A Short Guide to Marauding

by Mireille

Here is a tale of MWPP as they have begun existing to me. Sirius is a screwball, Remus is a golden boy, James is an endearing jerk, Peter is number four, and this is their seventh year. [COMPLETE] (and freshly edited - 52203)

6. Just Fooling

Chapter 6 – Just Fooling

The invasion took place on March first.  Sirius knew that because it was exactly a month before April Fool's Day, and as he tidied his laboratory, he was wondering what type of clever ruses he might perpetrate this year.  The hardest part of having such a reputation, Sirius reflected, was not earning it, but keeping it.  All very well to set invisible triplines and sabotage the showerheads during first year, but Sirius was pursuing ever-greater heights of devilry, and topping last year's spectacle would be difficult indeed.  Sirius allowed himself to dwell for a moment on what he considered his greatest triumph to date, not least because he had contrived to pin the blame on James, who was actually innocent for once.  No doubt James remembered it too, although somewhat less fondly, and Sirius resolved to be extra cautious when opening doors for several days beforehand.

He opened the dormitory door and beheld a spectacle worthy of his considerable talent.

Had it not involved his room and his belongings, Sirius might have been able to take an academic interest in the destruction.  It was undoubtedly the work of a professional.  He could see that simply by the way their clothes had been dispersed.  It looked as though the entire room had just come out of a spin cycle.  However, those were his clothes (some of them, it was impossible to tell which) and those were his papers burning merrily in the wreck of the armoire.

"My experiments," Sirius howled, launching himself over to the fire.  He saw at once that it was hopeless.  His papers appeared to have been shredded beforehand, although they were so thoroughly burnt that it was hard to be sure of even that much.  About then he looked up and realized the other three were watching him.

"Sorry, Sirius," said Remus.  "We would have gotten you but there's nothing to be done, really."  He gestured to another, larger pile of ashes.  "If it helps, my story's gone too."

"Your story?"  Sirius felt numb.  Five years ought to have made a bigger fire than that, he thought.  "You don't have a copy?"

"Of course not," Remus said.  "Would you keep a copy of your diary?"

"Well no, but –"  Sirius broke off, went over to his bed and picked up his diary.  The cover was solid but the pages disintegrated, covering the floor with a fine confetti.  "I don't suppose it was too bright of me to write the magic word on the back cover," he said, looking at the dust that had been his words.

"Luckily pixies can't read," James said.

Sirius whipped around.  "Pixies?"

"One actually, we think," Peter said.

"One pixie?"  Sirius looked around again, slowly.  "I would love to see the pixie that could do this."

"At least it had the decency to leave our clothes intact," said Remus, "if somewhat disorganized."

"Well, all but our Quidditch cloaks," James said.  "Someone said they saw them up on the roof of the turret.  I was going to get my broom and fly up there later."

"That settles it then," Sirius said.  "Slytherin must be behind this somehow.  They're probably sore because we're winning the Quidditch tournament."

"In that case it could be Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff," pointed out Remus, ever impartial.

"Yeah, but Slytherin's in last place," said Sirius.  "Plus they all hate us, you know that."

Remus sighed.  "Time for that later.  What else got ruined?"

"Besides the Map?" James said.  It was in its accustomed place, but Remus's green ink was splattered all across it.  Below it on the floor was the smashed bottle.

Sirius snorted.  "Crude Slytherin symbolism, but at least we can restore it."

"Oh, and the Invisibility Cloak's gone."  James's voice was pointedly cool, but they all knew it was the only thing James had from his father and worth half a year of Galleons besides.

"The Slytherins'll have it, if it was them," Sirius said.

"Once we restore the map, we can watch it to see if they're using it," James reasoned.  "If not –"

"It could be hiding something," Peter said.  "Anything else missing?"

"Nothing comes to mind," Sirius said dully.  "Still, that is a possibility."

"How's your stuff, Peter?" said Remus.  "Did any of your literary ambitions get turned into kindling?"

"My Gryffindor championship T-shirt is all black," Peter said.  "Smells like ink, too."

"The one that your mum bleached?" Remus said.

