THE TEMPLES OF FANFICTION
A Legend of Zelda fanfic by Mousse1/2
CHAPTER 4: DRUNKEN OXEN, POSSESSED SWANS, AND THE LUNACY MEDALLION!
Author Notes: Well, I told you that you wouldn't have to wait that long for this chapter, and so here it is! The rest of the Lunacy Temple! Ok, In the next chapter Link meets the 2nd Sage and enters the 2nd Temple, so I need a Sage to give me enough info to do the rest and make a good 3 chapters. Because now that the first Temple is over with, I'll need to be able to write up the next Temple quick! So to the Sages, decide upon which of you wants to go next! Also, no more applying for Sages please. I have decided my Angst Sage and I am currently trying to choose out of four different people for the Horror Sage. BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STILL REVIEW! And now for the disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, I only own Shika, Gossuka, the Samurai Chimps, and any other enemy that appears that has never appeared anywhere else! Now, LET THE FOURTH CHAPTER BEGIN!!!!!!
Last time, on the Temples of Fanfiction, Link ignored the words of the Dark Booming Evil Voice, and ventured forth into the Lunacy Temple, which turned out to be a giant Pepsi can. Inside, Link went from bottom to top in the first half of the can, in which he battled Stalfos, Samurai Chimps, and the evil Mini-Boss, General Squishypeels, who he defeated in order to receive the Pooper-Scooper of Power, a device which allows Link to move poop anywhere he wants, while not being able to smell it! Last time we left Link and Shika, they were about to move the giant pile of feces blocking the way to the second half of the can.
Link: Alright, we're halfway through this stupid place, now to do the other half!
Link took out the Pooper-Scooper of Power, pointed it at the giant turd blocking the way to the other side of the can, and turned it on. The Pooper Scooper started to glow red, and then the pile of crap floated in the air. Link violently swung the pooper scooper towards the other side of the room, and the poop slew to that area, leaving the passage to the other side clear.
Shika: You did it, Link! Now we can go the other side.
And Link and Shika did just that. When they were on the other side, a door closed behind them and locked, trapping them in the new side of the Temple. On the other side of the room was a door to the next room. Link looked around, and confirmed that the layout of this side was the same as the first side, with 5 bridges above them, each one connected to the next bridge via a room. Link and Shika walked through the main area to the next room. This room was fairly larger than the other rooms connecting the bridges, and there was a cage along one of the walls, although Link could not see what was inside. It was here that the Dark Booming Evil Voice returned yet again.
DBEV: SO, YOU MANAGED TO DEFEAT GENERAL SQUISHYPEELS, DID YOU? WELL, HE WAS A WEAKLING! DON'T EXPECT THE OTHER MINI-BOSS YOU FACE HERE TO BE AS EASY! IN FACT, I DOUBT YOU'LL SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO FACE HIM! YOU'RE BRAIN MUST ALREADY BE MUSH BY NOW FROM ALL OF THE INSANITY CAUSED BY THIS LOVELY TEMPLE!
Link: Nope, but you still seem to be just as cuckoo as ever.
DBEV: AGGH! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS INSULT ME LIKE THAT! NOW YOU MUST FACE THE CONTENTS OF THAT CAGE! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The cage then slowly opened, and a huge dark figured walked slowly out of the cage. Actually, it stumbled, and seemed as if it just couldn't walk straight. Finally, when it got close enough for Link to see it, Link found out what it was: a giant Ox.
Link: Giant Oxen? That's what you have to fight me? This will be easier than the Stalfos!
Shika: Wait a minute, Link! That's not your ordinary Oxen! It's..... GIANT DRUNKEN OXEN! These are oxen that are so drunk, they don't have any idea of their surroundings! Because of this, they are very unpredictable, so watch out!
Link: Heh, dodging is no problem. I can handle this!
And so the battle began. The Ox continued to stumble randomly, while Link easily dodged it and sliced it with the Master Sword. After a few minutes of this, the Ox looked as it was about to keel over, and then vomited at Link. The putrid projectile hit, causing Link to almost lose consciousness, and greatly decrease in his dexterity. Now Link could walk no straighter than the Ox, being so sick from the vomit.
Link: Ick! What was that for?
Shika: It appears as if the Ox has gone into Hangover Mode! This happens whenever a Drunken Ox is almost at the point of death, and it enables him to spit a vomit that makes the victim pass out and get crushed by the Ox!
Link: Then how come I haven't passed out yet?
Shika: It must be the Pooper-Scooper of Power! Since poop is fully digested food, and vomit is half digested food, the pooper scooper must be reacting to it at half-power!
Link: Well, then let's hope half-power is enough to get this stuff off of me!
Link tried to reach into his tunic to grab the pooper scooper, but because of his poor coordination on account of the vomit, missed. Finally, after 10 failures, and right when the Ox was about to hit Link, Link got the pooper scooper, pointed it at the vomit, and turned it on. The scooper glowed again, and Link raised the vomit off of him, and flung it away, where it hit the Ox. Now in a Hangover and covered in vomit, the Ox stopped in it's tracks and died out of pure sickness and disgust. It's remains disappeared in green smoke, all traces of the vomit vanished, and the floor moved, taking Link and Shika to the next floor.
Link: Ugh, I HATE Drunken Oxen!
Shika: Well, now it's gone, so let's go to the next room!
In the center of the next room was yet another Samurai Chimp. But, when this one stood up, not only did a Scimitar appear in each hand, but one appeared held by it's tail as well.
Link: Oh great, this one has 3 scimitars.
