Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: Sanctuary

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Authors Note: Sorry for the long wait but I am working on two stories at once and that takes time. I also had a serious bout of writer's block on this one. Go figure. Anyway here it is at last. Please remember to review. Thanks.

Chapter Three: Peace and War

"I want to ask one thing…does that man currently regret how he lived his life?"

"Even if he were to regret it, he can't ever go back."

Himura Kenshin/Fisherman

RK Episode 63

Subtitled

For several days after the incident at the washtub, Kenshin began to feel his heart lighten somewhat. He no longer wanted to take his own life but he also wanted nothing farther to do with the world that had almost stolen his sanity. That world was just too painful a place for him to live in anymore and he had no desire to face the years ahead living in fear for his life. He had begun to watch Haishidiya closely and discovered that the monk had an inner peace and harmony with everything around him that Kenshin knew he lacked. More than anything else he wanted the peace Haishidiya had and, with that idea in mind, he had asked the monk to start teaching him a way to achieve it. Haishidiya was only too happy to do so and began instructing him in the ways of Buddhism that Kenshin had never understood before.

Kenshin absorbed the teachings as of his mind was mind was a sponge and he was grateful to find something to occupy his mind and free his soul.

"Maybe I can control Battousai with meditation and prayer," he thought.

He wasn't sure when his heart began to change but he knew that it had. He felt more relaxed and at peace then he had in several years, despite the fact that he was in enemy territory, and that peace began to carry over into his everyday attitude. The hitokiri's voice, which had always been a constant hum in the back of his mind, was now completely silent. The smell and sight of blood had faded from his senses and the urge to kill had dwindled to almost nothing. He had no more nightmare replays of his past and his thoughts had turned from war to peace. He couldn't help but feel as if he had found his place at last, something he had not thought would ever be possible again.

Kenshin sat on the floor of his rooms with his hands folded and his back straight. His eyes were closed against distraction as he repeated the sutra that Haishidiya had taught him. He could feel his body relaxing and his mind slipping quietly into a state of meditation. This last perhaps five minutes before his hitokiri alarms went off and his eyes snapped open, his hand going automatically for the sword at his left side.

He scanned the room but found nothing that would cause such a reaction. Then he sent out his ki to find the source of the disturbance. He could sense Haishidiya's calming presence not to far away from him, in a room down the hall from his own but there was a second presence in the room as well. The Ki of this individual was murky and dark to his senses.

"Ninja? Hitokiri?" Kenshin's mind frantically searched his memory for the person to whom this Ki belonged, knowing that it was familiar to him. He longed to rush into the room and see who it was but he knew that it would be better if he remained silent. Whoever they were, they were most likely looking for him and he would not put Haishidiya in danger by revealing himself now. He could feel a numbness come over him. If someone knew he was here then someone at the border station must have recognized him. He cursed himself for a fool and thoughts began to fly around in his head. He could not seem to fit two of them together in any coherent fashion but there was one thing he knew for certain: He could not allow Haishidiya to live in ignorance any longer. He would have to tell the monk the true identity of his newfound friend and companion. The idea filled him with dread but, in order to protect the monk's life, Kenshin would have to tell the truth.

*

Kenshin remained meditating in his room for several hours after Haishidiya's guest left trying to calm the drumbeat of his heart. It was only through strength of will that he had been able to remain in his room during the visit. The hitokiri had wanted to rush in there and silence the potential enemy before he could do the same to him but the rurouni managed to convince the hitokiri of the logic in waiting. The rurouni also managed to convince his more violent self that it was far safer and wiser to wait until an attack came, if indeed one was coming. When no attack came and when the man left the house without an attempt to attack Kenshin, the hitokiri lapsed into silence once more. Kenshin returned to his interrupted meditations.

Now he sat before an extremely pale and shocked Haishidiya. Kenshin closed his eyes and let his hair fall over his face, hiding his emotions from the young monk.

"He will throw us out and we are in enemy lands now." Battousai's voice had a cold, hard edge to it. "We will have to fight our way out."

Kenshin flinched slightly at the words knowing that they could be true.

"We will wait. Haishidiya is a monk and I do not believe he will throw us to the wolves, no matter who I was."

The hitokiri muttered and Kenshin could feel his anger beginning to rise. Once again, he clamped down on it and began to repeat his sutra, striving to calm himself and to fight the rising tide of anger and fear in his heart, risking a look at the monk as he did so.

Haishidiya was in complete shock. He had heard the rumors, nearly everyone had of course, but he never expected to come face to face with the legendary Ishinshishi hitokiri. His eyes studied the red-haired man before him. Himura's head was bowed and his hair hid his features from the monk but he was still able to see a part of the scar that seemed etched into the other man's face. The cross scar, one of two features that identified this man as the Hitokiri Battousai. Haishidiya could not believe that he had allowed such details to slip passed him without notice.

