Author's apologies: Forgive me for not posting this sooner, but I was out of town for three weeks. Please don't kill me. Don't kidnap me either. And once I finish this story, I'll revise the entire thing and get rid of all these annoying comments. Oh, and I'll never write a complete novelization of an episode unless it gets published by Pocked Book and I get paid big bucks ;)
When their lips finally touched, the world stopped revolving and time ceased to flow. All her worries, all her burdens were lifted from her shoulders and she felt safe and at home. For a few precious seconds, all was right with the universe.
Far too soon, however, reality caught up with them. Slowly opening her eyes, she reluctantly broke the kiss. Never loosing eye contact she took both his hands into hers. "I love you Chakotay, and I finally begin to understand why it took me so long to admit it." The brief moment of bliss was gone and her expression sobered up quickly. "There are times when I simply can't have the cake and eat it, too. I love you, Chakotay, and I need you. But by admitting that I also have to admit that I was wrong all those years, thinking I could face it all on my own.
"All those years I thought I had been right to make that decision that stranded us here in the Delta Quadrant. Right in some greater ultimate scheme of things, right because it conformed with the ideals upheld by Starfleet. But what if there is no right, Chakotay? What if, seven years ago, I had to choose between a wrong and a wrong and now I'm being forced to do it again?
"If we fly back into that nebula, cheat the time line and go back home, we will betray those very ideals we have lived by ever since we made that decision. But if we don't, why do we even keep looking for a way home? There will always be some moral issue not to take this short cut, or that. So many people would have died in vain. How many more lives would we loose in this futile quest?
"Take her advice, Kathryn." Placing both of his hands on her shoulders, Chakotay finally spoke up. "Trust her judgement. She has seen a future you can only speculate about and she has made up her mind. And now get some sleep, you'll need it."
* * *
When Chakotay stepped into the ready room the next morning he was relieved to note that the moment carried none of the awkwardness of the morning after. Nothing passionate had happened that night and yet it had been the most fundamental change he had ever experienced in a relationship.
Kathryn had finally opened up to him and allowed him insight into a part of herself she hadn't even known about before. She had allowed him inside her heart, unconditionally, and she had begged him to stay. Over the course of the past seven years, he had caught a few glimpses of that part of her, but with each time she had opened up to him she had eventually pushed him a little further away. And somewhere in a corner of his mind, he still expected her to. It had become such an integral part of him: stand by her side, catch her when she fell and let go once she regained her balance.
This morning was different. For a few moments she remained facing the viewport, taking a final look at the distant nebula that might turn out to be their long-sought way home. This time she did not try to avoid his eyes, her only acknowledgement of the fact that things had changed between them. It was enough for him to know that she wouldn't back off this time.
"I heard what happened to Seven. Is she all right?"
"She insists she is." Janeway walked over to her desk and cast a quick glance at the monitor. "Still no sign of Borg activity within a ten light-year radius. But we shouldn't underestimate the Collective."
"The Admiral seems confident we can make it past them," Chakotay stated when he saw the expression of concern on his captain's face.
"I'm beginning to have second thoughts, however. The Queen knows we're out here."
"Our chances would be good with one Kathryn Janeway on the bridge." Chakotay allowed himself a reassuring smirk. "But with two...I'd bet on this ship any day."
"It's good to know you have so much confidence in me." Janeway's expression failed to lighten. "If I could only say the same of myself."
Gently taking her hand into his, Chakotay gently nudged her concerns away from the immediate future. "If we do make it back to Earth, what are your plans?"
Her eyes welled up with tears and Chakotay realized he had gone too far too quickly. She would talk about her plans, her dreams, their future eventually. But right now she was still too much the captain to indulge in those thoughts. Her crew could dream about home all they wanted to, but it was her responsibility to get them there. No matter how long it took - another day or 70 years - she would get Voyager home safely. Only then would she allow herself the luxury of dreams.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." He tried not to wince in pain as she squeezed his hand in her fight to regain control of her emotions. "I don't know yet, either."
No matter what had changed that last night, Voyager always came first and their future would have to wait a little longer.
* * *
"Bridge to engineering."
"Go ahead, Captain."
"Deploy armor."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Distance to the center?"
"Less than 100,000 kilometers."
"What the hell is it?" Captain Janeway leapt from her chair and stared at the giant spherical shape which had appeared on the main viewscreen.
Admiral Janeway, however, seemed completely unfazed. "Mr. Paris," she ordered. "Alter course to enter the aperture at coordinates 346 by 42."
"Belay that." Janeway swung around and glared at her older self. "I asked you a question. What is it?"
"The road home." The Admiral's voice was completely devoid any emotion.
"It's more than that. It's a transwarp hub." Seven's voice, on the contrary, bore signs of surprise.
