"Zero, try my cookies first!"
"Zero, please have mine."
I have never wanted less to be regaled with cookies than at that moment. As we stood in a break room of NERV, Asuka and Rei were both shoving bags of homemade cookies into my face and bickering over whose I should try first. If we were judging based on appearances, I'd say Rei's looked more appetizing, if a little boring. Just simple sugar cookies in the shape of disks. Asuka's were definitely more ambitious, but less successful in execution. Burnt cookies shaped like…something. This moment of Rei and Asuka acting super out of character and stereotypically was actually meant to be a scene that took place at the school in my fanfic, but the school was obliterated along with the rest of Tokyo-3 by the Angel so the 'plot' had to improvise.
It had been a month since I first died of cringe and reincarnated and I had adjusted decently so far. You may ask why I skipped so much time, but the reason is because nothing worthy of noting happened. I fought two more Angels, but they both died as easily as the first. One of the Angels was basically a hydra with thirty or so heads and the other was a 1,000m long floating hand. I one-shot them both by attacking with my A.T. Field. The only other things to happen so far were more dumb harem shenanigans that I've been Matrix dodging with all my might and the power of foreknowledge.
Speaking of foreknowledge, I had been thinking about how I should handle my knowledge of future events. Regarding the plot of my shitty fanfic, there were a couple plot twists that made no sense that I had some ideas on how to deal with. In terms of the plot of the original anime, I wasn't sure if the events of the later episodes would ever even happen, but I should probably prepare just in case. The easiest way would be to destroy Lilith and Adam while I had the chance. I probably could, but I didn't actually know how to find where they were in Central Dogma. I knew what the location of Lilith looked like, but the anime never laid out an exact map as to how to get to that place since there was no need to. As for Adam, I had no idea and it might have already been fused into Gendo's hand for all I knew. Also, in trying to destroy them, I could accidentally fuse with them and cause the Third Impact like how Kaoru was going to in canon since I was part Angel. I couldn't kill Gendo and the members of Seele since I had no idea where the latter were based and killing the former could cause everyone to think I was evil and make them try and fight me. With Misato still being wary of me, she'd turn on me on a dime. For now, I'd have to wait for a good opportunity to strike while trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.
Being inconspicuous was difficult when every woman alive wanted to gob my knob. Thankfully I knew that I could reject my admirers hard enough that they'd give up on me which I learned from my fumbled first meeting with Misato. I also figured out that I didn't need to be as aggressive as I had been with her. As long as I made my disinterest clear and firm, then they'd give up. So far every love interest had stopped obsessing over me by this point thanks to my rejections, all except Rei and Asuka. They were probably the only stragglers because they were the two main love interests of my fanfic's narrative. The 'plot' was likely desperate to make sure they stayed on script so the story wouldn't completely fall apart.
I wasn't sure what to do at this point to get Rei and Asuka to back off. I could be harsh with them like I was with Misato, but that might cause them to be suspicious of me like her. I needed to get them to stop obsessing over me, otherwise Shinji wouldn't have any chance when and if he decided to take my advice and ask Asuka out on a date.
It was time for the big guns.
"I'm sorry."
Both girls stopped their arguing.
"Sorry for what?"
"I know you both like me and I've made it clear that I don't like either of you, but I should have told you why."
"I-I don't know what you're talking about! I just figured I'd give you some cookies!" Asuka said as she entered tsundere mode.
"Rei, Asuka, I'm gay." I wasn't actually. I was straight, well, sort of. I will admit that there's been more than one man where I've looked at them and thought, "If I was single and they asked me out, I'd probably say yes." I guess I'm bi in that case, but what matters is that I told Rei and Asuka I was gay and that meant there was zero chance I could be in a relationship with them.
Both girls stared for me for a second. Rei's shoulders slumped and she looked down while Asuka turned red as a tomato and made some formless sounds before just saying, "What does-why did you-I don't get why you feel the need to say that since It's not like I like you or anything! I just felt like giving you some extra cookies I made! Jeez, you must be real up your own ass to assume I liked you! Whatever, see ya!" Asuka fled the room in embarrassment. Rei looked at me, bowed and said "Sorry." She left and I was alone, proud in my victory over my fanfiction's dumb harem bullshit.
I was finally free. I jumped and punched the air in happiness, only for Shinji to walk in and see me looking like a jackass. Him suddenly entering caused me to slip when I landed from my jump so I fell back into a vending machine. My head knocked against the glass before my shoulders and back followed suit. My body slid down the machine's surface and I dropped right onto my ass. Everything hurt.
"Are you okay?" Shinji ran over to me and helped me to my feet.
"I'm okay. Let's pretend that didn't happen." I looked at the vending machine I just bashed into. "Let me buy your silence. What do you want?"
"Uh, green tea."
