Chapter 10 – Smooth Criminals
On the morning of the tiebreaker Quidditch match, James and Sirius left a full forty-five minutes early for the traditional singing of the theme song and James's pre-game pep talk. He had his secret copy of the theme song in his hand, absently strangling it as half of Gryffindor house came up to wish him luck.
Finally James said, "We really have to go now, else we'll never get all the verses in. You did learn the twelfth verse, didn't you, Sirius?" Lily hugged James for good luck and Sirius because she liked watching him blush. When the team had gone she and Peter sat down in the armchairs by the fire to wait for game time. Just then Remus came running out of the boys' hallway and over to where Lily and Peter were sitting. He was wearing a marvelous cloak the color of a storm cloud.
"Listen," he said, "I have to go see Rohanna, but I want to sit with you guys in the stands. If I'm not back when you leave, save me a seat, okay?"
He grinned at them and left the common room at a run, and a horrid thought occurred to Lily – she was jealous of Rohanna Lynch.
There were plenty of reasons to be jealous of her. For one thing, she would have been the most brilliant student in their year if not for James and Sirius, and the only class Lily had ever really done well in was Charms. Rohanna wore robes that made Lily think of butterfly wings, while her own robes were standard-issue cotton and none too new either. Rohanna's long dark hair was smooth and straight even in the midst of a deluge, while Lily's frizzed if there was so much as a glass of water nearby. But the main thing, of course, was her boyfriend.
The thought had been creeping up on Lily for some time that James was not quite as gentlemanly and devoted as a girl could wish for. But she had not consciously realized, until Remus had come in gloriously tousled and breathless, how it really was. She simply could not stand Rohanna Lynch. And having once realized it, the truth seemed more and more apparent.
She had always hated Rohanna Lynch. There had not been a time when she had not hated Rohanna Lynch. Even at the last Quidditch game, the way she'd been talking to Remus as if he had no more interest in Quidditch than she. Lily had hated Rohanna then too, and she wondered how it had taken her so long to realize it.
Remus returned. His cloak was not fastened properly. Had it been that way before? Lily couldn't remember.
"We'd better go," he said. "That is, if we want decent seats."
They went out of the common room, out the front doors, down the grassy slope toward the Quidditch pitch. Remus and Peter were discussing tactics, most of it incomprehensible to Lily, so she ignored them and centered herself on her shining revelation – she hated Rohanna Lynch.
They found seats. Lily was in between Remus and Peter. Everyone around them was screaming as the Gryffindor Quidditch team shot out onto the field one by one, that was the love of her life down there shaking hands with Sander Jacobson and Lily was thinking smugly, I really do. I hate that Lynch girl with every particle of my being.
"Lily, are you okay?" The teams were mounting their broomsticks and Remus was tugging on her sleeve. "You look kind of pale."
"I'm okay," she said. Of course she was okay. Her boyfriend had the Quaffle and she finally understood.
"There he goes," Lily yelled into Remus's ear. "Isn't he wonderful? There's Sirius, you can tell by that ratty hair. You know, I don't think he ever combs it."
"Once a week and special occasions," Remus said.
Gryffindor's Chasers were superb. Within an hour they had scored ten goals to Ravenclaw's two. Sirius had just scored another goal, yelling his delight to the stands and the girls from every single house were yelling right back at him. And Jacobson the Ravenclaw Seeker dove.
The Snitch was shimmering down near the foot of the Ravenclaw goal posts. Abelman was blazing across the field, but he was too far away to catch up – and the Ravenclaws screamed and screamed.
"We lost," Lily said. She was clutching Remus's sleeve. "We lost," as the Quidditch Cup turned the air golden and the Ravenclaws roared.
"James and Sirius did great though – oh, Lily, don't cry –" Remus was entirely too considerate, so he pulled her closer and let her cry into his new cloak while he watched the Ravenclaw team as they, too, cried.
"Come on, Lily," he said at last. "Come on, we've got to go – James and Sirius –"
Lily let him go and followed the boys out of the stands, the knowledge still burning inside her – I hate Rohanna Lynch, and everything about her.
"Damn," James said. His face was set and he looked about to cry. "Damn. I don't believe it."
"Oh, James." Lily put her hands on his shoulders and kissed him. "James, you did fabulous."
