Chapter 8 – Hogwarts, a Melodrama

The last day of March was Sirius's first day at work.  He returned to the common room at eight-thirty, yawning enormously, and draped himself over an armchair.

"How'd it go?" asked James.  He was sitting with Lily on the couch, and Peter was lying on his stomach reading a book whose words kept jumping around on the page.  He had his wand out, trying to get them to stay put, but so far with little success.

Sirius sighed effusively.  "You are not going to believe this," he said.  "Actually, you'll probably wet yourself laughing."

"Excellent," James said.  "I haven't had a proper laugh in a week.  Don't keep us in suspense."

Sirius sighed again.  "We have to wear aprons."

James reacted quite calmly.  "Sorry, I didn't catch the last word.  You have to wear what?"

"Aprons."  Sirius had to explain.  "You know, white bits of cloth you tie around your waist, like with lace and stuff."

James began snickering madly; Lily herself was trying, not altogether successfully, to lose her giggles in her sleeve.  "I don't suppose yours has lace?" he choked out after a prolonged silent spasm of mirth.

"Actually it does.  Well, it was that or sunflower appliqués," he snapped.  "Would you stop that?  You look like you're going to asphyxiate."

"It's okay," Lily said.  "I know how to do artificial respiration."

"Lovely and talented," Sirius said.  "James, please.  You really are frightening me."

James drew in a huge, shuddering breath.  "I hope they're paying you enough to replace your self-respect," he said at last, still laughing.

Sirius looked wounded.  "Are you suggesting that my opinion of myself is entirely dependent on my appearance?  I'll have you know my self-image is much more secure than that.  Oh, by the way, where's Remus?  I have to talk to him about something."

"Upstairs, I think," said James.  "Although I don't think he'll enjoy your story quite as much as I did."

Sirius pelted up the stairs and threw himself against their door.  To his surprise, it yielded, and Sirius stumbled gracelessly into the room.  Remus whipped around at the sudden noise.

"Why didn't you put the wards on?" Sirius accused, steadying himself against the wall.

"I did."  Remus replaced his wand and crossed the room to pull the door shut.  He turned to face Sirius, who remarked the ink stains on his fingers.  Green, of course.  "How was work?"

"It was okay.  We had to wear aprons."

As James had predicted, Remus did not seem to find it at all amusing.  Instead he regarded Sirius for a long minute, then he said conversationally, "Something else on your mind?"

"Actually, yes."  Sirius seized the opening.  "I was thinking –"

"Before or after class?" Remus said, his tone still perfectly friendly.

Sirius frowned.  "Don't try to be funny.  I have exclusive rights on that.  Anyway, as I said, I was thinking, and it really isn't fair of me to ask you to do my – er, well, you know."

"Plastic surgery?"

"Something like that," Sirius said, looking still more irritated.  "I mean, you have quite enough to be getting on with, and the incantations are probably damn near impossible –"

"I understand," Remus said.  "I wouldn't want me holding the wand either, being what I am," and some of his self-loathing escaped in the last words.  "Are you going to try it yourself or have someone else do it?"

"Well, I was going to ask James," Sirius said, shocked into complete honesty, "but –"

Sirius didn't hear him speak an incantation, but the book was suddenly in Remus's hand and he held it out to Sirius.  "Here you go."

He took it, still dumbfounded.  "May I ask you a question?"

"Certainly."

"What would it take to make you mad?" Sirius asked, and his tone was the equal of Remus's in courteous neutrality.  "I mean really mad, like chucking your wand into a corner and coming after me with your fists."

Remus appeared to consider the question.  Finally he said, "Well, you would either have to blab my secrets to the entire school, or else insult my family.  Which is kind of the same thing."

"That all?" Sirius said.  "I could write an essay about what makes me mad."

"Oh, I'm sure there are things I haven't thought of," Remus said equably.  "Those are just the basics."

"So your best friend insulting your magical ability, no matter how delicately, doesn't make the list?"

"Not in this case," said Remus.  "As I keep telling you, James is your best friend, and I won't even pretend I can compete with him magically.  Also this saves me a lot of work and the responsibility of trying to improve on nature.  So I think altogether I've got the better deal."

"Wait, did you just say I was good-looking?"

"Not at all."  Then Remus thought about it again.  "Oh, I didn't mean you were ugly – I just – I don't think about what you look like."

"Thank God for that," Sirius sighed.  "All the girls who are about to realize how gorgeous I am don't need another rival."

Remus snorted.  "I doubt that would faze them."