"More evidence of a Slytherin attack," Sirius said.  "They're probably still mad about that one because we won in spite of their stinking little tricks."

James rose.  "I'm going to get our cloaks, Sirius, I'll be right back."  He went out.

Sirius sat down listlessly on his bed.  The curtains were stuffed in between the wall and the mattress, and the sheets were nowhere in sight.  He noticed his bookbag half underneath the bed and pulled it open, dreading what he might find.

Everything seemed untouched until Sirius flipped through his Transfiguration book; he discovered that the pages were hopelessly out of order and worse, some of them plainly belonged to his other textbooks.  Sirius frowned and said, "Don't you think this is a bit advanced for a pixie?"

Remus came over and took the book out of his hands.  "These are probably just Switching Spells, but you're right, pixies don't have any magic worth speaking of.  More likely it's fairies."

"But they wouldn't do something like this," Sirius said.  "Fairies aren't exactly brainy, and they're not malicious, unless –"

"The Slytherins, I know," Remus said wearily.  "You've told us."

Sirius said, "Considering the fact that we haven't seen a single sign of any magical creature –"

"I know what it could be," Remus interrupted.  "Imps."

"That does make sense," Sirius said.

"Peter, you're the magical creatures expert, what d'you say?"

Peter looked up from trying to untangle his curtains.  "Sorry, I wasn't listening."

Remus repeated himself and Peter said, "It seems like imps to me, but there's really no way to tell for sure."

"Of course not, they aren't going to leave their little footprints on the floor," Sirius snapped.  Just then James swooped in the window and dropped Sirius's Quidditch things on the floor. 

"None of it's hurt, but our scarves were flying off the top like some idiot flag," said James as he dismounted.  "Also, I just remembered – I locked that door when we left."

"What about the window?" Remus said.

"I'm fairly sure it was closed last time I saw it," said James.

"That really settles it then," Sirius said.  "It would take a strong wizard –"

"Or witch," said Remus.

" – to break those enchantments, and Severus Snape –"

James was looking at Sirius oddly.  "You broke those enchantments a week ago."

"So I did," said Sirius, blushing slightly.  "Which is why I'm certain that Snape could also do it."

James appeared vastly uncomfortable.  "I hate to say this, but we can't rule out sabotage.  Any of us is capable of breaking those enchantments."

"Except maybe for Peter," said Sirius.

"I should probably be mad about that," Peter said, "but I'm not."

"Do you think any one of us would destroy our own things?" Remus said.  "Would I burn my story, for example?"

"Of course not," said James, "but I thought it should be mentioned, at least."

"Thank you for that," said Sirius.

"Right, magical creatures," said Remus.  "Pixies are out, they can't do magic.  Fairies aren't intelligent or malicious enough.  Imps –" Remus summoned Peter's copy of Fantastic Beasts and read the entry silently to himself.  "And imps," he said, looking up at the rest of them, "cannot fly."

"Much as it pains me to admit it," Sirius said, "I stand in the presence of a more skilled mischief-maker than myself."

"No," Remus said.  "This is just plain vicious."

"I quite agree," James said.

"Remus, I'm sorry about your story," Sirius interrupted, knowing he sounded guilty but not caring.  He was innocent and he knew it, and that was all that mattered.

"It's okay."

And Sirius wondered how he could say that when everything was patently not okay.

* * *

That Saturday they went to Hogsmeade.  (In case you weren't counting, this is their fifth visit so far.)  Even James admitted that they probably spent more time in the village than they did at home during breaks, but this trip actually had a legitimate purpose.  All four of them needed to stock up on quills, ink, parchment and other scholastic necessities that the mysterious invader had trashed.  (Remus had fortunately been able to salvage their books; he was the only one of them patient enough to perform several hundred Switching Spells per book.)  Naturally they took the opportunity to visit Zonko's and Honeydukes to be sure they weren't missing out on some newly invented diversion.  Also, Sirius picked up a copy of the Hogsmeade Howler, the village's twice-weekly newspaper.

