Seven Year Slayer Chapter 8
Story outline: Seven years is a long time to slay. Something's gotta change!
Timeline: Some months into an imaginary season 7; Spike is back with a soul; Willow learning to be a good witch; Giles in Sunnydale
Summary: Buffy has a bloody revelation
Spoilers: Rumors about season 7
Disclaimer: All ME
The following day, Buffy went to watch Dawn's training session. She wanted to observe without their knowledge, so she slipped in the back door of the training room.
Dawn and Spike had already started.
Buffy saw only Spike. He was dressed in a gray tank top and sweatpants. The color brought out his pale skin and bleached hair in a completely different way than his usual black. He looked like a Greek god in sweats.
She watched them spar. Spike made the fighting look like dancing, every turn and kick were consummately graceful. Buffy drank in the way his muscles moved under his skin when he flexed his arms, and his buttocks bunched when he sprang. He executed a jump and turn, looking at Dawn over his shoulder. He called out instructions to her, laughing at her retorts. He seemed relaxed and happy, dodging the stray sunbeams of the late afternoon.
Buffy felt as if she'd been kicked in the stomach. Spike never acted this playful around her anymore. She stuffed her fist in her mouth to keep from sobbing.
How could he, when she loved him so much? The realization hit her like a hammer blow.
How could she have been so stupid? So blind? That lump in her innards had been love? And now it was too late, Spike didn't even look at her anymore!
Buffy hunched over in pain, silently crying.
"Buffy, is that you? " Giles called. "I thought I heard something. Buffy? Is something the matter? "
"Please…" Buffy lifted a tearstained face. "I don't want them to see me!"
"They're gone, we're alone."
Buffy wept on Giles' chest. "O Giles, I've been so stupid, and now it's too late, and I love him so much. I don't know what to do!"
Giles sighed and patted her shoulder. "I take it we're talking about Spike?"
"Uh-huh," Buffy mumbled into his sweater.
"You don't think he's in love with Dawn, do you? Because I haven't seen any sign of that. He acts more like a father, or an elder brother."
"No, no, I didn't mean that… he just hardly talks to me anymore, he doesn't laugh, doesn't look at me… " Buffy started crying again.
"Buffy, we're talking about a…man , albeit a vampire, who's been patiently and persistently wooing you for years. He even went so far as to get a soul – to become more worthy of you, I've always presumed. He may not be in a good place right now, but why would he stop loving you all of a sudden? Have you even told Spike you love him? "
Buffy shook her head. "I realized it only just now…seeing him training with Dawn, having fun… I don't see that side of him anymore… I guess I'm jealous. I tried to be friends again, but he didn't want to play."
Giles looked at her over his glasses. "If I loved a woman, I wouldn't settle for being her friend either!"
He shook his head. "I can't believe I'm giving you love counsel: how to date a vampire!"
Buffy managed a laugh through her tears. "I can't believe I'm telling you this! It must be so boring, all these clueless youngsters with the love problems! "
"Not boring at all, Buffy. After all, we still don't have a clue who's fated to be your Eternal Champion!"
"You still think it could be Spike?"
"A most unlikely choice, I would have thought not so long ago – a vampire! But now, with all these hints about Slayers and Vampires in the scrolls, these strange tales you've been telling me about energy spells – about which I'm sure you've hardly told me everything – " Buffy blushed. "I thought so! - We should look into that! Still – not the shining hero we had in mind, is he? "
"Oh. " Buffy said in a small voice. "So no need to tell Spike, I guess. He might still get booted out for the Eternal chump."
"Your decision, Buffy, " was Giles' response.
"Yay to the choices of adulthood. Make your own mistakes, make them again and again, and then it's too late and you have to make do with some do-gooder creep, " Buffy said morosely.
Giles started to leave, but paused in the doorway to add some last words: "My advice in matters of the heart is, that honesty is usually the best course of action."
"And with that parting shot, he went back to his love-free, problem-free life, leaving Buffy to her own devices!" Buffy called after him, but got no answer.
"Honesty? Okay, I can do honesty… I think… Once more unto the breach, she said!"
She put on her determined face and set off for Spike's place.
********
"Knock knock! Hello-o Spike, can I come in? " Buffy called out politely, remembering past behavior.
There was no answer. She decided to go in anyway.
Spike was apparently about to shower. He was dressed only in his gray sweatpants.
"You look good in gray, " Buffy said inanely.
"You came to tell me that?" Spike asked, eyebrows raised. He turned his back on her. Such a beautiful, touchable back, Buffy thought. She wished she could run her hands over his skin again. She wished she'd appreciated it a little more at the time.
"I…I have to tell you something, Spike. It's important. To me. " She took a deep breath.
"Spike, I think I love you."
Spike turned and stood stock still, staring at her open-mouthed.
Buffy continued with some difficulty: "I thought I should tell you. I know last year you would have been really happy to hear this. I hope it is not too late?"
God, that was awful, she thought. It was so much easier when he did the talking!
Spike finally spoke. "Well, yeah, it bloody well is too late!" he exploded. "Why tell me now? What's the point? So we can have a relationship for all of three weeks, before you ride off into the sunset with your holy bloody knight? I'm not settling for that!" He slammed his fist against the wall, leaving a deep crack.
"God! You bloody women! Don't recognize a good thing when you have it, and when you can't have it anymore, you want it! I'm bloody well not going to love you anymore!"
Buffy's eyes started to drip tears and her lips wobbled. She reached out to him.
"Please, Spike, can't we just try? I don't care about the eternal stuff, I'll just stay in Sunnydale with you!" She was begging; how more honest could you get?
Spike grabbed her shoulders. "Buffy, I'm not sodding standing in the way of your destiny! You deserve it!"
"What if I sodding want you to!" Buffy cried out desperately. His hands on her shoulders felt like heaven, like they were melting right through her. She wanted to disappear in those hands and never come out again.
"No, Buffy, I won't, not again. Like I said before, all or nothing!"
"But I'll give you all!" Buffy cried. "We can be together forever! "
"And sentence you to Sunnydale forever? Not going to do that, love, not gonna to screw up your life even more."
"And this is not gonna screw it up? Why are you making this decision for me? Are you like Riley, like Angel, like Giles, deciding to walk away for my own good? You always let me make my own choices before!" She looked up imploringly.
Spike pushed her away. He sank into a chair with his face in his hands." Please go away, Buffy."
Suddenly Buffy knew exactly what he was feeling. "You're lying!" she said. You still feel guilty about the bathroom thing. You think you're not worthy! And you're covering with this crap about my destiny. Well, grow up! I've forgiven you. You should forgive yourself! "
The door slammed.
Spike looked up. Buffy was gone. He sagged in relief and crossed the room to pour himself a whiskey with trembling hands. That had been close.