The view from the Space Needle was breathtaking. New Orleans is flat. You spend your life about an inch above sea level, and if you do get an aerial view, it's all the Gulf and bayou for miles and miles. The highest I normally went was the second floor window in my office. Up here though, despite the graffiti, it was completely serene, and as I looked over the city unfolded below me, my soul knew a moment of calm. The calm I felt was as deceptive as the apparent serenity of the city below. It was all an illusion, I knew that, but not all illusions were bad to have.
"It's beautiful," I whispered. Max smiled. A light breeze had started blowing, bringing the scent of rain with it. It could pour, and I wouldn't have cared at that moment.
"It's my special place," she said in a low voice. I had a feeling she rarely spoke here at all. This was a place for contemplation, not conversation, but tonight that was going to have to change. Max glanced over at me. "I celebrate our anniversary up here," she told me. "I've always hoped that one year we could all be together and make a toast to freedom."
It would never happen though. Zack would never let us all be together, and even given the chance, I didn't think all of us would show. There had to be one or two that wanted nothing to do with the rest. As much as I had wanted to see Max, and the rest of them, they were a permanent reminder of a nightmare. The life I had made didn't include Manticore. There had to be a couple of us with families, maybe even kids. They didn't want anything that might drag them back there if only in their minds. I was having a hard time dealing with it myself. Zack had been such a constant that he didn't bother me. Ben was, well, Ben. I would never mind having Ben with me.
"Max…"I began, not wanting to have to tell her, but knowing that I needed to explain in any case. "I wish I could say this was just because I wanted to see you again, and I missed you." I added quickly, "Not that I didn't, but there's been some things that have happened, and I needed to find you and make sure everything was okay."
"Been a little hectic," Max said with a small smile and a shrug. "But I got it covered."
I was sure she probably could handle most anything. We were designed to adapt into any situation, but Max seemed comfortable in this life she was living now. I hoped this wouldn't disturb it too much. Sure. Right. Shouldn't be a problem at all for her. I took a deep breath.
"I had to come here," I began, "because of Ben."
Max suddenly stiffened, and even a norm could have seen the alarm in her face and body. "What about Ben?" she asked too quickly.
"He's killing people, and I think Seattle is his next stop," I blurted. How smooth. "Lydecker is looking for him too…" my words trailed off as I saw the tears flowing down her cheeks.
"Ben," she said softly, choking the words out. "He's gone Terran…he's dead."
I literally felt my entire body suddenly get encased in ice. I couldn't move; couldn't breathe. Ben was dead? My Ben? No…this was not happening. I was going to yell at him and then get him away from the other X-5's and yell at him some more and then we would go back to New Orleans and I would tell him about what happened with Lydecker and he would get a laugh out of it, and we would go somewhere safe and I would do a hunt or two with him like he always wanted and…and he was not dead.
"Oh God no," I whispered. The hurt in her face said more clearly than words that this wasn't a sick joke. He was gone. My beautiful Ben. Gone. He wasn't going to tease me about my lousy martinis again, and I wasn't going to tease him about his atrocious sense of decorating again. No more talking about where we had been. No more talking about where we were going. No more running into each other in random cities. Oh Ben, I knew you had planned it those last few times. You came looking for me when I took off for a week after that warning broadcast from Eyes Only, and we spent it playing in Houston. I wanted you there…why were we pretending so much?
"Lydecker?" I hissed, wanting to confirm what I knew had to be the truth. Ben had been careless and that bastard had gotten lucky. He was fucking dead. Ben was dead, he was going to be dead. He might be walking around right now, but his ass had a big fucking target on it, and he was going to find me all over it all too soon. It must have given him the biggest thrill of his life to kill another one of us. He probably got off on killing Eva so much; Ben was just the icing on then cake. Mother-fucking-ass-licking-baby-killer. You're going to bleed 'Deck. You're going to beg me to kill you in the end.
"It wasn't Lydecker," Max said, and then sobbed. Her words cut off my mental rant. Her tears were flowing harder now. "It was me," she whispered.