"I need to get a job," Sirius explained to Remus, who was taking up the other half of the couch as he attempted to get through the Potions reading for their next class.

"Oh yeah," said Remus, trying not to blink, because he was afraid that if he let his eyes close, they would be far too heavy to reopen.  "Dead set on that motorcycle, aren't you."

"Why're you doing that now?"  Sirius lowered the newspaper.  "It's only Saturday night and we don't have Potions until Tuesday.  I personally find it easier to remember the assignment when I skim it the night before."

"You don't understand," said Remus.  "I have to read it now so when I read it Monday night, I can understand it."

"Oh."  Sirius regarded him over the top of the classifieds.  "Your eyes aren't focusing too well."

"It's kind of tough reading," Remus admitted, "but I'm trying to come off the Wakefulness Potion slowly."

"How much sleep have you been getting?"

"A few hours here and there," said Remus.  "History of Magic is especially restful."

Sirius dropped the paper and took Remus's book out of his hands.  "Forget Potions, you need sleep."

Remus gave a feeble laugh.  "You ought to listen to yourself sometime.  Anyway, I can't, I still have half a flask of potion in my veins."

"Oh, is that all," Sirius said mockingly.  "We could have just bought new books, you know."

"Too much trouble," Remus muttered.  "Besides, you're saving up for the motorcycle."

"I can get money more easily than you can get sleep," Sirius told him.  "Go upstairs and try to rest."

"Not now."

"If you stay here I'm going to pester you with the help wanted ads," Sirius warned him.

"That's okay," Remus said.  "If I'm lucky they'll bore me to sleep."

"Fine."  Sirius unrolled the paper.  "Here's one – the owl office wants someone to help take care of the owls.  No experience necessary."  He crinkled his nose.  "Maybe if I can't find anything better, but I can't see myself cleaning up owl pellets."

"Mm-hm," Remus agreed.

"Gladrags wants a cashier, but that sounds like a full-time job.  Besides, they want someone 'hip and personable.'"

"Sounds like you."

"Don't flatter me.  Says here the Half-Cup wants servers."  Sirius snorted.  "Can you really imagine me serving tea?"

"Actually yes," Remus said.  "You could probably make a fortune on tips."

"I'll think about it."  Sirius continued down the column.  "Some old lady wants her Kneazle walked," he went on.  "You don't walk a Kneazle, it decides if it wants you along.  Sounds a bit risky to me."

Remus yawned.

"Getting sleepy yet?" Sirius inquired.

"God, no.  I feel like running laps around the school or something.  Look, I'm shaking."  Remus held out his hand.

"Had any caffeine lately?"

"Not intentionally."

"I see."  Sirius looked ready to say something else when James arrived and sat down between them.

"How'd it go?" Sirius asked instead.

James looked thunderous.  "Not so great."

"That bad, huh?"

"She found out about one of our little escapades," James admitted.

"Which one?" Remus said.

The black look returned.  "One that I thought no one else knew about."

"Not the tadpoles in the changing room?"

"No, worse."

"Boy, she must be ready to spit fire," Sirius said.  "She going to turn you in?"

"No idea," James said.  "Remus, are you very busy right now?"

"No, but –"

"Will you talk to Lily for me?"

"Oh no you don't," Remus said.  "I refuse to be your pander.  If you're going to fight, do it in person and don't involve me."

"We're not really fighting, she's just sort of disappointed," James said, "which is way worse."

"So what do you expect me to do?  I mean, you did do it, right?"

"Yeah, but –"

"Then what else is there to say?" Remus demanded.

"Tell her I did it for you," James said quietly.

"She didn't –"  Remus had to try again.  "She found out about – that?"

James just nodded.

"Then she doesn't want to see me," Remus said.  "I'm the one who made you do it in the first place."

"You didn't make me do anything," James snapped.  "It was entirely my idea."

Sirius cleared his throat.  "I believe it was mine, actually."

"All four of us are in this together," James retorted.  "We might as well share the blame and the credit."

"Entirely your idea?" Sirius said.

James flushed.  "Whatever.  The point is – oh, to hell with it, I can't remember."

