AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was originally intended for the Endgame challenge issued on the JetC index last year. I didn't get around to finish it in time and it's been sitting on my HD for over a year now. Going through my collection of unfinished/unposted fanfics, I decided this one deserved to be posted despite of its incompleteness. *please* let me know what you think and if I should finish this now that I have a little more time on my hands. In other words, send me feedback or the happy ending will forever remain unpublished ;)
As I'm not rewriting the entire episode, please be informed that most events in Endgame remain unchanged - however, *do* cut any C/7 scenes from your memory.
Full Circle by Elisabeth Cook (allegretto@gmx.net)
Reflections danced on the water's surface, billions of lights pooled together to create a mirror image of San Francisco's nightline. Twin cities, almost identical at first sight; yet a closer look revealed the waves rippling the surface, distorting the mirror image ever so slightly. Once in a while a small boat cut through the water, the sound of its engines completely muted by the distance, its wake leaving behind a trail of destruction. For a short time, one world was turned upside down and inside out. As one twin remained as static as ever, the other slowly returned to normal, the turmoil eventually fading until only the slight distortions remained. Once again almost identical, yet changing with every passing second, never quite the same.
Inside the dimly lit apartment the windows, opened to welcome what might have been the last summer night of the year, allowed an unobstructed view of the scenery. Further in the distance, the silhouette of the Bay Bridge barely stood out against the backdrop of a clear night sky. Still visible, but only if one knew exactly where to look.
The vid screen tucked away in a far corner of the room was the only source of illumination, the volume had been turned down to a level where the speaker's words were barely audible. "These should be familiar images to everyone who remembers the USS Voyager's triumphant return to Earth 25 years ago. After spending seven years in the Delta Quadrant, they..."
Suddenly, the wailing cries of an infant cut through the relative silence, effectively disrupting the speaker's monotonous report. The young woman who had been sitting on the couch up until that moment rose and reached for the crib. Sure enough, the arms of his mother were enough to calm down the little boy and after a few minutes, the crying subsided, only to be replaced by the cluttering noise of a cup being knocked off the coffee table. The woman's head snapped around, just in time to watch the contents spill across the floor.
"Mom....!"
Tucking a few stray hairs into her bun, Kathryn Janeway emerged from one of the adjacent rooms, laughing at her daughter's exasperation.
"Careful, Kes. That cup has survived over twenty years without a single dent."
She picked up the cup and inspected it carefully before setting it back onto the table. No harm done, after all, even the Borg had failed to inflict any serious damage. But then, she knew that her eldest daughter was capable of almost anything.
"Let's go," she changed the subject. They would probably spend the better part of the night reviving old memories so there was no need to start early.
"But what about the stain?"
"We'll worry about that when we get back. After all, we don't want to be late for the reunion."
"When?"
"0400."
"How many false alarms does that make?"
Chakotay shrugged. "Three - that we know of."
"That baby is as stubborn as her mother!"
"Harry's starting a pool to see who can guess the actual date and time of birth."
"Tell him to put me down for next...Friday, 2300 hours."
"Anything else?"
"Crewman Chell's asked about taking over in the mess hall full-time."
"Neelix left some pretty big pots and pans to fill. Does Mr. Chell feel he's up to the challenge?"
"Apparently so. He's prepared a sample menu."
"Plasma leak soup? Chicken warp cor(e)don bleu?"
"If his cooking's as bad as his puns, we're in trouble."
"Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't mind giving his 'red alert chili' a try. Feel like having lunch?"
Chakotay's grin broadened. "After taking a look at that menu? I don't think anymore," he teased, his mind already jumping ahead trying to come up with the next verbal punch at Chell's cooking skills. Janeway's reaction to his quip, however, took him by surprise.
For a few nanoseconds, her eyes clouded over and she seemed to tense, although her voice completely betrayed the emotions he had just seen playing across her face. "I don't think it would be fair to judge the food by its appearance," she scolded him. "As his commanding officer, you should know better than that."
