Title: Pumpkins Are Orange (or, Is That Some Lembas In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Fucking An Odontophilic Halfling?)
Author: Yuale
Rating: odd, slightly graphic (it contains alphamegamia, gerontophilia, gymnophilia, hebephilia, miscegenation, necrophilia, odontophilia, and satyriasis), probably not something you'd want your grandmother to read over your shoulder (but then, I don't know your grandmother)
Pairings: Pippin/teeth, Elrond/lembas, Pippin/Elrond/lembas/teeth/Legolas' corpse, Legolas/Gimli
Summary: Pippin likes teeth. Elrond likes lembas. Epicness ensues.
Disclaimer: I am insane.
--
One day, in Rivendell, Elrond was aroused.
"Cripes," the half-elf thought to himself, "I am aroused." He looked down at himself, and realised that he had been thinking right. "I shall have to do something about this!" he grinned to himself. Elrond snuck off to the kitchen, to find the something to do.
--
Meanwhile, not far away, Pippin was sitting around in his room (also in Rivendell). "AHM BOORED," he thought to himself, as even his thoughts were accented. "Ahl hafte git meh somthing tae dou, bet aye daaneu ken whet."
The young halfling sighed. Merry was off somewhere looking at maps or something (FORESHADOWING), and Sam and Frodo were "off for a walk." Pippin lay back in bed as he tried to think of an activity he could partake in that would alleviate his boredom.
His thoughts wandered to the elves of Rivendell, um, because they were the individuals currently residing at Rivendell, for the most part. (I suppose Elrond considered himself an elf, but there were all those humans and dwarves and hobbits and whatnot that came for the council thingy and stuff, and Aragorn hung around from time to time. Um. Anyway, I digress.) His thoughts continued to wander, and they wandered right to the teeth of the elves (FORESHADOWING).
Now, one thing that should be mentioned about the teeth of the elves is that they were not yellow. Ohh, no. They were shiny, and clean. These were not teeth from the nightmares of dental hygienists (or wet dreams, depending on whether or not the aforementioned individuals were disturbed by rotting and foul teeth or were capitalists glad in seeing them because it would mean they could make a lot of money by cleaning them), ohhhh, no, no, no. These teeth shone like pearls, except they weren't a grain of sand that an irritated marine life form had covered in layers of nacre, and were not round and somewhat irregular and were instead tooth shaped and even. Yes, sirre, bob. These were fucking A-1 class teeth.
"Tehy reeahlehy heve nhaice teueth," thought the young hobbit.
These thoughts of elvish teeth began to, shall we say, turn the halfling's crank. With his crank becoming more and more turned with every dental related mental image floating around in his head, Pippin realised he had something he could occupy himself with.
His hands had nearly crept into his pants when the door of the room was flung open. "Hullo, Pip," said Merry, as he bounded in.
"Ach, yae scarrad meh ther, yae daeid." Merry blinked for a few moments as he tried to decipher what his cousin had said. "Yae cudduv knokked, yae kennve, och!"
"Oh, uh, sure, I will," replied Merry, fairly sure of what the hobbit now glaring at him had said. Sighing, Pippin got up from the bed and headed for the door. "Ahm gewing fer ah wahlk."
--
Pippin wandered around Rivendell for a while, until he decided to get some food and eat. Because, you know, hobbits eat a lot and stuff.
He found the kitchen without much trouble, but it was strangely empty. Unbeknownst to him, the elvish chefs were having an orgy with elvish farmers that afternoon. All the tabletops were unfortunately too high for Pippin to reach anything, so he decided to look for foodstuffs in the pantry that were maybe stored low to the ground or something.
Carefully pushing the door to the pantry open, Pippin was surprised to hear noises coming from inside the food storage area. "Ahh, meybe summun'll beh yin thar soh aye ken git sum fudd er summit."
Pippin peered inside the dark pantry, and to his surprise found the lord of Rivendell amorously engaged with some sort of food product. "Ehh, wehts hey doewing?" wondered the halfling. Elrond turned around at the sound, as Pippin had apparently spoken aloud without meaning to.
"Erk!" squeaked Elrond, much like a mouse, except he wasn't actually a rodent or anything.
"Eh, hellew," said Pippin. "Um, you saw nothing," muttered the half-elf as he tried to clean up the waybread. "Ahk," said Pippin, as he realised what was going on, "yew donnae hafta haide iht, ahm raendier thaneh doeun ahu tadnd ohv auhna dauudr in tae sumer mhaiself!"
Elrond blinked.
"Och, jest fock mei!" exclaimed the hobbit as he jumped into the bare elf lord's lap. This leaping threw Elrond off balance, and ass over teakettle they both tumbled backwards behind some shelves, or whatever it is elves use to organise foodstuffs, and onto a lumpy form.