Shika: That's an Ultra Samurai Chimp! This one holds a third scimitar with its tail, so you can't attack it from the back like you did with the Super Samurai Chimp! Try to remember the Super Chimp's tip!
The Chimp then began it's attack, spinning wildly, creating a wild bladed tornado, which cut Link 5 times before he backed away trying to remember the tip the Super Samurai Chimp gave him.
Link: (while trying to dodge the Chimp's spinning attack) hmm, lessee, what was that tip again? Was it "When close, thou art safe, when away, thou art dead"? Yeah, I think that was it! That means if I want to win, I need to attack as close as possible!
And so, Link rushed up to the spinning Chimp to attack, but he was promptly slashed like crazy from the blades. But still, Link kept trying, and still, Link kept failing.
Shika: Link, you idiot! You got it the other way around! It's "when away, thou art safe, when close, thou art dead," remember? You need to use long-range weapons to beat it!
So, Link abruptly changed his strategy. He backed up far from the chimp, took out his Bow, and charged up a Light Arrow. Finally, when the arrow was fully charged, he fired. The arrow slipped through the scimitars for a direct hit, defeating the chimp.
Link: All that hassle, and it only took ONE LIGHT ARROW to beat him!?
Chimp: Congratulations, you have bested me in combat so now I heal you and give you this tip: When you face the next Mini-Boss, this strategy will help you succeed: When beauty is made dirty, it does not bode well in combat.
The Chimp then disappeared, and stairs appeared, leading to the third floor. Link and Shika went to the third floor, and went across the bridge to the next room. It was here that, yet again, they confronted the Dark Booming Evil Voice.
DBEV: WHAT? YOU BEST MT OXEN AND GOSSUKA'S ULTRA SAMURAI CHIMP! ARGGGGGGH! THERE IS NO WAY I AM GOING TO LET YOU ESCAPE THIS TIME! COME, ULTIMATE MOBLIN!
A giant pencil shot out from the ceiling, and out of it came a HUGE sleeping Moblin, with a REALLY REALLY HUGE spiked club.
DBEV: HAH! IT MAY BE SLEEPING, BUT WITH THE RACKET YOU MAKE WHEN YOU WALK, YOU'LL WAKE IT EASILY! NOW I'M GONNA LEAVE BEFORE YOU CALL ME INSANE AGAIN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Link: He's crazier than ever.
DBEV: I HEARD THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shika: Ok, Link, we need to walk really slowly so that we don't wake the Moblin!
Link: No we don't, that insane voice was probably trying to scare us! I've dealt with a Moblin like this, at the entrance to the Sacred Forest Meadow!
Shika: Are you sure? This one looks really big.
Link: Not a problem! All I have to do is shoot him with one of my arrows!
Link charged up an arrow and shot it at the giant Moblin. The Moblin woke up and stood up, revealing itself to be about 3 times the size of the Moblin that guarded the Sacred Forest Meadow. It looked at Link, and raised it's club high in the air
Link: Eep!
Link frantically took out his Ocarina and played Zelda's Lullaby. The Moblin went back to sleep.
Link: Well, maybe we should just walk through slowly.
Link and Shika went slowly through the room and stepped on the switch. The giant Moblin burst into flames and burned to the ashes, shrieking in pain all the way.
Link: That was all I had to do to kill this guy. Hah, these enemies are getting easier by the second! I'll defeat Gossuka in no time!
Shika: I wouldn't be so sure about that if I were you, Link. You haven't even rescued the first Sage yet! Hey, the floor's moving! We're at the fourth floor now, Link!
Link and Shika went out of the room into the fourth floor of the main chamber. And at the very end of the bridge, in front of the next room, was Gossuka.
Gossuka: So, Link, it appears as though you are about 75% through your first Temple. I didn't think you'd get this far!
Link: GOSSUKA! IT'S YOU! You rotten piece of crap! DIE!!!!!!!!!
Link rushed up to Gossuka and swung his sword, but Gossuka caught the blade in his hand. He then glowed a bright blue, and sent an electric shock through the blade and to Link. Link felt the intense pain of the electricity, and then went flying back to where he came from the huge shock that followed.
Gossuka: Hahahahahahahah! You're no match for me, Link! You are far from the point you need to be at in order to defeat my power! I could kill you now, but I think I'll have a little fun with you first. Come into the next room, if you dare!
Gossuka then walked into the next room, leaving Shika and Link on the bridge. Link, slowly got up and glared at the spot where Gossuka.
Link: Argh, that stupid Gossuka! He makes me sick! I'm going in after him!
Shika: Wait, Link, I'm coming too!
Link and Shika went into the room that Gossuka went into. It was a large room with a large pile of crap in each corner. at the other side of the room, was a platform on which rested a beautiful swan, which was sleeping. Gossuka was standing right next to the Swan.
Gossuka: So, you decided to come after all! Hmm, maybe you aren't so much of a wuss as I thought. But, anyway, do you see this swan here? This is one of my creations, Ferdinand. He was created as a perfect fighting swan. Unfortunately, he turned out to be good, and is the best friend of that wretched SS4 Psycho Link. But, after I possess it, it will be just as evil as me! Prepare to die, Link!
Gossuka then transformed into a thick smoke, which seeped into the swan's head. The swan then awakened, and glared at Link. It then stood up and flapped it's wings, and the Boss Music began to play. White letters then appeared below the swan:
MINI-BOSS 2
FERDINAND
POSSESSED GRACEFUL SWAN
The possessed Ferdinand then started to hover up into the air, followed by a quick aerial rush, which made a direct hit to Link and knocked him down. It then flew up to the ceiling, where it hovered.
