Title: I asked my own heart: Interlude 2
Author: Am-Chau Yarkona
Rating: PG
Pairing: Giles/Spike (tending Rupert/William)
Category: Songfic, a slip-in section of a series
Timing: Post season six, following AU previously established.
Summary: William has succeeded in re-kindling the relationship, and Giles takes time to time about it.
Notes: Not my characters or my song. Lyrics from http://www.geocities.com/centigrade_j/translations/love2000.htm, with many thanks. No, I don't speak Japanese or even know this song, I just really needed some lyrics to write around and Yahoo turned up trumps.

"I asked my own heart, "where does love come from?"
I don't have any interest in "fake things", I only wanna see what's real."

Is my love for William real? I've felt it all along, and it hurt me deeply when he betrayed me, first to Adam, then by ignoring me for Harmony: then by sleeping with me and refusing to admit he felt anything for me- then, in my absence, sleeping with (well, I doubt they did much sleeping, but I'm English, and she's like a daughter to me. I don't have to deal with it) Buffy, and Anya.

"I'm sick of the depressing news and stories that have nothing to do with me
since today the wind feels especially nice, I change into a happy mood."

They are all quite capable of handling things now- Buffy can help Willow enough to get her through from here, and with Anya to help kill demons they are quite an effective team. I'm not needed here any more.

"I didn't notice, I must've been naive.
so I want to try to love myself and other people too.

My dreams just blow up bigger and bigger, so I've ignored others feelings.
I wonder if someday I'll understand, The balloon I let go of flew away."

I let go of William, because I couldn't deal with my feelings, and he went over to the other side. The others had accepted the idea that I loved him, but in the end I kept pushing him away. It was too soon after Jenny, after Olivia, too much like Ethan all over again, and I couldn't cope with being hurt.

"even though I exaggerate (my age) I can't go back to that time,
so I want to be recognized now.
Even if I overlook the things most precious to me, I can just go and find them again"

Well, sometimes I can. William is one of the most precious things I've ever been privileged to have- his love is deep, and before I rejected him it was true.
He must have thought I didn't love him. It wasn't that I did- I did, I do- but that I wasn't ready for it. With Buffy's training to attend to, the Magic Box to care for, and his growing affection for my Slayer, not to mention the other troubles in our lives (and unlives) it was all just too much for me.

I always said, "que cera cera" (whatever will be will be)
but there are some things that will never be no matter how much you try."

I thought it was that way with him, after Adam, after he went for Buffy again, after I went back to England. It couldn't be- how could he still love me? We would sleep together occasionally, when we needed company, but it didn't really work because neither of us felt we could be honest. I was afraid he might lead me back to my dark side, make me into Ripper just as Ethan did. I was in enough danger of that when Buffy was dead anyway. Perhaps only Willow really appreciates how much danger I was in, since she's the one who fell.

"I asked my own heart, "where does love come from?"
Various things change little by little but, it means I exist here."

I love him, and I must tell him: but I must also go back to England. Willow needs me there.

"I didn't expect it to be this way, a fairy tale that's all over the place.
like a riddle, the importance of loving someone is not just fate,
or even about sentimentality, I guess its something that's strong and unseen."

He has a soul now. That is a true surprise, and that fact that he went through trials to get it, made up his mind and went, is both impressive and almost frightening. If he can get a soul just by setting his mind to it, what can't he get if he tries?

"I asked my own heart, "where does love come from?"
You won't know how strong the attraction of an encounter with your love is
until you take a bite out of love."

I love him, and he loves me. We have a long way to go, but the possibility exists that we will succeed. I have to give it a try. If I don't try, I will never be able to forgive myself.

"I asked my own heart, "where does love come from?"
I'm not interested in fakes, I only wanna find the real thing.
I've looked for you for a long time."