"I shouldn't have done that," Sirius said. "If only I'd –"
"You did all you could," Remus said harshly. "You aren't the Seeker."
"Dammit, woman, get off me!" James roared. He twisted away from her and stomped off to the broomshed.
Lily watched him go. I hate Rohanna Lynch, she thought mistily. It would have been easy to cry, but she knew, suddenly, the time for that was over. She set her chin and went after him.
"There goes the bravest woman God ever made," Sirius said. "I tell you, I do not envy her James one bit."
And I do not envy James her, Remus did not say. He only looked pensively after her, and Sirius at him, and Peter at both of them.
"Let's get out of here," Remus said at last. "I've had enough."
"What?" Sirius said. "Hiding from your Ravenclaw girlfriend? But no. Any girlfriend of yours would be far too considerate –"
"For your information," Remus said, turning around and starting back to the castle, "Rohanna and I decided that no matter who won, we probably wouldn't want to see each other for a while. At least until tomorrow."
"That so?" Sirius said. "Does that mean you're going to spend the day with us? Sort of a consolation prize for the losers. Well, if we can't have the Cup, at least we've still got you. Listen, I'll even show you around, seeing as how you've probably forgotten where everything is –"
Remus whirled around. "Congratulations," he said in a poison voice. "You've found another way to get me mad – just tell me I don't care."
Peter had a sudden, fatally funny thought. Remus really did look like a storm cloud, with the eyes and the cloak and all. He stifled a traitorous giggle.
"Damn you, Sirius, I do," Remus said. He was shaking but his eyes were frozen.
"Act like it then," Sirius said. "Don't run away. A Gryffindor wouldn't."
"You don't know jackshit about who Gryffindor was, or what he would have done," Remus said. "So don't even presume to tell me."
Sirius looked at Remus. He couldn't remember when it had happened, but the Remus he knew was gone and here was this stranger made of stone.
"Go to hell," he said. And walked away.
Peter began to giggle helplessly. "Remus, I know you're going to kill me for this, but do you have any idea how much you look like a thundercloud?"
Remus looked at Peter, this paralyzed giggling boy, and hated him for it. And wondered, too, when that had happened.
"You can come with me to hell," he said, "for all I care."
* * *
Lily knocked timidly on the door of James's dorm.
"Who's there?" James demanded.
"The love of your life," she said.
"Could you be a little more specific?"
"James, please," Sirius said. "Do you really think the Quaffle is standing outside your door begging to be let in?"
"Don't mention that in front of me," James said irritably. "Go let her in, willya?"
"Can't you get your own lazy bum up?" Sirius grouched. "You overweight son of a swine."
Apparently he couldn't; Sirius opened the door for Lily. "Come on in, flower," he said, smirking.
"Sirius, please." James was lying on his bed feeding Delmar Fudge Flies and eating two for every one he gave the lizard. "I know you and Lily are having a mad affair, but it's not really in good taste to carry it on in front of me."
Sirius opened his mouth to say something and decided it wasn't witty enough.
"So where's the other half?" Lily said.
James replied, "Well, Pete's out hunting seedlings –"
"And as for that hellhound," Sirius interrupted, "he's off screwing his girlfriend for all I care."
"Sirius!" Lily said reproachfully. "Remus would never do something like that and you know it."
Sirius hmphed in a way that expressed his severe reservations on the subject.
"So," Lily said, trying for a safer topic, "what are you two up to?"
"Waiting for you," James said.
"Leaving," Sirius said. "I know when I'm not wanted. If you two could please not fling any clothes on my bed, I would very much appreciate it, thanks." He slammed the door so hard that Delmar's cage rattled.
"What's with him?" Lily asked. "And since when does he hate Remus so much?"
"He's jealous," James said knowledgeably. "I mean, he's the second most attractive guy in school and he's the only one of us not getting any action. Well, except for Pete, but he doesn't really count."
"Who's the first?" Lily said timidly.
"Do you even have to ask?" James smirked. "Come sit over here with me, babe."
She did.
"These Fudge Flies are damn tasty," he said, crunching away. "Want one?"
"James, people with fly wings stuck between their front teeth are not about to get any," Lily said, crossing her arms.
