Disclaimer: We don't own Jarod, Miss Parker, The Centre, Sydney, Broots, Raines, Mr Parker, Lyle, Brigitte, Zoe, Thomas, Parker's drink, her house, NBC and other three letter places that 'know drama' (I wanna meet drama), the car, the road they're driving on, the annoying lady, the elevator, or the one bed. That's depressing. There's some other stuff we don't own, too. Like, Miss P's pretty socks or Bugs Bunny or the sexy song. And we don't own any part of Ms Congeniality Or the Faith Hill song that Parker sings. There goes my self esteem for the day. Okay, I think we're done now. No, yes, umm.. yea. I know, right?
Authors' Note: Hello! This is our story. It is now 12 am so please understand. This is the first story of hopefully many of ours together. La la la la la blah blah blah. Just read it, it will either crack you up or scare you... it did both for us. And we havn't even written it yet. We just know that this will crack us up. Okay, enough rambling and useless blabbering.... On with the show! Wait, this is a story, on with the story! Or on with the fanfic!!! That was an incomplete sentence Mac. Shutup Aqua! Whatever....
Road Trip
part 1 - Hang Ups
by Aqua & Mac
"I never did like these things. They package them all wrong. I can never get them out and by the time you do they look all deterigated and inedible," Jarod grumbled over the phone.
"What the hell are you talking about, Wonder Boy," I demanded.
"Fruit Roll Ups. Hey, would you look at that, it came off. Well, most of it came off."
"I can't look at that because I'm not there. Why don't you tell me where you are so I can come see your fruit toys."
"Oh neat, they have pictures, too."
"Are you sure you're the genius I can't catch? My life has officially drained down the hole," I muttered, "Now what do you want?"
"I want to talk to you," he innocently replied.
"We don't talk. You annoy, and I get pissed."
"Oh is that how you feel? Well, Parker, why didn't you ever tell me?" he mocked.
"Jarod! Why did you call me once again, besides to torment me," I yelled into the reciever. Why does he always have to piss me off right before the coffee comes?
"Ouch, that hurt. This is simply an invitation."
"An invitation for what?"
"An invitation for love," Jarod replied slyly. Just then he heard a click, "Parker? Uh, Parker are you there? Umm ... Parker?"
I smiled to myself. I have always wanted to do that. Jarod is always the first one to play the hang up game. I can just imagine him still blabbering away on the other end. He'll never know I'm gone. The phone started shrieking again. No, he was not calling back again.
"What!?"
"You hung up on me."
"I believe that would fall into the 'no shiznit' category."
"What's a shiz-nit?"
"Oh Lord help me now."
"Well you never let me explain my invite."
"No, I'm sick of you and your gags."
"Wait- Parker!"
There was that annoying dial tone again. Two times in five minutes, that's gotta be a bad sign, I thought. Oh well, she'll get over it eventually. She can really hold a grudge. I remember one time when we were kids. I got her mad and she wouldn't talk to me for three and a half weeks, but that's another story I'd rather not delve into. Well, if she was going to be difficult, then I'd have to get her attention the old fashioned way. Some sedatives might come in handy.
*****************
Well, that was satisfying. I certainly do enjoy hanging up on that boy. I should do it more often. Its almost theraputic. I believe another glass of tequila would certainly settle me in for the night. Ring Ring Ring. What is that incessant noise? Oh, its that telephone I've owned for quite some time now. To answer, or not to answer, that is the question. Whether it be Jarod, or my father I do not know. Of course, I'm sure its Jarod. He's the only one who would bother to call at this hour. And Daddy, well, he just wouldn't bother to call. I should pick up the phone now, but it is rather enjoyable to just sit on my sofa and wallow in self pity. Lets see who is on the other end.
"Hello, welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
"Parker, are you okay?"
"I'm peaaachy keeeeen. Chilling, having a round. And how are you," I emphasized with a finger pointed at the fireplace," on this fiiiiiine lovely evening, Jarod?"
"Okay, how may drinks have you had? You're slurring just a tad."
"Ummm.... I- uh. I dunno. I kinda lost count after seven." Why the hell does he care. Its none of his business. Ooooh, I have pretty socks. I look good.
"Jarod. Do you think I look good?"
"Uh- what?" Hee hee, I caught ratboy off guard. He wants to daaaaaaaate me, he wants to huuuuuuuuuuug me, he wants to looooooove me.
"I'm too sexy for my gun, too sexy for my skirts. So sexy it hurts. On the catwalk-"
"Parker-"
"On the catwalk-"
"Parker! Get a grip. Take a chill pill! Wait, scratch the pill taking suggestion."