"She had to find out sometime," Remus pointed out.

"Yeah, but I never actually thought she would," James said.

"Give the girl some credit," Sirius said.  "I mean, if you leave stag hairs on your robe or something – is that what happened?"

"More or less."

"You just better hope she loves you more than her Head Girl badge," Sirius said.

James dropped his head into his hands.  "I'm so dead."

"You mean we're so dead," Sirius said, looking faintly panicked.

"Boy am I glad I'm not an Animagus," Remus remarked.

James and Sirius gave him identical poison glares.  "Don't say that word," James hissed.

"I say we adjourn to the dorm," Remus said hastily.  "Peter needs to hear this anyhow."

"No," James said.  "Whoever broke in might've planted some kind of bug in there."

"Don't be paranoid," Sirius said.  "I mean, who cares what we talk about?"

"Someone who wants to get us expelled," James said darkly.  "Like Snape."

"So where do you suggest we go," said Remus, "the roof?"

Five minutes later, they were all lying on the level rooftop above the corridor, looking at the stars.

"Bloody brilliant, Remus," said James.  "We'll never get caught out here."

"I was joking, actually, but that's all right."

"It's also cold," Sirius complained.  "I can feel my eyeballs icing over."

"Close your eyes then, wiseacre," said James.

"What's a wiseacre?" Peter asked.

"James," said Sirius.

"Back to the subject," James said.  "Lily found out about us being – er, unregistered, and unfortunately for us, she has a strong sense of honor."

"Normally that's a good thing," Remus felt obliged to point out.  "Gryffindor, you know?"

"But we're doing a dishonorable thing for an honorable cause," James said.  "What does that make us?"

"Confused," suggested Sirius.

"I take it Lily didn't stick around for your reasons?" Remus said.

"Pretty much all she heard was the breaking the law part," James admitted.

"Write her a note," Peter said.

"And provide written evidence of our crimes?" James said.  "Thank you, but no."

"Have her up for a rooftop chat," Sirius said.  "Then she can't run away."

"Just ask to explain yourself," Remus said.  "If she's as honorable as you say, she'll listen."

"Good idea," James said, brightening.  "I think I'll go over to the Owlery and send her a note right now."  James picked up his broom.

"Could you drop me off at the dorm?" Peter asked.

"Sure."

That left Remus, Sirius and one broomstick.

"If it's too cold, go in," Remus said, "but I want to look at the stars."

"It's okay so long as I keep my eyes closed."

"You can't see the stars that way."

"I know."

For a while there was no sound but their breathing, which made fleeting stormclouds in the air.

"Thank God I didn't have to talk to Lily," said Remus at some point.

"That would have been interesting," Sirius agreed.

Remus sighed, creating a thunderhead.  "Do you think it'll turn out okay?"

Sirius wasn't quite sure what he meant.  "Yeah," he said, "if you wait long enough."

"That's comforting."  He could hear Remus's smile.

"I wish it was," he said.  "Do you think things won't be okay?"

"I don't know," Remus said.  "But I have to believe they will, or else there's no point going on."

"Good," Sirius said.  "I was ready to jump off the roof if you hadn't said that."

Remus smiled though he couldn't see it.  "You wouldn't, though."

"No," Sirius said.  "I'm going to live forever."

* * *

Potions was the first class on Tuesday mornings.  This time, James and Sirius were partners because, James said, "I can only take Peter in small infrequent doses."  They were in Sirius's usual spot, front row center, but Peter had dragged Remus off to the back.

"So they can discuss us more freely," said Sirius.

While they were concocting the potion, Sirius preferred not to talk about anything irrelevant to the task, and James respected his wishes.  However, with their combined talents, they were through with the delicate bits long before everyone else, and the rest of it was watching the potion bubble.

"So how did things go with Lily last night?" Sirius said, adjusting the fire as he squinted at the thermometer.

"Fairly well," James said, bottling the leftover Graphorn horn.  He looked surreptitiously to make sure Lily and Sibyl were still squabbling over their cauldron before he continued.  "Remus was right, she was perfectly willing to hear my explanation."