Link: Why you..... I'll teach you!
Link took out his bow and fired an arrow at the swan, but Ferdinand quickly dodged it and zoomed towards Link again. Link tried to dodge, but once again got hit.
Link: Dang! He's too fast! I can't it him or dodge him!
Shika: Link, use the Pegasus Seeds! They'll make you faster so you can dodge the swan!
Link: You're right! I almost forgot about those!
Link ate a Pegasus seed, and managed to dodge the next attack, but still couldn't hit the swan with the bow. The next time Ferdinand attacked, Link dodged and tried to hit it while the swan flew by, but all Link hit was air.
Shika: Link, it's no use! Ferdinand is too fast to attack, and those arrows are too small to ensure a hit while he's hovering!
Link: (while dodging Ferdinand) You're right, I need a bigger projectile. Aha! The piles of poop! I'll try them!
Link took the pooper scooper of power and used it on one of the piles of poop. He levitated it, and when Ferdinand started to hover, Link hit it with the poop. The swan, disgusted with its beauty ruined, fell down in shock. Link ran up to hit it while it was down, but the swan was too quick for him. However, Link noticed that Ferdinand was moving slower than before.
Link: Oh, I get it! It's like what that chimp said! When beauty is made dirty, it does not bide well in combat! The more poop I get on him, the slower he gets!
While Link was busy talking, Ferdinand had flown up to the ceiling again, and had been doing strange movements with his wings. As soon as Link finished his talking, Ferdinand shot some of his feathers at Link, piercing his skin.
Link: OW! YOU STUPID SWAN! TAKE THIS!
Link then used the Pooper Scooper of Power to control another pile of poop. He easily dodged the next attack, and hit the swan again with the crap. Ferdinand fell down, but still managed to get up before Link could hit it. When Ferdinand got to the ceiling, he shot feathers at Link again, but he blocked them with his Shield. Ferdinand then, instead of charging at Link, floated down to the ground, and started to spin gracefully. Fortunately for Link, the swan was even slower from the second dosage of feces, so Link managed to dodge the attack, and get another pile of crap. He floated it up, but then Ferdinand charged. hitting Link and breaking the link between Link and the crap. Of course, Link just used the Pooper Scooper to regain control of the dung, and hit Ferdinand with it. Instead of trying to attack again though, this time Link used the Pooper Scooper on the last pile of poop and flung it onto Ferdinand. Ferdinand passed out from the massive smell, and Link rushed up and did a long series of sword slashes. A bright flash then emitted from Ferdinand, the poop disappeared, and the smoke came out of the swan's head and took form into Gossuka.
Gossuka: Dangit! DANGIT DANGIT DANGIT DANGIT DANGIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID YOU KNOW THE SECRET TO BEATING FERDINAND!?
Link: The Monkey told me!
Gossuka: DANGIT! I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED THEM! AND SINCE I ALREADY USED A LOT OF MY POWER TO POSSESS FERDINAND, SO NOW I HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY CASTLE AND RECHARGE! DARK BOOMING EVIL VOICE!
DBEV: YES, LORD GOSSUKA?
Gossuka: I want you to make sure that Link does not leave this place alive, you got that?
DBEV: YES, LORD GOSSUKA, YOU HAVE MY WORD. I'LL MAKE SURE THIS MEDDLING HYLIAN PAYS FOR INTERFERING IN YOUR TEMPLE.
Gossuka: Good. You do that. Now I'm off!
Then, Gossuka disappeared in a dark cloud of smoke, and Ferdinand regained consciousness.
Ferdinand: Link, I would like to save you for saving me from that horrible Gossuka. Please take this feather.
Link: Uh-huh. And what does it do?
Ferdinand: Um, I don't think it does anything special.
Link: Ugh, how is it supposed to help me then?
Ferdinand: Well, I guess you could also have whatever is in that chest over there.
Link: Oh, cool, I didn't notice that!
Link then went and opened the treasure chest, which contained the Boss Key. Yet, while there was a door near the ceiling that led to the 5th floor, no staircase appeared.
Link: Oh great, now how am I supposed to get up to the next floor.
Ferdinand: Well, Link, I-
Link: Shut up, swan. Now let's see, there's no way to Hookshot over there, and-
Ferdinand: But, Link, you -
Link: Be quiet, Ferdie, I'm trying to think.
While Link tried to think of a way to go up, Ferdinand talked to Shika.
Ferdinand: He just won't listen!
Shika: Don't worry. I know what to do.
Shika then flew up to Link's ear and did one of the most horrible things known to mankind.
Shika: HEY! LISTEN!
Link: AHHH! WHAT DO YOU WANT!
Shika: Ferdinand was trying to tell you that you could ride him to the next floor.
Link: Oh, Why didn't I think of that?
And so Link and Shika went to the fifth floor. In the next room, Link met up with the Dark Booming Evil Voice yet again.
DBEV: SO! IF IT ISN'T YOU! THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN BEAT ME NOW! WITH YOU BEING SO WEAK FROM THE LAST BATTLE, THERE IS NO WAY IN HECK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO STAND ANOTHER STALFOS!
Link: You've got to be kidding.
A single Stalfos appeared pencil style, which Link disposed of easily.
DBEV: NO! YOU BEAT IT! AND NOW JUST ONE ROOM STANDS BETWEEN YOU AND THE BOSS! LORD GOSSUKA IS GONNA KILL ME!