"Oh, I don't know," Sirius said.  "They might find all that perfection a bit tough to compete with."

"I am not perfect," Remus snapped.

"Oh really?  In that case you're giving perfection quite a bad name."

"What makes you think I am?" Remus said belligerently.

"Even if I told you, you're too modest to believe me," Sirius said.  "Also, you never lose your temper."

"Keep talking and I will."

"Fine, you're an ugly brainless toad," Sirius snapped.  "That what you want to hear?"

Remus relaxed.  "Yes, thank you."

"Oh wait, I've just found your tragic flaw," Sirius said mockingly.  "Your abysmal self-esteem."  He slammed out of the room, yelling, "Put the wards on better if you don't want me messing up your life."

Remus went back to the desk to finish reading the Potions assignment.  It took him a full fifteen minutes to find his place.

* * *

Remus woke up the next morning to the sound of Sirius singing.  His work of choice was "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," repeated at intervals of about thirty seconds.

"Would you stop that godawful noise?" Remus grouched, pulling open his Hufflepuff curtains.  Sirius was standing there looking sheepish, an effect heightened by his woolly slippers with animated sheep heads.

"Where in heaven's name did you get those?" Remus asked.  "Never mind that, why're you wearing them?"

"The floor's cold," he said sulkily.  "Hey, stop that."  The left sheep was snapping at the hem of Remus's curtains.

"Oh for goodness' sake," Remus yawned, scuffing his feet into his own slippers.  "What time is it?  It still looks dark out there."

"Six fifty-two," Sirius said.

Before Remus could reply, the door burst open and James sailed in.  He had plainly been to the prefects' bathroom already; his black hair was wet and a pronounced odor of cinnamon attended him.  "Morning, all," he said cheerfully.

Remus frowned at James.  "What's there to be so happy about, and why are you up this early?"

"The bubble bath just got refilled," James said, presumably in answer to the first question.  "You ought to go check it out."

"Why?" said Remus suspiciously.

James and Sirius traded looks.  "Why not?" James said.

"Because you never tell me to do anything for my own good," Remus said.  "Usually it's so you can have a good laugh."

James sighed.  "You know me entirely too well."  He glanced at Peter's Slytherin drapes, which were still closed.  He lowered his voice.  "Actually, we're planning a trick on Peter, and it would really help if you could disappear for –" he checked his watch – "half an hour or so?  More if you can."

"No problem," Remus said.  "Anything I can do to help?"

"I don't think so.  We've got it all taken care of," James said, grinning hugely.  "It ought to be quite a show."

Remus grabbed his bathrobe and fresh clothes and promptly left, entertaining himself during the walk with fantasies of what the trick on Peter might be.  Happily there was no one in the bathroom this early, and even the mermaid's picture was empty, so Remus had the place entirely to himself.

In the grand tradition of Ms. Rowling, there will be no questionable scenes in the prefects' bathroom (although the PG-13 rating does allow for a little more leeway – please refer to the guidelines of the Global Association of HP Fanfic Ratings for further information).  So forty-five minutes later, Remus emerged smelling of cherry blossom, his bright hair still dripping but in all other respects entirely presentable.

There was no one in the dormitory when he returned.

Remus wasn't overly alarmed.  It was quarter to eight and the others had probably already gone down to breakfast.  He picked up his bookbag and went downstairs, his daydreams of Peter's imminent downfall now interspersed with visions of cream puffs and marshmallow chickens for breakfast.  However, even these enticing visions did not long distract Remus from the fact that the corridors were unusually empty.  At this time the halls ought to be filling up with groups of yawning, tousle-haired students clutching their bags and dreaming, as he was, of breakfast.  In point of fact he had not yet seen a single other student.  The halls of Hogwarts were empty as the day they were made.  Remus had the sudden claustrophobic sense of awaking in a nightmare.

He ran the rest of the way.

Every one of the other two hundred eighty-seven students was already in his or her seat.  Every one of them was staring at Remus.  By contrast, there were only three or four teachers there yet, and they were all whispering to one another.  There was one seat left at the Gryffindor table, and it was next to Sirius Black.

Remus knew this had not been engineered for his benefit.  He wanted to turn and run, barricade himself in the tower and dare them to come take what they wanted.  Instead he kept walking.  Let them have it, he thought at some level below thought.  Whatever it is.

He stopped next to the empty chair and Sirius leapt up.

"Remus!" he said and his voice was loud in the preternatural stillness.  Remus felt the first droplet of anger – was that a Sonorus Charm he was using?  "I have a confession to make."

