Author's Note: As the title indicates, this fic was inspired by the song "All Or Nothing", which is surprising since I really, really dislike O-Town. But I do have the punk version of the song as performed by Fake ID, so that redeems it a little. Then I got this idea to form a rather bizarre pairing. So let me know how that concept turns out. It's a bit longer than most other stories I've written, but I've got almost the whole thing thought out. So I'll continue writing tonight and see if I can get the second half up tomorrow ("tomorrow" most likely meaning 2:00 AM PST, hehe).

-----

There's a story to be told today, and for once, our own Gerald is not the Keeper of the Tale. This time, it's my turn to tell it, rather than ushering in Gerald. That's not to say he's ever disappointed his audiences when reciting urban legends, in fact he's great at it. That experience from his childhood must be what helped him win that huge trophy for the Speech and Debate team, even though it's not as wicked awesome as the basketball trophy he helped win sophomore year.

Anyway, this story isn't just another urban legend. It's a story from my own life. A tale of love and heartbreak with the most unlikely girl.

You see, I once tried to win the heart of Helga G. Pataki.

I can tell this is going to need a lot of explanation. You see, Helga was always the bully in grade school. Everybody feared her. We never quite hated her, but life would have been much nicer if she hadn't been around. But I guess life would have been a lot more boring too. The neighborhood just wouldn't have been the same without her. So we suffered through her insults and mood swings and beatings. No one really understood why she was so mean, although some people tried. Phoebe must have; why else would she have been best friends with the girl? I know Arnold tried a lot, but look at how much she tormented him for trying. Later I would figure out that wasn't the entire explanation for her persistence in harassing Arnold, but that comes later in the story.

When we all entered middle school, Helga started softening a little. She wasn't as aggressive as in elementary school, but she still had quite a temper. She still looked like the same old Helga, but she only beat you up if you were stupid enough to pester her and test her patience. That patience was pretty short, but at least the beatings were only a defensive tactic and she didn't actively pick on the rest of us.

The summer before freshman year seemed especially long as we waited anxiously to become high schoolers. None of us saw Helga that summer, except for Phoebe, who said she had gone out of the state for vacation. So when the first day of school started and my biology class that morning began and the teacher began calling roll I received one of the biggest shocks of my life. I remember noticing that all the other guys I knew from elementary school wore a similar dazed expression as we all turned to look at the girl who walked into the classroom, addressing herself as Helga Pataki. Boy howdy, was she hot!

Wherever she had visited that summer, it had sure helped her change a lot. Judging by the smooth tan of her skin, it was somewhere near a beach. Her hair was pulled back into a sparkling, flowing blonde cascade with highlights that had to have been enhanced by the same sun that gave her that perfect shade of tan. She now had two distinct eyebrows that were maybe a little too dark for her hair, but that didn't matter much when you considered her bright blue eyes, and the way her clothes showed off her slender body, including her long legs. Yeah, she was hot.

I had leaned over to Stinky and whispered, "Do you think that's actually Helga?"

"Ah dunno, Sid. Ah s'pose it's entirely possible, but willikers, she sure has changed!"

"You can say that again."

"Willikers, she—"

"Shut up, Stinky."

You'd think that over the years Stinky's accent would have faded a bit as he lived in the city, but I guess the world could only handle so much change, and Helga's appearance that year was more than enough. And you'd think the guy would have gotten a little bit brighter too, but I guess that was hoping for too much.

Several other whispered conversations amongst Helga's old classmates were carried on across the room, and she had to have noticed all the glances throughout the period, and some of the flat-out stares. She did her best to ignore them though.

That year, many a boy tried to capture Helga's attention. But it turned out that her personality hadn't changed as much as her appearance. Instead of being so mean, she was now just aloof. She was never exactly close, but now she didn't even show her anger towards others. There were no more sarcastic, biting comments unasked for. She kept quiet and distant from everyone. She was the most beautiful antisocial girl at our school, anyway. In elementary school, at least she hung out with us guys, joining our conversations and games and such. Now she literally only talked to Phoebe, unless she was called on in class by a teacher.

But I heard that she was still able to scare off all those guys who asked her out. Not through force now, since none of them ever came back bruised. Helga still wasn't anything of a charmer, even if she looked like one now.

It's because of all that that I don't understand how in the world I managed to be the first guy she said "yes" to. I don't know why I even attempted the challenge. But something in me made me strike up a bet with Stinky one day during our junior year.

"Hey Stinky, I betcha I can get any girl to go out on a date with me. Even Helga."

"What makes ya think that fer?"

"I'm just gonna test out the ol' Sid charm, and I'm pretty confident it'll work."

"Oh all right. How much are yer gonna bet me?"

"Twenty bucks."

"That's enough fer me ta buy that there new CD I's been a'wantin'. Good luck, Sid," he snickered.

We had been at our lockers at the time, and across the hall from them was the library, where I knew Helga would be. I had marched across the hall and pushed open the library door with that confidence I had told Stinky about, but when the door had shut behind me I felt like reaching for my wallet and just walking back to hand Stinky his money. But I kept going anyway, I guess thinking of how I really had nothing to lose. I could win back my money pretty easily, 'cause like I said, Stinky's not the brightest lightbulb in the box.

So finally there I stood in front of Helga. She was reading a thick book, and was so absorbed that she hadn't noticed me yet. I felt a bit nervous standing there, wondering what I should say to get her attention, or if I should just wait and let her notice me on her own. And I worried whether I looked okay. You see, whereas Helga had transformed into such a beautiful creature, I hadn't changed too much. I still had a big nose, and that made me a bit insecure, I'll admit. So I breathed a deep sigh, and hoped I had remembered to zip up my fly after visiting the men's room, and spoke.

"Hey Helga."

She looked up in mild surprise, one eyebrow raised as she studied me for a moment.

"Yes, Sid?"

"Umm, erm, I was just wondering, uh, could I sit here?" I finally managed, motioning to the chair across the table from her.

"Sure, whatever floats your boat," she answered, as she picked up her book to resume reading.

I sat, and mentally kicked myself. This was definitely not going well. "So … Helga…."

"Yes?" she said, with a slightly impatient tone.

"I was wondering if you happened to have any plans this Saturday?"

"Nope"

"Then would you, um, like to spend the day with me?"

She froze, then began slowly lowering the book to look me in the eyes. She studied me once more, before shrugging. "Sure."

That's about when I fainted, and my world went black.