"You once told me there were only six of them in the galaxy!" So did Captain Janeway's.
"That's correct."
"You knew this was here, but you didn't tell me about it. Why?" The Captain crossed the open space between herself and the Admiral with a few strides.
"I'll answer all your questions once we're back in the Alpha Quadrant."
Not taking her eyes off the Admiral, Janeway immediately commanded, "Tom, take us out of the nebula."
"Captain?"
"You heard me."
"I gave you an order, Lieutenant." The Admiral didn't give up this easily. "Proceed to the aperture."
"This is my bridge, Admiral," Neither did the Captain. "And I'll have you removed, if necessary."
"Do I have to repeat my order? Take us out!"
"Aye, Captain."
* * *
"I want to know why you didn't tell me about this!" Captain Janeway snapped at her alternate self. All along she had suspected that the Admiral hadn't been entirely truthful with her.
"Because I remember how stubborn and self-righteous I used to be. I figured you might try to do something stupid." The Admiral briskly walked down the corridor, with the Captain following directly on her heels.
"We have an opportunity to deal a crippling blow to the Borg. It could save millions of lives!" She had always suspected that the Admiral was acing by some hidden agenda.
"I didn't spend the last ten years looking for a way to get this crew home earlier so you could throw it all away on some intergalactic goodwill mission!"
"Maybe we should go back to Sickbay." She had known it all along. Her intuition had been right.
"Why, so you can have me sedated?"
"So I can have the Doctor reconfirm your identity. I refuse to believe I'll ever become as cynical as you." She didn't really have any other reason to question the Admiral's identity, other than refusing to believe she was about to change into that person.
"Am I the only one experiencing déjà vu here?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Seven years ago, you had the chance to use the Caretaker's array to get Voyager home. Instead, you destroyed it."
"I did what I knew was right."
"Did you really? Don't tell me you didn't question that decision over and over again. How can you ever know? How can you even be sure there was a right choice?"
"I did what was right. In the light of the Prime Directive, in the light of the very principles you seem to have chosen to abandon." With her alternate self trying to convince her otherwise, she was more certain than ever that she had picked the right path by destroying the Caretaker's phalanx.
"Oh, the Prime Directive." The Admiral's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "You were transported over 70 000 light years by a single entity and you quote the Prime Directive on me? What a twisted sense of logic is that? You chose to put the lives of strangers ahead of the lives of your crew. You can't make the same mistake again. You chose to put ideals ahead of the fate of your crew. Those people depended on you and you let them down."
"You got Voyager home. Which means I will, too. If it takes a few more years then that's..."
"Seven of Nine is going to die."
"What?"
"And she won't be only one. Between this day, and the day I got Voyager home, I lost 22 crew members."
"If you're so convinced my decision to destroy the array was wrong, why didn't you come back seven years earlier? Before we even ended up in the Delta Quadrant."
"Because sometimes there is no right decision, Kathryn. Sometimes you have to choose between a wrong and a wrong."
Now the feeling of déjà vu kicked in full force.
"There are people who have made an impact on me. On you. People who have helped shape me into the person I am now. People you would've never met otherwise. Neelix. Kes."
"If those people shaped you into the person you are now, maybe I'd be better off never having met them."
At that, Admiral Janeway stopped dead in her tracks. "You said you refuse to believe you'll ever become as cynical as I am, and yet here you are. Listen to yourself. There are people who would have never existed. Seven of Nine. Icheb. Miral."
"Miral?"
"Tom's and B'Elanna's daughter."
"So just because you had the technology to do so - which I doubt has been handed over to you with Starfleet's approval - you picked a random point in time to bring us home? What do you think you are doing, playing God? Snap your fingers and bring home the lost children?"
"Listen, Kathryn. Just because you have been presented with directives and orders doesn't mean you don't have to think for yourself. Even though you might have to pick between a wrong and wrong doesn't mean you can put off making a decision forever. Face it, Starfleet's directives are not the ultimate wisdom."
"So you think that you're wiser than Starfleet. Forgive me for not sharing that belief. You have absolutely no right to interfere. Not with my crew, not with my ship, not with the timeline." She gave the Admiral a cold stare and stalked off. "And now excuse me, I have a transwarp hub to destroy."
"Kathryn, please." The Admiral's expression softened as she desperately tried to reach out to her younger self. "I realize there is no point in arguing with myself. So I'll ask you one last time to listen to me and to trust me. Things will happen in the future that I cannot tell you about. By the time you experience thems yourself, it will already be too late. Trust me that there are some things you cannot know about and some things you cannot do on your own. I didn't realize that until it was too late and my crew has paid dearly for that. Please don't tell me I went through all of this in vain, only to see you make the same mistakes again."