"And if you were killing innocent people, why aren't you in FBI custody also?"
"Not directly. But everything I was doing was contributing to their deaths."
"Did you know that was what you were doing?"
"No," I admitted. "I *thought* I was helping them."
The psychiatrist was silent for a moment. "I had a client once who was a firefighter. One day while he was out fighting a forest fire which was later identified as an arson, his house burned down with his wife and two daughters inside."
"That's awful."
"He committed suicide." I can hear the sadness and frustration in his voice. "I couldn't convince him that it wasn't his fault."
Okay, point taken. "But..."
"No buts, Jarod," he responds firmly. "You can only put out so many fires. If others used your work to hurt people, the blame is entirely theirs. Just like that man wasn't responsible for the fire that he wasn't there to stop."
"I could have stopped--"
"You were kidnapped, Jarod!" he answers angrily. "You were held prisoner in that awful building for at least two-thirds of your life. How would you have stopped them?"
"I--" He's got me there. "But... why couldn't I stop it?! People were dying!" The tears come again.
"I know. It's awful. It's frustrating. I will weep with you for the awful loss of life, but I will NOT listen to you try to take the blame!"
There's still a problem, I just can't put my finger on it. "But... I DID know!"
"You told me you didn't." He waits patiently.
"I don't remember," I respond bitterly. "I knew, and then they made me forget. I *let* them take it away from me!"
"Ahh, this is why you were upset."
"Yes!" My cry is almost strangled with frustration.
"Okay, now you're going to have to explain from the beginning." His voice is calm even as I feel my emotions running away from me again.
"Apparently, I found out what they were doing with my SIMs--those are--were--the--"
He interrupts me. "I know." There's an undercurrent of anger to his voice. "I know *some* of what those people did to you and others." I can see him shaking his head, then he calms himself. "I'm sorry... go on."
"Anyway... Apparently I found out, and I escaped--for five years!" Too long, it was too long, I tell myself. "Then they caught me, and I let the only two people I've ever trusted take away my memory, 'for my own good.'"
"Wait... what do you mean you 'let them'? Doesn't seem to me like you had much control over it."
I shake my head. "You don't understand. I understand hypnosis, I would have known what he was doing. That means I must have let him!"
"Okay," was the thoughtful response. "And how do you know all this?"
"Miss Parker." My expression darkens.
"That must be the woman you thought would be better aided by my services." I nod stonily. "Well, perfect." He stands to his feet. "Now we can both go talk to her!" His voice is far too cheery for my liking.
"*You* can talk to her."
"No, that won't do. Do you remember how I told you that you could get rid of me?"
"'All you have to do is talk to me until I'm satisfied,'" I quote. "You. Not others."
"Well then, you don't have to talk to her, but I want to." He takes a few steps away, then looks back. "Coming?"
"No thank you," I mumble.
"Oh, I'm sorry to be unclear. That wasn't an option, that was a hint. To be more clear: come on, we're going to talk to your friend."
Okay, his cheery wit is getting to me again. "I told you, I don't want to talk to her!"
"And I told you that you don't have to," was his firm, serious answer. "Come on, Jarod."
"Why do I have to come if I'm not talking to her?" I narrowed my eyes. "And who are you to order me around?"
He sighs, then steps toward me. "I, Jarod, am the person who decides what happens to you. Most immediately, the person who decides where you are going tonight."
"Well this is much better than the Centre," I mutter, still making no move to get up. "And what happens if I go the other way?"
"Right now? Remember that conversation we had about what would happen if we got into a fight?" He sighs. "I don't want to take away your freedom, Jarod, I just want to make sure you don't hurt yourself or others as you adjust."
Those words sound nice, but I still feel trapped. "I've been out before, I was fine then," I insist stubbornly.
"You weren't FREE then, Jarod. The Centre was chasing you every moment of every day. They didn't directly control you but they kept you from living a normal life." He let a small smile crack his lips. "And from what I heard, you nearly got yourself killed many times... and those are just the ones the Centre knows about."
"As opposed to now, when I've got a very oversized psychiatrist babysitting me."
