It started to rain again as I headed off. I knew I must look like a drowned rat, but I didn't care really. I needed to look pathetic. My makeup had run to hell and back, and my hair was plastered back, and Zack was following me. That was enough right there to make anyone miserable, but I also had red, swollen eyes to go along with the whole look. It's what I needed.
I wanted to go and talk to Max and have this really big heart-to-heart with her and let her know that everything was okay now. Max would probably swallow it whole. She would just love to hear that is was perfectly normal to murder another one of us. Who the fuck did she think she was being so judgmental? So what if a few norms died? We were designed to be killers. It wasn't like I hadn't before a few times, and Miss. Perfect had taken at least one life, and there was no pretending she hadn't. I remembered seeing the blood on her face. I had never intentionally tasted another person's blood before.
I knew where I was heading. I didn't know where Max lived, but I did know where Logan could be found. Max might be there with him, but that wouldn't matter. I wanted Zack to see me stay there for a while. He wouldn't have the balls to ask me when I left if something had happened; I was willing to bet he didn't think I knew he was following me, but I wanted him to think that maybe I had managed to fuck Logan. Well, I would have, but only with the big head.
My sense of direction was still quite intact, and I made it back to Foggle Towers easily. I went up to the penthouse and paused for a moment, stepping into the role. Terran, not Topaz. It was a strange feeling, almost like I was shifting through space and time. He was going to think he was talking to Terran, but it was really Topaz on show. Most of the time, people thought they were talking to Topaz, but Terran was really the one in command. What can I say, Lydecker trained us to adapt to any situation.
I rang the bell, and a moment later, Logan answered the door. I could see my reflection mirrored in his glasses, and I knew I looked fucking pitiful. Logan was the type to have instant compassion on the downtrodden, so long as it didn't involve his real emotions. Pity came natural to men like him.
"Terran," he said, surprised to see me there.
"I'm sorry for disturbing you so late," I said quickly, sounding like I was about to burst into tears, "but I didn't know if Max came back here and I needed to let her know…" I broke off, my voice catching. It worked beautifully. Logan immediately became concerned.
"No," he replied, "she's not here." He backed up a little. "Come on in. Are you okay?"
I took a few steps in, water making a puddle at my feet. "I…I didn't know where she lives and this was the only place I could think of," I said pitifully. "She…she said…she told me…and then I took off on her, and when I went back she was gone," I sniffed out, and then sneezed.
"Listen," he said. "Max has got some clothes here if you want to get out of those wet things. I can get yours dried if you want to wait around."
"I don't want to impose on you," I said, a tear creeping down my face. Most men don't like wailing, but one or two tears escaping while the rest of the emotion is being bravely held back just moves them to pity. It was working well on Logan. "I really need to find Max."
He smiled at me, and for a moment I felt a tinge of regret for what I was going to do. Damn, that boy looked good enough to eat. "Max needs a few hours to calm down after an argument," he said, looking like he'd had plenty of experience with that. "Besides, I've gotten used to this place being the official X-5 meeting point for Seattle." I had to laugh at that.
"If it's really not a problem…" I said, with a weak smile.
"Not at all," he replied, and then went into a bedroom for a moment. He came back with some jeans and a shirt. "Bathroom is over there," he said, pointing. "If you want to take a shower so you won't get sick you're more than welcome." Another ten minutes, and I was willing to bet I would have an invitation to spend the night. Not that I could spring the rest of my trap on him right then. It was just a bit too soon.
I did take advantage of a hot shower. I hadn't exactly been able to clean up after my little encounter with Zack, and it felt good to get all the stickiness off of me. Max's jeans fit well enough. She and I were close enough size-wise that the clothes weren't uncomfortable although the shirt was more than just a little tight. It would be obvious if I got cold. I almost laughed when I saw myself in the mirror. This was almost a perfect set-up for a seduction. He already felt pity for me, and now I was dressed like the woman he really wanted. Patience my dear, move too fast and you lose everything.
I went back into the living room and he was waiting for me. "I put your things in the laundry," he said, for just a moment seeing me with an appreciative eye. The jeans were riding low on my hips and the shirt was pulled up a little from having more boobs to cover. I moved across the room like I did the stage, all casually deliberate moves and graceful curves. I settled onto the couch, and smiled at him.
"Thank you," I said, one leg tucked underneath my body while I leaned on the armrest of the couch. He was giving me that inquisitive, compassionate look, waiting for me to explain. "It all happened so fast," I said softly, more like I was talking to myself. "I wanted to let her know…and then she told me about Ben, and I just…I just lost it." For a horrifying second I thought I was really going to start crying again.
