Disclaimer: Me no own Final Fantasy 8...
Summary: Survivor in the harsh lands of Trabia with penguins and polar bears! What will happen!? Will they all go insane and talk to dead rats!? Read and you shall see! TEE HEE!!
~* Survivor de la Trabia *~
~ Chapter 1: The Beginning... or is it??? ~
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Jeff - Host of show
Squall - 'Cold' SeeD commander
Rinoa - Cute cheer leader type of person
Selphie - Peppy girl
Quistis - Stupid blonde bitch
Seifer - Stupid blonde male bitch
Irvine - Cowboy guy
Zell - Ditzy spiky haired weirdo with no life
Moogle - Cute little cat type thing
Talking Chocobo, Fred - Resourceful, just very annoying
Norg - Fat ass!!
Jeff: Welcome everyone to Survivor in Trabia!
Everyone: *cheers*
Jeff: SILENCE!!! *everyone shuts up* Since I have a date in about 20 minutes I'm gonna make this short. Squall and Seifer are the team captains, choose your teams then both teams, walk to some random place on this small Trabian island then make a shelter. Ta dah! The end... Bye *Jeff vanishes in the blink of an eye, his laughter echoing between the characters*
Rinoa: Now that's something you don't see everyday!
Squall: Okay on my team I'll take... Rinoa!
Rinoa: Oh goody!
Seifer: On my team I shall take... Quistis!
Quistis: Chah ching!
Squall: I'll take Zell
Zell: Booya!!
Seifer: I'll take Selphie.
Selphie: Booyaka!!
Squall: I'll take Irvine.
Irvine: BA-BAM!!
Seifer: I'll take Fred, the Chocobo.
Fred: This is so cool! I was always picked last in games of dodge ball in my elementary classes!
Squall: I'll take Moogle.
Moogle: Kupo!
Squall: Well, I'm done!
Seifer: Me to!
Norg: What about me?
Seifer: ah shit.. I was hoping you would have forgotten that you were here.
Norg: I'm not THAT dumb
Seifer: Yes, yes you are!
Squall: Just pick him... lets go on with our lives!
Seifer: Fine fine... Norg, come join us you stupid fat ass
Norg: Cooooooooooooooooool....
((Squall's team: Interview with Rinoa))
Rinoa: God it's so cold here! Why did I sign up for this damn thing again!? Anyways, that Moogle dude, he's so cute. I keep playing with his pom-pom and when I do he growls at me and flashes his razor sharp teeth at me.
*shows Rinoa playing with Moogle's pom-pom*
Rinoa: But on more important matters. We made this really good igloo! But then Zell punched a wall out and it came crashing down on all of us.
*shows Zell pulling himself from the snow*
Rinoa: I hate him... He's gonna be a problem...
((Seifer's Team: Interview with Quistis))
Quistis: Wow! I am ever lucky to have Selphie on my team! We found this cave with polar bears in it and Selphie litterally asked the bears if we could stay with them, and they said yes!
*shows Selphie and polar bears talking*
Quistis: I must admit though, it's kinda creepy having a bear sleeping next to you... he kept on poking me in the back and looking at me seductively. I'm scared!
*shows polar bear growling lovingly to Quistis*
((Squall's Team: Interview with Squall))
Squall: God, it's the second week and Zell and Irvine haven't been doing ANYTHING!! I'll they have been doing is staring at those penguins! They really aren't THAT interesting!
*shows Zell and Irvine watching penguins like giddy school girls*
Squall: The only people actually do work are Moogle, Rinoa and I! Are team sucks... were screwed...
Jeff: Okay everyone! This is your first challenge, for uhhh... stuff... *everyone cheers* SHUT UP!!!! *everyone shuts up* Basically just choose one member to go out and kill as many seals as possible in on hour.
Rinoa: GOD NO!!! NOT THE SEALS!!
Jeff: Fine, no seals... eskimos?
Rinoa: Fine, whatever... I could care less about them anyways....
Squall: Suhweetah... killing eskimos! I nominate myself!
Zell: I vote for Squall
Rinoa: Me, too!
Moogle: Me too kupo!
Irvine: Fine, I guess I have no choice. I vote for Squall.
Squall: Eeeexxcceeellleeent...
Seifer: I don't care what any of you freaks say! I'm killing the eskimos! They took my teddy from me... they WILL pay!