"Hey! Am I oversized for a babysitter or a psychiatrist?"
I smile despite myself. "Both!" I stand slowly. It looks as if I have no choice.
"Tell you what--come listen to what 'Miss Parker' has to say, and then you get to pick where we go next."
I sigh, then nod. "Speaking of which, does 'Miss Parker' have a first name?" he continued as we started the walk back.
I frown. "Her father calls her 'Angel,' but no one else does." I grin. "Or if someone did, they're probably dead now."
"Interesting..." We walk in silence for quite a while. Finally I look to the left and see that the sky is beginning to tinge pink. "Look!" I point.
"Yeah, the sunset is going to be beautiful tonight." He smiles at me.
"I've never seen a sunset before!" I sigh. "At least, not that I remember..."
"Jarod, we're going to work on getting your memory back. For right now, can't you enjoy seeing everything for the first time the second time?" He grinned at the complicated construction of his sentence, then continued. "Not many people remember the wonder of seeing things the first time, and you get to TWICE!" He almost sounds jealous.
"Okay..." I concede. I sigh. "Thanks for putting up with me." It's as close as I can get to an apology.
He knows that. "I've been called worse than a nagging oversized stalker." He grins. "I kind of like that. Massimo Parenti, nagging oversized stalker."
I laugh, my first laugh in... I can't remember anymore. We fall into silence again, but this time it's a more pleasurable silence. I have forgotten what lies ahead of us. We stop to watch the sunset, and I think it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. For a moment, I'm bitter at lost chances, then I work to convince myself instead that I was 'saving up' for this moment.
When we start walking again, though, I realize we are almost back. That means close to Miss Parker, someone I don't really feel like being near at the moment. Almost unconsciously I slow my pace.
"Hey hey hey, no backing out now!" He takes my hand to pull me forward, then releases it as I match his speed. "That's right. You don't even have to talk to her, what's your problem?"
"I have to listen to her," I mumble.
"What?"
I sigh. "Never--" I realize that he's not going to accept that as a response. "I said I still have to listen."
"And what she has to say hurts," he finishes. I pause for a moment, then nod slowly.
"Not directly. But everything I was doing was contributing to their deaths."
"Did you know that was what you were doing?"
"No," I admitted. "I *thought* I was helping them."
The psychiatrist was silent for a moment. "I had a client once who was a firefighter. One day while he was out fighting a forest fire which was later identified as an arson, his house burned down with his wife and two daughters inside."
"That's awful."
"He committed suicide." I can hear the sadness and frustration in his voice. "I couldn't convince him that it wasn't his fault."
Okay, point taken. "But..."
"No buts, Jarod," he responds firmly. "You can only put out so many fires. If others used your work to hurt people, the blame is entirely theirs. Just like that man wasn't responsible for the fire that he wasn't there to stop."
"I could have stopped--"
"You were kidnapped, Jarod!" he answers angrily. "You were held prisoner in that awful building for at least two-thirds of your life. How would you have stopped them?"
"I--" He's got me there. "But... why couldn't I stop it?! People were dying!" The tears come again.
"I know. It's awful. It's frustrating. I will weep with you for the awful loss of life, but I will NOT listen to you try to take the blame!"
There's still a problem, I just can't put my finger on it. "But... I DID know!"
"You told me you didn't." He waits patiently.
"I don't remember," I respond bitterly. "I knew, and then they made me forget. I *let* them take it away from me!"
"Ahh, this is why you were upset."
"Yes!" My cry is almost strangled with frustration.
"Okay, now you're going to have to explain from the beginning." His voice is calm even as I feel my emotions running away from me again.
"Apparently, I found out what they were doing with my SIMs--those are--were--the--"
He interrupts me. "I know." There's an undercurrent of anger to his voice. "I know *some* of what those people did to you and others." I can see him shaking his head, then he calms himself. "I'm sorry... go on."
"Anyway... Apparently I found out, and I escaped--for five years!" Too long, it was too long, I tell myself. "Then they caught me, and I let the only two people I've ever trusted take away my memory, 'for my own good.'"
"Wait... what do you mean you 'let them'? Doesn't seem to me like you had much control over it."