Link: That was it? You are totally insane!
DBEV: ARGGGGGGH! THAT'S IT! WE'LL SEE IF YOU'RE STILL LAUGHING WHEN THE BOSS CRUSHES YOU TO PIECES!
Link then moved up to the sixth floor, where he confronted another Ultra Samurai Chimp, which he easily defeated.
Chimp: Good job, boom, you're healed, now here's your tip: Use Cuccos to beat the boss. Bye.
Link: Wasn't he a bit less sophisticated than those other Chimps?
Shika: He must be new. The other Chimps talk like that because they were driven insane by the fact that they would have to live here for eternity, or until Gossuka is defeated.
Link: Oh, ok. Hey, wait a minute! The sixth floor is the top floor? So where do we fight the boss?
Shika: Um, Link, look below you.
Link looked down at his feet, and found that he was standing on a panel with a keyhole and above the keyhole, in big red letters, were the words INSERT BOSS KEY IN KEYHOLE TO FIGHT BOSS.
Link: Oh. Well, time to fight!
Link put the key in the keyhole and the panel he was standing on glowed green, and teleported Link to another place. Link the panel to find he was back on top of the Pepsi Can. It was different from when Link first entered the temple in that there were piles of poop along the edge of the can, on one side was a nest with a bunch of Cuccos, and on the other side was a huge black curtain blocking something.
Link: So this is where I fight the boss huh? Back in the first room? That's odd.
DBEV: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S THE LUNACY TEMPLE IDIOT! HAH, YOU MUST BE SCARED NOW, BECAUSE YOU MUST NOW FACE THE WRATH OF THIS TEMPLE'S BOSS!
Link: Um, actually, no. Wait a minute, that voice sounds closer than before.
Shika: It's coming from behind that curtain, Link!
Link then ran up to the curtain and ripped it to shreds revealing behind it..... ANNE ROBINSON, FORMER HOST OF THE WEAKEST LINK, WITH A VOICE CHANGER!
Link: So, YOU'RE THE DARK BOOMING EVIL VOICE!
Anne: (normal voice) That's right, Link, I am not only the Dark Booming Evil Voice, but I am also the boss of this temple. AND NOW YOU SHALL PAY FOR ALL OF THE INSULTS! COME, BOSS MUSIC AND ANNOYING SUBTITLES!
The Boss Music started to play, and words started to appear under Anne
LUNACY TEMPLE BOSS
ANNE ROBINSON
FORMER ANNOYING BRITISH GAME SHOW HOST
Anne: MUAHAHHAHHAHHAHA! YOU MUST BE SCARED NOW! COWER UNDER THE WRATH OF ME! YOU MUST BE STARK RAVING MAD NOW! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Link: Nope. You are. And now, I'm gonna kick your butt!
Link then used the pooper scooper of power and flung poop onto the Cuccos covering them, and seeping into their feathers. This of course made the Cuccos very very mad, and they began to rush towards Link. Link then used the Pooper Scooper to control the Cuccos, with them being so consumed by the crap, and flung them towards Anne. When the Cuccos hit Anne, they did the only thing a Cucco would do when covered with poop and flung into something. They pecked the thing they hit to death. When Anne died, the Cuccos disappeared, and a red teleportation thing appeared in the center of the arena.
Shika: Link, how did you know how to beat her?
Link: It's a simple equation= poop covered Cuccos+ total control over poop= Dead Boss. Duh. Well, anyway, that couldn't have been it. Let's go in that portal!
Link and Shika went into the teleporter, and appeared in a place very similar to the Chamber of Sages, except the symbols were different. Suddenly on the circle that had the image of a Smiley face with the mouth wide open, tongue hanging out, and googly eyes on it appeared SS4 Psycho Link.
SS4 Psycho Link: Congrats, Link, you've saved me from the Lunacy Temple!
Link: Wait a minute, that was it? ALL THOSE ENEMIES, AND THE BOSS WAS THE EASIEST ONE?
SS4 Psycho Link: Well, it isn't called the Lunacy Temple for no reason.
Link: Wait a minute, I thought you were a crazy lunatic!
SS4 Psycho Link: Well, this Chamber is next door to the Original Chamber of Sages, and the Sages said that if I act crazy here, Saria will send her fairy in here.
Link: ::shudder:: Well, anyway, now what do I do?
SS4 Psycho Link: Now you get to go find the other 6 Temples! Oh, but first take the Lunacy Medallion
That thingy where the medallion falls down from the sky happened and Link got the medallion.
Link: Cool. What does it do?
SS4 Psycho Link: Nothing, except for gain you access to Gossuka's castle when you have all 7 medallions.
Link: Then why can't you just give me all 7 after I rescue you all.
SS4 Psycho Link: Some kind of Sage rule that that fat @$$ Rauru made to "liven things up a bit" And if we don't obey it, he sits on us.
Link: ::shudder:: Well, anyway, bye!
Link was then transported to the middle of Hyrule Market, in front of the Disco, which suddenly collapsed.
Link: Why did that happen?
Shika: Well, I guess since the main reason for the Disco was to hold the Lunacy Temple, and you beat the Lunacy Temple, there's no need for the Disco anymore.
LINK: yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, LET'S FIND OUR NEXT TEMPLE!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, that's it, Link and Shika have finally beaten the Lunacy Temple and rescued SS4 Psycho Link, the Sage of Lunacy. Next time, Link meets up with Kaepora Gaebora yet again, and goes into the Action Temple. So review heartily and don't forget to return to read Chapter 5: Action-packed madness in the Haunted Wasteland!