"Yeah?" Remus said and by the way his voice echoed he knew he was under the same spell.  He glanced at James and Peter, sitting across the table, thinking it was probably James.  Peter was grinning so hard his eyes had practically disappeared.  Remus loathed him with a sudden and passionate intensity.  He turned back to Sirius, folded his arms.  "Okay," he said.  "I'm listening."

Sirius looked down and shuffled his feet.  He might have been standing on the high dive about to jump off.  Remus wondered suddenly if this were genuine.

"You're so bloody wonderful," Sirius said.  "Always have been.  I remember the very first thing you said to me at the Welcoming Feast.  You said, 'Sirius Black?  You don't look it.'  And I said, 'My parents picked my name out of a hat when I was three years old and my grandpa Arland, who I was named after, died and left every last Knut to St. Mungo's.'  And you said, 'I got to choose my own name.'  And I never told you…"  Sirius looked up at him and Remus wanted to believe whatever was coming.  "I never told you but I thought you were absolutely the coolest kid I'd ever in my life met.  I had no idea that I might someday fall in love with you."

The entire hall inhaled sharply as one.

"And you haven't," Remus said sharply.  "Have you?"

Sirius just looked at him, so long that Remus felt himself tilting backwards over an abyss, then he smiled and said, "Happy April Fool's."

"You're a bloody wonderful actor," Remus snapped, shaking with rage.  "Something useful to know about your friend."  He whirled around to leave.

"It was supposed to be funny," Sirius said after him.

"I have a twisted sense of humor," Remus yelled over his shoulder.  "I don't get a laugh out of playing with other people's emotions.  Or lives, for that matter."  The doors leading out of Great Hall were twice as tall as a person and three times as heavy, but Remus slammed them with all the force of his fury and the enchanted ceiling trembled.

Sirius flinched, from the doors or the comment.

"What he said…" James began.  "He didn't –"

"I wouldn't know," Sirius said.  He sat down in his chair because he had just realized he was the only person standing in the entire hall.  For the first time Sirius could remember, he didn't want to eat anything.  He was replete with guilt and he could not cram another morsel in.

"Bit of a poor sport, I'd say.  Pumpkin juice?" Peter offered.

Sirius shook his head numbly.

"That probably wasn't the greatest idea we've ever had," James said.

Sirius wanted to laugh at the inadequacy of that but he had never felt less like laughing.  He ate some toast because James put it on his plate, and after breakfast he was not in the least surprised when Dumbledore asked him to come to the headmaster's office.

With his usual incisiveness Dumbledore remarked, "Clearly you're much more miserable than any punishment of my invention would make you."

Sirius agreed with him.

Remus didn't show up for History of Magic, Charms, or lunch.  None of them knew whether he'd gone to Runes or not, but they agreed, while they were discussing him at supper, that it was fairly unlikely.

"I would go look for him," Sirius said, "but it seems I've forfeited that right."  And without the Marauder's Map, neither of the others would have a chance, and they knew it.

Back up to the tower they trudged after supper.  Lily was on the couch waiting for James.  She shone at the sight of him.

"Lily," he said, "I need to tell you something."  All of James's usual swagger and bragger was nowhere to be seen.  "I cheated on you."

Lily laughed.  "Nice try, big guy.  I know what today is."

Up in the dormitory that night, James said, "She didn't believe me," and his voice was full of wonderment.  "What a crap day to tell the truth."

Sirius said, "She wouldn't have believed you if you'd said it last week, you big galoot."

"So what am I supposed to do?" James wailed.

"Think of it as your second chance," Sirius advised.  "You told her, she forgave you."

"Yeah," James said, brightening.  "Besides, it's not like it's ever going to happen again."

"Er," Sirius said, his curiosity raging.  "Who –"

"You aren't going to believe this," James said, "but I don't know.  She was dead sexy, though."

"That pretty much lets out the population of Hogwarts, then," Sirius said.  "Er, what –"

"Nothing much," James said.  "By which I mean no clothing hit the ground."

"I see," Sirius said.

"Of course I don't remember the incident all that well, so who knows."

"Ah," Sirius said.  "Why –"

"A bit too much to drink," James said.  "You know how it is."

"Of course," Sirius said.

Just before Sirius fell asleep, he realized that Remus still had not come in.

* * *

During Ancient Runes, Rohanna Lynch had asked if she could go look for Remus.  "I think I know where he is," she'd said, blushing slightly and trying to ignore the giggles of her classmates.  After a couple of wrong guesses, she did find him.  He was on the Astronomy tower looking for stars.

