Title: For better, for worse (1/3)
Author: Am-Chau Yarkona
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Giles/Spike
Category: Angst, h/c, with mild silly moments.
Timing: Post Season Six. Follows on from the season 4 AU establised in "In Sickness and In Health", contiued in two song fics and 'Perfect Romances' ('Buffy and Clem: the First Cuddle' and 'Party people') not to mention 'Family Matters'.
Summary: They're in love. Caring happens, romance begins, wackiness ensues.
Disclaimer: Joss is God, the Grr Argh monster is scary, I don't own any of them, and I promise I won't torture them with hot pokers or sell them into slavery.
Chapter One- Morning
The Hyperion hotel. Late morning, after the reunion of Family Matters.
William:
Bang, bang. I'm getting desperate here- the girl's door may be on the shady side of the place, tehnically, but at this time in the morning the filtered sunlight is too bright for comfort. Bang.
"Spike?" she says, peering under my grey blanket and looking surprised. With good reason I might add- it's broad daylight, granted, but we're indoors.
"Yeah, it's me. Do you think I could come in, Red? 'Cos it's getting kind of hot out here."
"Oh, yes. Come in."
"Who is it, my pretty?" a former girlfriend of mine calls from inside somewhere.
"It's Spike." Drusilla appears in the doorway, curiosity plain on her face. Willow points me in the direction of one of their softer chairs and I sit, shedding my blanket, while she goes off to hunt for something.
"Why are you here?" Dru asks, seating herself beside me.
"Didn't want to stay at in my room." Why should I tell them what happened?
"Oh- why not?" she asks, childlike as ever.
"Don't you know that curiosity killed the cat?" I snap, and regret it a moment later when she looks cowed- I still love her, deep down inside- but Willow steps in on her behalf, so I concentrate on not telling them anything I don't want them to know.
"It still has eight lives left, though. Would you like a cookie, Dru? Spike?"
We both accept cookies, and Willow takes one for herself before sitting down. I chew slowly, hoping to use it as an excuse not to say anything. Unfortunately, the silence- and the cookie- doesn't last long enough.
"How's Giles?" Willow asks- a fair question, but one I really don't want to answer right now.
"Not dead." True enough; he might be plotting ways to bring my death about, but he's still alive and well.
"And how are things between you and him?" Dru is supremely gifted with the ability to ask the questions you don't want to hear, probably aided by the voices in her head.
I scowl, which they rightly interpret as being their answer.
"An argument?" Willow guesses. Damn, that girl is clever.
"Tell us," Dru urges. "Tell us, my Spike."
"Talk about it? Okay then. I had a dream about Angelus. I went to check on Angel. Giles got jealous, several random accusations concerning remote controls, smoking, and not doing the washing up were made, I grabbed a blanket and walked out, and here I am."
"Not exactly a full account," comments Willow, "but it'll do. What did you dream about Angelus?"
"I dreamt he was Angelus again. That's all." It's far from all, and she knows it, but they don't have to hear about how I had a nightmare about the a recurrence of the post-Buffy Angelus, rapeing me because I didn't keep Dru by my side for him to take away again.
"And is he?" the redhead is asking.
"No." Keep it short and simple. Maybe you should have gone to Alice. She might understand.
"Does Giles know why you went?"
"I think so. Well, sort of. He asked where I'd been, and I said 'Angel,' then he asked why and I said 'because I needed to see him'. I think that's the bit he took amiss- I meant 'see him to check he's Angel not Angelus' but he must have thought. I don't know what. After that we got straight into the hurling insults part." I swear these two girls are the reincarnations of my older sisters. They could always get me to tell them everything I didn't want them to know, just by a little persistence and sympathy. You think I would have learnt- but then, I guess these two aren't going to use it to blackmail me for the pennies I earned running errands.
"Well, I'll tell you what I think. I think you should go back to Giles, apologise, and explain, and then I'm sure you'll be all right again." Willow says.
"I didn't ask what you thought I should do."
"No, but I told you anyway. Go now."
"Not yet."
"Why not?"
Gods, she is persistent. Because I have to deal with how I feel about Angel, first, but I'm damned if I'm saying that. "Because I have to deal with my feelings for Angel first," I hear myself saying. Oh, demon, right? Damned already.
"And how do you propose to do that?"
I have no idea. What I want to do is cry "Dru turned me but he was my Sire and he left me," and burst into tears, but that would sound ridiculously like harmony again, and ... Given where I am, I suspect I will- and I turn out to be right. It's nice to be able to predict what you're going to do sometimes.
What is it about Red, comforting me? When Dru left me that first time, when I found out I was chipped, before I knew Rupert loved me, and now, when he and I have argued and I'm confused about Angel/us into the bargain, she's the one I end up with. Perhaps- if HTML code and romantic poetry can be compared- it's our shared heritage as geeks who are trying to be normal people, struggling to maintain our places as non-nerds.
