Seven Year Slayer Chapter 4

Story outline: Seven years is a long time to slay. Something's gotta change!

Timeline: A few months into an imaginary season 7; Spike is back with a soul; Willow learning to be a good witch; Giles in Sunnydale

Spoilers: Rumors of season 7

Summary: Vampire Slayer lore; Spike and Buffy talk

Disclaimer: All ME

"Um, Spike? Can I ask you a question?"

"I s'pose, " Spike said guardedly. "It's not as if you'll stop if I say no, is it? "

"Remember the other night? Slayers and Vampires? Eros and Tantalus?"

Spike smiled slightly. "Uh huh."

"Well, what do vampires want sex with slayers for? What's in it for them?"

Spike walked on silently for a while, skirting a few gravestones. "Well, 's far as I know, vampires mostly don't want it. They want blood, not sex. From humans, that is. Not that it never happens, mind you. It's just not their main goal."

"Oh." Buffy digested this for a few moments. "Why do…did you want it?"

"Dunno." Spike shrugged. "The chip maybe. And it was only you. Haven't shagged a human being in donkey's years."

"You only killed the other slayers?"

"Yeah. Told you, didn't I?"

Buffy felt perplexed. "So… it wasn't true then, what you said about love and death?"

A deep sigh from Spike. "Buffy – sex is not love. And…I was trying to avoid the issue a bit. First, I loved you, and from that followed the sex."

"Loved? Past tense?" Buffy felt hurt in spite of herself.

"Buffy – we're not talking about me present tense. 'Cause I don't want to. I'll talk in general, to help you, but that is far as it goes." Another sigh. Spike sat down on a low crypt. "Remember Angel? Was he drawn to you or not? Wasn't that love? Poor bloke had some bad luck, which prevented anything growing from it. But I'd say that was your perfect example of a vampire being drawn to a Slayer. And Dracula?"

"Angel had a soul. Would he even react like a normal vampire?"

"A soul is not that big a deal, Slayer. Makes you realize what's right from wrong, but you can still be evil if you want to. You should know that!"

He's calling me "Slayer' again, Buffy thought. He's starting to back out. "Actually, I don't, Spike. I've never not had a soul, and the only person that I know in both states, so to speak, was pretty different with than without."

"Bloody Peaches."

"Back to you, Spike. No more skirting round the subject. You really think the only reason you started to love a Slayer was the chip?"

"Buffy, you may find this hard to understand in your quest for academic knowledge, but this is actually very personal for me! I'm not gonna bare my soul so you can do a little spell, get it? I started to love you, who knows why, and the rest followed."

"Doesn't sound very romantic!"

"Thought you didn't care for romance with vampires, love."

Bollocks! That "love" slipped out. Best bugger off, then.

Buffy smiled. "I like it when you call me that, Spike. Now."

That stopped him. "Huh. The soul makes a difference then?"

"Of course it does, " Buffy said. "Remember you know who?"

Spike shook his head. "I'm the same person, Buffy. I still did all those things, and I could still do them. Or want to, anyway."

"Not doing them matters, Spike. Everybody thinks of doing bad things, but only the people that actually do them are evil!"

"Still thinkin' in black and white, Buffy? The world 's gray, you know. When you grow older you'll get that."

"Yeah, as if you're so mature!" Buffy retorted, stung. "You've lived like a bum for hundred years! You know all about maturity, do you?"

"I think this conversation is over, Slayer, " Spike said." Pick my brain some other time." He got up from the crypt and started walking away.

"You are so aggravating!"

"Nothing's changed then, eh?" Spike said without looking back.

Buffy hurried after him, determined not to let go until she had some answers. She grabbed his arm and tried to walk alongside him. "Okay Spike, you set the rules, just so long as you keep talking."

Spike looked down on her, bitterly amused. "Never thought I'd hear you say that!"

"Yeah yeah, gloat already!" Buffy looked up at his face, seeing the muscles still bunched at his jaw. Still not amused, she thought. "Come on, Spike, talk to me about Eros and the other one. Explain it to me in short words. The vampire viewpoint part, because I get the Slayer part."

"Do you now? You've actually accepted your dark side? The side of you that likes vampires and danger and spicy sex?"

Buffy put her chin up and faced him. "I think so", she said defiantly. "I'm a killer; I get off on it; and if I ever love someone, the sex will not be vanilla. So what?"

"Brave words. Maybe you even believe them. And who will you love?" Not something he'd intended to say!

"I don't know. Lot's of vampires in this world, right?"

The moment the flippant words left her mouth she knew she blew it. Spike stalked off without a word.

Shit. That must have hurt, she thought. Foot in mouth Slayer this time. I didn't mean to hurt him. What must he be thinking?

Bloody bitch! Anyone rather than me! Doesn't care about souls, or people being vampires; as long as it isn't Spike. Bloody hell! Why did I ever agree to talk to her! He'd give anything not to have heard this. Angrily he wiped his eyes. Bloody puppy that you are! She'll never love you; get that through your thick skull!

Buffy contemplated returning home for a moment, but decided against it. The longer she waited apologizing, the worse it would get. She caught up with Spike again.

"Spike, stop, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that…" Buffy's voice trailed off when she saw the devastated look in Spike's eyes,. She put her hand on his arm again.

"For God's sake, Slayer, can't you leave me alone in my misery? You've just about left nothing of me; can't I have some privacy and dignity? Do you have to know all about the funny vampire who fell in love with the Slayer and got a soul for her, so you can tell your friends and have a good laugh about it?"

Buffy looked shattered. "Spike – what are you saying? You got a soul for me?"

"Are you dense? What else would I want a bloody soul for? So I could brood like the poofter?"

Buffy looked away from the pain in his face, but she couldn't turn away from her own feelings. She didn't know exactly what to name them, but they felt huge and they were blocking her throat.

"Spike, I don't know what to say, "she croaked." It's so…" She gestured helplessly.

"Doesn't matter anymore, Buffy. It's done. Just turned out different than I expected. What else is new, eh? I understand now why you can't love me. Things I did…and probably would again."

Spike looked at her stricken face. "Not your fault. Casualty of love, that sort of thing. You heard enough? I'd like to go now. You know, to my basement, contemplate my sins?"

"No, Spike, sit. If we have to be here all night, we're going to talk. Painful or not."

He sat, limp and defeated. "You're so relentless, Buffy. I really don't want his. The soul is killing me, and thinking about you makes it worse. Is that so hard to get? Or isn't that real enough for you?"

"I'm so sorry."

"Buffy, you know what 's worse than being a jilted lover? Someone who's to be pitied. I don't want your pity." She looked at him with these big eyes. He spelled it out.

"Leave me be?"