"What's this lumpy form beneath me?" muttered Elrond to himself, almost completely forgetting about the halfling madly humping his leg as his annoyance with lumpy forms took over (an automatic reaction many had suggested he talk to someone about).
"Legolas!" exclaimed the elf lord, realising who it was, "why are you being a lumpy form?" When no reply was forthcoming from the blonde elf, Elrond poked the still individual. "Oh dear," said Elrond, "I do believe he's dead."
"Ach, shud tha stup ahr fahn?" asked Pippin. "I suppose not," concluded Elrond, and began molesting the hobbit.
"OCH, EHLROHND," cried Pippin, madly thrusting like a machine that is used for thrusting. "OOHHHH, yeh haev beeutifal teehth, ACHHHHHH, EHLROND" cried Pippin. "I know," grinned Elrond, "they my are favourite feature. Of Me." "Och, meh tew," giggled Pippin.
Then some lembas fell on them from the shelf above.
"Occhhchh, wher cuvverd ihn bred er summat," panted Pippin between thrusts. "Ohhhhh, I knooooooow," moaned the elf lord. "Ach, yew haev beauutiful teth," cried Pippin. "You already said," murmered Elrond seductivly, even though he didn't have to be seductive because they were already fucking and whatnot.
"Achhh, theh maek meh hawt, liek wahn aye wes ferst gheeting fuzzeir ihn paerts!" And then, still covered in elvish waybread, Pippin began to thrust against Elrond's teeth.
"Ow," said Legolas, suddenly becoming less dead underneath them. "That hurts." The blonde elf blinked and, after a few moments of realising what was going on, politely returned to being deceased.
Elrond licked his lips, and Pippin came in a burst of massive proportions. "OCH AHH DAUUNE YUAN GETTE DOUH DOUUJ DOR KELL KEN OCH!" cried the hobbit. Becoming hard once again, almost instantly (because aside from being eating machines, hobbits are also LOVE MACHINES) Pippin said, "Och, ets ah shaem tae leht teh blondie elflad tae gew tae whaste..."
"Are you suggesting we ravish Legolas's corpse?" asked the elf lord with a raised eyebrow. "Yaes," answered Pippin, with a firm nod. "Ok," answered Elrond, who would have added a thumbs up hand with a green sleeve had he been posting a comment in a certain online journal community that shall remain nameless.
"Oh, do you have to?" whined Legolas, popping back to life, "I just got my hair clean from Gimli's... soup... that he... spilled on me... during lunch." "Be quiet, you!" hissed Elrond. "Fine," sighed Legolas, going back to decomposing once again.
Then Britney Spears arrived.
Then she left.
"How odd," thought Elrond to himself. The elf and halfling began violating the corpse (had Elrond been Japanese, he would have called it an "utsukushii shikabane," except that Legolas wasn't actually at the point of being bones yet. Um. Anyway.) and more lembas fell on them, until they were almost entirely covered in it. Finally, they both reached their climaxes.
"OHH," yelled Elrond. "ACCHHHHHH," screamed Pippin.
They leaned back to relax in the waybread.
"Och," smiled Pippin. "Indeed," agreed Elrond.
"Ai," whined Legolas, coming to life once again. "Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai!" The blonde fretted at the state of his hair. "Aiiiiiii..."
Then Gimli walked in.
"Och," said the dwarf with a frown, sounding not unlike Pippin except for his voice being more deep and actually completely different, "are you being a corpse again?"
"Yes," muttered Legolas.
"You promised," said the dwarf, and then realised there were a halfling and elf beside Legolas covered in bodily fluids and waybread.
"I know," said Legolas, and seeing where the dwarf's eyes had landed, added, "Um, that was not my idea." "I believe you," said the dwarf. "AI!" cried Legolas, and lept into Gimli's arms.
"Och," said Gimli, and died.
"Ai," cried Legolas, realising he had crushed the smaller humanoid, "AII AIII AIIIIII!" Then he became a corpse again.
"They'll do that for hours," sighed Elrond as he rolled his eyes and indicated the dead humanoids with a gesture only Bakshi would attept to rotoscope.
"Aye, lits git claened oop," nodded Pippin, and was helped up by Elrond. They went off to do so, leaving a trail of lembas.
Eventually Gimli began breathing again. "Och," he muttered, "silly elf." Sensing his companion's renewed non-deadness, Legolas popped back to life himself.
"Ai," cried the elf with glee, and began ravishing the dwarf, heedless of the open pantry door.
Then Britney Spears returned.
She fell over.
Then she left again.
--
But, secretly... SOMEONE HAD BEEN WATCHING ALL THAT WAS GOING ON!