Selphie: You're scary.
Norg: I can't agree with Seifer, I believe I should be the one killing eskimos-
Seifer: Shut up fatty!!
*Norg begins to cry and Seifer slaps him up side the head*
Fred: There was this one kid in my school who was called fat alot and then became a hobo and he was a very successful hobo...
Selphie: You scare me to!
Jeff: Is everyone ready? Good! Now begin!
*one hour later*
Squall: I'M BACK!! And I've killed 3 Eskimos! They were all screaming for something called 'mer-cay' but pssshhh... I don't know any eskimo mumbo jumbo so I killed 'em!
Rinoa: Squall, you idiot! They were screaming mercy!
Squall: You speak Eskimo, too?
Moogle: You're an idiot, kupo.
Seifer: I'm back everyone! And I've killed 70 Eskimos!
Quistis: Oh my God! Seifer, did you gut them!?
Seifer: ... ummm... yeah?
Selphie: Those poor, poor Eskimos... whatever! Did they have any candy!?
Seifer: YEAH!! TONS!! *Seifer pulls out pounds upon pounds of candy out of his trench coat*
Selphie: GIMME THE CANDY!!!
Quistis: Can you hand my a jolly rancher, Selphie?
Selphie: NO!! GO AWAY!! YOU'RE TO FAT TO EAT ANY!!
Quistis: I knew it!! I knew I was to fat! I'm gonna go and throw up!! *runs away*
Selphie: THE CANDY IS MINE!! MWHAHAHAHA!!!
Jeff: Geez... Well, it looks like Seifer's tribe wins.
((Seifer's Team: Interview with Seifer))
Seifer: Okay, this getting pretty freaky now. Selphie has been doing nothing but eating candy for DAYS! And she is still is as skinny as ever!
*shows Selphie stuffing her face with candy*
Seifer: I also think we're losing our alliance with the polar bears... it looks like they want the candy as well, but Selphie wont give it to them. Well, I don't actually think Selphie will ruin it, Norg probably will... I hate that jack ass!!
((Squall's Team: Interview with Moogle))
Moogle: Zell and Irvine have been doing nothing but watching the penguins. Well, except this one night where they brought them over and they all got drunk! You don't want to see a penguin drunk, trust me!
*shows drunk penguin eating own foot and then smacking itself repeatedly*
Moogle: I just want them out! The penguins that is. They've been sleeping here for days! I'm kinda used to them now, I just sleep under them now for warmth.
((Seifer's Team: Interview with Quistis))
Quistis: The polar bears kicked us out of there cave! Now where are we going to live!? Selphie was our only link to the bears but now she can't stop eating candy! Shouldn't she be out by now!? Where is she getting all this candy from!? But for more important matters, we have no where to live! This sucks!
((Interview with Seifer))
Seifer: Okay, we're two weeks in and it looks like Fred has been quiet almost the WHOLE time! I thought he was an annoying chatter box. Whatever happened to that? Did his vocal cords freeze over or something? I'm worried.
((Squall's Team: Interview with Squall))
Squall: OH GOD!! I'M IN A PANIC!! Zell has been missing for days and I don't even want to where Irvine has gone! This is such a catastrophe!!
Rinoa: Squall, I'm getting worried. Irvine hasn't come back ye-oh! Speak of the devil
*Irvine crawls up through the snow towards the two*
Irvine: Zell, went off... killed Eskimo chieften when we were drunk... then disappeared!
Squall: DISAPPEARED!?!? He can't just disappear! Tell me more Irvine!
*Irvine is silent*
Squall: Tell me more damn you! *slaps Irvine's face* Tell me!! *slaps Irvine again*
Rinoa: Stop!! You slapping him isn't going to do anything! Bite him!
*Squall bites Irvine in the cheek and he yelps in pain*
Irvine: FINE!!! I'll tell you. I think he was captured by the penguins. They threatened me but Zell sacrificed himself for both of us! He was so brave! *wipes a tear from eye*
Squall: Wait... you said he killed the Eskimo chief?
*Gigantic group of Eskimos come over the hill*
Rinoa: Oh shit....
Squall: RUN!!
Norg: Oh Polar Bears! There you are! *walks over to heard of polar bears*
Norg: You guys are all so cute! *begins to pet one* Want some candy? *shoves candy into polar bear's mouth and the polar bear drops dead* Whoops!
