Title: Still a Fool 1/4
Author: Luisa
Email: leyjd@hotmail.com
Pairing: B/G - are you surprised?
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: Dword, Kattie. Gabi, Dee and TL if you want it. Anyone
else, please ask.
Summary: When Buffy asked Giles about why the Watcher's Diaries didn't
refer to previous Slayers' deaths in more detail, why didn't she react more
sensitively to his pained response? And why didn't he pick up on her brief
declaration of love? Here's my theory of how it should go from that point
on.
Spoilers: Up to and including the first half of Fool for Love (S5)
Disclaimer: None of it's mine, please don't sue.
Feedback: Always more than welcome.
Notes: This is an early birthday pressie for Kattie - have a great one!
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It was late, and Rupert Giles stood at the counter of The Magic Box, absentmindedly fiddling with the ornaments that hung above in his efforts to avoid eye contact with his Slayer as she poured out her fears.
"... Where are the details of the Slayers' last battle? You know, what made that fight special? Why did she lose?"
He kept his focus on the ornaments as he spoke. "You didn't lose last night, Buffy. You just..."
"Got really close" she supplied. He slowly lowered his gaze to meet hers, but didn't speak.
"I slipped up, Giles. I've been training harder than ever, and still I..." she paused, unable to end the sentence. Giles looked away in discomfort as Buffy flicked through the books in frustration, returning to her panic- filled speech.
"...And there's nothing in any of these books to help me understand why. I mean... look, I realise that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto." He glanced at her, swallowing noticeably as a single thought reverberated in his mind. *So do I*. He averted his gaze once again, as Buffy persisted.
"If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again."
"Yes, well..." Giles took his coat off slowly and settled himself on the bar stool behind him in a deliberately casual manner, all the while avoiding looking at her. "The problem is that after a final battle, that, er, it's difficult to get any, er... well, the... the Slayer's not...she's rather, um..." his voice trailed off awkwardly.
"It's okay to use the 'D' word, Giles."
He still felt uncomfortable, but managed to work the agonising word out of his mouth. "Dead. And..." he swallowed hard, ignoring the pain lancing through his heart, "...hence not very forthcoming."
Buffy started paging through the large volumes again impatiently. "Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just... stop."
Giles shifted uneasily again, speaking in a small voice. "Well, I suppose if they're anything like me, they just found the whole subject too..."
Buffy interrupted before he could finish his sentence. "Unseemly?" She paused for a brief second and he looked at her with raised eyebrows, surprised that she could be so blind to his feelings in this matter. She completely missed the meaning of the look.
"Damn. 'Love you, but you Watchers can be such prigs sometimes."
Giles' throat suddenly went dry and his reply was stricken. "Painful, I was going to say."
There was an awkward silence for endless moments, Giles suddenly polishing his glasses with great precision and Buffy examining her nails in embarrassment. The only sounds were those of the traffic passing The Magic Box. Buffy finally broke the silence, drawing her hands off the counter into her lap. Her voice was tinged with regret.
"Oh god. Am I ever going to stop being so selfish? I'm sorry Giles. I never thought about what it would be like for you."
As usual, Giles considered her feelings before his own. "No, Buffy, don't be sorry. It's completely understandable that you would be anxious about your... future. No one can expect you to put their feelings first in this matter, myself included."
She looked at him guiltily, her feelings alternating between self-pity and wanting to smack her forehead at her stupidity. "But I should put your feelings first, shouldn't I, regardless of what anyone thinks. I should think of how it's going to affect the people around me: you, Mom and Dawn, Will and Xander, Angel, Riley, even Dad. I never stop to think about anyone else's feelings. I mean what if the next vamp or demon or whatever gets luckier than the last one - what if you or Riley aren't there to look out for me the next time? I never really see any of you, do I? Not properly. It's always just, 'Poor Buffy - she can't face up to her destiny'. All I can ever see is myself."
He chose not to comment on her order of family and friends, sliding instead off the stool and leaning forward onto the counter. He pulled her hands gently out of her lap, and grasped them with his. "Buffy, please don't talk so negatively about yourself."
She lowered her gaze again, a thousand questions running through her mind. They remained unasked as she focused on their joined hands while Giles continued soothing her.
"Buffy, you have faced your destiny with a courage I have never known anyone capable of. If you want to look at someone who couldn't face up to their destiny, look at me. I ran away when I discovered my destiny..." He lifted a hand and pressed a single finger tenderly to her lips to silence her before she could interrupt. He continued in a soft, sad voice. "I ran away, Buffy. My reasons were so very different from yours; so don't try to compare the two. You fled from pain, whilst I headed straight towards it, willing to cause harm to anyone who stood in my path just so long as I could avoid becoming a Watcher."
Buffy looked up at Giles with wide eyes as he reluctantly withdrew his finger from her velvet lips. His past was one of the few things they never discussed. She paid greater attention as he continued, his voice and words healing to her anxious soul.
"Then I joined up with Ethan and ventured into the dark arts, and lost several friends in the process. I made so many mistakes all because I was a coward. But you..." his tone of voice changed from soft and sad to loving and proud, "You are kind, mature, thoughtful, brave, courageous, selfless, caring... I am so proud of you, Buffy. And I don't mean as a daughter or a Slayer - I am proud of you as a person." He stopped abruptly, not wanting to reveal the feelings he had worked so hard to hide.