"Ooooooooh, Jarod. You really are a genius...."
"No! Parker! No pills!"
"Why? Pills are fun, so small, so colorful. What's not to love?"
"The side effects," Jarod told me. Side effects?
"What side effects? There are side effects? They should put that on the bottle."
"Well, most people are intelligent enough to know-"
"Are you calling me stupid, Labrat? Cause if you're calling me stupid I could take you down in a heartbeat. Bring it on!"
"Parker! Stay calm!"
"Oh, I'm calm. You havn't seen me angry yet. Oh no, boy! 'Cause I fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee-"
Ooh! Sudden force of impact. Everything's kinda dark. What happened?
"Parker?"
Was I talking to someone. Someone's calling the name Parker. Oh yeah, that's me! Darn, those things slide fast. Whew! I didn't know chairs could do that! Dang it! Its like 20 MPH! Can you say whiplash? Wow, Thomas did a great job on the ceiling! Its pretty. I see fish. Are they supposed to be there? Maybe-
"Parker are you okay?"
"What..."
"Parker. Go to bed right now."
"Stop telling me what to do! You always tell me what to do! You are sooo off my Christmas card list! No yummiful candy canes for you! Don't you dare try to argue. No! End of story, a buh bye now."
Click.
That's so satisfying. Who was I talking to again? He said something about pills didn't he? Maybe I'm supposed to take some? Here they are. Oh these stupid child proof locks! Damn it! I can never get them off! Hey bugs bunny! He's on the bottle! How'd he get there? Oh well...
*******************
Woah, okay. Parker is really scaring me right about now. Its a good thing I'm not far away. I hop into my car and drive to her house. The Parker I just talked to is a little different from the one who always stalks around in a micro mini skirt with a scowl on her face, clutching her gun like a security blanket. God, she totes that thing around like she's 'Little Miss Rambo' or something. But then again, any guy in his right mind couldn't complain about those micro mini skirts she wears. Who wouldn't want her chasing after them in those ten inch heels and those outfits. God, that girl is amazing! Okay, moving along to the kidnapping of 'the Parker.' I fling the door open and there she is lying on the floor clutching the bottle of tequila like a lifeline. There is a bottle of advil lying next to her. Knowing how Parker holds her alcohol I figure I have at least four hours before she wakes up with a life-size hang over. I drag her by the hair towards the door- hah, just kidding. Simply wishful thinking. I pick her up and carry her to the backseat. I don't want her blowing chunks all over my new rental. Yes, I know, I've picked up some new vocabulary since my escape from Hell.
Five hours later, she's still out. Where am I going? Oooh lookit- Parker's waking up.
"Would you like some PEZ?"
"I think I'm gonna hurl," she told me.
"What?"
"A technicolor yawn."
"Huh?"
"Selling buicks off the back porch."
"Come again?"
"Tossing your cookies... vomiting!"
"You came up with all those versions for saying 'vomiting' all by yourself?"
"No, they wrote a book."
"Who?"
"Never mind! Man you have more Mal Moments than I do!"
"What's that?" She is really confusing me.
"Its like a blonde moment."
"And that would be..." Why can't she just say things outright?
"Its like when you're always lost in the conversation. You don't know what's going on."
"Well why would you discriminate against someone because of the color of their hair?"
"You really don't understand do you?"
"No."
"Well at least he's honest," she mumbled, "Wait a minute! Where the hell am I? Why are you here? This isn't my bed or was it my floor?"
"It was the floor," then I added with a perk in my voice, "I kidnapped you."
"What?" she said with genuine confusion.
"We're on the run from The Centre. Welcome to my world, Miss P!"
"You call me that again, you earn yourself a free rendezvous with my gun's bullet."
"I think we need to stop at a hotel don't you think so, Miss Parker?" I asked, gingerly avoiding the topic of me being shot, again.
"What does my decision matter? I'm the one being held hostage, remember?"
"Oh yeah. But that doesn't mean you don't get any say in where we say. I know that you were never appreciative of those half star hotels I've lived in."
"Stop now. There is a hotel with no cockroaches crawling out the cracks."
"Okay!" That didn't take long.
****************
"Would you like the newlywed's suite, Sugar? I can always tell who the newlyweds are," some bubbly blonde receptionist asked me.
"Just get us a room! Now," I walked over to Jarod and mumbled under my breath, "I swear to God if she calls me 'Sugar' one more time she'll have a new sky light in the top of her head to boast at the next PTA meeting."
"What is a PTA meeting?"