"Tell me how you feel about Angel- calmly, this time," Willow prompts when I have finished sobbing, so I try. Slowly, choosing my words with as much care as I can manage, starting at the beginning with some background thrown in, I tell her.
"When you're turned by a member of a vampire order like ours, there are certain things you have to be taught. It's the difference between a minion, the kind of vampire you lot stake every night, and Childe, the kind who knows when to run away.
"Now, Dru turned me," it seems I can say her name to Willow with scarcely a pause, "albeit pretty incompetently." I catch Willow's blank look and explain. "When you're a vampire and you're turning a human, you have to suck their blood until you feel their heart slowing, then feed them yours. The idea, if you read up on it in my complex books, is to have them swallow their first mouthful of blood at much the same time as their heart beats for the last time. It seems Dru misjudged the strength of my heart, and it got in two beats after my first mouthful of her blood. That didn't stop me becoming a vampire, but it did mean I kept more of my human traits than many vampires do. I still loved my parents and sisters, for instance- I was still capable of that love, and still am." Where is Dru now, anyway? I hope she didn't hear that lot.
"I see," Willow says.
"Explains a lot of things, doesn't it?" I grin wryly. "Anyway, Dru turned me, but- well, you know Dru, she's very clever but she couldn't teach a person how to find their arse with both hands, let alone the finer points of rituals and strategy. So Darla, good old traditionalist that she was, insisted Angelus, my Sire's Sire, take over and teach me to always guard my perimeter and all that crap. So Dru turned me, but Angelus was my Sire, and stupid feeling idiot that I am, I loved him for it. You know all those Star Wars geeks who write Yoda/Obi-Wan smut and post it on the web?
"Well, if Yoda was a bastard who enjoyed torture- and okay, this metaphor doesn't go far, but it kind of works, because if he was like Angelus, those geeks would be right. Because he was technically my Sire, as well as Dru, they both had rights to my body, and neither of them would turn down a free fuck. So first I loved him, then I school myself to dislike him for what he does to me, then he leaves, and when he comes back he only wants to take Dru from me.
"Then he goes back to wanting forgiveness, and I just can't give that. But paradoxically, I still want him to care, to say, "well done, boy," like he used to, to be the Angelus I loved, and tell me that I'm doing well, I'm doing the right things." My throat suddenly constricts on the final sentence, and I decided that now is a really great time to shut up.
Why do I feel this confused? Why, for that matter, have I just broken down and cried in front of Willow? (Not like I haven't done that before, but still.) Some of it is this soul, the extra intensity of feeling which I am learning to cope with again- I have definitely got a poet's soul, William's or not- but there is something else. Something is wrong, but I can't pin down just what.
I am distracted from what I can only call my brooding when Dru comes back in.
"That was Giles outside," she says, quietly, surprising sane, "He got worried when you ran out on him like that."
"Yeah, well, bugger always worries, doesn't he."
"With reason," Willow adds, firmly. "I'd worry if Dru ran away from me, especially in broad daylight." They share a sappy smile at that.
I restrain myself from heaving- barely- and say, "Well, his fault. He's the one who got all upset about me going to my Sire."
"It may be his fault, but he'd like to make amends," Dru puts in. "I've told him he can come in, so we can make this right again. I don't like to see my Spike all teary."
That's the last thing I need. I open my mouth, intending to bawl Dru out for it, but instead all I make is a low moan. I'm tired of this. My head aches from crying and thinking and whirling ideas that need sorting out. My body is still sore from the run through Sunnydale's sunny streets, and my heart aches because the last thing I wanted to do when I went to get this soul was hurt any of the people I love: Rupert most of all. Force (since we're on Wars anyway)- what did I do wrong?
I let my head sag forward onto the table and shut my eyes.
"Spike?"
"Spike, are you okay?" Worried voices, but I can't bring myself to care. If I just ignore them, ignore Giles, ignore the world, it will all go away until I can get to Angel, be in my Sire's arms where everything is simple. Dru may be here, but it isn't the same- she wasn't in my dream at all.
"Got to see Angel," I mutter. "He's going through this too."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Something strange is going on, Giles. The dream Spike had- it means something. A vampire is very close to their Sire- remember what Cordy told us about Darla and Angel? Well, I doubt Spike and Angel are that close, but there is a link there. I think you have to take him and talk to Alice, as soon as possible."
"Are you telling me what to do, Willow Rosenberg?"
"Yes, she is. And I'm agreeing. You have to sort it out between you and him and Angel, and you have to do it soon." Giles doesn't sound like he wants to argue with Dru, even if she is chipped now. Sensible man.
I'm not really equip to deal with life yet- my brain just wants to slide into the murky go of sleep again- but I summon the energy to mummer, "Yes, with Angel," before I submit once more.