I bought him a can of green tea and I got myself a melon soda. I had never had melon soda before being reborn in the world of Evangelion, but I found I quite enjoyed the mellow sweetness of the soft drink and it became one of the small pleasures I used to get through each day in the crappy fanfiction I was trapped in. I leaned against a wall and enjoyed my drink while ignoring my throbbing head and the nausea that came with it. Shinji stood stiff without having even opened his can yet.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked.
"I was…I was thinking about what you said to me a while ago about being more bold and asking Asuka out." Yes! Finally! I had waited so long! I was so happy I accidentally gulped down a bunch of my drink at once which caused my eyes to water. "Zero?"
"Have you decided to follow my advice?" I didn't acknowledge Shinji's concern.
"I, uh, yeah, I guess so." Perfect! The first step has been taken! Shinji was still doing something based on my prompting rather than his own desire, but this was a start!
"Great. Do you have a plan?"
"Not yet. I was hoping you could help me with that considering you seem to know what women like." I really didn't. I was just the focus of a dumb harem storyline.
"I'm sorry, Shinji, but you must be the one to come up with the plan of action."
"Why?" Shinji had definitely been banking on me coming up with the plan.
"You need to make your own decisions and stand by them. If I help you here, then it wouldn't be by your own hand that you succeeded or failed to win Asuka over. You need to make a plan of your own and follow through with it."
"Oh." I knew what that look Shinji was giving was. He was thinking about going back on asking Asuka out now. He was going to procrastinate, finding minor reasons as to why he couldn't make his plan or go through with asking Asuka. Then he'd feel bad about procrastinating while never actually doing anything to change his behavior. I knew the dark allure of procrastination well and I knew I had to nip it in the bud ASAP.
"What I will do for you is give you a time limit. If you don't ask Asuka out within a week, I'm going to tell Asuka about how you like her and that you're too scared to ask her out."
"What?" Shinji yelped.
"You know how she'll react to that. She'll be pissed that you like her and aren't brave enough to ask her out or anything and then she'll hunt you down and-"
"I get it! Living with her will become even more unbearable if you do that. But won't she still get mad at me if I ask her out? Won't she still be disgusted by my feelings?"
"You don't get it; it's all about context. There's a difference between hearing from a third party that someone you don't get along with secretly has feelings for you and they're keeping them hidden, and having someone you don't get along with confess their secret affection for you with courage and sincerity. It's all in the nuances."
"Really?"
"Trust me."
"Okay. If you can't help me directly, can you at least give me some advice?"
"Sure." I tilted my head back and finished my soda as I thought about how I should advise him. "Think about what Asuka cares about and what she would like and dislike by extension. Just try and think logically about how Asuka thinks."
"I don't think I can. Asuka never makes sense."
"Yes she does. Everyone's minds act based on logic, even if that logic is faulty or complex. There is a line of reasoning to her behavior and I know you can figure her out. You're smart, Shinji." Shinji blushed at the compliment.
"Okay. I'll try."
"My man!" I slapped Shinji on the back. "You got this!"
"O-Okay." Shinji stumbled from my strike before he minced towards the door. "I'm gonna start thinking about how to ask Asuka out. Thanks for the help." Shinji bowed slightly.
"No problem. Good luck."
Shinji left and I was alone again. I threw my empty can towards the appropriate recycling bin, only to miss and for the tin container to clang on the ground. I picked it up and put it into the bin while disappointed that I had been so unlucky lately. Wasn't I supposed to be some OP edgelord anime protag, why couldn't I manage to toss a can in a hole?
I pushed my annoyance aside and decided on what would be the next thing I would address, that being one of the two big dumb plot twists of my fanfic. The dumber and more dangerous one was that Ritsuko would betray us and turn out to be a villain. Why would she do that? It's because she wanted revenge against Gendo for using her as a tool and not really loving her. Her plan was to fuse with the Magi, Angel DNA, an S² Engine, and Evangelion parts to turn herself into a Angel-Eva hybrid thing to destroy the world. Why would she want to destroy the world even though she just wants to get revenge on Gendo? Because I'm a hack. This form of Ritsuko(referred to as Archangel Ritsuko) was the villain of the eighth and final chapter I wrote before getting bored and she was the only enemy to provide even the slightest challenge to Zero. More importantly, she ended up destroying the Geofront which was a serious problem considering Tokyo-3 has already been destroyed. If the events of the fic happened and the Geofront was annihilated, the repercussions would be severe and it could make it easy for an Angel to roll up on Lilith or Adam and cause the Third Impact.
As for a plan to deal with this dumb twist before it happened, I couldn't destroy the Magi since they were important for detecting and fighting the Angels, and I had no idea where the other components for her metamorphosis were located. The only straightforward way to handle things would be to kill Ritsuko, but I both didn't want to murder her, and it would make me look like a villain like it would if I killed Gendo.