I shake my head. "You don't understand. I understand hypnosis, I would have known what he was doing. That means I must have let him!"
"Okay," was the thoughtful response. "And how do you know all this?"
"Miss Parker." My expression darkens.
"That must be the woman you thought would be better aided by my services." I nod stonily. "Well, perfect." He stands to his feet. "Now we can both go talk to her!" His voice is far too cheery for my liking.
"*You* can talk to her."
"No, that won't do. Do you remember how I told you that you could get rid of me?"
"'All you have to do is talk to me until I'm satisfied,'" I quote. "You. Not others."
"Well then, you don't have to talk to her, but I want to." He takes a few steps away, then looks back. "Coming?"
"No thank you," I mumble.
"Oh, I'm sorry to be unclear. That wasn't an option, that was a hint. To be more clear: come on, we're going to talk to your friend."
Okay, his cheery wit is getting to me again. "I told you, I don't want to talk to her!"
"And I told you that you don't have to," was his firm, serious answer. "Come on, Jarod."
"Why do I have to come if I'm not talking to her?" I narrowed my eyes. "And who are you to order me around?"
He sighs, then steps toward me. "I, Jarod, am the person who decides what happens to you. Most immediately, the person who decides where you are going tonight."
"Well this is much better than the Centre," I mutter, still making no move to get up. "And what happens if I go the other way?"
"Right now? Remember that conversation we had about what would happen if we got into a fight?" He sighs. "I don't want to take away your freedom, Jarod, I just want to make sure you don't hurt yourself or others as you adjust."
Those words sound nice, but I still feel trapped. "I've been out before, I was fine then," I insist stubbornly.
"You weren't FREE then, Jarod. The Centre was chasing you every moment of every day. They didn't directly control you but they kept you from living a normal life." He let a small smile crack his lips. "And from what I heard, you nearly got yourself killed many times... and those are just the ones the Centre knows about."
"As opposed to now, when I've got a very oversized psychiatrist babysitting me."
"Hey! Am I oversized for a babysitter or a psychiatrist?"
I smile despite myself. "Both!" I stand slowly. It looks as if I have no choice.
"Tell you what--come listen to what 'Miss Parker' has to say, and then you get to pick where we go next."
I sigh, then nod. "Speaking of which, does 'Miss Parker' have a first name?" he continued as we started the walk back.
I frown. "Her father calls her 'Angel,' but no one else does." I grin. "Or if someone did, they're probably dead now."
"Interesting..." We walk in silence for quite a while. Finally I look to the left and see that the sky is beginning to tinge pink. "Look!" I point.
"Yeah, the sunset is going to be beautiful tonight." He smiles at me.
"I've never seen a sunset before!" I sigh. "At least, not that I remember..."
"Jarod, we're going to work on getting your memory back. For right now, can't you enjoy seeing everything for the first time the second time?" He grinned at the complicated construction of his sentence, then continued. "Not many people remember the wonder of seeing things the first time, and you get to TWICE!" He almost sounds jealous.
"Okay..." I concede. I sigh. "Thanks for putting up with me." It's as close as I can get to an apology.
He knows that. "I've been called worse than a nagging oversized stalker." He grins. "I kind of like that. Massimo Parenti, nagging oversized stalker."
I laugh, my first laugh in... I can't remember anymore. We fall into silence again, but this time it's a more pleasurable silence. I have forgotten what lies ahead of us. We stop to watch the sunset, and I think it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. For a moment, I'm bitter at lost chances, then I work to convince myself instead that I was 'saving up' for this moment.
When we start walking again, though, I realize we are almost back. That means close to Miss Parker, someone I don't really feel like being near at the moment. Almost unconsciously I slow my pace.
"Hey hey hey, no backing out now!" He takes my hand to pull me forward, then releases it as I match his speed. "That's right. You don't even have to talk to her, what's your problem?"
"I have to listen to her," I mumble.
"What?"
I sigh. "Never--" I realize that he's not going to accept that as a response. "I said I still have to listen."
"And what she has to say hurts," he finishes. I pause for a moment, then nod slowly.