"Really?" James jumped up. "How embarrassing." He went over to the mirror for a better view.
"What you need," Lily said irritably, "is a Toothflossing Stringmint. Closely followed by one of those mints you gave Remus."
"Toothflossing Stringmints are for wallies," James said. "But the mints I can do." He went over to Remus's trunk and started pawing through it in search of the mints. Suddenly he stopped digging, and stood still for so long that Lily became curious.
"What'd you find?" she said.
"Damned if I know."
He showed it to her. It was a small book, about the size of a postcard, its title written in runes.
"Well, I can't read it," Lily said. "I'm assuming he can."
"I'll ask him about it when he gets back," James said. "Probably something he's reading for that idiot class of his. Mint?"
"No thanks," Lily said. "I don't want to take Remus's stuff."
James rolled his eyes. "It refills itself, for crying out loud, what's the harm?"
They settled back down on the bed, Delmar as their self-appointed chaperone sitting on Lily's shoulder.
"You know," Lily said, "I don't think I'm technically supposed to be in here."
"Yeah? Who says?"
Lily frowned. "I don't know. I'm sure it's in the school rules somewhere, though."
"That's a laugh," James said. "I suspect most of our so-called rules are just made up. We hardly ever get in trouble for breaking them, do we?"
"I bet it is in the rulebook," Lily said mutinously.
"You bet, huh?" James was suddenly much more interested. "How much?"
"Oh," she said. "Well, if I'm right, how about I get to make you do something stupid."
"Yeah, and if I'm right –" James grinned ferally.
"Nothing immoral," Lily said firmly.
James's face fell. "What, no strip poker?"
"Well, nothing terribly immoral," she said. "Are we agreed, then?"
They shook on it. Then they went down to consult Hogwarts' rule book.
It was kept in a tiny room off the entrance hall, almost too tiny to fit James and Lily and the book, which itself was half as large as one of them and probably near as heavy. Judging by the undisturbed rolls of dust on every surface, no one had been in here since Hogwarts was built.
"There had better the hell be a table of contents," James said, coughing loudly. "Whose idiot idea was this in the first place?"
Lily ignored him and opened the book. The title page was incomprehensible. The only part either of them recognized was the signatures of the founders.
"Boy, Godric had really awful handwriting," James said, leaning down for a closer look. "And hey, Helga couldn't write at all! She just signed an X." James sneered. "The Hufflepuff tradition of academic excellence begins."
"It's in Old English," Lily said. "We're never going to be able to read it."
"Well, slap me silly," James said. "The girl's right. So what now?"
"Remus could read it."
"True," said James. "But we don't know where he is, and even if we could drag him off Rohanna, this room wasn't exactly built for three."
"What about a translation spell?"
"That'd be perfect," James said. "However, that requires knowing a word in Old English, and you know, nothing really comes to mind."
"Marvelous," Lily said. "Five billion rules and only five people in the entire school can read them."
They stared at the title in silence for a while, trying to figure out which one of the words said "Hogwarts."
"Listen," James said at last. "I've got an idea. Let's forget about this entire idiot thing and go back up to the dormitory so we can snog for a while before somebody bursts in on us."
"Well, okay," Lily said. "But only if you put the lizard back in its cage."
"Yeah, all right."
"And get rid of the Fudge Flies," she added. "Those things are positively sickening."
"Yes, darling." James wondered if this was what marriage would be like, once the honeymoon was over. Why was it called a honeymoon? James didn't know. Probably, he surmised grimly, it was the month during which you still called each other "honey."
They had the room to themselves for a record twenty-eight minutes before Sirius burst in with his robes on fire.
* * *
Sirius was sitting in his workroom, staring at a piece of parchment. On it was the recipe for the Wolfsbane Potion, which if it worked properly would, while not preventing the werewolf's transformation entirely, at least render it harmless. He had actually finished it three weeks earlier, when he still thought Remus hated him. He still didn't know whether Remus hated him, but it hardly mattered because now he hated Remus.
But Sirius hated to do it. He had after all spent six months digging up herbs, staining his fingers, melting his cauldrons and giving up his evenings for it, and all he had to show for it was this one rather scruffy bit of parchment. Which Sirius then burned.