The best way to handle things would be to confront Ritsuko about her machinations somewhere private. If the stupidity of her scheming was anything like the stupidity of the dumb harem antics, then just pointing out clearly why her plan was a bad idea that was illogical in its motivations would cause her to return to her proper characterization.
The other dumb twist was that Yui Ikari was still alive and was actually an Angel now. There's no real explanation as to why, she just showed up like any other Angel. I guess the only idea for a twist that I could come up with as a brat was to have ladies turn into Angels. There was nothing I could do to stop Yui from showing up and attacking, but I could prepare by helping Shinji become more mentally strong so he wouldn't break when he would see his mom like he did in the fanfic. I was already working on that by making Shinji more confident and getting him to confess to Asuka.
The priority was still to confront Ritsuko and it would be best to do so without delay.
And so I tried to visit Ritsuko's office, only to be met with her saying, "Sorry, I'm busy right now. We'll talk some other time." The laconic response was all I got so I left to talk to her another day. I still had time so a delay of one day was no biggie.
Welp, I figured I'd work on another part of my plan in that case. I was already working on helping Shinji with his issues, but there were others to help, namely Asuka and Rei. I just rejected them not too long ago so it might have been a bit too soon to talk to them, but I figured it was worth a try despite that.
Asuka would be more of a pain to deal with so I decided to start with her. I went to her room in NERV HQ and didn't knock since I had a solid grasp of which situations could lead to fanservice moments and I knew that if I tried to knock on the door, that some glitch would make the door automatically open and I'd see Asuka naked. I could smell the scent of steam from a shower, a subtle scent, but one my nose was accustomed to due to my predilection towards taking long hot showers. I could also hear the sound of cloth being rubbed, like a towel being rubbed against human skin. Asuka had just gotten out of the shower and so if I knocked on the door, I'd catch an eyeful of something I didn't want to see. The door could even glitch and open while I was looking at it to try and force the fanservice to happen so I didn't even look at the door while I waited to hear the sounds of clothes being put on. Upon hearing the sounds I was waiting for, I put my back to the wall next to the door, turned my head away, and blindly knocked on the door to make sure I wouldn't get a surprise glimpse of some pervy nonsense.
"Asuka, are you there? It's me Zero."
"I'm here."
"Can I come in? I wanna talk about some stuff."
A growl from the room before a huff of resignation. "Fine."
The automatic door slid open and I slowly turned to face the entranceway while covering my eyes with my hand. I parted my fingers and looked through them to see that the room's occupant was fully clothed.
"The Hell are you doing?"
"Making sure morality is upheld." I removed my hand from my face, bowed, and entered the room before taking off my shoes.
Asuka sat cross legged in front of a TV and turned on a gaming console that, like much of the technology in Evangelion that wasn't the explicit sci-fi stuff, looked retro by the standards of real life 2015. Asuka was grumpier than usual, probably because of our earlier encounter that had left her frustrated and embarrassed.
"How's it going?" The sound of Asuka's clicking controller as she played her video game was all I heard as a response as she refused to waste her time on pleasantries. "Alright, to the point then. I was curious about your feelings on being an Eva pilot."
"What do you mean?"
"Let's say that tomorrow, out of the blue, you couldn't pilot your Eva anymore and you were just a normal person again. How would you react?" Asuka's two big issues were her desire for intimacy, which having Shinji confess to her would likely deal with, and her confidence issues rooted in her desire to be seen as mature and valuable. In the anime, her being unable to pilot her Eva causes her to enter a deep depression and it was implied she tried to starve herself to death. It would be necessary for Asuka's growth for her to break her belief that she was defined by her ability as a pilot. She needed to solidify her identity as someone who wasn't only important because they were an Eva pilot. Once again, the Shinji confession would likely help with that by giving her the intimacy she craves and a relationship she can redefine herself with, but it would be nice if I could get the ball rolling on her doing some healthy introspection.
"Why are you asking that?"
"I was just thinking about how the Angels will have to stop attacking eventually and we gotta be ready for that. We can't be Eva pilots forever."
"I know that." Asuka jostled her controller's joystick around more wildly.
"So what are your thoughts?"
"On what?"
"On the fact that we won't be Eva pilots one day. What are you gonna do when that happens?"
"I'll keep living my life like usual." The joystick was taking a beating from how forcefully it was getting whipped in different directions.
"So you don't worry that anything will change?" It was time to prod at her a bit. She had to consciously think about her insecurities if she was going to overcome them. As long as she didn't get hit with too much trauma, then she could figure out her issues and work through them, perhaps with Shinji's help.