The man who sat before him was not at all what had expected from the one who was called the strongest. Where other samurai often looked down upon people of lower rank, Himura was humble, acting as if everyone else was above him. Where some swordsmen talked of their prowess in battle or of their skill with a sword, Himura had never mentioned it, even though his sword never left his side. Curiously, Himura never mentioned anything about himself or his past at all, choosing instead to keep it locked away.

"That's not good," Haishidiya thought as he continued to study the man who was said to be the most feared in all of Japan. "If he keeps erecting barriers between himself and others then one day the seals on that barrier will break to his regret."

Haishidiya wondered how the hitokiri that was once known as a cold, heartless and emotionless killer, the hitokiri who was the one against whom all others were measured, had changed into the man he saw before him. He wondered what event had been the catalyst for it but he pried no farther into the man's past because it was really none of his affair.

It had cost Kenshin all of his hard won peace of mind to tell Haishidiya about his past. He sat there with his head bowed and his eyes closed, still awash in a sea of emotions brought on by his memories. He sensed confusion within the monk's spirit but knew the young man would not turn him out for admitting the truth.

"You must know that you are in danger here, Himura-san," Haishidiya said quietly. "Already there has been a man here seeking you. He said his name was Yoshiba Torisuya."

Kenshin looked up quickly at the name, which seemed somehow familiar. He put his mind to work, searching his memory, while he nodded to Haishidiya.

"I sent him away but he did not seem satisfied with my answers to his questions. I suggest you keep an eye out for him."

"I am sorry I have brought undue trouble to your door Haishidiya-dono. You may rest assured that I will leave at the earliest convenience." Kenshin's voice carried a tone of regret and he felt one of his many masks slip into place.

"Rest now, Himura-san. You are still not fully healed. Stay here in peace and have no fear. When you are ready and your body has healed then you can still leave if you wish but rest for now."

Kenshin's eyes widened but he knew that the monk spoke nothing less than the truth. He had barely enough strength to do the chores and none to spare if he should be attacked. He was carrying his sakabatou but it was more out of habit than anything else. He looked away from Haishidiya at the folded hands in his lap and then looked back at the monk, his face a mask of resignation.

"Arigato for your hospitality. Haishidiya-dono," he said quietly, bowing. "I promise you that I will leave as soon as I am fully recovered."

Haishidiya bowed as well, then he rose from his place and looked down at Himura. "I will be waiting for you outside by the pond."

Kenshin nodded, realizing it was time for their daily meditation. The monk slid the door open and left him alone with his thoughts.

Kenshin sat for a long time, deep in thought, before he rose and joined Haishidiya outside for their daily meditation. The monk said nothing about his late arrival. Instead he sat calmly staring into the waters of the lake. Kenshin joined him, his body immediately relaxing as he took up his position next to Haishidiya. He, too, stared at the lake, watching the water sparkle in the late afternoon sun. The two men said nothing and Kenshin was glad of it. He needed time to sort out what he had heard but, for the time being, he locked away those problems in the back of his mind. He began to breathe, taking deep, even breathes as he had been instructed to. Soon all of Kenshin's troubles melted away and a sense of peace stole over him and he wondered why he let things worry him anymore. The world was of no consequence and had not bearing on his life now.

*

He went to sleep that night in better spirits then he had been in for a long time. His soul seemed to be more in balance that had ever been before and the hitokiri now lay dormant within his mind. That was why the dreams surprised him.

--He was surrounded in flames that leapt and danced around him. He could feel their heat brush against his skin and he felt a sudden nearly overwhelming fear. He tried to find a way out of the flames but there was none. The blazing light of the fire blinded him and he could feel pressure building in lungs that were crying for air. Then he saw someone, a shadow, lunging at him through the flames. He sidestepped the grasping hand but felt himself brush against the flames. He bit off a scream. Then he heard and felt an explosion, which sent him sprawling to the ground. His vision dimmed for a moment and everything around him became a haze of gray and black. —-

--The sickening sweet smell of blood invaded his senses then. He tried to back away from it but the scent followed him wherever he went. His ears became full of the sound of screams and the sound of a sword slicing through men. When he could see again he saw a bloodstained field strewn with bodies. His younger self stood there, his high ponytail whipping in the wind and his eyes glowing menancing amber. He held a bloodstained katana in his hand, which he held out toward Kenshin in an open invitation to join with him. Kenshin shut his eyes tightly against the sight as the screams continued around him and as the smell of blood permeated his senses, filling him with the desire to kill once more. His mind spun away into darkness. –-

--He could hear the laughter of a young feminine voice.

"Shinta-chan! What is it you have done to yourself now?" a bright voice teased.

Kenshin's eyes snapped open and he saw a face of a person he hadn't thought of in years.

His sister, Mikaeko's, eyes glowed with laughter as she picked up her wayward younger brother, who was covered from head to toe in mud from the fields.

"Mika-niisan…play…" Shinta babbled in his baby voice.