A Legend of Zelda fanfic by Mousse1/2
CHAPTER 4: DRUNKEN OXEN, POSSESSED SWANS, AND THE LUNACY MEDALLION!
Author Notes: Well, I told you that you wouldn't have to wait that long for this chapter, and so here it is! The rest of the Lunacy Temple! Ok, In the next chapter Link meets the 2nd Sage and enters the 2nd Temple, so I need a Sage to give me enough info to do the rest and make a good 3 chapters. Because now that the first Temple is over with, I'll need to be able to write up the next Temple quick! So to the Sages, decide upon which of you wants to go next! Also, no more applying for Sages please. I have decided my Angst Sage and I am currently trying to choose out of four different people for the Horror Sage. BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STILL REVIEW! And now for the disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, I only own Shika, Gossuka, the Samurai Chimps, and any other enemy that appears that has never appeared anywhere else! Now, LET THE FOURTH CHAPTER BEGIN!!!!!!
Last time, on the Temples of Fanfiction, Link ignored the words of the Dark Booming Evil Voice, and ventured forth into the Lunacy Temple, which turned out to be a giant Pepsi can. Inside, Link went from bottom to top in the first half of the can, in which he battled Stalfos, Samurai Chimps, and the evil Mini-Boss, General Squishypeels, who he defeated in order to receive the Pooper-Scooper of Power, a device which allows Link to move poop anywhere he wants, while not being able to smell it! Last time we left Link and Shika, they were about to move the giant pile of feces blocking the way to the second half of the can.
Link: Alright, we're halfway through this stupid place, now to do the other half!
Link took out the Pooper-Scooper of Power, pointed it at the giant turd blocking the way to the other side of the can, and turned it on. The Pooper Scooper started to glow red, and then the pile of crap floated in the air. Link violently swung the pooper scooper towards the other side of the room, and the poop slew to that area, leaving the passage to the other side clear.
Shika: You did it, Link! Now we can go the other side.
And Link and Shika did just that. When they were on the other side, a door closed behind them and locked, trapping them in the new side of the Temple. On the other side of the room was a door to the next room. Link looked around, and confirmed that the layout of this side was the same as the first side, with 5 bridges above them, each one connected to the next bridge via a room. Link and Shika walked through the main area to the next room. This room was fairly larger than the other rooms connecting the bridges, and there was a cage along one of the walls, although Link could not see what was inside. It was here that the Dark Booming Evil Voice returned yet again.
DBEV: SO, YOU MANAGED TO DEFEAT GENERAL SQUISHYPEELS, DID YOU? WELL, HE WAS A WEAKLING! DON'T EXPECT THE OTHER MINI-BOSS YOU FACE HERE TO BE AS EASY! IN FACT, I DOUBT YOU'LL SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO FACE HIM! YOU'RE BRAIN MUST ALREADY BE MUSH BY NOW FROM ALL OF THE INSANITY CAUSED BY THIS LOVELY TEMPLE!
Link: Nope, but you still seem to be just as cuckoo as ever.
DBEV: AGGH! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS INSULT ME LIKE THAT! NOW YOU MUST FACE THE CONTENTS OF THAT CAGE! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The cage then slowly opened, and a huge dark figured walked slowly out of the cage. Actually, it stumbled, and seemed as if it just couldn't walk straight. Finally, when it got close enough for Link to see it, Link found out what it was: a giant Ox.
Link: Giant Oxen? That's what you have to fight me? This will be easier than the Stalfos!
Shika: Wait a minute, Link! That's not your ordinary Oxen! It's..... GIANT DRUNKEN OXEN! These are oxen that are so drunk, they don't have any idea of their surroundings! Because of this, they are very unpredictable, so watch out!
Link: Heh, dodging is no problem. I can handle this!
And so the battle began. The Ox continued to stumble randomly, while Link easily dodged it and sliced it with the Master Sword. After a few minutes of this, the Ox looked as it was about to keel over, and then vomited at Link. The putrid projectile hit, causing Link to almost lose consciousness, and greatly decrease in his dexterity. Now Link could walk no straighter than the Ox, being so sick from the vomit.
Link: Ick! What was that for?
Shika: It appears as if the Ox has gone into Hangover Mode! This happens whenever a Drunken Ox is almost at the point of death, and it enables him to spit a vomit that makes the victim pass out and get crushed by the Ox!
Link: Then how come I haven't passed out yet?
Shika: It must be the Pooper-Scooper of Power! Since poop is fully digested food, and vomit is half digested food, the pooper scooper must be reacting to it at half-power!
Link: Well, then let's hope half-power is enough to get this stuff off of me!
Link tried to reach into his tunic to grab the pooper scooper, but because of his poor coordination on account of the vomit, missed. Finally, after 10 failures, and right when the Ox was about to hit Link, Link got the pooper scooper, pointed it at the vomit, and turned it on. The scooper glowed again, and Link raised the vomit off of him, and flung it away, where it hit the Ox. Now in a Hangover and covered in vomit, the Ox stopped in it's tracks and died out of pure sickness and disgust. It's remains disappeared in green smoke, all traces of the vomit vanished, and the floor moved, taking Link and Shika to the next floor.
Link: Ugh, I HATE Drunken Oxen!
Shika: Well, now it's gone, so let's go to the next room!
In the center of the next room was yet another Samurai Chimp. But, when this one stood up, not only did a Scimitar appear in each hand, but one appeared held by it's tail as well.
Link: Oh great, this one has 3 scimitars.