"I presume she won't be running to Dumbledore about it?"

"I don't think she will," said James.  "She admitted that she wasn't sure we were in the right –"

"Neither are we," Sirius pointed out.

"I told her as much.  But she did say our hearts were in the right place and that it was sweet of us to do that for Remus."

"How generous of her," Sirius said, frowning.

"I know, it's worrying me too," James confessed.  "I mean, how can she actually be as wonderful as she seems?"

"You never know, maybe she is."

"It scares me a little," James said.  "I don't understand what someone like her wants with someone like me."

"I'm sure she's never noticed your brains, talent and self-confidence," Sirius agreed.

"Besides that.  Sirius, I want you to be perfectly honest with me."

"No less."

"Am I a jerk?"

Sirius thought about it.  "You can be sometimes," he said, "but you're an endearing one."

"Well, that's all right with me," said James.  "I guess."

Sirius straightened up.  "I think it's stabilized," he said.  "Should we take it into the back?"

"Sure," James said.  "You take the fire, I'll take the cauldron."

He took out his wand and levitated the cauldron.

"Better not spill any of that," Sirius said.

"Relax, I'm perfect."  James moved off to the back room, keeping the cauldron precisely level.  Sirius scooped the fire into a jar and followed, reflecting that even if James did boast, he always managed to live up to himself.

In the back room, James set the cauldron down with hardly a ripple and Sirius rearranged the fire underneath it.  (This particular potion needed a week to simmer, so it would remain in the back until the following Tuesday's lesson.)  As Sirius fussily rechecked the thermometer, Severus Snape came in, bearing his cauldron in gloved hands.

"Hello, Snape," said James.

"Hello, Potter," he returned, nearly sending Sirius into his own cauldron.  Snape set his potion down and walked back out, presumably to fetch his fire.

"Did you hear that?" Sirius hissed, straightening his goggles.

"All he said was hello," James said.  "Not let's go for a butterbeer, my treat."

"Anything out of Snape's mouth that isn't a hex is cause for suspicion," Sirius said firmly, leading the way out.

"That's rather ungenerous, don't you think?"

Sirius and James stopped by Remus and Peter's table, James to heckle them and Sirius to evaluate their potion.

"Not bad," he concluded.

"Coming from the expert, that's high praise," Remus said.

They returned to their table for the last ten minutes of class, when everyone else was frantically trying to make their potions look like they were supposed to.  Rather, everyone but themselves and Severus Snape, who was coming up to the Professor's desk with a vial half coated in gold.  Sirius and James quickly pretended enormous interest in the desktop and their bookbags.

"Professor, I was wondering if you could tell me how much this gold is worth?"

Professor Paquerette breathed in sharply.  "How did you come by this?"

"I made this potion that coats everything it touches with gold."

"Almost like a Philosopher's Stone," she remarked, turning the vial over in her hands.

"But the Philosopher's Stone only turns metal into gold," Snape said quickly.  "This seems to adhere to any surface."

"This is incredible," the Professor said shakily.  "First, let's just verify that it really is gold."  She took a small bottle from a shelf behind her and, uncorking it, poured its contents onto the vial.  Sirius almost cried with relief when the gold substance turned green and began to smoke.

"Oh dear," the Professor said.  "I'm afraid it's only fool's gold.  Still, it could have some useful applications –"

Snape muttered something unintelligible and left as soon as he decently could.  Professor Paquerette went into the back, where she kept her cleaning supplies, and Sirius and James looked at each other.

"How could he have gotten the recipe?" Sirius said wonderingly.  "It was locked in my cabinet and I'd lost the magic word, you know that."

"Maybe he stole it," James said.  "The magic word, that is."

"No, I think I threw it away, and that was before the break-in anyhow," Sirius said.

"At least his little trick backfired," James said.  "He must not have thought to check it himself."

"But now I can't make my own Galleons," Sirius said.  "I'll have to work at the Half-Cup until the end of my days if I want that motorcycle."

"D'you think he thought that was the potion you were talking about Halloween Eve?" James said.

