Title: I don't know how to love him: Interlude 1
Author: Am-Chau Yarkona
Rating: PG
Category: Romance
Pairing: Spike/Giles (tending William/Rupert)
Summary: Song-fic, same song as the title. I feel sure this has been done before, for one pairing or another, but this is my take on it for this pairing.
Note: Lyrics from http://www.jcsarchive.8m.com/, with many thanks. Spike POV.
Spoilers: For seasons 4,5, and 6.
Timing: July 2002? Soon after season 6 ends.

It's like the chit sang.

"I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else."

Barring the fact that I can't see myself, that's spot on. This new soul has really messed me up, and I think I am a different person. I'm truly William again- he called me that before, but now it's for real. I only hope his feelings haven't changed.

"I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more."

Just one more- but more than that. No other man is like him. When I look back of the loves of my life and unlife- Elizabeth, when we were only seven; Cecily, when I was old enough for rejection to really hurt; Drusilla, the woman who gave me eternal life, who loved me as only she could; Angelus, who taught me what I needed to know, my Sire- emotionally, if not in fact; Dalton, my sidekick and help-mate, when Dru was ill and I needed strength only he could give; my infuation with Buffy- there is a pattern, of sorts. They all were supiour to me, even the one I dominated. They were a class above me, at at school or socially, physically or mentally, in age or wisdom. They see things I don't, sometimes litarally, sometimes metaphorically, but only Rupert Giles has ever offered to share that knowledge with me.

"Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?"

I told him before, so it's not like it's a real surprise: he knows I used to love him, but since then he's been betrayed- by me, no less. I sold them out to Adam, because I couldn't cope with the emotional effects of being good. I slept with Harmony, with Buffy and with Anya- what's a creature of the night if he can't suduce young girls? Okay, young women. I did and do love Buffy, but I can see that what I did hurt her more than my poncey Sire ever did, so I curb my impluses and care for her safety, not her satisfaction. I like Anya, but she seems to want to be with Xander, and I don't like her that much. I'm so confused- what do I do?

"I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?"

It's about needing him, it's about wanting someone to care again, it's about wanting to make amends for what I did. It's about whether he'll take me back.

"Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so."

That's not always true: I try to run the show, but it doesn't always work. He scares me, though, because if he doesn't take me back, I'll kill him. No- I'll kill myself. I could never bring myself to hurt him, even if it was possible with this damn chip.

"I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I'd be lost. I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head. I'd back away.
I wouldn't want to know."

I guess I just have to try. He understands so much, he might know what to do. If I don't try, I'll never forgive myself.

"He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so."