"Nevermind."
He cleared his throat, "Yes, we'd like the newlywed suite-"
"Jarod! Don't you dare-" Okay, hand over the mouth really not original. But dang it its working.
"Samantha here, tends to ramble a little bit. Ever since the doctor told her she had been blessed with child she has been blabbering to every poor soul she meets."
Okay, it was right about now that my eyes bulged and I wanted to slap that cocky grin off his face.
"Room 817, Sugar."
"Thank you. Come along, Honey!"
I was then dragged down the hallway to the elevator. When the doors finally closed, I gave Jarod what he deserved, "How the hell could you tell that bimbo that we are married?! Oh, and me pregnant with your child- yeah. I'd have to be drunk off my ass to even contemplate that thought-"
"You Parker. Drunk? That could never happen! I mean you're so innocent and pure you could never be overwhelmed by alcohol, let alone have lascivious thoughts like that."
I just brush off his childish remark and march into our room. Problem. Problem. Problem. There is one bed. Did I say two? NO, I said one. Two people, one bed, big problem.
"Okay, well you better call room service and get some pillows so you can get comfortable on the floor."
"I am not sleeping on the floor, Parker."
"Okay, fine. I sleep in the bed, you sleep in the bath tub."
"I am not sleeping in the bath tub. I'll get scoliosis! Plus, you'll probably turn cold water on. You sleep in the bath tub!"
"Why should I?"
"Because you're my hostage and I said so!"
"I'm sleeping in the bed. End of story."
"No you're not. I payed for the room!"
"Did I say you had to pay for the room? No- I offered. But then again you didn't hear me becuase you had some desire to place your hand over my mouth!"
"Okay. Compromise. We can both sleep in the bed."
"... Umm... no. Let's not and say we didn't!"
"It's the only fair solution, Parker. You know it."
"Why do you always have to win?"
"Because."
"Because has never been the answer to any logical question ever asked. And you know it," there was a pause, "Fine!"
I climbed into the bed, exhausted, "Keep your cooties to yourself!"
"Cooties?"
Two and a half hours, one broken chair, two growling stomachs, and two sleep deprived teenagers later, you get this first installment of Road Trip...... It was a lot of fun writing it and going back to edit it would just defeat the purpose of this spur of the moment idea so this is exactly how we wrote it, laughing, with tears in our eyes. My parents are going to kill me when they see this broken chair! Agh! Oh and don't expect to actually learn anything from this. Its simply off the wall and funny and stuff and yea too many words to describe it. Mac, that's a run-on. Aqua, you are so technical! I'm writing this stupid story with you aren't I???
Authors' Note: Hello! This is our story. It is now 12 am so please understand. This is the first story of hopefully many of ours together. La la la la la blah blah blah. Just read it, it will either crack you up or scare you... it did both for us. And we havn't even written it yet. We just know that this will crack us up. Okay, enough rambling and useless blabbering.... On with the show! Wait, this is a story, on with the story! Or on with the fanfic!!! That was an incomplete sentence Mac. Shutup Aqua! Whatever....
Road Trip
part 1 - Hang Ups
by Aqua & Mac
"I never did like these things. They package them all wrong. I can never get them out and by the time you do they look all deterigated and inedible," Jarod grumbled over the phone.
"What the hell are you talking about, Wonder Boy," I demanded.
"Fruit Roll Ups. Hey, would you look at that, it came off. Well, most of it came off."
"I can't look at that because I'm not there. Why don't you tell me where you are so I can come see your fruit toys."
"Oh neat, they have pictures, too."
"Are you sure you're the genius I can't catch? My life has officially drained down the hole," I muttered, "Now what do you want?"
"I want to talk to you," he innocently replied.
"We don't talk. You annoy, and I get pissed."
"Oh is that how you feel? Well, Parker, why didn't you ever tell me?" he mocked.
"Jarod! Why did you call me once again, besides to torment me," I yelled into the reciever. Why does he always have to piss me off right before the coffee comes?
"Ouch, that hurt. This is simply an invitation."
"An invitation for what?"
"An invitation for love," Jarod replied slyly. Just then he heard a click, "Parker? Uh, Parker are you there? Umm ... Parker?"
I smiled to myself. I have always wanted to do that. Jarod is always the first one to play the hang up game. I can just imagine him still blabbering away on the other end. He'll never know I'm gone. The phone started shrieking again. No, he was not calling back again.
"What!?"
"You hung up on me."
"I believe that would fall into the 'no shiznit' category."
"What's a shiz-nit?"
"Oh Lord help me now."