When it was finally gone, he gathered up all his instruments, his ingredients, cauldron, gloves, goggles and notes, and carried them all out, locking the door behind him. He was through trying to save the world with his cauldron.
Sirius brought all his things back up to the dormitory, intending to lock them away in his armoire. James, Lily and Peter were already there, involved in a heated debate.
"Sirius," James said. "I was just about to come get you. Read this if you would and give us your opinion."
Sirius took the piece of parchment James handed him and read it over. It said, "Lily, I love you madly and have for ages, please tell me if you feel the same. Yours, RJL."
Sirius looked up at them. "Any idea what his middle name is?"
"I told you," James said to Lily. "It has to be Remus."
"But he doesn't give a shit about me," she said.
"Actually –" Sirius thought his voice sounded different, or maybe that was his heart beating. Everyone was staring at him. "Remus told me he liked you."
"When?" James looked murderous.
"Ages ago, I think maybe in November…"
" 'I love you madly and have for ages,' " James repeated. "What more proof could you possibly need?"
"I told you, Rohanna has the exact same initials," Lily said. "She could have written these and signed them like that to make us think it was Remus."
"There's one way to find out," James said. "Sirius, go get Remus."
"Why me?" he demanded.
"Because I said. Just do it, okay?"
Sirius grumbled a bit, but he went.
First he tried the library. They were nowhere to be found. Then he went to the Astronomy tower; no luck there either. Sirius went back to the library, bribed a Ravenclaw first year to tell him the password, and went to the Ravenclaw common room. Remus was indeed there, sitting on a couch with Rohanna, and the entire common room went silent at the entrance of Sexy Sirius Black.
"James wants to see you," he said shortly.
Remus, an angry flush rising in his face, said something to Rohanna and followed Sirius out of the common room. They went the whole way up to Gryffindor like that, Remus about half a dozen paces behind Sirius, naturally neither of them speaking.
Remus entered the dormitory looking (there was no other word for it) regal. His color was still high and he seemed suddenly armored, beyond their power to hurt him. "What is it?" he said.
James walked up to him, handed him the parchment. "Read this."
Remus looked it over, then lifted up his head and said, "I can tell you right now I did not write this."
"Then who did?" James demanded. "If not you."
"Sorry, I can't really help you there," he said.
"Do you love Lily?"
Remus drew in his breath and looked at Lily. Her eloquent eyes wanted something from him. What, he didn't know. "I used to," he said, without looking away. "Then she found out what I am – well, actually I told her – and that changed everything."
"That's not true," Lily said. "I think just as much of you as I ever have."
"You as good as admitted to me it changed things," he said coldly. "You apologized to me for it, or don't you remember?"
Lily's face closed. "Of course I do," she said. "It changed things for me, I'll admit that, but I can't see what it changed for you."
"I realized that I would never in all my life be good enough for you," Remus said. "That's all."
"That doesn't prove anything," Sirius said harshly, because he saw that James wasn't about to; he seemed temporarily speechless. "How about you tell us your middle name instead."
"I don't have one," he said evenly.
"You don't have one," Sirius said. "How can you not have a middle name?"
"Some people don't," Remus said. "I'm one of them, or rather became one when I changed my name. Please don't tell me you've forgotten about that already."
Sirius looked ready to snap, but Peter interrupted, "What was your name before?"
Remus looked at him dispassionately, trying to decide whether to answer. At last he said, "Charles Alexander Cagley. The third."
Peter started to giggle, but he was the only one.
"What's Rohanna's middle name?" Sirius demanded.
Remus drew a quick sharp breath. "Jane," he said.
"I told you," Lily said triumphantly. "I knew that bitch was behind it somehow."
"Don't you dare call her that," Remus said and there was something in his voice that made Lily drop her wonderful eyes.
"But I suppose that's not her handwriting," Sirius said. "Is it?"
Remus scanned the sheet again. "No, of course not."
Sirius snatched it from his hands and looked it over. "It seems to me," he said, "as if this is Remus's handwriting attempting not to look like Remus's handwriting, and none too well in my opinion."
"And if I was lusting after Lily," Remus said bitingly, "don't you think I would have found a slightly less amateurish way to tell her? I personally think, for what it's worth to you, that someone did this trying to turn us against each other."
