Fallout
Nevertheless, I recover from the shock first. "Why don't you leave us alone for a little while..." I suggest quietly. "I'll come find you when this is worked out." I can't believe I'm still stand--my knees feel likely to cave at any moment. She just confirmed my suspicions--I did escape!
The officers distance themselves, and I fall to my knees. "Five years... How could I forget?" I whisper desperately to myself. I look to Miss Parker's huddled figure. "When...?" I'm still not quite ready to understand why *she* is so upset.
She looks up at me, her eyes red. "Jarod... I... you didn't forget," she finally manages.
"I... but... how?" I'm lost for words and hers seem to be all trapped inside.
"Oh, Jarod... it's all my fault... it's all my fault..." She breaks down again.
My sensible side comes out. "Parker, it can't possibly be your fault," I reassure her.
She shakes her head. "You don't understand... it was... it was my idea!"
"What are you TALKING about??"
Fortunately, my confusion and anger seem to break through to her. Finally, she explains. "Syd he... he hypnotized you--blocked your memories out."
The light of understanding dawns in my eyes. "Like those SIMs!" I say without thinking. Parker begins to shake her head, but I've already made the next leap. "Those were no SIMs..."
"I... I'm sorry, Jarod... oh, I'm so sorry!"
I barely hear her; I'm still trying to make sense out of all of this. "Then... when?"
"You escaped September of 1996--7 years ago. You were recaptured two years ago." She's just watching me, waiting for a reaction. At least she's stopped crying.
"Two years ago..." I think back, trying to place what was two years ago. It could have been the time of the dreams. But... I couldn't tell you of any break in the continuity. I shake my head--how could 5 years just be removed from my memory so easily?
Not removed, I remind myself. Hidden. "But... why? Just so I wouldn't miss the outside?"
She shook her head. "So you wouldn't remember the reason you ran away."
"Well, it worked," I half joke. "And the reason was...?"
"You found out your SIMs were being misused."
My throat goes dry, my breathing stops. Slowly, I manage to respond, "Please tell me that doesn't mean what I think it does."
She nods miserably. "It means what you think."
"They used my SIMs to hurt people instead of helping them?" I'm working hard to keep my calm, but her nod destroys it. "How could they?!" I yell, somewhere between furious and horribly wounded. I whisper, "That means... all those years, all that work... I was hurting people instead of helping them!" I see all my SIMs flashing before my eyes, all the damage they could have--must have--done. I put my head in my hands but I can't hide from the memories in my head.
I hear Parker next to me. "Don't do this to yourself, Jarod... You did this the whole five years you were out, you tore yourself apart... but it's not your fault!"
I look up, revealing my frustrated and agonized face. "How can it NOT be my fault? My whole life, all my work--except for five years I can't remember, and then I went back and worked for 2 more years!" Suddenly I feel my anger turning on her. "How could you?? If you knew how much it tore me apart, how could you bring me back and take away my memory so I would continue??"
Miss Parker is clearly caught by surprise. She had been ready for my anger before, but now she is caught off-guard. "I--I--" She shakes her head, the tears coming again. "I didn't want to--you don't remember how it was, what was happening. I wanted to save you--they would have tortured you, maybe to death!"
"So you decided to sacrifice more innocent lives and place more on my conscience," I reply bitterly. Then I twisted the knife of my words. "Gee, thanks.. I think I would have preferred option 1, thank you very much," I quip bitterly. I stand and move away from her. I'm too angry right now to care if I've hurt her.
Nevertheless, I recover from the shock first. "Why don't you leave us alone for a little while..." I suggest quietly. "I'll come find you when this is worked out." I can't believe I'm still stand--my knees feel likely to cave at any moment. She just confirmed my suspicions--I did escape!
The officers distance themselves, and I fall to my knees. "Five years... How could I forget?" I whisper desperately to myself. I look to Miss Parker's huddled figure. "When...?" I'm still not quite ready to understand why *she* is so upset.
She looks up at me, her eyes red. "Jarod... I... you didn't forget," she finally manages.
"I... but... how?" I'm lost for words and hers seem to be all trapped inside.
"Oh, Jarod... it's all my fault... it's all my fault..." She breaks down again.
My sensible side comes out. "Parker, it can't possibly be your fault," I reassure her.
She shakes her head. "You don't understand... it was... it was my idea!"
"What are you TALKING about??"
Fortunately, my confusion and anger seem to break through to her. Finally, she explains. "Syd he... he hypnotized you--blocked your memories out."
The light of understanding dawns in my eyes. "Like those SIMs!" I say without thinking. Parker begins to shake her head, but I've already made the next leap. "Those were no SIMs..."
"I... I'm sorry, Jarod... oh, I'm so sorry!"
I barely hear her; I'm still trying to make sense out of all of this. "Then... when?"
"You escaped September of 1996--7 years ago. You were recaptured two years ago." She's just watching me, waiting for a reaction. At least she's stopped crying.
"Two years ago..." I think back, trying to place what was two years ago. It could have been the time of the dreams. But... I couldn't tell you of any break in the continuity. I shake my head--how could 5 years just be removed from my memory so easily?
Not removed, I remind myself. Hidden. "But... why? Just so I wouldn't miss the outside?"
She shook her head. "So you wouldn't remember the reason you ran away."
"Well, it worked," I half joke. "And the reason was...?"
"You found out your SIMs were being misused."
My throat goes dry, my breathing stops. Slowly, I manage to respond, "Please tell me that doesn't mean what I think it does."
She nods miserably. "It means what you think."
"They used my SIMs to hurt people instead of helping them?" I'm working hard to keep my calm, but her nod destroys it. "How could they?!" I yell, somewhere between furious and horribly wounded. I whisper, "That means... all those years, all that work... I was hurting people instead of helping them!" I see all my SIMs flashing before my eyes, all the damage they could have--must have--done. I put my head in my hands but I can't hide from the memories in my head.
I hear Parker next to me. "Don't do this to yourself, Jarod... You did this the whole five years you were out, you tore yourself apart... but it's not your fault!"
I look up, revealing my frustrated and agonized face. "How can it NOT be my fault? My whole life, all my work--except for five years I can't remember, and then I went back and worked for 2 more years!" Suddenly I feel my anger turning on her. "How could you?? If you knew how much it tore me apart, how could you bring me back and take away my memory so I would continue??"
Miss Parker is clearly caught by surprise. She had been ready for my anger before, but now she is caught off-guard. "I--I--" She shakes her head, the tears coming again. "I didn't want to--you don't remember how it was, what was happening. I wanted to save you--they would have tortured you, maybe to death!"
"So you decided to sacrifice more innocent lives and place more on my conscience," I reply bitterly. Then I twisted the knife of my words. "Gee, thanks.. I think I would have preferred option 1, thank you very much," I quip bitterly. I stand and move away from her. I'm too angry right now to care if I've hurt her.