Shika: That's an Ultra Samurai Chimp! This one holds a third scimitar with its tail, so you can't attack it from the back like you did with the Super Samurai Chimp! Try to remember the Super Chimp's tip!
The Chimp then began it's attack, spinning wildly, creating a wild bladed tornado, which cut Link 5 times before he backed away trying to remember the tip the Super Samurai Chimp gave him.
Link: (while trying to dodge the Chimp's spinning attack) hmm, lessee, what was that tip again? Was it "When close, thou art safe, when away, thou art dead"? Yeah, I think that was it! That means if I want to win, I need to attack as close as possible!
And so, Link rushed up to the spinning Chimp to attack, but he was promptly slashed like crazy from the blades. But still, Link kept trying, and still, Link kept failing.
Shika: Link, you idiot! You got it the other way around! It's "when away, thou art safe, when close, thou art dead," remember? You need to use long-range weapons to beat it!
So, Link abruptly changed his strategy. He backed up far from the chimp, took out his Bow, and charged up a Light Arrow. Finally, when the arrow was fully charged, he fired. The arrow slipped through the scimitars for a direct hit, defeating the chimp.
Link: All that hassle, and it only took ONE LIGHT ARROW to beat him!?
Chimp: Congratulations, you have bested me in combat so now I heal you and give you this tip: When you face the next Mini-Boss, this strategy will help you succeed: When beauty is made dirty, it does not bode well in combat.
The Chimp then disappeared, and stairs appeared, leading to the third floor. Link and Shika went to the third floor, and went across the bridge to the next room. It was here that, yet again, they confronted the Dark Booming Evil Voice.
DBEV: WHAT? YOU BEST MT OXEN AND GOSSUKA'S ULTRA SAMURAI CHIMP! ARGGGGGGH! THERE IS NO WAY I AM GOING TO LET YOU ESCAPE THIS TIME! COME, ULTIMATE MOBLIN!
A giant pencil shot out from the ceiling, and out of it came a HUGE sleeping Moblin, with a REALLY REALLY HUGE spiked club.
DBEV: HAH! IT MAY BE SLEEPING, BUT WITH THE RACKET YOU MAKE WHEN YOU WALK, YOU'LL WAKE IT EASILY! NOW I'M GONNA LEAVE BEFORE YOU CALL ME INSANE AGAIN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Link: He's crazier than ever.
DBEV: I HEARD THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shika: Ok, Link, we need to walk really slowly so that we don't wake the Moblin!
Link: No we don't, that insane voice was probably trying to scare us! I've dealt with a Moblin like this, at the entrance to the Sacred Forest Meadow!
Shika: Are you sure? This one looks really big.
Link: Not a problem! All I have to do is shoot him with one of my arrows!
Link charged up an arrow and shot it at the giant Moblin. The Moblin woke up and stood up, revealing itself to be about 3 times the size of the Moblin that guarded the Sacred Forest Meadow. It looked at Link, and raised it's club high in the air
Link: Eep!
Link frantically took out his Ocarina and played Zelda's Lullaby. The Moblin went back to sleep.
Link: Well, maybe we should just walk through slowly.
Link and Shika went slowly through the room and stepped on the switch. The giant Moblin burst into flames and burned to the ashes, shrieking in pain all the way.
Link: That was all I had to do to kill this guy. Hah, these enemies are getting easier by the second! I'll defeat Gossuka in no time!
Shika: I wouldn't be so sure about that if I were you, Link. You haven't even rescued the first Sage yet! Hey, the floor's moving! We're at the fourth floor now, Link!
Link and Shika went out of the room into the fourth floor of the main chamber. And at the very end of the bridge, in front of the next room, was Gossuka.
Gossuka: So, Link, it appears as though you are about 75% through your first Temple. I didn't think you'd get this far!
Link: GOSSUKA! IT'S YOU! You rotten piece of crap! DIE!!!!!!!!!
Link rushed up to Gossuka and swung his sword, but Gossuka caught the blade in his hand. He then glowed a bright blue, and sent an electric shock through the blade and to Link. Link felt the intense pain of the electricity, and then went flying back to where he came from the huge shock that followed.
Gossuka: Hahahahahahahah! You're no match for me, Link! You are far from the point you need to be at in order to defeat my power! I could kill you now, but I think I'll have a little fun with you first. Come into the next room, if you dare!
Gossuka then walked into the next room, leaving Shika and Link on the bridge. Link, slowly got up and glared at the spot where Gossuka.
Link: Argh, that stupid Gossuka! He makes me sick! I'm going in after him!
Shika: Wait, Link, I'm coming too!
Link and Shika went into the room that Gossuka went into. It was a large room with a large pile of crap in each corner. at the other side of the room, was a platform on which rested a beautiful swan, which was sleeping. Gossuka was standing right next to the Swan.
Gossuka: So, you decided to come after all! Hmm, maybe you aren't so much of a wuss as I thought. But, anyway, do you see this swan here? This is one of my creations, Ferdinand. He was created as a perfect fighting swan. Unfortunately, he turned out to be good, and is the best friend of that wretched SS4 Psycho Link. But, after I possess it, it will be just as evil as me! Prepare to die, Link!
Gossuka then transformed into a thick smoke, which seeped into the swan's head. The swan then awakened, and glared at Link. It then stood up and flapped it's wings, and the Boss Music began to play. White letters then appeared below the swan:
MINI-BOSS 2
FERDINAND
POSSESSED GRACEFUL SWAN
The possessed Ferdinand then started to hover up into the air, followed by a quick aerial rush, which made a direct hit to Link and knocked him down. It then flew up to the ceiling, where it hovered.