"Eheheh," laughed Gandalf to himself, as he snuck away.
- THE END -
Author: Yuale
Rating: odd, slightly graphic (it contains alphamegamia, gerontophilia, gymnophilia, hebephilia, miscegenation, necrophilia, odontophilia, and satyriasis), probably not something you'd want your grandmother to read over your shoulder (but then, I don't know your grandmother)
Pairings: Pippin/teeth, Elrond/lembas, Pippin/Elrond/lembas/teeth/Legolas' corpse, Legolas/Gimli
Summary: Pippin likes teeth. Elrond likes lembas. Epicness ensues.
Disclaimer: I am insane.
--
One day, in Rivendell, Elrond was aroused.
"Cripes," the half-elf thought to himself, "I am aroused." He looked down at himself, and realised that he had been thinking right. "I shall have to do something about this!" he grinned to himself. Elrond snuck off to the kitchen, to find the something to do.
--
Meanwhile, not far away, Pippin was sitting around in his room (also in Rivendell). "AHM BOORED," he thought to himself, as even his thoughts were accented. "Ahl hafte git meh somthing tae dou, bet aye daaneu ken whet."
The young halfling sighed. Merry was off somewhere looking at maps or something (FORESHADOWING), and Sam and Frodo were "off for a walk." Pippin lay back in bed as he tried to think of an activity he could partake in that would alleviate his boredom.
His thoughts wandered to the elves of Rivendell, um, because they were the individuals currently residing at Rivendell, for the most part. (I suppose Elrond considered himself an elf, but there were all those humans and dwarves and hobbits and whatnot that came for the council thingy and stuff, and Aragorn hung around from time to time. Um. Anyway, I digress.) His thoughts continued to wander, and they wandered right to the teeth of the elves (FORESHADOWING).
Now, one thing that should be mentioned about the teeth of the elves is that they were not yellow. Ohh, no. They were shiny, and clean. These were not teeth from the nightmares of dental hygienists (or wet dreams, depending on whether or not the aforementioned individuals were disturbed by rotting and foul teeth or were capitalists glad in seeing them because it would mean they could make a lot of money by cleaning them), ohhhh, no, no, no. These teeth shone like pearls, except they weren't a grain of sand that an irritated marine life form had covered in layers of nacre, and were not round and somewhat irregular and were instead tooth shaped and even. Yes, sirre, bob. These were fucking A-1 class teeth.
"Tehy reeahlehy heve nhaice teueth," thought the young hobbit.
These thoughts of elvish teeth began to, shall we say, turn the halfling's crank. With his crank becoming more and more turned with every dental related mental image floating around in his head, Pippin realised he had something he could occupy himself with.
His hands had nearly crept into his pants when the door of the room was flung open. "Hullo, Pip," said Merry, as he bounded in.
"Ach, yae scarrad meh ther, yae daeid." Merry blinked for a few moments as he tried to decipher what his cousin had said. "Yae cudduv knokked, yae kennve, och!"
"Oh, uh, sure, I will," replied Merry, fairly sure of what the hobbit now glaring at him had said. Sighing, Pippin got up from the bed and headed for the door. "Ahm gewing fer ah wahlk."
--
Pippin wandered around Rivendell for a while, until he decided to get some food and eat. Because, you know, hobbits eat a lot and stuff.
He found the kitchen without much trouble, but it was strangely empty. Unbeknownst to him, the elvish chefs were having an orgy with elvish farmers that afternoon. All the tabletops were unfortunately too high for Pippin to reach anything, so he decided to look for foodstuffs in the pantry that were maybe stored low to the ground or something.
Carefully pushing the door to the pantry open, Pippin was surprised to hear noises coming from inside the food storage area. "Ahh, meybe summun'll beh yin thar soh aye ken git sum fudd er summit."
Pippin peered inside the dark pantry, and to his surprise found the lord of Rivendell amorously engaged with some sort of food product. "Ehh, wehts hey doewing?" wondered the halfling. Elrond turned around at the sound, as Pippin had apparently spoken aloud without meaning to.
"Erk!" squeaked Elrond, much like a mouse, except he wasn't actually a rodent or anything.
"Eh, hellew," said Pippin. "Um, you saw nothing," muttered the half-elf as he tried to clean up the waybread. "Ahk," said Pippin, as he realised what was going on, "yew donnae hafta haide iht, ahm raendier thaneh doeun ahu tadnd ohv auhna dauudr in tae sumer mhaiself!"
Elrond blinked.
"Och, jest fock mei!" exclaimed the hobbit as he jumped into the bare elf lord's lap. This leaping threw Elrond off balance, and ass over teakettle they both tumbled backwards behind some shelves, or whatever it is elves use to organise foodstuffs, and onto a lumpy form.
