Chapter 9 – Epidemic

All that first afternoon of vacation, Remus spent with Rohanna learning the history of Hogwarts.  It wasn't until supper was over and they had left Great Hall together that Remus remembered what day it was.

"So what do you feel like doing now?"  Rohanna wiggled her eyebrows at him.  "Tonight's the full moon and I hear the Astronomy tower has a great view of the night sky."

Remus nearly stopped breathing.  His brain whirled, hunting for an excuse that didn't involve the sudden death of an immediate family member.  "Er," he said.  "Actually, I promised Sirius I'd tend his potion tonight.  It's at a critical stage."

Rohanna frowned.  "He didn't take it with him?"

"He's a bit paranoid," Remus said.  "He didn't want to subject it to the stresses of travel."

"Haven't you done enough for that ungrateful twat?" Rohanna said angrily.  "He's got some nerve, expecting you to tend his potion after what he did to you."

"Well –"  Remus paused.  She didn't know the half of what he'd done for Sirius.

"If I were you, I'd put something really putrid in there and say a rat fell in by accident."

Remus thought reflexively of Peter.  "You keep forgetting I'm a Gryffindor."

"Curse your honor."  Rohanna sighed.  "At least walk me back to the common room.  Then the third-floor boggarts won't have a chance."

Luckily Madame Pomfrey didn't ask why he was late, but she still seemed rather put out; she preserved a grim silence on the way to the Whomping Willow and slammed the door of the Shrieking Shack on him with what Remus suspected was malicious pleasure.  It was the first full moon since Christmas Eve that Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail had not been there, which meant he had not even their midnight hunt to sustain him.

It was not exactly a restful night.

Madame Pomfrey came for him at dawn.  Normally Remus would have spent the day in the hospital wing, but he insisted on going back to his dormitory.  After he reminded her that arguing was wasting what little strength remained to him, she gave in.  Remus fell promptly asleep and was only awakened when someone began pounding on the door.

"Urk," he protested.

"Are you in there, Remus?"  Even in his marshmallow-brained state, Rohanna's voice was unmistakable.

Panicking, Remus attempted to get out of bed, only to collapse on the floor.  His legs categorically refused to hold him up.

"What was that noise?  Are you dead, Remus?"

"Yes, I passed away several hours ago," he tried to say, but only the first word came out and it sounded like the Bullfrog word for 'mayfly.'  This seemed patently unfair, because Remus was hopeless at Bullfrog in his normal state.

"I'm coming in, Remus," she yelled and before Remus could even consider moving, she did.

"Well," Rohanna said.  "Now I know why you weren't at lunch."

"I locked the door," Remus said, with some effort.

Rohanna snorted.  "You couldn't cast a spell to keep out a gnat right now.  So do you tell me what's wrong, or do I drag you up to the hospital wing and have Madame Pomfrey do it?"

Needless to say, Remus's reasoning powers were not at their peak.  "I have epilepsy," he said.

"Oh, wow," she said in the voice you use when someone you barely know has died.  "I had no idea."

"I don't advertise it," he said.

"I imagine not."  At last Rohanna seemed to realize that Remus slept in nothing but his boxers.  "Should I not be here?"

"Technically no, you shouldn't," Remus said.  "But I'm not going to take off any more clothes, if that's what's worrying you.  Could you get that bottle on the desk?"

Rohanna went over to the desk.  "This one?"

"No, that's my ink.  The other one."

She brought it to him.  "What is it?"

"A potion Sirius made for me.  It helps."  It did; after he'd drunk it, Remus could stand again.  He began searching through his trunk for fresh clothes.

Rohanna sat down on Sirius's bed, smiling briefly at the sight of her curtains.  "How often do you, er –"

"It depends.  Sometimes I have three episodes in a couple days and sometimes I go months without one."  Remus was forced to admit to himself that he wasn't entirely stupid after all.  Convenient illness, epilepsy.  Particularly since he might need to have another episode the next day.