Polar Bear: Grr growl grr! -Translation: He has killed the tribe transvestite!-
All Polar Bears: GRRRRRRRRR!! -Translation: IT WAS OUR GOOD LUCK TRANSVESTITE TOO!!!!-
*Polar bears begin to eat Norg*
Seifer: Norg hasn't been back in a few days, should we go search for him Selphie?
Selphie: CANDY!!
Seifer: Quistis?
Quistis: I think I know what happened... look!! *points to horizon where heard of polar bears carrying Norg's carcass appear*
Seifer: Oh shit! They look angry! BATTLE STATIONS!
Squall: We can't out run them! I say we surrender! Let's give Irvine as a sacrifice!
Irvine: WAIT! I have an idea! *pulls out volley ball and draws a face on it* Eskimos!! Here is your God! He wants you to not kill us!
Eskimos: He is not our God! We worship a multitude of Gods!
Rinoa: Nice vocabulary...
Irvine: Well, this is your TRUE God!!
Eskimos: All Hail the volley ball! *Eskimos bow down and pray to the volley ball*
Irvine: Lets get out of here! *The three run away*
((Seifer's Team: Interview with Seifer))
Seifer: GODDAMIT NORG!! Why did you go and feed that stupid polar bear some candy and get killed!? Fortunetly, we made this igloo to protect us from the polar bears... kinda. Geez... Just when I thought we could- *Bomb of polar bear pheces crashs through wall of igloo*
Seifer: Man your stations everyone!
Selphie: CANDY!!
Quistis: FORGET THIS!! I'M RUNNING AWAY!!
Fred: I'M WITH HER!!
Moogle: I've been wandering this forsaken place for years! Will there ever be civilization!? *a penguin walks in front of him*
Moogle: Oh well... hello penguin friend! How can I help you? *Penguin brings out a steal bat and smacks Moogle over the head*
Penguin: Quack quack! -Translation: Eeeexxxccceeeellleeent... he'll be perfect!!-
((Interview with Squall))
Squall: We've been wandering for days and Irvine just suddenly, wandered away! It was creepy!
Rinoa: Huh! Is that Irvine's hat!? *picks up Irvine's hand*
Squall: Uh ho... where is he now!?
*Irvine suddenly pops up out of the snow*
Irvine: ONE PENGUIN TO RULE THEM ALL!!
Rinoa: Irvine!! Are you okay!?
Irvine: Mary Poppins said the penguins are coming... ahehehehehe!!
Squall: Huh? What the fuck are you talking about!?
*Irvine points behind them*
Rinoa: HOLY SHI-
*steal bat slams down on head, then on Squalls, then on Irvine's*
Moogle: I hate this... why did I ever sign up!?
*cell door opens and Squall, Irvine and Rinoa are thrown in*
Squall: Moogle!?
Moogle: Finally!! Humans! I'm so happy *hugs Squall and begins to cry*
Squall: What the!? Eeeeiiiuuuwww... Moogle tears! *smacks Moogle*
Quistis: I don't hear the polar bears anymore!
Seifer: Really!? Let me go and check it out!
*Seifer crawls out of igloo and sounds of rustling are heard*
Quistis: Seifer? Seifer!?
*Quistis crawls out of igloo and sounds of rustling is heard*
Fred: Oh shit....
Selphie: CANDY!!
*group of penguins rush in and smack both of them over the head with steal bats*
Squall: Food...
Irvine: Water...
Moogle: Sanitation
Rinoa: Make up...
Rat: Supreme power...
*all become silent*
Irvine: Did anyone else just here that?
Squall: Yeah, I heard it....
Moogle: What the hell was that!?
Rinoa: HUH!! Oh my God! A talking rat!
*all huddle around the rat*
Moogle: Speak more Mr. Rat!
Rat: I am Ratickus Supremus Maximus XXII. I once ruled this land! They praised me! They loved me! I was their god! Then... HE came!
Squall: Who? WHO came!?
Rat: Well, I don't his name per se! I'm actually just a figment of your imagination created by your own starvation. I can't give you any decent information.
Irvine: FIGMENT OF OUR IMAGINATION MY ASS!! You're GOING to help us get out of here!
