit and poisoned apple because I knew you'd betray me. Good henchmen are surprisingly hard to find these days…
Bob: *gulp*
Impa: So when I come back, I expect to find you tarred and feathered and wearing a ribbon with a card that has the words 'For Ruto's Pleasure Only' written on it.
Ruto: Hey!
Bob: Oh no, please no. Anything but that!
A.A: Impa, are you sure you have no evil genes in you?
Impa: Oh no, I'm just a very convincing actress.
A.A: Good, cause with a punishment like that, you're really giving G-Dorf a run for his money.
Ruto and Ganondorf: HEY!
Back to the small house. Anju is sweeping the floor.
Anju: Now I know where Zelda was coming from with her demands of action from the House Elf Liberation Front…
A.A: Now now, don't go down that road. They'll get tired of it. And ??? doesn't like Harry Potter.
Anju: Oops. Sorry.
A.A: Carry on.
Anju: Like all the great Fairytale heroines I wish to be swept off my feet by a handsome prince. Someone tall, and blonde, and wearing green…
Kafei *from off stage*: HEY!Anju: Well sweetie, you've never actually saved anyone. That's Link's job.
Kafei: But you still love me?
Anju: Yes.
Kafei: Good enough for me.
Anju: OK, let me sing a suitable song for this manual labour which I've been forced to do.
A.A: If it's Bootylicious, I'm going to have to set my dog on you.
Anju: So what do I sing while I'm doing manual labour…Hang on, didn't I just run away from this?
A.A: Um, yes.
Anju: So why am I putting up with it again and this time from a whole load of scary Zelda characters with trainers tied to their knees?
A.A: Cause it's in the story…
Anju: OK, by now Zelda and Link would have ended the story in an inconvenient and abrupt place by running off to do unmentionable things to each other. Why is this not OK for me?
A.A: Because to you, I am God.
Anju: And?
A.A: Well… I'm God.
Impa: Hello?
A.A: Saved by the Sheikah!
Anju: Hello.
Impa: Do you want an apple? This is a very nice apple that you're going to enjoy eating because it's special. And no, I'm not your wicked stepmother in a pointy hat.
Anju: I'd love an apple. Thankyou.
Anju eats the apple and falls on the floor, presumably dead. Vertically challenged people run in. (Or try to, it's not easy to run on your knees…)
Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Impa: Hahahaha ha! Now my evil plan is complete!
She vanishes in a puff of smoke.
Malon: OK, so what do we do with the body in the kitchen?
Saria: What body?
Malon: Anju's body.
Mido: Anju's body isn't in the kitchen.
Everyone stares at the floor where Anju's body is meant to be.
Ganondorf: Wah, the body's run away!
Rauru: Ooh, apple.
Rauru eats the apple and falls on the floor, presumably dead.
Ruto: So what do we do about that body and the missing one?
Nabooru checks Rauru's pulse.
Nabooru: It's OK, he's still alive.
Rauru produces flatulence.
All: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
A.A: Heh heh, I told you to behave. Now find Anju!
The vertically challenged people run around the house looking for Anju.
Saria *looking in cupboard*: Anju?
Mido *looking behind sofa*: Anju?
Ganondorf *looking in bathtub*: Anju?
Ruto *looking in toilet*: Anju?
A.A: OK, why?
Ruto: You never know…
Nabooru: Panic over, I've found them!
All: THEM?!The Vertically Challenged people follow Nabooru upstairs where we discover Anju and Kafei are making out on a bed.
Anju: We got bored.
Kafei: Yep.
Anju: And we thought 'If Zelda and Link can use the bedroom up here for carnal activities then so can we.'
Saria: There's a carnival up here?
anime animal slaps her palm against her head.
Zelda *sticking her head out from underneath a duvet*: Do you mind? We're trying to get some us time here…
Link *sticking his head out from underneath the same duvet*: Yeah.
Ruto: You've done it again! My Gods, you're sullying the entire Fairytale World!
Malon: You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
Zelda: Four.
Link: Yeah, four!
Anju: Oh come off it, if we can't have lemons anymore then what are we supposed to do? We can't be celibate for the rest of our lives.
Kafei: And as long as we're all consenting adults then I don't see what the problem is.
A.A: I agree. If people are mature enough to handle scenes and activities of an adult nature then I see no reason at all in such material being banned.
Impa: You're bitching about it again…
A.A: Yes I am bitching about it again. BRING BACK NC-17!
Saria: I think I'll end this before we get into a debate…
THE END!
A.A: This is not the end, it's the beginning!
Zelda: She means of her rant, not the story. It's definitely the end.
Link: Can I rant too?
Zelda: Yes, let's all rant together.
Link, Zelda and anime animal: BRING BACK NC-17!
(next up on Fairytales Go Wrong… Hansel and Gretel…)
Right, I'm off to pack for Greece. More updates coming next week!