Not giving away that he had caught her, he stroked his chin, pretending to be deep in thought. "On a second thought, my replicator rations are dangerously close to complete depletion. Maybe I shouldn't have placed that many bets in Harry's pool."
Sure enough, her eyes lit up again. "In that case we should get going before the mess hall gets too crowded."
"And the good stuff is already gone," he added jokingly and extended his arm to help her off the couch.
--> alternate shuttle bay scene? lunch @ messhall?
"Your move," Seven told the viewscreen.
Neelix took a brief look at his kadis-kot board, then looked back at Seven. "Green, Grid 1210."
"Red, Grid 313," Seven countered.
"Tricky!"
"How's Brax?"
"Wonderful! Thanks for asking. I know I can never replace his father, but..."
"I have no doubt the boy looks up to you."
"Orange, Grid 1012. I haven't told anyone but I'm thinking of asking Dexa to marry me."
"She'd be wise to accept."
"That's enough of my love life. How about yours?"
"I don't have a love life."
"Oh? What about your relationship with Commander Chakotay?"
"It's your turn," she said, desperately trying to change the subject.
"Actually, it's yours."
She began to fidget nervously, realizing that Neelix wouldn' t let her off the hook that easily. "There is no more relationship between me and Commander Chakotay," she stated, emphasizing his rank.
Unlike his usual self, Neelix caught on quickly. "I take it you don't want to talk about it."
"No, I'd rather not," Seven replied absent-mindedly, one of her consoles had suddenly begun to beep furiously.
"What is it?" Neelix inquired.
"Long-range sensors are detecting extremely high neutrino emissions...accompanied by intermittent graviton flux. Approximately three light-years away."
"A wormhole?"
"I'm not sure. I'll need to conduct more scans."
"We can finish our game tomorrow."
"I'll contact you at the usual time."
Dressed in casual clothes and carrying a bottle of wine, Chakotay made his way across the corridor. He rang the chime to his captain's quarters and sniffed the air. When the doors finally opened to admit him inside, he sniffed again. Pleasantly surprised, he noted that the air was completely free of smoke.
A quick glance at the table, however, explained why. "It's over an hour after the end of your shift, and you still haven't managed to get dinner on the table?" He asked in mock indignation.
The look Janeway cast first at him and then at her replicator taught him better. "Don't rush yourself, take all the time you need," he suggested as he poured the wine, then handed her a glass.
"I suggest you watch what you're saying tonight, Commander," Janeway teased and swirled her glass. "Otherwise you might find yourself facing wormhole wieners for dinner."
Still grinning, she turned back toward the replicator, mere seconds before the comm channel sprang to life. "Senior officers to the bridge," Tuvok's voice announced.
"What is it?" Janeway inquired as she stepped out of the turbolift, Chakotay trailing only a few steps behind.
"Judging from the tachyon emissions, some sort of temporal rift," Tuvok explained while both of them took their seats.
Janeway glanced at the data displayed on the console in her armrest, then leaned over to Chakotay. "How come those temporal phenomena always turn up when we're having dinner?"
Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 54973.4: we've begun outfitting Voyager with Admiral Janeway's upgrades. As soon as the major modifications are complete we'll reverse course and head back to the nebula. Though I've certainly had some strange experiences in my career, nothing quite compares to the sight of my future self briefing my officers on technology that hasn't been invented yet.
After ending the recording, Janeway slowly rose from her chair and walked toward the replicator. "Coffee, black," she commanded and rubbed her eyes while waiting for the cup to shimmer into existence. Her eyes felt like sandpaper and the last time she had gotten a good night's sleep seemed at least an entire lifetime away.
Holding the cup tightly with both hands, she inhaled deeply. The scent filtered through her mind, slowly lifting the clouds of sleep deprivation, the warmth emanating from the cup seeping through her hands. Her eyes closed, she lifted the cup up to her mouth, anticipating the sharp jolt of energy that would almost instantly follow the first sip.