"And why would they have to do that?" Sirius yelled back. "You already did, and I have to say it was a fantastic job."
"I did it?" Remus said, shaking with rage. "If I left it was because you made it pretty damn clear you didn't want me around."
"If Remus is right," James said quietly, and Sirius and Remus both jumped, "it's working to perfection."
Sirius glared, but there was nothing really to say.
"So here's what I think," James continued. "Remus says he doesn't love Lily. He says he didn't write the note. Okay, but all of that hinges on one assumption, which is that Remus is telling the truth. And lucky us, we have ways to find out if he is or not."
"James –" began Sirius.
"Let me finish. The Veritas curse would work, but I think it's safe to say that none of us could do it, or would. And there's Veritaserum."
"I can't make it," Sirius said. "I mean, I might be able to brew it, but getting hold of the ingredients is near impossible, and buying it ready-made's worse."
"I'm not suggesting that," James said. He was grinning. "We're going to steal it. Out of Dumbledore's office, in fact."
"You're mad," Sirius said flatly.
"I know, but there's no other choice," James said. "Either we try this or we never find out."
"Or both of the above," Sirius said irritably, "if we get caught. And believe me, we are going to get caught. Without the map and your cloak, we haven't got a chance."
"Couldn't we just ask Dumbledore for it?" Peter said. But this was so patently stupid that everyone, by tacit consent, ignored him.
"Sirius," said James, "we have to at least try."
"We?"
"You and I."
"Why?" Sirius said. "For him?" jerking his head at Remus.
"Yes, for him," James said. "On the off chance that he is, indeed, telling the truth."
"I won't do it for him," Sirius said. "But I'll do it for you."
"Good enough," James said. "And Remus, I hope for your sake you're telling the truth, because if I find out I'm putting myself on the guillotine for a traitor, I will make sure you writhe in torment for the rest of your days."
"I'm not too worried," Remus said.
* * *
The heist took place on the last day of May, a miserable end to a miserable month. It had been raining all day and it showed no signs of relenting, even at ten o'clock that night when Sirius left the common room. (He had insisted upon doing the job himself because, he'd said, "You're Head Boy. I'm expendable.") It was a Sunday night, and the corridors were empty but for the sound of the ceaseless drumming rain. In altogether too short a time, Sirius reached the statue of the gargoyle. Its arm had been repaired, but with a different color of stone, so that it looked as though it was wearing one elbow-length glove.
"Sunfish," Sirius said. The gargoyle jumped aside and he mounted the stairs to the door of Dumbledore's office. He pressed his ear against the wood, but all he could hear was the incessant rain beat. Sirius stood back and sent a gust of sparks at the door, which sighed open.
And someone was already there.
"Filch?" said Sirius in astonishment, squinting into the murky room. He lit his wand just in time to see Filch, hunched over Dumbledore's desk, jerk convulsively upright.
"That's Mister Filch to you," he snapped, fumbling something into his jacket pocket as he spoke.
"Is that a phoenix feather?" Sirius asked interestedly. "Valuable, those are."
"Shut your mouth," Filch snapped. "You happen yourself to be breaking eight school rules this very moment –"
Just then, Fawkes began to sing, but it was not his usual heart-swelling song. It was more like a smoke alarm trying to sing an aria. Within thirty seconds Dumbledore had entered the room, clad in a bathrobe and an absurd striped nightcap.
"Midnight visitors!" he said, looking delighted. "May I ask which of my possessions proved irresistible this time, Argus?"
"Your phoenix feather quill," Filch said. "Sir." Reluctantly he handed it back to Dumbledore.
"An excellent choice," Dumbledore said. "Is the medicine helping at all?"
"Some," Filch said. "I only stole three things this week, sir."
"Marvelous. You may go now." Filch shuffled out of the room, casting a look of intense longing toward Dumbledore's whirling silver gadgets, and Dumbledore turned his attention to Sirius.
"And what are you after, Mister Black?"
"Veritaserum," he said. "Sir."
"The truth," Dumbledore said. "An even better choice. You might, however, have asked first."
"Would you have given me any?"
"No," Dumbledore said, abysmally cheerful.
"I thought not."
"If you'll permit me to ask, what is it that you need to know so badly?"
Sirius looked at Dumbledore and decided to try the truth. "Whether Remus likes Lily or not," he said.