Link: Why you..... I'll teach you!
Link took out his bow and fired an arrow at the swan, but Ferdinand quickly dodged it and zoomed towards Link again. Link tried to dodge, but once again got hit.
Link: Dang! He's too fast! I can't it him or dodge him!
Shika: Link, use the Pegasus Seeds! They'll make you faster so you can dodge the swan!
Link: You're right! I almost forgot about those!
Link ate a Pegasus seed, and managed to dodge the next attack, but still couldn't hit the swan with the bow. The next time Ferdinand attacked, Link dodged and tried to hit it while the swan flew by, but all Link hit was air.
Shika: Link, it's no use! Ferdinand is too fast to attack, and those arrows are too small to ensure a hit while he's hovering!
Link: (while dodging Ferdinand) You're right, I need a bigger projectile. Aha! The piles of poop! I'll try them!
Link took the pooper scooper of power and used it on one of the piles of poop. He levitated it, and when Ferdinand started to hover, Link hit it with the poop. The swan, disgusted with its beauty ruined, fell down in shock. Link ran up to hit it while it was down, but the swan was too quick for him. However, Link noticed that Ferdinand was moving slower than before.
Link: Oh, I get it! It's like what that chimp said! When beauty is made dirty, it does not bide well in combat! The more poop I get on him, the slower he gets!
While Link was busy talking, Ferdinand had flown up to the ceiling again, and had been doing strange movements with his wings. As soon as Link finished his talking, Ferdinand shot some of his feathers at Link, piercing his skin.
Link: OW! YOU STUPID SWAN! TAKE THIS!
Link then used the Pooper Scooper of Power to control another pile of poop. He easily dodged the next attack, and hit the swan again with the crap. Ferdinand fell down, but still managed to get up before Link could hit it. When Ferdinand got to the ceiling, he shot feathers at Link again, but he blocked them with his Shield. Ferdinand then, instead of charging at Link, floated down to the ground, and started to spin gracefully. Fortunately for Link, the swan was even slower from the second dosage of feces, so Link managed to dodge the attack, and get another pile of crap. He floated it up, but then Ferdinand charged. hitting Link and breaking the link between Link and the crap. Of course, Link just used the Pooper Scooper to regain control of the dung, and hit Ferdinand with it. Instead of trying to attack again though, this time Link used the Pooper Scooper on the last pile of poop and flung it onto Ferdinand. Ferdinand passed out from the massive smell, and Link rushed up and did a long series of sword slashes. A bright flash then emitted from Ferdinand, the poop disappeared, and the smoke came out of the swan's head and took form into Gossuka.
Gossuka: Dangit! DANGIT DANGIT DANGIT DANGIT DANGIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID YOU KNOW THE SECRET TO BEATING FERDINAND!?
Link: The Monkey told me!
Gossuka: DANGIT! I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED THEM! AND SINCE I ALREADY USED A LOT OF MY POWER TO POSSESS FERDINAND, SO NOW I HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY CASTLE AND RECHARGE! DARK BOOMING EVIL VOICE!
DBEV: YES, LORD GOSSUKA?
Gossuka: I want you to make sure that Link does not leave this place alive, you got that?
DBEV: YES, LORD GOSSUKA, YOU HAVE MY WORD. I'LL MAKE SURE THIS MEDDLING HYLIAN PAYS FOR INTERFERING IN YOUR TEMPLE.
Gossuka: Good. You do that. Now I'm off!
Then, Gossuka disappeared in a dark cloud of smoke, and Ferdinand regained consciousness.
Ferdinand: Link, I would like to save you for saving me from that horrible Gossuka. Please take this feather.
Link: Uh-huh. And what does it do?
Ferdinand: Um, I don't think it does anything special.
Link: Ugh, how is it supposed to help me then?
Ferdinand: Well, I guess you could also have whatever is in that chest over there.
Link: Oh, cool, I didn't notice that!
Link then went and opened the treasure chest, which contained the Boss Key. Yet, while there was a door near the ceiling that led to the 5th floor, no staircase appeared.
Link: Oh great, now how am I supposed to get up to the next floor.
Ferdinand: Well, Link, I-
Link: Shut up, swan. Now let's see, there's no way to Hookshot over there, and-
Ferdinand: But, Link, you -
Link: Be quiet, Ferdie, I'm trying to think.
While Link tried to think of a way to go up, Ferdinand talked to Shika.
Ferdinand: He just won't listen!
Shika: Don't worry. I know what to do.
Shika then flew up to Link's ear and did one of the most horrible things known to mankind.
Shika: HEY! LISTEN!
Link: AHHH! WHAT DO YOU WANT!
Shika: Ferdinand was trying to tell you that you could ride him to the next floor.
Link: Oh, Why didn't I think of that?
And so Link and Shika went to the fifth floor. In the next room, Link met up with the Dark Booming Evil Voice yet again.
DBEV: SO! IF IT ISN'T YOU! THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN BEAT ME NOW! WITH YOU BEING SO WEAK FROM THE LAST BATTLE, THERE IS NO WAY IN HECK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO STAND ANOTHER STALFOS!
Link: You've got to be kidding.
A single Stalfos appeared pencil style, which Link disposed of easily.
DBEV: NO! YOU BEAT IT! AND NOW JUST ONE ROOM STANDS BETWEEN YOU AND THE BOSS! LORD GOSSUKA IS GONNA KILL ME!
Link: That was it? You are totally insane!
