Title: In His Eyes. (Andi's POV)
Author: Doc
Notes: This contains spoilers for, Night Five.
The look in his eyes. The aggression in his eyes. It's something I haven't seen in a long time. I'm surprised I can still see it. After all, we've been divorced for five years. Our careers killed our marriage. Deep down, we knew it would. But we swore to always remain friends. I see him occasionally, mostly on TV or in the newspaper. I hate yelling at him. He seems to block me out too easily. He's always been able to do that. So I push, and I push hard. He needs to listen to me, and most of the time, pushing is the only way that will happen.
When I got the speech, I was furious. Calling me irate is an understatement. To think he would put something like this on paper is amazing. I argued my point with him. I know I could have done it better, but I know I got to him. I hate taking the hard road with him, but he can be so arrogant sometimes. He needs to be shown the road to success when he's like this.When Ilooked into his eyes, I saw this pain that I've never seen before. I saw anger, aggression, hate. Everything was in his eyes. That has always been his weakness, his eyes. He could get by me every time, but ifI looked into his eyes, I would see the truth. I would see the real Toby Ziegler.
He stopped talking to me a while ago. I think he stopped talking to everyone a while ago. Even when we were married, he trusted CJ. But I don't see him confiding in her like he used to. He stays to himself, he carried the burdens by himself. His life has been full of heartaches. The pain comes back when he's up andit alwaysbrings him back down. He can't stay happy for very long. His life goes up and down and no one knows why. I don't even know why. There is a past in his life he has never shared with anyone. I see it, but I can't call it. He is the only one I know who scares me to death. His mind scares me. Something in there is beating him down everyday. I think everyone is scared of him. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. He's dark and mysterious. That's one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. I wanted to know what went on beneath the surface. But I never knew. He keeps his past hidden.
His life is like a maze, one obstacle after another. Once you think you're there, you wind up back at square one. It makes you so angry because all you want to do is find it and cure it. Whatever it may be. I used to hear him cryingat night. I think that's the only way he can fall asleep sometimes. I never said anything to him about it, not wanting to make him mad or embarrassed. I just let him put his arms around me at night and hold me. He felt someone there, and I think that helped him. Knowing he wasn't alone. I don't know what he does now at night. If he drinks, smokes, cries, or yells. I just don't know. He's alone in a World that he can't get out of. He's 46 years old and he has lived the same life over and over, just trying to get out. When he smiles, he lights up a room. When he's happy for that brief minute, his World feels perfect. He doesn't think about the bad, he concentrates on the good. For some of us, that's all we can do.
His life is an open book. Every day, he writes a new chapter. It's a book of all genres; drama, comedy, horror, sci-fi, classic, action, love story. It has it all. Toby has it all; besides that one thing he wants more then anything. His own life. His eyes hold so much. They hold his actions, and his thoughts. They can answer so much, yet tell you so little. Until he can fight his demons, he will be stuck here. And in the end, those demons may win. I plead for one day, just one, that he confides into someone. Lets them in. Lets them see his life the way it is now. Because that person may be the one to show him the way out. Before it's too late.
The End