*the penguins guards watch nervously*
Guard 1: Quack. [Translation: "This is not good."]
Guard 2: Quack. [Translation: "I know what you mean."]
Guard 1: Quack. [Translation: "They have only been prisoners for two days and already they are talking to the dead rat."]
Guard 2: Quack. [Translation: "I know! Don't they know that it's dead?"]
Guard 1: Quack. [Translation: "Well, the mind is horribly changed when deprived of nutrients such as oxygen and water. They are probably completely unaware of their surroundings and may experience extreme emotional disorders within the next day or two. Personally, I think the scrawny girl is on the verge of schizophrenia. I feel that we should give them food before the sacrificial meeting."
Guard 2: Quack. [Translation: "Yes."]
*The penguins throw some pizza into the cell. Squall, Rinoa, Irvine and Moogle wolf it down hungrily.*((Else where in the City of Penguins))
??: Bring the loud one forth to me!
Penguin: Quack quack!
*penguins bring an exhausted looking Seifer into the sacrificial room. They then chain him to a large wall*
Seifer: GRRR!!! Who is behind all this!! Show yourself!
??: Why Seifer! You don't recognize me!? I'm shocked!
*Zell steps out of the shadows*
Seifer: ZELL!?!?!?!?
Zell: Yes! You're correct!
Seifer: But you were my friend... kinda...
Zell: Yes, I was that loud friend that no one ever expected anything from...
Seifer: And then...?
Zell: Then I realized how powerful I really was! I learned to under stand the penguins and they excepted me as one of their own, they even let me become their leader!
Seifer: But why? Can't you just come back with us?
Zell: Seifer! You do not understand! They need me! I am their king! I tell them where to crap, when to crap, and how to crap!
Seifer: Uhhh....
Zell: You must realize that it is very difficult for a penguin to take a crap. They need a strong leader to direct them what to do!
Seifer: So, why am I here?
*Zell laughs wickedly*
Zell: They need you, Seifer! Well, what they really need is your blood! For with your sacrifice it shall revive Penjilico, their God of English Muffins!!
Seifer: Wah? Why do they need a god of English Muffins?
Zell: I don't know! Don't care either! I just want to see how they sacrifice you! MWHAHAHA!! You may begin!
*a fat penguin picks up an ax and clucks menacingly*
Seifer: One day someone like me will come along and hunt you all down! Holy! Geez... you ARE fat aren't you!?
*the fat penguin scowls and brutally plunges the ax into Seifer's head*
Zell: Bring forth the one with the weird mark on his face!
*Squall is brought out and is thrown before a great vat of lava*
Squall: ZELL!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!?!?
Zell: I just explained this to Seifer! Ask him!
*Squall looks to Seifer's bloody mess of a corpse and grimaces*
Squall: I'll just forget I ever wondered.
Zell: excellent! May the sacrifice begin! MWHAHAHA!!
*suddenly Norg crashes through a wall. He lands and nocks all the penguin guards into the lava and Squall is thrown back, away from the lava*
Norg: I am here to help you kill these vile fiends!
Zell: WHAT THE!?!? I sent the polar bears to kill you!! How did you survive!?
*Norg is silent*
Norg: I don't know...
Zell: DAMMIT!! That ruined everything!
Squall: NOW'S MY CHANCE!
*Squall throws Zell into the lava pit*
Norg: ... crap
*Irvine comes running up with Rinoa, Moogle, Fred, Selphie and Quistis*
Rinoa: Oh thank god you are okay, Squall!
Selphie: Along with Seifer!
*everyone looks to Seifer's mangled corpse*
Selphie: Oh... that's a bummer...
Squall: At least everyone is else alright!
Norg: Now let us all go home!
*Norg trips and falls into lava pit and everyone laughs*
*Jeff appears out of nowhere*\
Jeff: This was the worst Survivor ever! Everyone died and- oooohhh! Seifer's blood.
*Jeff begins to drink Seifer's blood and an angry mob of villagers come with pitch forks and flaming wooden staffs*
Villager: THERE IS THE VAMPIRE!!
Villager 2: LETS BURN HIM!!
*Jeff disappears and angry mobs runs out the exit in chase*
Jeff's Voice: The END!!
Rinoa: Wait a sec! Who won?
Squall: Awww... SHIT!
THE END!!!