DBEV: ARGGGGGGH! THAT'S IT! WE'LL SEE IF YOU'RE STILL LAUGHING WHEN THE BOSS CRUSHES YOU TO PIECES!
Link then moved up to the sixth floor, where he confronted another Ultra Samurai Chimp, which he easily defeated.
Chimp: Good job, boom, you're healed, now here's your tip: Use Cuccos to beat the boss. Bye.
Link: Wasn't he a bit less sophisticated than those other Chimps?
Shika: He must be new. The other Chimps talk like that because they were driven insane by the fact that they would have to live here for eternity, or until Gossuka is defeated.
Link: Oh, ok. Hey, wait a minute! The sixth floor is the top floor? So where do we fight the boss?
Shika: Um, Link, look below you.
Link looked down at his feet, and found that he was standing on a panel with a keyhole and above the keyhole, in big red letters, were the words INSERT BOSS KEY IN KEYHOLE TO FIGHT BOSS.
Link: Oh. Well, time to fight!
Link put the key in the keyhole and the panel he was standing on glowed green, and teleported Link to another place. Link the panel to find he was back on top of the Pepsi Can. It was different from when Link first entered the temple in that there were piles of poop along the edge of the can, on one side was a nest with a bunch of Cuccos, and on the other side was a huge black curtain blocking something.
Link: So this is where I fight the boss huh? Back in the first room? That's odd.
DBEV: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S THE LUNACY TEMPLE IDIOT! HAH, YOU MUST BE SCARED NOW, BECAUSE YOU MUST NOW FACE THE WRATH OF THIS TEMPLE'S BOSS!
Link: Um, actually, no. Wait a minute, that voice sounds closer than before.
Shika: It's coming from behind that curtain, Link!
Link then ran up to the curtain and ripped it to shreds revealing behind it..... ANNE ROBINSON, FORMER HOST OF THE WEAKEST LINK, WITH A VOICE CHANGER!
Link: So, YOU'RE THE DARK BOOMING EVIL VOICE!
Anne: (normal voice) That's right, Link, I am not only the Dark Booming Evil Voice, but I am also the boss of this temple. AND NOW YOU SHALL PAY FOR ALL OF THE INSULTS! COME, BOSS MUSIC AND ANNOYING SUBTITLES!
The Boss Music started to play, and words started to appear under Anne
LUNACY TEMPLE BOSS
ANNE ROBINSON
FORMER ANNOYING BRITISH GAME SHOW HOST
Anne: MUAHAHHAHHAHHAHA! YOU MUST BE SCARED NOW! COWER UNDER THE WRATH OF ME! YOU MUST BE STARK RAVING MAD NOW! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Link: Nope. You are. And now, I'm gonna kick your butt!
Link then used the pooper scooper of power and flung poop onto the Cuccos covering them, and seeping into their feathers. This of course made the Cuccos very very mad, and they began to rush towards Link. Link then used the Pooper Scooper to control the Cuccos, with them being so consumed by the crap, and flung them towards Anne. When the Cuccos hit Anne, they did the only thing a Cucco would do when covered with poop and flung into something. They pecked the thing they hit to death. When Anne died, the Cuccos disappeared, and a red teleportation thing appeared in the center of the arena.
Shika: Link, how did you know how to beat her?
Link: It's a simple equation= poop covered Cuccos+ total control over poop= Dead Boss. Duh. Well, anyway, that couldn't have been it. Let's go in that portal!
Link and Shika went into the teleporter, and appeared in a place very similar to the Chamber of Sages, except the symbols were different. Suddenly on the circle that had the image of a Smiley face with the mouth wide open, tongue hanging out, and googly eyes on it appeared SS4 Psycho Link.
SS4 Psycho Link: Congrats, Link, you've saved me from the Lunacy Temple!
Link: Wait a minute, that was it? ALL THOSE ENEMIES, AND THE BOSS WAS THE EASIEST ONE?
SS4 Psycho Link: Well, it isn't called the Lunacy Temple for no reason.
Link: Wait a minute, I thought you were a crazy lunatic!
SS4 Psycho Link: Well, this Chamber is next door to the Original Chamber of Sages, and the Sages said that if I act crazy here, Saria will send her fairy in here.
Link: ::shudder:: Well, anyway, now what do I do?
SS4 Psycho Link: Now you get to go find the other 6 Temples! Oh, but first take the Lunacy Medallion
That thingy where the medallion falls down from the sky happened and Link got the medallion.
Link: Cool. What does it do?
SS4 Psycho Link: Nothing, except for gain you access to Gossuka's castle when you have all 7 medallions.
Link: Then why can't you just give me all 7 after I rescue you all.
SS4 Psycho Link: Some kind of Sage rule that that fat @$$ Rauru made to "liven things up a bit" And if we don't obey it, he sits on us.
Link: ::shudder:: Well, anyway, bye!
Link was then transported to the middle of Hyrule Market, in front of the Disco, which suddenly collapsed.
Link: Why did that happen?
Shika: Well, I guess since the main reason for the Disco was to hold the Lunacy Temple, and you beat the Lunacy Temple, there's no need for the Disco anymore.
LINK: yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, LET'S FIND OUR NEXT TEMPLE!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, that's it, Link and Shika have finally beaten the Lunacy Temple and rescued SS4 Psycho Link, the Sage of Lunacy. Next time, Link meets up with Kaepora Gaebora yet again, and goes into the Action Temple. So review heartily and don't forget to return to read Chapter 5: Action-packed madness in the Haunted Wasteland!