There was another heavy silence, as he awaited her reaction. Finally she looked up at him with bright eyes.
"Giles, I... I never knew you felt that way. Is that really how you see me?"
He gripped her hands tighter with his own, his voice hoarse as he let his guard slip just enough to admit "Every second of every day."
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was late, and Rupert Giles stood at the counter of The Magic Box, absentmindedly fiddling with the ornaments that hung above in his efforts to avoid eye contact with his Slayer as she poured out her fears.
"... Where are the details of the Slayers' last battle? You know, what made that fight special? Why did she lose?"
He kept his focus on the ornaments as he spoke. "You didn't lose last night, Buffy. You just..."
"Got really close" she supplied. He slowly lowered his gaze to meet hers, but didn't speak.
"I slipped up, Giles. I've been training harder than ever, and still I..." she paused, unable to end the sentence. Giles looked away in discomfort as Buffy flicked through the books in frustration, returning to her panic- filled speech.
"...And there's nothing in any of these books to help me understand why. I mean... look, I realise that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto." He glanced at her, swallowing noticeably as a single thought reverberated in his mind. *So do I*. He averted his gaze once again, as Buffy persisted.
"If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again."
"Yes, well..." Giles took his coat off slowly and settled himself on the bar stool behind him in a deliberately casual manner, all the while avoiding looking at her. "The problem is that after a final battle, that, er, it's difficult to get any, er... well, the... the Slayer's not...she's rather, um..." his voice trailed off awkwardly.
"It's okay to use the 'D' word, Giles."
He still felt uncomfortable, but managed to work the agonising word out of his mouth. "Dead. And..." he swallowed hard, ignoring the pain lancing through his heart, "...hence not very forthcoming."
Buffy started paging through the large volumes again impatiently. "Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just... stop."
Giles shifted uneasily again, speaking in a small voice. "Well, I suppose if they're anything like me, they just found the whole subject too..."
Buffy interrupted before he could finish his sentence. "Unseemly?" She paused for a brief second and he looked at her with raised eyebrows, surprised that she could be so blind to his feelings in this matter. She completely missed the meaning of the look.
"Damn. 'Love you, but you Watchers can be such prigs sometimes."
Giles' throat suddenly went dry and his reply was stricken. "Painful, I was going to say."
There was an awkward silence for endless moments, Giles suddenly polishing his glasses with great precision and Buffy examining her nails in embarrassment. The only sounds were those of the traffic passing The Magic Box. Buffy finally broke the silence, drawing her hands off the counter into her lap. Her voice was tinged with regret.
"Oh god. Am I ever going to stop being so selfish? I'm sorry Giles. I never thought about what it would be like for you."
As usual, Giles considered her feelings before his own. "No, Buffy, don't be sorry. It's completely understandable that you would be anxious about your... future. No one can expect you to put their feelings first in this matter, myself included."
She looked at him guiltily, her feelings alternating between self-pity and wanting to smack her forehead at her stupidity. "But I should put your feelings first, shouldn't I, regardless of what anyone thinks. I should think of how it's going to affect the people around me: you, Mom and Dawn, Will and Xander, Angel, Riley, even Dad. I never stop to think about anyone else's feelings. I mean what if the next vamp or demon or whatever gets luckier than the last one - what if you or Riley aren't there to look out for me the next time? I never really see any of you, do I? Not properly. It's always just, 'Poor Buffy - she can't face up to her destiny'. All I can ever see is myself."
He chose not to comment on her order of family and friends, sliding instead off the stool and leaning forward onto the counter. He pulled her hands gently out of her lap, and grasped them with his. "Buffy, please don't talk so negatively about yourself."
She lowered her gaze again, a thousand questions running through her mind. They remained unasked as she focused on their joined hands while Giles continued soothing her.
"Buffy, you have faced your destiny with a courage I have never known anyone capable of. If you want to look at someone who couldn't face up to their destiny, look at me. I ran away when I discovered my destiny..." He lifted a hand and pressed a single finger tenderly to her lips to silence her before she could interrupt. He continued in a soft, sad voice. "I ran away, Buffy. My reasons were so very different from yours; so don't try to compare the two. You fled from pain, whilst I headed straight towards it, willing to cause harm to anyone who stood in my path just so long as I could avoid becoming a Watcher."
Buffy looked up at Giles with wide eyes as he reluctantly withdrew his finger from her velvet lips. His past was one of the few things they never discussed. She paid greater attention as he continued, his voice and words healing to her anxious soul.
"Then I joined up with Ethan and ventured into the dark arts, and lost several friends in the process. I made so many mistakes all because I was a coward. But you..." his tone of voice changed from soft and sad to loving and proud, "You are kind, mature, thoughtful, brave, courageous, selfless, caring... I am so proud of you, Buffy. And I don't mean as a daughter or a Slayer - I am proud of you as a person." He stopped abruptly, not wanting to reveal the feelings he had worked so hard to hide.
There was another heavy silence, as he awaited her reaction. Finally she looked up at him with bright eyes.
"Giles, I... I never knew you felt that way. Is that really how you see me?"
He gripped her hands tighter with his own, his voice hoarse as he let his guard slip just enough to admit "Every second of every day."
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