"Well you never let me explain my invite."
"No, I'm sick of you and your gags."
"Wait- Parker!"
There was that annoying dial tone again. Two times in five minutes, that's gotta be a bad sign, I thought. Oh well, she'll get over it eventually. She can really hold a grudge. I remember one time when we were kids. I got her mad and she wouldn't talk to me for three and a half weeks, but that's another story I'd rather not delve into. Well, if she was going to be difficult, then I'd have to get her attention the old fashioned way. Some sedatives might come in handy.
*****************
Well, that was satisfying. I certainly do enjoy hanging up on that boy. I should do it more often. Its almost theraputic. I believe another glass of tequila would certainly settle me in for the night. Ring Ring Ring. What is that incessant noise? Oh, its that telephone I've owned for quite some time now. To answer, or not to answer, that is the question. Whether it be Jarod, or my father I do not know. Of course, I'm sure its Jarod. He's the only one who would bother to call at this hour. And Daddy, well, he just wouldn't bother to call. I should pick up the phone now, but it is rather enjoyable to just sit on my sofa and wallow in self pity. Lets see who is on the other end.
"Hello, welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
"Parker, are you okay?"
"I'm peaaachy keeeeen. Chilling, having a round. And how are you," I emphasized with a finger pointed at the fireplace," on this fiiiiiine lovely evening, Jarod?"
"Okay, how may drinks have you had? You're slurring just a tad."
"Ummm.... I- uh. I dunno. I kinda lost count after seven." Why the hell does he care. Its none of his business. Ooooh, I have pretty socks. I look good.
"Jarod. Do you think I look good?"
"Uh- what?" Hee hee, I caught ratboy off guard. He wants to daaaaaaaate me, he wants to huuuuuuuuuuug me, he wants to looooooove me.
"I'm too sexy for my gun, too sexy for my skirts. So sexy it hurts. On the catwalk-"
"Parker-"
"On the catwalk-"
"Parker! Get a grip. Take a chill pill! Wait, scratch the pill taking suggestion."
"Ooooooooh, Jarod. You really are a genius...."
"No! Parker! No pills!"
"Why? Pills are fun, so small, so colorful. What's not to love?"
"The side effects," Jarod told me. Side effects?
"What side effects? There are side effects? They should put that on the bottle."
"Well, most people are intelligent enough to know-"
"Are you calling me stupid, Labrat? Cause if you're calling me stupid I could take you down in a heartbeat. Bring it on!"
"Parker! Stay calm!"
"Oh, I'm calm. You havn't seen me angry yet. Oh no, boy! 'Cause I fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee-"
Ooh! Sudden force of impact. Everything's kinda dark. What happened?
"Parker?"
Was I talking to someone. Someone's calling the name Parker. Oh yeah, that's me! Darn, those things slide fast. Whew! I didn't know chairs could do that! Dang it! Its like 20 MPH! Can you say whiplash? Wow, Thomas did a great job on the ceiling! Its pretty. I see fish. Are they supposed to be there? Maybe-
"Parker are you okay?"
"What..."
"Parker. Go to bed right now."
"Stop telling me what to do! You always tell me what to do! You are sooo off my Christmas card list! No yummiful candy canes for you! Don't you dare try to argue. No! End of story, a buh bye now."
Click.
That's so satisfying. Who was I talking to again? He said something about pills didn't he? Maybe I'm supposed to take some? Here they are. Oh these stupid child proof locks! Damn it! I can never get them off! Hey bugs bunny! He's on the bottle! How'd he get there? Oh well...
*******************
Woah, okay. Parker is really scaring me right about now. Its a good thing I'm not far away. I hop into my car and drive to her house. The Parker I just talked to is a little different from the one who always stalks around in a micro mini skirt with a scowl on her face, clutching her gun like a security blanket. God, she totes that thing around like she's 'Little Miss Rambo' or something. But then again, any guy in his right mind couldn't complain about those micro mini skirts she wears. Who wouldn't want her chasing after them in those ten inch heels and those outfits. God, that girl is amazing! Okay, moving along to the kidnapping of 'the Parker.' I fling the door open and there she is lying on the floor clutching the bottle of tequila like a lifeline. There is a bottle of advil lying next to her. Knowing how Parker holds her alcohol I figure I have at least four hours before she wakes up with a life-size hang over. I drag her by the hair towards the door- hah, just kidding. Simply wishful thinking. I pick her up and carry her to the backseat. I don't want her blowing chunks all over my new rental. Yes, I know, I've picked up some new vocabulary since my escape from Hell.