Author: Am-Chau Yarkona
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Giles/Spike
Category: Angst, h/c, with mild silly moments.
Timing: Post Season Six. Follows on from the season 4 AU establised in "In Sickness and In Health", contiued in two song fics and 'Perfect Romances' ('Buffy and Clem: the First Cuddle' and 'Party people') not to mention 'Family Matters'.
Summary: They're in love. Caring happens, romance begins, wackiness ensues.
Disclaimer: Joss is God, the Grr Argh monster is scary, I don't own any of them, and I promise I won't torture them with hot pokers or sell them into slavery.
Chapter One- Morning
The Hyperion hotel. Late morning, after the reunion of Family Matters.
William:
Bang, bang. I'm getting desperate here- the girl's door may be on the shady side of the place, tehnically, but at this time in the morning the filtered sunlight is too bright for comfort. Bang.
"Spike?" she says, peering under my grey blanket and looking surprised. With good reason I might add- it's broad daylight, granted, but we're indoors.
"Yeah, it's me. Do you think I could come in, Red? 'Cos it's getting kind of hot out here."
"Oh, yes. Come in."
"Who is it, my pretty?" a former girlfriend of mine calls from inside somewhere.
"It's Spike." Drusilla appears in the doorway, curiosity plain on her face. Willow points me in the direction of one of their softer chairs and I sit, shedding my blanket, while she goes off to hunt for something.
"Why are you here?" Dru asks, seating herself beside me.
"Didn't want to stay at in my room." Why should I tell them what happened?
"Oh- why not?" she asks, childlike as ever.
"Don't you know that curiosity killed the cat?" I snap, and regret it a moment later when she looks cowed- I still love her, deep down inside- but Willow steps in on her behalf, so I concentrate on not telling them anything I don't want them to know.
"It still has eight lives left, though. Would you like a cookie, Dru? Spike?"
We both accept cookies, and Willow takes one for herself before sitting down. I chew slowly, hoping to use it as an excuse not to say anything. Unfortunately, the silence- and the cookie- doesn't last long enough.
"How's Giles?" Willow asks- a fair question, but one I really don't want to answer right now.
"Not dead." True enough; he might be plotting ways to bring my death about, but he's still alive and well.
"And how are things between you and him?" Dru is supremely gifted with the ability to ask the questions you don't want to hear, probably aided by the voices in her head.
I scowl, which they rightly interpret as being their answer.
"An argument?" Willow guesses. Damn, that girl is clever.
"Tell us," Dru urges. "Tell us, my Spike."
"Talk about it? Okay then. I had a dream about Angelus. I went to check on Angel. Giles got jealous, several random accusations concerning remote controls, smoking, and not doing the washing up were made, I grabbed a blanket and walked out, and here I am."
"Not exactly a full account," comments Willow, "but it'll do. What did you dream about Angelus?"
"I dreamt he was Angelus again. That's all." It's far from all, and she knows it, but they don't have to hear about how I had a nightmare about the a recurrence of the post-Buffy Angelus, rapeing me because I didn't keep Dru by my side for him to take away again.
"And is he?" the redhead is asking.
"No." Keep it short and simple. Maybe you should have gone to Alice. She might understand.
"Does Giles know why you went?"
"I think so. Well, sort of. He asked where I'd been, and I said 'Angel,' then he asked why and I said 'because I needed to see him'. I think that's the bit he took amiss- I meant 'see him to check he's Angel not Angelus' but he must have thought. I don't know what. After that we got straight into the hurling insults part." I swear these two girls are the reincarnations of my older sisters. They could always get me to tell them everything I didn't want them to know, just by a little persistence and sympathy. You think I would have learnt- but then, I guess these two aren't going to use it to blackmail me for the pennies I earned running errands.
"Well, I'll tell you what I think. I think you should go back to Giles, apologise, and explain, and then I'm sure you'll be all right again." Willow says.
"I didn't ask what you thought I should do."
"No, but I told you anyway. Go now."
"Not yet."
"Why not?"
Gods, she is persistent. Because I have to deal with how I feel about Angel, first, but I'm damned if I'm saying that. "Because I have to deal with my feelings for Angel first," I hear myself saying. Oh, demon, right? Damned already.
"And how do you propose to do that?"
I have no idea. What I want to do is cry "Dru turned me but he was my Sire and he left me," and burst into tears, but that would sound ridiculously like harmony again, and ... Given where I am, I suspect I will- and I turn out to be right. It's nice to be able to predict what you're going to do sometimes.
What is it about Red, comforting me? When Dru left me that first time, when I found out I was chipped, before I knew Rupert loved me, and now, when he and I have argued and I'm confused about Angel/us into the bargain, she's the one I end up with. Perhaps- if HTML code and romantic poetry can be compared- it's our shared heritage as geeks who are trying to be normal people, struggling to maintain our places as non-nerds.