"I doubt that," Sirius said.  "He would have looked for that a long time ago, before I started to lock the cupboard and before I invented the golding one."

"So the only ones who knew about that potion –"

"Were the four of us," Sirius said.  They both turned around to look at Remus and Peter, neither of whom seemed any more suspicious than usual; they were far too busy with their potion to notice much else.

James gulped.  "You don't think one of them would –"

"Don't say it," Sirius ordered.  "I can't believe it of them.  Snape must have found it on his own."

"Yeah," said James, wanting very much to believe it.  "We still have to tell them, though, see how they react."

When the bell rang, Sirius and James went over to join Remus and Peter.

"Did you see what that cretin Snape did?" Sirius said as they left the dungeon for Defense class.

"We saw him follow you into the back," Remus said.  "Did he make you spill your potion or something?"

"No, he said hello, the ingrate," James said.

"What he did was pass off my golding potion as his to the Professor," Sirius said.

"So he's going to be rich and famous, huh," Peter said.

"Not exactly."  Sirius was blushing.  "Turns out it wasn't real gold after all."

"Caught in his own trap," Peter said.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out," Remus said to Sirius.  "I know you were counting on that potion."

"It's okay," Sirius said.  "Every business in Hogsmeade will be clamoring to hire me anyway."  But he glanced quickly at James, who looked as lost as Sirius felt.  And scared, he finally admitted to himself.  He didn't want to discover that one of his friends had sold him out for fool's gold.

* * *

Friday night the four of them normally would have gone for a butterbeer, which would have turned into several, which would have made them lean heavily on each other as they returned to the castle later that night singing in tuneless four-part harmony.  However, Gryffindor's final Quidditch match, in which they would play Hufflepuff, was scheduled for the next day, so all four of them were gathered around the fireplace, waiting for nine o'clock and bedtime.  James was reading from a Quidditch strategy book nearly the size and weight of a runty first year and scribbling random phrases from it onto his parchment.  Peter and Sirius were playing Exploding Snap, Sirius paying more attention to Remus than the game.  The reason for this was readily apparent – Remus was roasting and eating his way through an entire bag of marshmallows, and James had refused to let any of the team have sweets for the past week.

"What harm would one marshmallow do?" Sirius whined, greedily eyeing Remus's current one.

"If you eat one, you'll eat fifty," James snapped.  "I know what you're like around food.  You don't stop eating as long as it doesn't fight back."

"Don't worry, James," said Remus, licking his fingers clean.  "Every last one of these is mine."

James looked up from his book and frowned.  "May I ask why you plan to eat an entire bag of marshmallows?"

"Because he enjoys tormenting me, the sadist."

"Because I saw them in your trunk and decided I had to eat all of them."

James's frown deepened.  "What were you doing in my trunk?"

"Getting more parchment.  I've run out already."

"You just bought some a week ago," James said.  "Pardon me while I go see what else you've pilfered from my trunk."  He got up and headed for the dormitories.

"What's his problem?" Remus wondered aloud.  "We steal things from each other all the time."

Sirius stared wordlessly at his cards.

"Speaking of which, Peter, were you the one who took my hat?"

Peter squirmed.  "Well –"

Sirius glanced up sharply at him.

"I transfigured it into a flower pot," Peter admitted.

"None of the other six was the size you wanted?" Remus said dryly.

Peter sighed.  "I'm sorry.  But you never wear it anymore, so I thought –"

"That doesn't mean it isn't still close to my heart," Remus said.  "Damn, I burnt that one."  He ate it anyway.

"I love burnt ones," Sirius groaned.

Just then James returned.  "Exactly how many parchments did you steal?" he demanded, reclaiming his place.

"An even dozen," Remus said.

"You writing a book or something?"

"Actually, yes."  Remus speared another marshmallow.  "That reminds me, today's the thirteenth."

"Bravo," James said.

"Also Friday."

"Don't tell me you believe in that crap," Sirius said.

"I don't know about Friday, but there's something about the thirteenth," Remus said.  "December thirteenth was the day I drank that potion and ended up in the hospital wing.  February thirteenth was the day that – well, we made the Inclemency potion –"

Remus glanced up at Sirius, who seemed to remember.