Luckily, Remus was able to take care of Sirius's potion that night as well, since the critical stage had not yet run its course.  Better, Rohanna let him sleep the next day, now that she thought he had a mysterious neurological condition.  Altogether things were working out nicely.

That was on Saturday, and Remus's birthday was on Wednesday.  Rohanna found out when an owl brought Sirius's present a day early, and she promptly left for Hogsmeade, "to buy you a present, of course.  Who's to say your other so-called friends are going to remember?"

But they did.  In addition to the flying quill from Sirius, Peter sent him a copy of L'Histoire de la Communauté des Sorciers Français¹ in translation (the French wizarding society had long fascinated him), and James sent him a box of fiery mints that promised to refill itself.  Adding the cost of owl post (only Peter owned an owl), Remus figured they were all feeling a bit guilty.

Remus had to go to Rohanna's room to get his present from her; she'd forgotten to buy any wrapping paper.  It was a gorgeous bronze box with runes inscribed around the sides.

" 'If you would open this box, whatever you touch will reveal itself to its owner,' " Remus read.

"Oh, is that what it says?  I thought it said 'opening this box with a touch will reveal yourself to its owner.'  But you'll help me study, right?"

Rohanna had also made him a birthday cake festooned with live butterflies, most of which had already flown away.  They chased the others off and ate the entire thing instead of going down to eat.  For dessert, they ate all of Remus's mints to see if the box really refilled itself.  It did.

They spent the rest of Easter break together laughing in the library, reading in the Ravenclaw common room and watching stars on the Astronomy tower.  It was the best ten consecutive days of Remus's life.  Then his friends returned and asked what he'd been doing over break.

"Rohanna Lynch?" James said, frowning.  "You know, her entire family is nuts about Quidditch and Jacobson said she is the worst player he's ever seen."

"Does she like you?" Sirius said.  "Or is she just after – you know.  Your reputation."

"Her brother's in Slytherin," Peter said.  "He hangs around with Bagman and that crowd."

So if Remus spent more time in Ravenclaw's common room than Gryffindor's, it was no great surprise.  But in the opinion of his friends, it was outright treason to sit with her in the Ravenclaw stands during the Quidditch final.

"I mean, we're not exactly playing them," James said.  "But if they get over two hundred twenty points, they've got the Cup."

"I think he's jealous," Peter said.  "He really wanted to be on the team."

"I remember second year," James said, "when you told him he wasn't allowed on the team."  He rolled his eyes eloquently.  "Good golly."

"If I was in Ravenclaw, would you go sit with me?" Lily asked James, who had his arm around her shoulders.

James grinned.  "Only if my friends didn't like you."

Peter snickered on cue.  Sirius leaped up, the better to boo the Slytherin team, who had just marched onto the field.

"Sit yourself down," James said, yanking on Sirius's cloak.  "They're forty points behind Ravenclaw."

"I know, but I just can't stand looking at them," Sirius said.  "It's nothing personal."

"I can't believe him," Peter said, craning for another look as if he couldn't.  "You just don't do that to Gryffindor."

"Remus isn't the first person in Hogwarts history to have a girlfriend from another house," Sirius pointed out.  "It's hardly treason."

"What, you aren't ragging on Remus?" said James.  "I thought that was your new favorite hobby."

Sirius flushed.  "I thought we agreed that was a rotten judgment on my part."

"I don't notice you apologizing to him," James said.  "He seems to have noticed, too.  I mean, he goes six and a half years without looking at a girl and all of a sudden he has this gorgeous Ravenclaw girlfriend –"

"James!" said Lily reprovingly.

"I'm sorry, sweet, but I can't insult her even though I happen to think you're gorgeouser."

"How precious," Sirius said.  "James seems to have realized just in time that other people's feelings matter."

"You aren't exactly qualified to judge, though, are you?" Lily said.

Sirius flushed again, and this time kept his mouth shut.

"Well, there they go," James said.  "Let's hope one of them catches the Snitch in the next five minutes."