Logan seemed to know what I was talking about. "She told you what Ben was doing?" he asked cautiously.
"I knew what he was doing," I replied, a little annoyed that he would think I didn't. His eyes widened.
"You knew?" Oh, hell, Zack was right on the money with this guy. The thought of killing someone for a reason that didn't fit his (I was sure) very limited version of nobility, was just horrifying to him. What a fucking pansy. This was the post-Pulse world. Human life meant less now than it did twenty years before. Sometimes killing was just the only way to get the point across. He couldn't understand that. He would never want to understand that.
"It was his way of coping with things," I replied. "We all have our ways," I explained honestly. For a moment I gave him some real honesty. "We have to do what we can to keep from wanting to go back there. It was sane and structured and safe there. Outside is turbulent and scary, and the only thing that makes it worthwhile is being free to do as we choose. Ben needed to keep a brush of Manticore with him, and I needed to be the exact opposite of what I should have been. The important part is that we chose our destinies."
His expression said 'yeah, right' as clearly as if he'd spoken the words aloud. Real anger tore through me. "You have no right to judge any of us," I said coldly. Calm down girl; don't let him get to you. Our eyes met. "It was a living Hell back there," I said much softer. "There are times I still wake up biting back screams." There weren't, but he looked like he was about to cry just hearing it, probably thinking about Max doing the same thing. "What we do to keep it away from us, to feel like we really exist in this world, is that really wrong?" I asked, pleading with him for understanding.
"Ben couldn't be allowed to keep going," Logan finally said. "It's one thing to keep Manticore at bay, it's another to run around snapping necks for sport."
I looked away. "I can't expect you to understand." That was true. I couldn't. There was no way he would want to anyways.
He wheeled closer to me. "I can understand why you all protect each other like you do," he said gently. Protect? Your fucking girlfriend killed Ben. That was protecting? She made him an easy target for Lydecker, and then killed him. I wanted to scream at him, and tell him what he had done to Max, how badly he had fucked up her head, but I couldn't. He was going to have to learn for himself what an X-5 should be like.
I shrugged. "There's nobody else out there that ever has." I thought for a moment. "Well, except for that one time when Eye's Only let us know…" my words trailed off for a second as I realized what I was saying. He was in Seattle. He knew about Manticore. He knew when Zack came back. Max had only told two people in the city about Manticore. Zack wouldn't tell Lydecker about Manticore. Eye's Only was the ultimate humanitarian. Shit.
"I never was able to say thank you for scaring the hell out of me when you sent that coast to coast broadcast," I said with a smirk.
He hesitated for a moment, and then gave me an embarrassed little smile. When you've protected the secret we have for so long, finding out who the biggest name, well the guy behind the eyes of the biggest name in cyber-journalism is, doesn't seem like much. "It was the only way to warn all of you since we didn't know for sure who was in danger."
"I caught the broadcast at two in the morning," I said. "The club was closing and there was two of my dancers just sitting there watching it." I could remember that moment clearly. I had frozen there, listening to him warn the X-5's that their positions had been compromised. For a moment, I wasn't sure if I was going to faint or throw up. "I grabbed my bouncer and told him I was going to take a couple of days off," I told Logan. That was the truth. "Vic was used to me needing a few days to myself every now and then, but he was a little shocked that I didn't give him any notice this time."
"I threw some things in a bag, and some cash and ran like hell. I think that was the first time I went anywhere and actually checked in with Zack. I think that was one of the few times I was grateful to hear his voice and know that he was safe."
"You have problems with Zack?" Logan asked with a smirk. It would seem him and Zack had similar opinions of each other, both of them revolving around the phrase "get your hands off of my woman".
I rolled my eyes. "Honey, that would be like saying the Pulse was just a little bump in the electronic road." He laughed at that, and so did I. "He's a total shit most of the time, but I do believe he has our best interests at heart. Like me, he doesn't complain anymore about the club since I don't talk about Manticore, and I think he's realized that there is no way that Lydecker would ever associate an X-5 with a French Quarter stripper." I thought for a moment, and then added, "Deep down, Zack wants all to be happy. He worries about us, but he wants us to be happy." He wanted us to be good little soldiers, but Logan thinking that wouldn't work quite as well as Zack being the tough-acting, but softhearted brother I wanted him to consider Zack as.
"You really think so?" Logan asked. I smiled.
"I know so," I replied, and the son of a bitch swallowed every word of it. Damn, I'm good.