"I expected something a bit more subtle and offbeat from you," she said to him.  "This place is really gauche, you know what I mean?"

"Despite its other uses," Remus said, "I've found it actually has a good view of the stars.  It's Hogwarts' best-kept secret."

"And the view is even better at night."  She sat a few feet down from him on the ledge, dangling her feet over the wall.

"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" he said, not irritably.

"The same one you're supposed to be in.  If you want me gone, don't be so polite about it.  Just shove me over the edge."

"No, I'm just worried who I'll get the homework from."

"Oh, I'll get it off McDonough," she said.  "He is a living paradox.  The intelligent Hufflepuff."

"They aren't so rare.  I hear there was one last century.  Anyway," Remus said, "I was almost in Hufflepuff myself."

"Really?"  Rohanna raised a mahogany eyebrow.  "Why Gryffindor, then?"

"Oh, I wanted to be in Hufflepuff.  I told the Sorting Hat as much, but it seemed to think it knew better than me.  It couldn't have known," he said pensively.  "At least, I hope it didn't."

"This is probably rude of me – forget that, it's extremely rude, but do you like Sirius?"

"Not anymore."

"Did you?"

"Only as a friend."  Remus grinned crookedly.  "Despite the rumors, I don't lean that way.  Of course it's a natural conclusion when someone like me only uses this place to look at the stars."

"It is a wee bit suspicious," Rohanna agreed.  "If you don't like the rumors you ought to just have a fling with some girl to set the record straight."

"Oh no," Remus said.  "I'm much too honorable for that."

"I'm with the hat," said Rohanna.  "Any more Gryffindor and you'd snap in two."  She swung her feet back over the ledge.  "I'd love to sit and argue Sorting philosophy with you forever, but I don't want to add to the large body of rumors about you by not going back to class.  Besides, McDonough is way more arrogant than your average Huff-n-Puff.  He ought to be in Gryffindor if you ask me."

"Thanks," he said.  "For coming up.  I don't appreciate the crack about Gryffindor at all."

"Oh, don't thank me.  It was a purely selfish act on my part.  You're the only remotely interesting person in that class and I had to make sure you hadn't jumped off the tower, or else the sheer boredom would have driven me over the edge within a week.  Thank you for having the guts to keep living."

"That was a purely selfish act on my part."

Rohanna grinned.  "Keep it up and you might just find yourself in Ravenclaw, who by the way kicked your butt in Quidditch."

"We also beat your brother's team senseless," Remus said.

"Don't I know it.  I was cheering for Gryffindor the whole time."  Rohanna flapped the creases out of her robes.  "I have to run.  I'll be in the library this evening if you feel like doing some work."

"What time?"

"The whole time," she said.  "Rumor has it the Ravenclaw common room is the library.  Of course you know how rumors are."  She smirked.  "Sayonara, pal."

As she left Remus remembered that the only reason she'd noticed him in the first place was because of Sirius.  He decided he wasn't going down to lunch after all.

* * *

Things were different after April first.  That seemed fairly obvious to Remus, but his three friends without exception acted as though nothing had happened since March or, for that matter, since Halloween Eve.  If Remus hadn't personally been there, he might have suspected they were right.  As it was, the charade had begun increasingly to disgust him.  When they were grouped about the fireplace, Lily and James talking quietly, Peter and Sirius squirting each other with Gobstones and Remus reading, it was all he could do not to yell at them, "What were you doing on the morning of April first?"  The only thing keeping him quiet was the suspicion that he didn't want to hear their answer. 

And the only thing truly different was that there were no more jokes about Remus and Sirius being anything more than friends.  Though truthfully Remus didn't know if he and Sirius were even friends.  Sirius didn't act any differently, but the distance was there.  Remus assumed it was because he had spoiled the joke.  It didn't occur to him that he'd done so by making it seem true, and that Sirius might think it true.

Still, it was a relief when Professor McGonagall sent around the sign-up sheet for Easter break and Remus was the only one who signed it.  Peter and Sirius were both going home, and James was going to spend the break at Lily's house.  "I hope she was joking about her sister," James said.  "If not, well, I guess it's better to find out sooner than later."

"Right," Sirius said.  "Before you're related to her, you mean."

James scowled.  "I wouldn't have put it that way, but yeah.  Pretty much."