"They're not stupid," Sirius said.  "Ravenclaw at least.  I bet they try to drag this game out all night so they can have a chance at the Cup."

"If it comes down to that, Ravenclaw would rather we won, but Slytherin would rather Ravenclaw won," James said.  "So it's a bit of a stalemate."

"Either way, the Seekers won't be doing much for a while, then once either of them gets enough goals, it'll be all-out from then on," Sirius said.  "Gentlemen, this is going to be a tough one.  And lady."

He was right.  Ravenclaw and Slytherin were very well matched, and it took a full three hours for Ravenclaw to score seven goals and Slytherin six.  The Ravenclaw stands were in an uproar; if they captured the Snitch now, they would have exactly the same number of points as Gryffindor.  The only two who weren't screaming themselves hoarse were Remus and Rohanna.  Through Sirius's Omnioculars, they appeared to be deep in talk and oblivious to their surroundings.  They might have been discussing runes in the library.

"She's probably giving him the life histories of everyone on the field," Sirius said irritably, zooming in to see if he could read their lips.  Just then the entire stadium erupted in a colossal roar and James howled, "Jacobson got the Snitch – and we're tied with Ravenclaw!"

"Oh hell," Sirius said.  "I can't believe I missed it."

The Ravenclaw and Slytherin teams touched down, Sander Jacobson still clutching the Snitch, and the stands slowly quieted as Dumbledore got up to address them.

"For only the third time in Hogwarts history, two teams have earned the same amount of points at the end of the tournament."  Dumbledore waited, smiling benevolently, for the fresh cheers to die down.  "The first time this happened, there was really only room for one name on the Cup, so the two teams simply played until another goal was scored.  This proved controversial, not least because the entire school wanted to see an extra game of Quidditch.  Therefore, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw will play one more game for the Quidditch Cup.  It will take place in four weeks' time so that the Gryffindor team can train properly for the match.  And may the best team win."

"Did you hear that?" James roared.  "Sirius, we're going to play again!"

"Oh my God," Sirius said, and he was actually crying there in the middle of the entire school.  "This is absolutely the best day of my life."  He pulled out his handkerchief and dabbed his eyes with it, just as Remus barreled up to him yelling, "Sirius, you're going to play again, aren't you excited?"

Sirius blotted his glasses dry with trembling hands.  "You have no idea," he said.

* * *

It was Tuesday night and, for Lily and her friends, that was synonymous with spill-your-guts night.  There were no secrets in the Gryffindor seventh-year girls' dorm; living there meant sharing not only space, but also ink, lip gloss, the contents of your diary and the object of your moonstruck daydreams.  Ever since Lily had begun going out with James, her turn usually took most of the evening because everyone enjoyed hearing about James (except for Kate, who was crazy in love with Remus.  No one had had the heart to tell her that he spent every day with Rohanna Lynch and, rumor had it, most of the nights as well.)

"So what's the latest with James?" asked Sibyl keenly – the last shred of her professional detachment had long since vanished.

"Oh, you haven't heard?" Lily said irritably.  The pressure of such a high-profile romance was finally starting to get to her.  Admittedly it was unnerving to discover what James thought by overhearing it in the bathroom from a bunch of third-years she didn't know, which half the time was a lie anyway.  This was Lily's first serious relationship, but somehow she thought they should be more spending time with someone you loved and less time tracking down herds of wild rumors.  So Lily thought she'd better set the record straight here, at least. 

"Well, we got in a fight," she said, looking down at her hands.

"Yeah, we know, let's have the dirt," Sibyl ordered, settling into a more comfortable position.

"Er," Lily said.  She'd just realized that it involved Remus, and Remus's having a girlfriend, and that if she mentioned it Kate would probably kill herself.  "I'm about to have a mental breakdown, would you rather talk about that?"

"I don't know," Samantha said.  "Does it involve James?"

"Naturally.  I mean, in case you hadn't noticed, James is pretty much my life these days.  That and trying not to fail Arithmancy, which now I think about it is probably because James is my life."