"Why would I worry?" Asuka's carapace of pride revealed itself. "Once the fight against the Angels is over, I'll become a model or something. I've got endless talents." Despite her smile and bravado, Asuka's hands got twitchy and she accidentally died in her game. She was starting to introspect. I hoped this would work out for the better and I hadn't just sent Asuka into a downward spiral like in the anime.
"I'm not worried either. I may be an Eva pilot, but I'm more than that, y'know? People have worth beyond being good at a specific thing. The people around us won't abandon us as soon as we stop being Eva pilots."
"And how do you know that?"
"Because we have good people in our lives, the kind of people who wouldn't just forget about us because we aren't useful to them."
"Who? Who's like that?"
"Well there's Misato. You lived with her for a while so you know she's not the type to just abandon people, and there's Shinji."
Asuka rolled her eyes. "Shinji's too much of a coward to stand by anyone."
"Shinji's brave when it counts."
"Is he really?" Asuka said condescendingly.
"He is. Trust me when I say he might surprise you with how strong he can be."
"Sure." Asuka said dismissively.
"You'll see. Anyway, I'm not gonna bother you anymore. See you later."
"Bye."
I left Asuka's room feeling relatively satisfied at my successful planting of the seeds of development.
"Zero." As soon as I exited the room I saw Misato who seemed to have been listening in on my and Asuka's conversation. Her expression told me that she was finally going to confront me on my manifold levels of suspiciousness. "Let's talk somewhere private."
We moved to a dark hallway of NERV HQ and I didn't even get a word in before Misato slammed a hand against the wall behind me. I just got kabedoned and I don't think that was born from the plot's machinations, nor did Misato perform it with any romantic or sexual intentions. Misato was making sure I couldn't run away.
"We're both aware I find you suspicious. You're unnaturally talented at piloting an Eva, an Eva with unusual design aspects, and everyone is obsessed with you. Even I found myself acting strangely around you for no reason I could understand when we first met. You also have access to information about me and other members of NERV that you shouldn't, things about our pasts and who we are. To top it all off, you've been acting especially suspicious lately considering you've been pushing Shinji to act a certain way and you just started asking Asuka strange questions. Did I miss anything?"
"Nope. That was a very succinct summation."
"So what do you have to say?"
"I'm honestly not sure, considering there's no way you'd ever believe me if I told you the truth."
"Oh, don't give me that. Tell me what's going on."
"I'm serious, you won't believe me."
"If you tell the truth, I'll believe you
"Okay. You're not going to stop until I tell you the truth. In that case, I ask you just to keep an open mind and understand that what I'm about to tell you is too stupid to be made up."
I then proceeded to tell Misato about how her entire world was a fanfiction I wrote based on an anime that I died reading because of how bad it was and now I was reborn into it as my OC. I explained the dumb backstory I wrote and, since she was too flabbergasted to respond, I decided to fill her in on the plot twists of the story and even the entire plot of the original anime while I was at it. I included details from the anime that encompassed events I wasn't present for that there shouldn't have been any sort of record of like the shenanigans Misato, Shinji, and Asuka got into in Misato's apartment. I summarized things, but I still ended up expositing for over an hour with an attentive yet befuddled Misato hanging on my every word.
"And that's my fucked up existence. Any questions? Concerns? Do you even believe me?"
"That…" Mistao took a long deep breath as things had finally gotten quiet after all of my rambling. "was a lot."
"I probably should've eased you into things a bit more. Sorry."
"I don't even know how to respond to all that. It was so dumb and unbelievable that you're either messing with me or it's 100% true."
"Yeah."
Ritsuko rubbed her temples. "I don't know what to do here. You're just spouting nonsense, but you clearly know a lot of things you shouldn't. And you talked about this Human Instrumentality thing, and you say your part Angel which is ridiculous, and I just don't know. I need time to contemplate all this."
"That's fair."
"I need a drink." Misato stepped back and allowed me my freedom. "You can go."
"Really?"
"Yes. As far as I can tell, you're not an immediate threat of any kind and the advice you've given Shinji is, admittedly, good advice. You're on thin ice; don't think you're in the clear or that I believe we really are in some fictional world you kinda created or whatever. I don't trust you."
"I'd be concerned if you could believe the kind of stuff I told you easily."
"At least you're a little self-aware." Misato began to walk away.
"Wait."
"What?" She stopped.
"I know you probably won't believe me, but I just want to say that despite all that's suspicious about me, I am on your side, the side of humanity. This world means a lot to me and so I want everyone to have a happy ending, one they didn't get to have before."
I couldn't read what the look Misato gave me meant, if it even consisted of any single emotion and not a slurry of varying feelings vying for supremacy.
Sirens blared.
Red lights flashed.
I didn't find out what Misato's response would have been.
It was time to fight.
This would be my second time piloting an Eva into battle, and it would be a far different experience from the last time.