"Tell me how you feel about Angel- calmly, this time," Willow prompts when I have finished sobbing, so I try. Slowly, choosing my words with as much care as I can manage, starting at the beginning with some background thrown in, I tell her.
"When you're turned by a member of a vampire order like ours, there are certain things you have to be taught. It's the difference between a minion, the kind of vampire you lot stake every night, and Childe, the kind who knows when to run away.
"Now, Dru turned me," it seems I can say her name to Willow with scarcely a pause, "albeit pretty incompetently." I catch Willow's blank look and explain. "When you're a vampire and you're turning a human, you have to suck their blood until you feel their heart slowing, then feed them yours. The idea, if you read up on it in my complex books, is to have them swallow their first mouthful of blood at much the same time as their heart beats for the last time. It seems Dru misjudged the strength of my heart, and it got in two beats after my first mouthful of her blood. That didn't stop me becoming a vampire, but it did mean I kept more of my human traits than many vampires do. I still loved my parents and sisters, for instance- I was still capable of that love, and still am." Where is Dru now, anyway? I hope she didn't hear that lot.
"I see," Willow says.
"Explains a lot of things, doesn't it?" I grin wryly. "Anyway, Dru turned me, but- well, you know Dru, she's very clever but she couldn't teach a person how to find their arse with both hands, let alone the finer points of rituals and strategy. So Darla, good old traditionalist that she was, insisted Angelus, my Sire's Sire, take over and teach me to always guard my perimeter and all that crap. So Dru turned me, but Angelus was my Sire, and stupid feeling idiot that I am, I loved him for it. You know all those Star Wars geeks who write Yoda/Obi-Wan smut and post it on the web?
"Well, if Yoda was a bastard who enjoyed torture- and okay, this metaphor doesn't go far, but it kind of works, because if he was like Angelus, those geeks would be right. Because he was technically my Sire, as well as Dru, they both had rights to my body, and neither of them would turn down a free fuck. So first I loved him, then I school myself to dislike him for what he does to me, then he leaves, and when he comes back he only wants to take Dru from me.
"Then he goes back to wanting forgiveness, and I just can't give that. But paradoxically, I still want him to care, to say, "well done, boy," like he used to, to be the Angelus I loved, and tell me that I'm doing well, I'm doing the right things." My throat suddenly constricts on the final sentence, and I decided that now is a really great time to shut up.
Why do I feel this confused? Why, for that matter, have I just broken down and cried in front of Willow? (Not like I haven't done that before, but still.) Some of it is this soul, the extra intensity of feeling which I am learning to cope with again- I have definitely got a poet's soul, William's or not- but there is something else. Something is wrong, but I can't pin down just what.
I am distracted from what I can only call my brooding when Dru comes back in.
"That was Giles outside," she says, quietly, surprising sane, "He got worried when you ran out on him like that."
"Yeah, well, bugger always worries, doesn't he."
"With reason," Willow adds, firmly. "I'd worry if Dru ran away from me, especially in broad daylight." They share a sappy smile at that.
I restrain myself from heaving- barely- and say, "Well, his fault. He's the one who got all upset about me going to my Sire."
"It may be his fault, but he'd like to make amends," Dru puts in. "I've told him he can come in, so we can make this right again. I don't like to see my Spike all teary."
That's the last thing I need. I open my mouth, intending to bawl Dru out for it, but instead all I make is a low moan. I'm tired of this. My head aches from crying and thinking and whirling ideas that need sorting out. My body is still sore from the run through Sunnydale's sunny streets, and my heart aches because the last thing I wanted to do when I went to get this soul was hurt any of the people I love: Rupert most of all. Force (since we're on Wars anyway)- what did I do wrong?
I let my head sag forward onto the table and shut my eyes.
"Spike?"
"Spike, are you okay?" Worried voices, but I can't bring myself to care. If I just ignore them, ignore Giles, ignore the world, it will all go away until I can get to Angel, be in my Sire's arms where everything is simple. Dru may be here, but it isn't the same- she wasn't in my dream at all.
"Got to see Angel," I mutter. "He's going through this too."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Something strange is going on, Giles. The dream Spike had- it means something. A vampire is very close to their Sire- remember what Cordy told us about Darla and Angel? Well, I doubt Spike and Angel are that close, but there is a link there. I think you have to take him and talk to Alice, as soon as possible."
"Are you telling me what to do, Willow Rosenberg?"
"Yes, she is. And I'm agreeing. You have to sort it out between you and him and Angel, and you have to do it soon." Giles doesn't sound like he wants to argue with Dru, even if she is chipped now. Sensible man.
I'm not really equip to deal with life yet- my brain just wants to slide into the murky go of sleep again- but I summon the energy to mummer, "Yes, with Angel," before I submit once more.