"I did notice there seems to be one less of us lately," Aileen said.  "But I guess I thought that was because Kate is stalking Remus."

"That's just it," Kate said.  "I can't stalk him, because I can't find him.  He's never in the common room anymore."  She sighed profoundly.  "I mean, I do see him in class, but there's still the rest of the day to fill up."

"Which must be why you're about to fail," Lily said.

"Oh, poor Kate," Aileen said, putting an arm around her.  "Men are such jerks, aren't they."

"Why is it that I'm the only one around here who isn't obsessed with a boy?" Sibyl said.  "I mean, Lily has James, Kate has Remus –"

Kate gave her a tremulous smile.  "Do you really think so?"

" – Aileen has Severus –"

"Excuse me," Aileen said icily.  "He's a whiz in Potions, that is the one and only reason I borrow notes from him."

"Sirius is better," Sibyl said.  "Plus he's on the Quidditch team, and Severus flies like an elephant."

"Malicious little sprite, aren't you," Aileen snapped.

"But you're not obsessed with Sirius," Lily said.  "That's the important thing."

Sibyl flushed.  "It's not my fault I have a weakness for curly hair."

"I'm not obsessed with anyone," Samantha offered.

"Peter's still free," Lily said irritably, just as one of the school owls fluttered in the window and dropped a note in her lap.

"Ooh, read it!" everyone demanded, crowding around for a look.

"If you don't mind," Lily snapped, "I would like to read my own mail first, by myself."

She stomped out of the room and locked the door from the outside with a good strong charm.  No one was in the hallway, so Lily simply sat down on the floor to read her letter.  It said, 'Lily, I love you, please don't ignore me any longer.'  It was not signed.

Lily promptly melted.  "How adorable," she sighed to herself.  "James is such a treasure.  I can't believe I got mad at him just because he thinks I'm jealous of Rohanna because her boyfriend is sweet and thoughtful and even-tempered."

Lily quickly burnt the letter with a spell, just to be sure her nosy roommates couldn't get their hands on it, and ran down to the common room.

James was sitting with Sirius in front of the fire, and they were arguing over a piece of paper.  Both of them were wearing their Quidditch robes and James's unkempt hair was even more so than usual.

"James, thank you for…" Lily began and trailed off as they both turned to face her with identical looks of irritation.

"Thank you for what?" James said.  "Look, this'll have to wait until I can convince Sirius what an imbecile he is, then you can tell me what your spy network said about me today.  Okay?"

"So… you didn't just send me a note?" Lily said timidly.

"You just got a note?"  James dropped his paper, looking thunderous.  "What'd it say?"

Lily hesitantly quoted it for him.

"Let me see it," James said, striding toward the girls' staircase.  "Was it signed?"

"No, but – I burned it.  I didn't want the girls to see it."

James whirled around.  "You burned it?  What kind of idiot torches the evidence?"

"I didn't know!" Lily wailed.  "I'm sorry, okay?  Why do you have to be so hateful about it?"

"Don't make a scene," James snapped.  "The entire school's going to be talking.  And don't tell your posse, they're worse."  He stamped off in the direction of the boys' dormitories.

Lily turned to Sirius, who was still sitting on the couch watching her.  She was quivering and her mythical eyes were awash with tears.  "I'm so horrible," she whispered just before she broke down entirely.

Sirius guided her over to the couch and let her sob into his Quidditch robes, thinking uncomfortably about the last time he'd consoled a sobbing Lily and the rumors that were likely to result this time.  Sirius's life was difficult enough without him becoming enmeshed in a fictional love triangle.  If it was indeed fictional, which thought made Sirius very squirmy.  He patted Lily's head ineffectually and wished he were still out on the Quidditch field being bawled out by James.

After a while Lily released him.  Her eyes were still streaming, but she was smiling.  "Thank you, Sirius."

He didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd probably just made his own personal hell a few degrees hotter.  "You're welcome."

Lily wiped her eyes on Sirius's scarf, which he had just succeeded in removing a jelly stain from two days previously.  "I have to go talk to James now."