Five hours later, she's still out. Where am I going? Oooh lookit- Parker's waking up.
"Would you like some PEZ?"
"I think I'm gonna hurl," she told me.
"What?"
"A technicolor yawn."
"Huh?"
"Selling buicks off the back porch."
"Come again?"
"Tossing your cookies... vomiting!"
"You came up with all those versions for saying 'vomiting' all by yourself?"
"No, they wrote a book."
"Who?"
"Never mind! Man you have more Mal Moments than I do!"
"What's that?" She is really confusing me.
"Its like a blonde moment."
"And that would be..." Why can't she just say things outright?
"Its like when you're always lost in the conversation. You don't know what's going on."
"Well why would you discriminate against someone because of the color of their hair?"
"You really don't understand do you?"
"No."
"Well at least he's honest," she mumbled, "Wait a minute! Where the hell am I? Why are you here? This isn't my bed or was it my floor?"
"It was the floor," then I added with a perk in my voice, "I kidnapped you."
"What?" she said with genuine confusion.
"We're on the run from The Centre. Welcome to my world, Miss P!"
"You call me that again, you earn yourself a free rendezvous with my gun's bullet."
"I think we need to stop at a hotel don't you think so, Miss Parker?" I asked, gingerly avoiding the topic of me being shot, again.
"What does my decision matter? I'm the one being held hostage, remember?"
"Oh yeah. But that doesn't mean you don't get any say in where we say. I know that you were never appreciative of those half star hotels I've lived in."
"Stop now. There is a hotel with no cockroaches crawling out the cracks."
"Okay!" That didn't take long.
****************
"Would you like the newlywed's suite, Sugar? I can always tell who the newlyweds are," some bubbly blonde receptionist asked me.
"Just get us a room! Now," I walked over to Jarod and mumbled under my breath, "I swear to God if she calls me 'Sugar' one more time she'll have a new sky light in the top of her head to boast at the next PTA meeting."
"What is a PTA meeting?"
"Nevermind."
He cleared his throat, "Yes, we'd like the newlywed suite-"
"Jarod! Don't you dare-" Okay, hand over the mouth really not original. But dang it its working.
"Samantha here, tends to ramble a little bit. Ever since the doctor told her she had been blessed with child she has been blabbering to every poor soul she meets."
Okay, it was right about now that my eyes bulged and I wanted to slap that cocky grin off his face.
"Room 817, Sugar."
"Thank you. Come along, Honey!"
I was then dragged down the hallway to the elevator. When the doors finally closed, I gave Jarod what he deserved, "How the hell could you tell that bimbo that we are married?! Oh, and me pregnant with your child- yeah. I'd have to be drunk off my ass to even contemplate that thought-"
"You Parker. Drunk? That could never happen! I mean you're so innocent and pure you could never be overwhelmed by alcohol, let alone have lascivious thoughts like that."
I just brush off his childish remark and march into our room. Problem. Problem. Problem. There is one bed. Did I say two? NO, I said one. Two people, one bed, big problem.
"Okay, well you better call room service and get some pillows so you can get comfortable on the floor."
"I am not sleeping on the floor, Parker."
"Okay, fine. I sleep in the bed, you sleep in the bath tub."
"I am not sleeping in the bath tub. I'll get scoliosis! Plus, you'll probably turn cold water on. You sleep in the bath tub!"
"Why should I?"
"Because you're my hostage and I said so!"
"I'm sleeping in the bed. End of story."
"No you're not. I payed for the room!"
"Did I say you had to pay for the room? No- I offered. But then again you didn't hear me becuase you had some desire to place your hand over my mouth!"
"Okay. Compromise. We can both sleep in the bed."
"... Umm... no. Let's not and say we didn't!"
"It's the only fair solution, Parker. You know it."
"Why do you always have to win?"
"Because."
"Because has never been the answer to any logical question ever asked. And you know it," there was a pause, "Fine!"
I climbed into the bed, exhausted, "Keep your cooties to yourself!"
"Cooties?"
Two and a half hours, one broken chair, two growling stomachs, and two sleep deprived teenagers later, you get this first installment of Road Trip...... It was a lot of fun writing it and going back to edit it would just defeat the purpose of this spur of the moment idea so this is exactly how we wrote it, laughing, with tears in our eyes. My parents are going to kill me when they see this broken chair! Agh! Oh and don't expect to actually learn anything from this. Its simply off the wall and funny and stuff and yea too many words to describe it. Mac, that's a run-on. Aqua, you are so technical! I'm writing this stupid story with you aren't I???