"What's this lumpy form beneath me?" muttered Elrond to himself, almost completely forgetting about the halfling madly humping his leg as his annoyance with lumpy forms took over (an automatic reaction many had suggested he talk to someone about).
"Legolas!" exclaimed the elf lord, realising who it was, "why are you being a lumpy form?" When no reply was forthcoming from the blonde elf, Elrond poked the still individual. "Oh dear," said Elrond, "I do believe he's dead."
"Ach, shud tha stup ahr fahn?" asked Pippin. "I suppose not," concluded Elrond, and began molesting the hobbit.
"OCH, EHLROHND," cried Pippin, madly thrusting like a machine that is used for thrusting. "OOHHHH, yeh haev beeutifal teehth, ACHHHHHH, EHLROND" cried Pippin. "I know," grinned Elrond, "they my are favourite feature. Of Me." "Och, meh tew," giggled Pippin.
Then some lembas fell on them from the shelf above.
"Occhhchh, wher cuvverd ihn bred er summat," panted Pippin between thrusts. "Ohhhhh, I knooooooow," moaned the elf lord. "Ach, yew haev beauutiful teth," cried Pippin. "You already said," murmered Elrond seductivly, even though he didn't have to be seductive because they were already fucking and whatnot.
"Achhh, theh maek meh hawt, liek wahn aye wes ferst gheeting fuzzeir ihn paerts!" And then, still covered in elvish waybread, Pippin began to thrust against Elrond's teeth.
"Ow," said Legolas, suddenly becoming less dead underneath them. "That hurts." The blonde elf blinked and, after a few moments of realising what was going on, politely returned to being deceased.
Elrond licked his lips, and Pippin came in a burst of massive proportions. "OCH AHH DAUUNE YUAN GETTE DOUH DOUUJ DOR KELL KEN OCH!" cried the hobbit. Becoming hard once again, almost instantly (because aside from being eating machines, hobbits are also LOVE MACHINES) Pippin said, "Och, ets ah shaem tae leht teh blondie elflad tae gew tae whaste..."
"Are you suggesting we ravish Legolas's corpse?" asked the elf lord with a raised eyebrow. "Yaes," answered Pippin, with a firm nod. "Ok," answered Elrond, who would have added a thumbs up hand with a green sleeve had he been posting a comment in a certain online journal community that shall remain nameless.
"Oh, do you have to?" whined Legolas, popping back to life, "I just got my hair clean from Gimli's... soup... that he... spilled on me... during lunch." "Be quiet, you!" hissed Elrond. "Fine," sighed Legolas, going back to decomposing once again.
Then Britney Spears arrived.
Then she left.
"How odd," thought Elrond to himself. The elf and halfling began violating the corpse (had Elrond been Japanese, he would have called it an "utsukushii shikabane," except that Legolas wasn't actually at the point of being bones yet. Um. Anyway.) and more lembas fell on them, until they were almost entirely covered in it. Finally, they both reached their climaxes.
"OHH," yelled Elrond. "ACCHHHHHH," screamed Pippin.
They leaned back to relax in the waybread.
"Och," smiled Pippin. "Indeed," agreed Elrond.
"Ai," whined Legolas, coming to life once again. "Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai!" The blonde fretted at the state of his hair. "Aiiiiiii..."
Then Gimli walked in.
"Och," said the dwarf with a frown, sounding not unlike Pippin except for his voice being more deep and actually completely different, "are you being a corpse again?"
"Yes," muttered Legolas.
"You promised," said the dwarf, and then realised there were a halfling and elf beside Legolas covered in bodily fluids and waybread.
"I know," said Legolas, and seeing where the dwarf's eyes had landed, added, "Um, that was not my idea." "I believe you," said the dwarf. "AI!" cried Legolas, and lept into Gimli's arms.
"Och," said Gimli, and died.
"Ai," cried Legolas, realising he had crushed the smaller humanoid, "AII AIII AIIIIII!" Then he became a corpse again.
"They'll do that for hours," sighed Elrond as he rolled his eyes and indicated the dead humanoids with a gesture only Bakshi would attept to rotoscope.
"Aye, lits git claened oop," nodded Pippin, and was helped up by Elrond. They went off to do so, leaving a trail of lembas.
Eventually Gimli began breathing again. "Och," he muttered, "silly elf." Sensing his companion's renewed non-deadness, Legolas popped back to life himself.
"Ai," cried the elf with glee, and began ravishing the dwarf, heedless of the open pantry door.
Then Britney Spears returned.
She fell over.
Then she left again.
--
But, secretly... SOMEONE HAD BEEN WATCHING ALL THAT WAS GOING ON!
"Eheheh," laughed Gandalf to himself, as he snuck away.
- THE END -