"Okay."

Lily tried on another smile, one that didn't look quite as miserable, and marched off to the boys' dormitories.  Watching her go, Sirius ceased to wonder why the Sorting Hat had chosen as it had.  Even the serpentine, grubbing Snape was company preferable to James at a time like this.  A snake was, after all, more easily squashed than a lion. 

* * *

What with schoolwork, and Quidditch practices that lasted well into the night, and Sirius's maniacal work schedule, and dramatic interludes featuring Lily and James, and never really seeing Remus except for meals and bedtime, the days just whizzed by.  Until one fine morning, about two weeks before the final Quidditch final, Sirius came in to breakfast fifteen minutes late and dumbfounded the entire school.

Not that his lateness was so unusual.  Actually, it would have been more surprising if he'd arrived on time.  No, what had every single person in the hall gawping at him was the fact that he was a different Sirius altogether.  This was the upgraded, enhanced, fatally sexy version of Sirius Black.  He was the "after" photograph, he was the fashion industry, he was everyone's impossible ideal in the living flesh.  Naturally, no one could stop staring.

"Sorry I'm late," Sirius said, taking his seat and loading his plate with pancakes.  "But I had this dream about a basketful of frogs and –"  He broke off.  "What's everyone staring for?  You didn't transfigure my tie again, did you?"

"No," James said.  He looked tired but triumphant.  "I put the appearance-altering spells on you last night after you fell asleep.  It took until four o'clock but boy, was it worth it."

"Oh no."  Sirius paled.  "You weren't joking about giving me those nasty green sores, then?"

"Relax," Remus said acidly.  "You're perfect."

"Then what're they all looking at?"

"Think about it, Sirius.  You just dethroned me as Hogwarts' resident sex god."

Sirius stared.  "But I –"

"Isn't that what you wanted?" said Remus and there was an ironic twist to his smile.  "You want to be careful what you wish for, because it has a way of turning around and smacking you in the face."

"Sirius," said Lily, who was sitting next to James, "don't worry.  You look fabulous."

"I, er –"  Sirius went very red, which only made him look more fantastic.  "Thanks, but it's all down to James."

"If I do say so myself," James said, "I did a damn good job."

"Could you do me next?" Peter asked.

Farther down the table, Sibyl said dramatically, "I think I might be going to die."  She pretended to swoon into her pumpkin juice.

It was the same the rest of that day.  All the girls went giggly whenever they looked at Sirius, which was often.  All the boys asked, in tones ranging from curious to outright jealous, how he'd done it.  And everyone wanted James to make him into an underwear model too.

"If I tried to fix everyone up," James would say, "I'd die of sleep deprivation halfway through, and the rest of you would be really hacked off about it, now, wouldn't you?  I thought so."

After class, Remus went to the library to meet Rohanna.  He thought she might have something to say besides Sirius, but he was wrong.

"So what happened to Sirius?" she said.  "Absolutely everyone's talking about him."

"Well, he should be happy, because that's what he wanted.  To be everyone's favorite subject," Remus said dully.  "He got James to fix him up."

"But that's insanely advanced magic," said Rohanna.  "Most wizards and witches could never do it."

"James spends his free time doing things that everyone says are impossible, and making them look easy," he said.  "But he does them for their own sake.  Not for Sirius's, and certainly not for mine."  He smiled bitterly at himself.  "Well, there is one good thing about all this," he added, perking up a bit.  "Now that everyone has Sirius to idolize, maybe they'll finally forget about me."

"You're an incurable optimist," Rohanna said.  "Also, if it helps, I happen to think you're cuter than Sirius even without extensive magical surgery."

"Wonderful," Remus said.  "It's nice to know I don't have to go under the wand to keep you around."

After supper Remus went back up to Gryffindor tower.  James, Lily and Peter were all around the fireplace, but Sirius was nowhere to be seen.  Remus continued up to the dorm and Sirius was sitting at the desk, his perfect chin on his perfect hand, looking out the window.

