I really needed a lot of time to get myself to write this, didn't I? I'm so sorry. But my best friend (Mirri/Keimos) just moved to another city last weekend and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, because I'll hardly ever see her from now on. I hope you understand…

Besides, I knew this chapter would come for a long time, and it really scared me. I think it is my personal horror-chapter of this fic because I just never knew how exactly to write. So please try to forgive me if it sucks… ^^

Chapter VI

By Kia

*** ***

"Alexandria?" Zidane's voice sounded strange as he looked at Blank with eyes that seemed just too large in the dim twilight that filled the room. "No."

"What do you mean, 'no'?" Blank asked, even though he knew the answer.

"'No, I'm not going there."

"You are!" the redhead grumbled. "It was hard enough for us to find a doctor who isn't only able to help you but also willing to do it. So you are going there, or we will make you." The tone of his voice left no room for complaining. "The Boss spoke with the Queen, you can stay at the castle while you are there."  Blank saw his friend flinch a little at the mention of Queen Garnet, probably remembering their almost romance a long time ago, and he almost regretted reminding him. The redhead never knew what exactly happened between the two of them, but he supposed that they'd be able to get along for a little while. And if not, well, the castle was large enough to stay away from each other for a long time if needed. Still, Zidane didn't look very happy about it.

"I don't need a doctor!" he explained. "I'm fine, you know?"

"For sure!" was all Blank said as he looked at his friend. Zidane didn't look 'fine', though not as bad as two days ago, when he scared the hell out of him and everyone else. But he was still pale, with dark circles under his eyes and an exhausted expression on his face.

"But I am feeling better!" the blonde boy said with a hint of desperation in his voice. Apparently he really didn't want to go. Blank only shook his head.

"Like the last time you were 'feeling better', hu? No way!" Zidane tried to say something but Blank cut him off, thinking that this would have been far more easy if Baku had lead this conversation instead of him.  "You are going! Marcus organised a place on a airship for you. It's leaving tomorrow."

Again Zidane opened his mouth to speak but this time stopped himself. He leaned back against the pillow, suddenly looking very tired.

"Whatever." he said and closed his eyes.

***

The next afternoon Zidane was standing in front of the ship, cuddled into a too large coat though it wasn't even that cold anymore. Only Blank and Marcus were with him since the others had some business to do somewhere else.

The ship was starting from a meadow outside Lindblum. The sky was grey though it didn't look like it would rain anytime soon and a cool wind blew through the high grass, though not cool enough to make them frown. It was a strange day, Blank couldn't help but think. Like the time had stopped just for this one moment.

After their talk the day before Zidane had stopped complaining, silently accepting his fate. Blank had told him he'd follow as soon as possible to be there for him if he was needed, but Zidane had just smiled, and shook his head. It had made Blank feel strange, uneasy, but he didn't knew why.

Now he was leaving and somehow it felt like forever. Blank wanted to say something but couldn't for he found no words, nothing, and the time kept standing for just a little bit longer. The words were there, he knew it, but he couldn't find them, and when he did, they wouldn't leave his mouth. So he just waited until Marcus ruffled Zidane's hair and told him to be good, and Zidane said something in return Blank couldn't understand, but whatever it was, it made Marcus laugh and playfully slap his head. Then the old ship was ready to start and Blank saw his friend turn around and walk on board, saw him turn around again and wave as it left the ground, saw the wind playing with his hair. He saw him standing at the railing as the ship moved farther and farther away form them, heard his voice, carried trough the air when the ship was just too far away for anyone to reach.

"Ne, Blank." Zidane said and he smiled. Only at Blank, and his smile just made him want do cry. "Goodbye."

Then he was gone and the time started moving again, and Blank felt himself running through the grass, screaming Zidane's name while the ship was already far above the earth, moving higher and higher to join with the clouds.

***

The sky was still grey, light grey, not dark but with no ray of light coming through the clouds. It was a sad colour, but also comforting, as the ship entered the cloud, the ground invisible as if it wouldn't exist.

The wind blew stronger here, and still it was a calm moment, frozen in time. For Zidane the world had yet to start turning again and he knew it never would.

The pain in his lungs was still there, never leaving, just coming back with every breath he took but right now it seemed so very far away. As if it belonged to someone else, not him. Still he knew that it would probably kill him. He had felt Death place a hand on his shoulder already and it hadn't left since them. It could pull him down any time, he knew it and felt no fear, felt nothing in the serene emptiness inside him.

He wanted it to stay, but he knew, once the river of time started flowing again the emptiness would leave and the pain would take its place once again.

Zidane looked up to the grey clouds around him and thought that maybe this was his punishment for letting his brother die. But how could it be? How could a painful death be worse than a life without him? A life with nothing but pain and guilt and loss to fill his heart? No, that couldn't be it. Maybe it was rather a helpful hand to get him out of the pain that was eating him from inside since Kuja had decided to escape his own pain the easy way. He didn't need it, though.

Maybe he was alone on deck, maybe not. Zidane could see no one around him nor did he care as he climbed onto the railing and sad down on it, letting his legs hang freely into nothingness.

A lone feather somehow got stuck in the wood beside him, fluttering helplessly in the wind. Zidane smiled a little as he watched it tremble as if trying to get away. Then he reached out and freed it, keeping it in the hollow of his hands for a moment, thinking of Blank. Guilt stuck him once again as he realised that he was about to leave his friend just the same way Kuja left him. He had thought he was stronger than that.

But after along time of struggling against the hope to be free from pain and, just maybe, meet Kuja again he'd given up. The calling of peace and silence was too strong.

Slowly, he lifted his hands up to his face and softly brushed his lips against the feather he was still holding.

"I'm sorry." he whispered quietly and hoped that Blank would understand.

He remembered the look on his face when he left him, when Blank finally understood the meaning of his words and a sad smile touched his lips as he looked at the feather one more time, hoping that Blank would somehow get his message and someday, maybe, would be able to forgive him.

Since he couldn't forgive himself.

Then he opened his hand and let the feather go, small and soft and white, just sitting there in silence and watching it as it was blown away by the wind.

-tbc-

August 7, 2002

Oh, yay, pretty awful, ne? I don't know if I'm contend with it… Uh, anyway, there are only two more parts to write. Then it's finally finished… ^^

Hmm, theoretically FFN has to go down for another few days just in this moment, because it usually does that almost every time I want to upload something… Hm, does that mean if I stop uploading FFN would never go down again? Maybe I should just try it… ^^