During all of this, everyone seemed to have forgotten that April fifteenth happened to be Remus's birthday and it fell right in the middle of break.  Remus had a feeling that this was not because they were planning something special for it.  He wondered if things would have been different if Sirius had contented himself with some lesser prank.  He wondered if they weren't all secretly happy to be gone, or even if they had planned it so.  Remus would not have been greatly surprised to discover they had.  He was suddenly outside their circle, while all four of them acted to the world and each other as if nothing had changed.

For his part, Remus was glad to see them gone, even though he would never admit as much aloud.  The first full day of vacation, Remus wandered down to the library, because he knew full well that Rohanna would be there.  And he was right.

Rohanna waved madly at him from her table, a tiny round oak one that was covered with a hundred generations of initials, in the corner beneath a window.  Remus perched on the edge, since she had the only chair that didn't look as though it was about to collapse.  She was reading out of a miniature book, maybe the size of a postcard, which was inscribed in a hand that made Remus feel nauseated just looking at it.

"What on earth is that?" he said.  "Can you even read it, or are you just pretending?"

"I'm trying to translate it," she said irritably.  "Only none of the spells are any help, since I can't find a key for it.  You're good with languages, you take a look at it."  She flung the book at him and buried her head in her folded arms.

"I'm no such thing," Remus said, but he was already flipping through the pages.  "Have you got a magnifying glass or something?"

"You're a wizard," she snapped, her voice muffled in the table.  "What do you need with an idiot piece of glass?"

"I'm hopeless at ocular spells," Remus informed her.  "You ought to know that."

"To hear you tell it, you're hopeless at everything," Rohanna grouched, but she did put the spell on him.

"Much better," he said, and proceeded to study the manuscript for so long that Rohanna actually fell asleep.  When she began to snore, Remus cast a Quietus charm on her and kept working.  At one point he eased off the table and returned with a dictionary; then he removed the quill that was holding Rohanna's hair up and began scribbling on a piece of her parchment.  She only woke up when she began to inhale a lock of her hair, and even then Remus was still working.

"Yargh," she said, pulling her hair out of her mouth.  Absently Remus removed the charm.  "Ugh," she added.  "I don't normally drool in my sleep."

"I do," Remus said, continuing to write.

"Is that my quill?"

"It was the only one around."

"What kind of knothead comes to the library without his quill?" she asked the table.  "I could have choked myself."

"I wouldn't have let you."  Remus scribbled a final sentence and handed parchment, book and quill to her triumphantly.  "It's in Fleeish," he explained as she scanned his notes.  "That isn't much different from Breeish, which I've seen before, so I could help you out with a translation spell at least –"

"Are you crazy?  I need a translation spell just for your writing, and I've never even heard of Breeish."  Rohanna gave him back the book and the notes, but kept her quill.  "This one's way out of my league."

Remus took them back, not reluctantly.  "This ought to amuse me for the rest of vacation."

"Don't you try telling me that translation is more entertaining than your friends."  Rohanna deftly twisted her hair up and skewered it with her quill.  "Are they mad at you, or are you mad at them?"

"They went home for break," Remus said, not looking at her.

"Oh."  Rohanna considered him for a moment.  "Do you feel like visiting the Ravenclaw commons?"

"Er –"  Remus hesitated.  "Won't there be a bunch of people around?"

Rohanna rolled her eyes.  "You've got to be kidding me.  This time of day, they're all in here."

Looking around, Remus had to admit that the library appeared to contain approximately half the members of Ravenclaw house.  "Well –"

"Come on," she said impatiently.  "Grab your moldy old book and let's go."

"It was your moldy old book first," Remus felt obliged to point out, but he tucked it under his arm and followed Rohanna out of the library.

Remus had visited the Ravenclaw common room before, twice in fact, during his quest to procure Sirius a set of Ravenclaw curtains for Christmas.  (But Remus had determined not to think of Sirius over break.  It hurt his heart to picture the gleeful expression on Sirius's face when he'd ripped open those curtains.)  However, those previous visits had been in the dead of night, running like mad through the common room to get to Rohanna's room, so Remus had never actually seen the common room in full daylight.  Moreover, Rohanna had insisted on his wearing a blindfold the entire way there, so Remus wasn't even sure where the entrance was.

"So how come you can show me the way now?" Remus demanded, trailing her through the library.  "What's the difference, besides a few months?"

"Honestly Remus, sometimes you worry me.  I'm almost certain that the noble house of Ravenclaw is better off without you."  Rohanna turned right out of the library and proceeded down the corridor, which became ever narrower until it ended in a cul-de-sac.  On the wall hung a tapestry with an intricate floral pattern.  Rohanna leaned forward and blew on it, and silky living flower petals fluttered in the air around them.  Remus touched one and it disappeared.  Now the tapestried vines were bare and a young girl in a fluttery yellow dress stepped out from behind them.  "Password?"