"I'll be off then," Remus said, stopping just inside the door.

"If you want," Sirius said in a small miserable voice.

"What's wrong, Sirius?  I thought you wanted to be me.  Isn't perfection everything you thought it'd be?" Remus said, not unkindly.

"Shut up," Sirius said wearily.  "Do me an immense favor and just shut up."

"I'll do you one better.  I'll just leave."  Remus came over to the desk.  "All I need is my book and the rune dictionary."

"This thing?"  Sirius turned toward Remus, handed him the book that Rohanna had given him.  For the first time that day, Remus really looked at Sirius (probably the only person in the school who hadn't already), and his old self was still there but more faithfully executed, as if another layer of stone had fallen away from the sculptor's chisel and revealed what was underneath.

"Go on, take a good long gawk," Sirius said.  "What do you think?  Aren't I a Greek god?  Only thing is, I don't have your smile.  It's not quite right, somehow."

"It's too perfect," Remus said.  "Mine's sort of lopsided."

"Smile," Sirius ordered.  Remus gave a rather convincing one.

"Damn," he said, sinking his face into his arms.  "Damn, you're right."  He didn't say anything else for a long time, so Remus picked up his dictionary and left.

He went to the roof, knowing that was the closest he could come to absolute privacy.  Everywhere else in Hogwarts was prone to be invaded by either your worst enemy or your longtime crush.  However, Remus was fairly safe from both of them, and it was a perfect night for rune translations.  The sky was so lucid that Remus, squinting, thought he could see infinity.  It was already May and the breeze dancing with the pages was no longer frigid, but merely cold.  May of his final year at Hogwarts, less than a month left here and the thought gave him delicious pain.  Remus turned his mind away and bent his head to the translation.

His wandlight was hardly enough, it was far too small for an entire page, but Remus resolved to translate the title at least before he gave up.  He'd forgotten his quill, so he used his wand to trace bright words beneath the runes.  When he was finished, he closed the dictionary and stared at the shimmering phrase until it scorched his eyes.  Then he pitched the miniature book into the darkness beyond.  He wanted nothing whatsoever to do with the journal of Salazar Slytherin.  The intimate journal of Salazar Slytherin.

* * *

Sirius was perfect.  But perfection always came at a price.  Sometime during the night Sirius contracted a moist pink rash all across his face and neck, which James swore up hill and down dale he had not caused.  Not with malicious intent anyhow.  Probably just a side effect, he said soothingly, maybe a potion would help?

None of them did.  One, in fact, turned his face a venomous purple and it took two hours to get it back to pink.  "All right," James said at last.  "Try this," and he handed Sirius a pink bottle full of viscous pink goop.

"What is this?"  Sirius sniffed at it suspiciously, but refrained from tasting it.  "Some kind of potion?"

"Actually it's calamine lotion," James said, sniggering.  "Muggle-made, you know, but it works a treat."

"Fine," Sirius said.  "I'm desperate."  So he globbed on the pink concoction, which he had to admit felt quite soothing on the rash.  Then it dried.

"Help," Sirius said, shaping his lips carefully.  "I can't move my face."

James thought this was simply hysterical.  He had not laughed so hard since Delmar the lizard had somehow gotten loose and reduced Sirius's pillow to its component feathers and strings of well-chewed cloth.  However, it was significantly less amusing the next day when Sirius's entire being centered on a set of tiny, irritating pink bumps.

In the morning, Sirius spent half an hour applying calamine lotion with a small sponge, and then realized that it had to dry before he could get dressed.  So for the second day in a row he was late to breakfast, only this time he was the target of whispered comments and stifled giggles.  During breakfast he polled half the Gryffindor table as to whether he looked weird.  No one could truthfully say yes or no; the most common response was, "Ah, Sirius, don't worry about it."

Of course that didn't stop it from occupying his every thought.  He spent an inordinate amount of time scrutinizing himself in every reflective surface available, including other people's glasses (he'd gleefully shattered his own in celebration of his new twenty-twenty vision).  And somehow every comment, every conversation became a discussion of that abominable itch.