"What was so bad about that?" James said.  "You two got perfect marks on it."

"And I had hall duty all afternoon," Remus said.

"And you pitched a fit at supper," Peter said gleefully.

"And I had to give you a Calming Potion so you wouldn't take my head off," Sirius said.  "It must have been around That Time."

"I think it was," Remus said.

"So the thirteenth skips a month," James said.  "Nothing in November or January, right?  You ought to be safe."

"Besides, what's going to happen?" Peter said.  "The day's practically over."

"I could burn myself on a marshmallow," Remus said.

"If only we were so lucky," Sirius sighed.

Remus made a face.  "You're such an arse."

"Be nice now, boys," James said idly, twiddling his quill.  "Don't make me have to come over there."

Remus was framing a blistering retort when the cards exploded, blowing Sirius's glasses right off his face.

"I'm blind," he howled, patting the floor frantically.

"Right here."  Remus put them in his hand.

"You know, Sirius," said James, "there's a few spells that can fix your eyes right up."

"No, James, you are not performing amateur eye surgery on me," Sirius said.  "I appreciate the offer, though."

"You could always ask Madame Pomfrey to give you magical ones," Peter said.

Remus sniggered.  "Or just accidentally get some Searing Solution into your eyes, then you won't have to ask."

Sirius frowned at Remus, or the marshmallows.

"Yeah, they say those magical eyes can see right through cloth."  James wiggled his eyebrows.

"Thank God I'm not a pervert like you," Sirius said.

James shrugged.  "We all have our roles to fill," he said.  "I'm a pervert.  You're a screwball.  Remus does the work, and Peter makes us an even number."

"You've got a point," Sirius said.

"Damn straight I do," Remus said.

"You going to play or not?" Sirius said to Peter.

Remus reached for another marshmallow, but James snatched the bag away.  "Eat any more of those and you'll never go to sleep."

"You can't tell me what to eat," Remus stormed.  "I'm not on your stupid team."

"Didn't I tell you?  You're the mascot."

"Yeah?  Is that what they do for people they won't let on the real team?"  Remus grinned crookedly.  "I'm a lion, hear me roar."

Sirius looked at James.  "You just got done telling me I was the screwball."

James shrugged. "Sorry about that."

"I'm not crazy, all right?" Remus said.  "I've had one too many marshmallows is all."

"Of all the people to discover you can get drunk on marshmallows," Sirius said.

"I'm not drunk either."  Remus threw his roasting stick into the fireplace.  "I'm going up to bed."

"It's only eight-thirty," Sirius said, but Remus was already gone.

"What's with everyone?" Peter said.  "It's like something's different all of a sudden and no one wants to admit it."

"Really?" James said.  "Well, you've always been a bit slow on the uptake, at least that much hasn't changed."

Peter reddened.  "That wasn't very nice."

James shrugged.  "The truth hurts."

Peter looked as though he might cry; he threw down his handful of cards and left through the portrait hole just before the deck exploded.

Sirius found his glasses and put them back on.  "That was a tad harsh of you, James."

"I know, but…"  James sighed.  "Tell me, do you really truly like Peter?"

"I don't know, but he's our friend."

"He's only our friend because he asked to sit with us at lunch the first week here," James said, "and I couldn't say no because I didn't like the way he snores, see what I mean?"

"Oh, so it's him," Sirius said.  "I've been wondering about that for the longest time, but you can't just ask people that sort of thing."

"We're really his only friends in the world," James went on as though he hadn't heard.  "I don't think he even talks to anyone else.  He owes us everything, why sell us out?"

"Remus owes us just as much," Sirius said.  "We're flirting with Azkaban so he can run around the Forbidden Forest once a month."

"Well, that leaves you and me," James said, "and I know I didn't do it."

"James, I would die before I betrayed us," Sirius said, "and I don't know how to convince you except die or make some Veritaserum."

"No need," James said.  "I trust you."

Hearing those words now made Sirius feel unaccountably weepy.  "Thank you," he said.