And the jolt did arrive, although by slightly different means. It took her a few moments to realize that it had been her door chime which had startled her. "Come in," she called out, her voice a little raspy from exhaustion. Half expecting her future self to step inside, she was pleasantly surprised to find herself looking at her first officer instead. He greeted her with a warm smile, although his eyes were filled with concern.
"Shouldn't you be trying to get some rest at this time of the night?" he inquired, his eyes roaming the scenery, quickly assessing the situation. Stacks of PADDs littering the table, the chairs, the floor. A crumpled blanket carelessly draped across the couch.
"It's not like I haven't been trying," she snapped, her automatic defense systems activating the second he started to speak. Unfazed by her harsh reply, Chakotay stepped closer and she instantly regretted her words. Hadn't she just been glad to see him? Only a few seconds ago, hadn't she marveled how he always knew just exactly when to stop by? There had been nothing reproachful in his words, just a statement, gently teasing yet caring. He had known the answer to his question long before he asked it, probably even better than she knew herself. Then why did she always feel the need to defend herself?
She bit her lip. "I'm sorry. It's just that I've so many things to think about lately." She sat down and picked up a random PADD, as if to prove her point.
"For once, installing that regenerative armor is probably going to take longer than we expected," he added helpfully after catching a glimpse of its contents.
"Not to mention the implications of bringing with us technology from the future when we get back. If we get back." She rubbed her temples. "Did I mention temporal paradoxa gave me a headache?"
"I don't know about the temporal paradoxa, but I'll see what I can do about that headache." Even though she couldn't see him, from the tone of his voice she could tell he was smirking as he approached her from behind.
How did he always seem to know what she was thinking before she even realized it? A comfortable sigh escaped her lips as his hands settled down onto her shoulders and began to work out the knots. At one point in time, that had been quite disconcerting, as she had never been someone to allow insight into her innermost feelings. It had made her uncomfortable to know that there was somebody who seemed to know more about them than she herself did.
As she settled her head against his chest, enjoying the comfortable feeling of his strong hands working out the kinks in her back, the full extent of her thoughts registered. At some point in time, she had stopped feeling uneasy around him. Looking back, she couldn't tell exactly when she had started to accept his insight into her, if not taking for granted that he was always there for her when she needed someone to lean on. But then why was she still pushing him away every time he gave her the opportunity to turn to him?
Feeling her muscles tense underneath his hands, Chakotay steeled himself for the inevitable. The sense of déja-vu was almost unbearable. They had been here before, what had led him believe that this time it would be different? In the back of his mind, he could still hear his own words echoing: Let's just say there are some barriers we never cross. So why did he keep trying, even though he knew he'd fail every time he did?
He was so lost in his own thoughts that it took him a few moments to realize that this time it was different after all. His hands were still resting on Kathryn's shoulders, this time she hadn't walked away from him. She had turned around to face him, tears welling up in her eyes. Her voice was barely above a whisper when she finally spoke, trembling from the turmoil of emotions inside her. "Five years, Chakotay. Why did it take me five long years to understand?"
The flow of time seemed to slow when she rose and finally voiced what, until now, she had never dared to admit to anyone, not even to herself. "I'm lost, Chakotay." She flung herself into his arms, choking out the words. "I don't know what to do." And with that, the floodgates opened. Her tears flowed freely now as she opened her heart to him, the floods tearing down the walls so carefully erected and maintained over the past seven years. "Never once in all these years I stopped looking for a way to get us home," she sobbed. "And now that I've finally been presented with the ultimate way, I'm suddenly not sure anymore."
Not quite being able to grasp what was happening to him, Chakotay simply wrapped his arms around her, patting her back, slowly rocking her back and forth reassuringly. Some of her words didn't come across very clearly, some were completely lost in the fabric of his uniform top, but he soon realized that it didn't matter.