Finally James said to Peter, "Tell me I'm not as narcissistic and self-centered as he is."

"Of course not," Peter said.  "You're worse."

James paled.  "From this day on, I'm a new man."

Their second class of the day was Care of Magical Creatures.  While Remus was in Ancient Runes, presumably decoding secrets of the ancient English peoples and flirting madly with Rohanna Lynch, James, Peter and Sirius were outside, sitting on the chill grass at the edge of the lake, listening to Professor Kettleburn's intensely dull lecture on the anatomy and culture of merpeople.

"It's May, for goodness' sake," Peter said, shivering violently as a lake breeze tugged at their cloaks.  "I thought it was supposed to be warm."

"Curses," said James.  "My ink's frozen over.  Ah well, I guess there won't be any dreary note-taking for me today."

Sirius was sitting right by the lake's edge, absently peeling flakes of calamine lotion off his neck and flicking them away.  The discarded flakes were forming a nauseatingly pink deposit on the water's surface.

James jabbed Sirius in the solar plexus.  "Would you stop that?" he hissed.  "It is so disgusting."

Sirius sent him a sulky look and peeled off a particularly long strip.  "You have no sympathy for the pain of your fellow human beings.  This is actually very therapeutic."  He flicked it so it landed right on top of the others.

"It's repulsive and boorish, is what it is."

Just then, a fish swam up and began nibbling at the pink mass.  Sirius and James watched, fascinated.  Within five minutes, all of it had disappeared, but the fish wasn't swimming away.

"Wonder if he's going to throw it up," James whispered, watching the vague shadowy form.  "Surely it won't look any worse than it did before."

"What did they put in that stuff?" Sirius whispered back, equally enthralled.  "D'you suppose it might kill him?"

"You put that junk on your skin," James pointed out.  "And fish are used to all sorts of nasty stuff.  I mean, think about it.  When you flush the toilet, where's all that end up?"

"Ye gods," Sirius said, looking revolted.  "I can't believe I actually drank that water."

"Look," James hissed, poking Sirius again.  The fish was now floating belly-up on the lake, quite apparently dead.

"Wow," Sirius breathed and immediately began trying to get hold of it.

"Sirius, what in the name of Godric are you doing?" James hissed.

Sirius's eyes were gleaming.  "Think of the fun we could have with this baby –"

"Gentlemen, what is going on?" snapped Professor Kettleburn.  He was a short, irascible old man with tufts of white hair sprouting around his ears and a scalp bald and speckled as a bird's egg.  He was also missing an arm and two fingers off the remaining hand, rumored to be the work of a maverick Hebridean Gray.  In point of fact he had a special antipathy for dragons of all kinds and spent the lessons on them detailing the evils they had perpetrated on wizardkind, which if you believed him were endless and unforgivable.

"And what is it that you find so much more fascinating than the skeletal structure of merpeople?" he added irritably.

Sirius turned his large dark eyes on him.  "I'm terribly sorry, Professor, but James here noticed this dead fish and I was only trying to get it for him."

Professor Kettleburn strode over to the water's edge and picked up the unfortunate fish by its tail.  He proceeded to use it as an example of the myriad ways a merperson's skeleton resembled that of a fish.  However, he didn't seem to notice that it was dripping watery pink gunk onto his shoe, which fact had Sirius and James in silent, painful fits of laughter.

The lesson on anatomy continued up till the end of the period, at which time they were dismissed to lunch and Professor Kettleburn flung the fish out into the middle of the lake, droplets of diluted calamine lotion trailing behind the carcass.

"Pity," Sirius said, clutching his aching stomach.  "Now we'll never get hold of the poor bastard.  And I had so much planned for him, too."

"Well, I have to say, that was the most enjoyable Care of Magical Creatures we've had in a long time," James said contentedly as they gathered their things and headed back up to the castle.

"Wasn't it?" Peter said rapturously.  "Merpeople are just so fascinating."