"Fig Newtons," Rohanna said and the tapestry rolled itself up.

"What kind of crazy password is that?" Remus said.

"I thought it was quite good."  Rohanna swept past him into the Ravenclaw common room, and Remus followed.

Dusty blue couches were scattered about the octagonal room.  The walls were covered with dusty hangings, and dust motes drifted from the ceiling in the butterscotch light.  "This place is hell on allergies," Rohanna said, choosing a couch.

"How come there aren't any tables?" Remus said, taking a seat next to her.

"Rowena always said her students didn't need any more incentive to work themselves to death."  Rohanna grinned.  "As usual, she was right."

"How d'you know what she said?"

"Oh, I read her life history," Rohanna said.  "All fifteen volumes.  It got dull in spots, like the first twenty years of her life.  She spent them reading.  Then she met Godric and wow, the sparks flew and they were having a flaming affair right under Salazar's nose –"

"Godric Gryffindor?" said Remus.

"Of course.  Don't you read anything?  He was the biggest player in Hogwarts history, probably all of history.  He got a Time-Turner just so he could be with three women at once, that would have been Helga, Rowena and I think maybe Indred, but he ditched her later for some redheaded floozy.  And that's just the first chapter," she said, smirking at Remus in a knowing way.  "Don't tell me you haven't heard any of that."

"The first chapter of what?" Remus said, recovering his wits at last.

"Hogwarts, a History.  Oh, I know what everyone says about it, and the bits about construction and house-elves and headmasters really are intolerable, but boy, Lives of the Founders is great bedtime reading."

"I bet the life of Godric Gryffindor is even better," Remus said.

"Oh, it is.  It's in the Restricted Section and there's not a hint of Dark magic in it," Rohanna said.  "That book taught me more than I'll ever need to know, let me tell you."

"Good Lord," Remus said.  "So how'd things turn out?"

"Well, Salazar didn't like Godric's ethics, can't blame him, and Godric thought Salazar was an ice cube because he liked snakes better than people.  Anyway, Godric ended up ditching both Helga and Rowena for some prophetess named Sallina, and they had half a dozen kids or so.  Helga had a kind of lukewarm affair with Salazar, but she still wanted Godric so she ended up stabbing herself with a carving knife and it took her five hours to die.  Godric didn't even come to her funeral, so Rowena and Salazar put some kind of nasty curse on him so he couldn't, er, discharge his conjugal duties, anyhow Sallina left him for Salazar, Godric killed both of them, Rowena locked him up in a privy for the last sixty-five years of his life and she died of old age."

"Wow," said Remus.  "I wonder when they had time to found Hogwarts."

"They didn't," Rohanna said.  "They just kind of took credit for it, named the houses after themselves and rewrote the history books.  And we act like they're third step-cousins to royalty."  Rohanna snorted.  "Bunch of tenth-century soap opera stars if you ask me."

"Does anyone else know all that?" Remus asked.

"You mean besides Ravenclaw house?  Dumbledore, but he thinks it's hysterical.  He likes to trot out that story when the heads of all the other magical schools start maundering on about their illustrious founders."  Rohanna yawned.  "But Dumbledore's always been a facetious old loony, even you ought to know that.  Anyhow I didn't drag you here to educate you about our distinguished founders."

"Why did you drag me here?"

"To admire those musty old wall hangings, why else?  Listen, Remus, you're a fabulous person, you know runes better than anyone else alive, you're lots of fun to argue with, but if you think I want to kiss you, you're absolutely out of your tree."

"What?"

"Oh, no, that's what you're going to say to me," Rohanna said, blushing furiously.  "What I really meant to say was, if you're quite over Sirius by now, I haven't got anything better to do at the moment."

"How did I get along without you?" Remus said, straight-faced.  "You make me feel ten feet tall.  Don't you ever listen to a word I say?  I told you, Sirius and I were never more than friends, and now I don't know if we're even that."

"Well," said Rohanna.  "As long as we've got that point cleared up."

And now for a word on my role as author.  I am not here to increase your heart rate with an exquisitely rendered snog session.  For that, there are other stories and other authors.  All I can really do is tell you what happened.  So here it is –

He kissed her.  She kissed him back.

Or maybe it was the other way round.

They didn't bother arguing the point, so neither will I.