I'd experienced more in my twenty years of life than most people will experience in a hundred years. I'd seen pain, cruelty, horror, terror and fear. Every facet of a shocking life experience had presented itself to me in one form or fashion as some point. I didn't think that there was anything new left under the sun. I was wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for the shock of hearing Max's words. There was no mistaking what she was saying. She killed Ben. She did it, not Lydecker. She killed one of her own. No. This was not happening. Never. Oh my God. Fuck me. She killed him.
I didn't realize that I had jumped to my feet, backing away from her, until she rose as well, her arms outstretched, pleading for understanding. "He asked me to!" she cried. Not my Ben. He would never. "We fought," she said, sobbing harder now. "His knee…Lydecker was coming…he begged me to!"
I didn't hear any more of her words. I was already running as fast as I could, flying down the Needle, wanting out of this city, out if this pain, out of this life. Die Terran, you useless piece of shit! You've done nothing for me! You cause nothing but pain and grief in Topaz's sweet little life. There was nothing you could do but fuck up the world. If I were still at the club, I would be laughing and having fun and teasing Vic and cheering the girls and all the things that I loved to do. Oh God, Ben was gone.
I wasn't sure how far or how long I ran. I think the police tried to stop me once, but there was no way in hell they could catch me. I jumped roofs, skidded through alleys, moving almost too fast to be seen with the naked eye. I couldn't outrun the truth. Ben was gone, and Max killed him. Why? Was what he was doing so bad she thought she had to kill him? Why had they fought at all? He and I had argued about his hobby plenty of times. I never tried to kill him over it.
Maybe part of my mind was in control of my body. I needed answers. I needed to know why. There was something so wrong with this. What could drive Max to kill another X-5? If we weren't going to look out for each other, who would? After maybe hours of running through the city, I was back at the Space Needle. My jeans were dirty, and my shirt had ripped on a nail that had been sticking out of a board somewhere. I hurt from running so hard, and I could feel the rain coming in. Still, I climbed the Needle once again, hoping for answers that I could live with.
When I got to the top, Max was gone. Big surprise there. Of course she would be. Hell, she probably wanted to see me again as much as I really wanted to see her. I sat down on the edge, not sure what to do. I came back here because I rationally wanted answers, but I knew in my heart Max would be gone, and I didn't think I wanted to see her again. The price of the answers was going through Max, and I didn't know if I could pay it.
Wind blew against my face, chilling me. Something tickled my cheek. Fucking bugs. I hated the little fuckers. They always bothered me at the worst times. I swiped at my cheek to kill whatever species of little shit was on me. I glanced at my hand to make sure the bug corpse wasn't sticking to me, and froze. No bug. Moisture. My other cheek was tickling too. My lower lip started to tremble, and then so did the rest of my body.
I couldn't remember the last time I cried for real. Fake tears were just a survival game, but real ones? Fuck. I didn't know. But now, they were real, and I couldn't stop them. I hugged my knees to my chest, sobbing as the rain started to pour all around me. I sobbed harder and harder, a keening wail escaping me. It was too late to say everything I should have. It was forever too late. Ben, no, this wasn't right. This wasn't fair.
The rain started to let up, finally trickling to a stop, and I felt the tears lessen. My chest hurt, my stomach ached, my eyes burned. I had no idea how I felt for once. I wanted to go home. Right away. Never look back. Never say the word Terran out loud again. Fuck, never think it again. Tell Zack to never come back. No ties. No life outside of the one I made. It hurt too much to be real, to be the person that could be vulnerable.
Something wrapped around my shoulders. I jerked back, looking up sharply. I didn't want to see Max. I was not ready to deal with her. It wasn't Max.
Zack knelt beside me, his arm around me, keeping his jacket on me, I'm sure he would say, but offering me something resembling comfort as well. For a moment I forgot all the arguing and bitterness, and just wrapped my arms around his neck, glad to see someone who would never, ever, be anything but what I knew him to be.