"Every time I look at her, I wonder what turned her into the person she is now. I wonder what it will take to make me lose all my ideals, to abandon everything I ever believed in. Not once in all those years did I really question the decision that stranded us here in the Delta Quadrant. Oh, I second guessed it many times over, but in the end I always decided that I had been right, and that's what kept me going. Then she steps into the picture and turns everything I ever believed in upside down."
Her tears continued to flow, smearing her make-up and drenching his uniform top. Why she had been crying in the first place, she didn't know anymore. The tears that were flowing now were tears of frustration. Or maybe they were tears of relief. Relief that she had finally found someone she could turn to, finally realizing that she wasn't alone on this. Maybe she was crying because if felt so good to finally let herself go. Ultimately, it didn't matter. She cried until there were no more tears left to cry and she opened her heart to him until there were no more words to speak. She pounded her fist against his chest in frustration and clung to him as if he was the only one able to save her life.
Several hours later, Chakotay was awakened by a tingling sensation in his left arm. Feeling as if every single nerve ending in that extremity had started a serious rebellion, he tried to move. Only when that couldn't be accomplished did his current situation register. He was still in Kathryn's quarters. In fact, he was lying on the couch, with her sprawled on top of him, still sound asleep.
Carefully not to rouse her from the much needed sleep, he dislodged his arm from its awkward position underneath her head. While he flexed his fingers in an almost futile attempt to restore blood circulation to his mutilated extremity, he tried to recall how exactly he had ended up in this position. Slowly, like the blood returning to his fingers, it came back to him.
Eventually, all words had been said and there had been no more tears left to cry. Kathryn had clung to him like a drowning person to a life-line, her body shaking from exhaustion and misery. He had gathered her up in his arms and carried her over to the couch. Wrapping her in the blanket, he had held her close to him until she had fallen asleep, apparently he had done the same soon thereafter.
Gently stroking her hair, he wondered how long they had been lying here already. The lights were still dimmed and he didn't dare raise his voice to ask the computer for the current time. So far, neither one of them had been summoned to the bridge, so it was most likely still in the middle of the night.
How many times had he dreamt of a scene like this; how many times had he imagined himself lying in her darkened quarters, her small body snuggled up against his. And yet, this moment held none of the magic of a dream come true. In his dreams, his heart had rejoiced and he had been filled with contentment. Right now, he could only feel the sorrow he had seen when she had laid out her heart to him earlier that night. Looming above him was the bittersweet certainty that this would only last until she had regained enough of her strength to continue on her own, so he continued to hold her close as long as he was still allowed to.
Suddenly she stirred and, knowing that the precious moment of closeness they had shared had already passed before it had really begun, he pulled himself into a sitting position. He didn't quite know what to expect, but he did know for sure that he was neither in the mood for a lengthy discussion, nor did he feel up to yet another game of let's-pretend-none-of-this-ever-happened.
"Don't stop, this feels nice." Still slurred from sleep, her words nonetheless took him completely by surprise. He felt her hand on his chest, gently urging him to lie down again. "Please, don't go." Although more a plea than anything else, the first signs of her command authority crept back into her voice with that sentence.
Startled by her words, Chakotay sat up anyway. "Tell me you really mean that and I'll stay."
Shaking off the last remnants of sleep, she sat up to face him. "In the past seven years there have been a lot of times when I said something I didn't mean to say," she smiled wryly. "But this isn't one of them." Her hand slipped into his and squeezed it reassuringly.
For the second time in a matter of hours, Kathryn's feeling were sent on a rollercoaster ride. She had finally said aloud what for years she hadn't even been able to admit to herself, and yet she was completely unprepared for the feelings that washed over her as he gently caressed her hand with his thumb. This was the kind of intimacy she had fought with all her strength, and yet she didn't feel the least bit uncomfortable. Not as he took her hand into both of his, returning her squeeze. Not when he lifted it up and breathed a gentle kiss on top of it.