"My dear boy," Dumbledore said, "any Slytherin first year could tell you whom Mister Lupin spends his time with, and it is not Miss Evans."
"Unfortunately," Sirius said, "it's not that simple."
"It rarely is," Dumbledore said. "I must admit I would love to hear the story, but I don't think you're going to tell me."
"It isn't really mine to tell."
"Ah," Dumbledore said. "Well, in that case –"
"Sir," interrupted Sirius, "will you sell me the Veritaserum? I have a hundred eighty Galleons in my trunk."
"I can't," Dumbledore said. "For two reasons. First, and I'm sure you'll understand, possession of Veritaserum is closely regulated by the Ministry of Magic, and Azkaban would most definitely not be to your taste."
"Have you been there?" Sirius wanted to know.
"Yes," Dumbledore said shortly. "Second, if I sold you the Veritaserum, I wouldn't have any, and that is rather the point of my keeping it here."
"But –"
"I suggest," Dumbledore said, "that you return to bed, before it occurs to me that Mister Filch was wrong, and that you are, in fact, breaking twelve school rules."
"Sleep well, Professor," said Sirius, and left. It was still raining.
Back in the common room, James was waiting up for him. When he saw Sirius enter empty-handed, his face fell.
"Damn it," he said. "So what d'you have to do?"
"Nothing." Sirius sat dejectedly on the arm of a chair. "Which is also how much I got. Dumbledore wouldn't even sell it to me."
"Gee golly," James said. "You'd think he'd be glad for a few extra Galleons. His pay must be miserable."
"I did learn something, though," Sirius said, brightening. "Apparently Filch is a kleptomaniac."
"No!" James said gleefully. "That's great news. I bet that was where my enchanted rubber snake got to second year."
"I kept telling you I didn't take it," Sirius said sulkily, "and you never believed me."
"Speaking of which –" James lowered his voice. "What about Remus?"
"What about him?" Sirius said. "As far as I'm concerned, he's guilty as Filch."
"We don't really have any proof of that," James pointed out.
"Besides the fact that it was signed with his initials, in his writing, and he told me he loved Lily when he had no reason to lie about it."
"All right," James said. "But how come you're so dead set against Remus? What happened to you two practically going out?"
Siruis thought about it and realized that he didn't really know. Sure, they'd said some nasty things to each other – well, what Remus said had been unforgivable. Only right now, Sirius couldn't remember what that had been. "He just happens to be a dirty lying tadpole, is all."
"Would this have anything to do with Rohanna?"
Sirius scowled. "I will admit that his seceding from Gryffindor didn't exactly endear him to me."
James didn't say anything, just sighed.
"Well, what do you think of him?" Sirius demanded. "Do you hate him?"
"I don't know."
"Do you think he wrote those letters?"
"I don't know," James snapped, "and I don't really want to know. All I want is for Lily to stay with me forever. So long as he doesn't mess that up, I don't care."
"Huh," Sirius said. "If only my life was so simple."
The next day it still had not stopped raining. The Care of Magical Creatures classes looked extremely miserable. James had a good laugh at their expense, but it wasn't that funny, and it was really the best thing that happened all day.
After class, Sirius and James were in their usual spot by the fire, doing not much of anything, when Peter came over, breathless, clutching a copy of the Daily Prophet. "Read this," he directed, shoving it at Sirius.
Bemused, Sirius took it and followed Peter's finger to an announcement crammed in at the end of a column. He glanced it over and went very red. "That bastard," he hissed, shoving the paper at James. He scanned the announcement, which read as follows:
Mr. Severus Snape yesterday became the youngest person ever to submit a potion to the Department for the Regulation of Experimental Magic. His Wolfsbane Potion, designed to render a werewolf harmless during the full moon, will be analyzed and tested to determine whether it is safe for use by the public.
"That potion is mine," Sirius raged. "Mine and that filthy crumb of lard is getting all the credit for it."
"You'll find that hard to prove," James said, rolling up the paper and returning it to Peter.
"Especially since I burnt my copy of the recipe," Sirius said morosely.
"I suppose you did it because you're mad at Remus," James said. "Well then I have to say that you deserve this."
The worst of it was Peter agreed with him.