Mikaeko laughed and hugged the boy to her and then swung him around through the air. Shinta's laughter rang through the field, full of innocence and happiness that he later lost to the war. Kenshin tried desperately to hang onto this dream, looking into the deep blue eyes of his sister but they faded before him and he found himself looking instead into the sad, dark eyes of Tomoe instead.

"If your life had taken a different path, you could have been happy here…" she whispered. –

Kenshin's eyes widened and he sat bolt upright on his futon, her words echoing in his mind. Overlaying it all were the screams of all those he had slain.

*

For the next few weeks dreams of the past kept haunting his sleep, making it difficult for him to get any rest. His sleeping mind seemed to be dwelling on events in his past, some of which dealt with the childhood he hardly remembered. In them he saw his family again as they had been before cholera stole them from him forever. As the days passed the dreams he had of his recent past as a hitokiri began to fade while the dim memories of his childhood began to surface.

Kenshin found his spirits beginning to rise and it seemed that his dreams were urging him to seek peace and not to dwell so much on his bloody past. His eyes began to sparkle again and there was always a true smile on his lips now, not one that was hiding pain and sorrow within it. He began to take pleasure in the things he had not had time to notice in his former life. The forest around Haishidiya's home became an endless source of pleasure to him. Everyday there was something new to see there and Kenshin reveled in the peaceful calmness of the time he spent there.

Haishidiya watched Kenshin with amusement. It appeared the former hitokiri was now beginning to live life instead of dwelling on the life of death he had once lived. Haishidiya's spirit lightened and he nearly laughed at the almost childlike behavior Himura was displaying.

"He's probably never had any kind of a childhood. Thank you, Buddha." Haishidiya bowed his head for a moment in thankfulness. "Thank you for granting him this chance at peace."

The monk lifted his head and watched Himura leave by the back gate, just as there was a knock on the front one. Puzzled, Haishidiya turned to the gate and went to answer it, wondering who had traveled to this remote place. It was the last thought he had for a long while.

*

Kenshin disappeared through the back gate and took little notice of the knock at the front one. He walked down a well-worn path, drinking in the sights, smells and sounds of the forest as he did so. He smiled, watching the sunlight filter through the leaves, as he continued walking toward the stream. A light wind played along the tops of the trees and through his hair and he felt peace in his heart. This was the place he came most often to meditate and think because it reminded him a little of the river near where his master, Hiko, lived. It seemed ironic that his favorite place should remind him of the master he had left behind but it did. Kenshin's former master was the furthest thing from his mind though, as he arrived at the stream and stood watching a few birds flying high overhead. They called to one another, their songs mingling with the other sounds of the forest and with the sound of the rushing water farther upstream. The sky was an arc of blue overhead and the sun was just high enough that the waters of the stream were sparkling.

His smile widened and he felt himself relaxing more. He walked out onto a natural bridge made of stones and sat on one of them, removing his sandals and tabi so that he could put his feet into the lazy current of the stream. He lay back, his head resting on his folded arms, watching a few clouds move majestically overhead and listening to the sound of the stream as it played within its banks. He found himself falling into a meditative state without trying and he continued to watch the clouds, letting his mind wander were it would.

He was so deep in his trance that he didn't, at first, notice the birds stop singing and the forest around him becoming silent. He also failed to notice the sounding of his internal hitokiri alarm until he heard the whistle of a blade overhead and saw it arcing toward his face. In that instant he seemed to disappear from the rock he had been on and he had come down quietly on the opposite bank of the stream. Kenshin winced as his bare feet made contact with the rocky shore and he felt his left ankle twist underneath him. He made no sign of this to his attacker though and stood regarding the man, who stood blinking in confusing at the spot, Kenshin had been in a moment before. Carefully, so as not to draw attention to himself, he slipped into the forest, one eye still on his attacker, while he searched for others he was sure would be nearby.

"Don't move or you're a dead man, Hitokiri Battousai!" hissed a voice behind him as a he felt a strong arm grab him from behind and the point of a dagger on his throat.

Kenshin froze and the hitokiri within him cursed and raged. Kenshin sent out his Ki and found that the forest behind and across the river from him was full of men up and down the bank. Ten men on each shore plus four more up and down river. He shook his head inwardly. The situation was not good. The men came from concealment and now gathered around their leader, who held Kenshin in a vice-like grip. Kenshin's sword arm was pinned by the man's arm and the man pressed the dagger into the flesh of Kenshin's neck, eliciting a surprised hiss from him and a trickle of blood that dripped down the side of Kenshin's neck.

He fought the urge to move and said coldly, "Who are you?"

"You are in no position to demand anything, hitokiri. We are the ones with that right. You have none here, murderer. We demand justice for all those you have slain." Kenshin felt the man behind him grab a handful of his hair and pull his head back so that his neck was exposed. Then he traced a thin line across the former hitokiri's throat with his dagger. A thin trail of blood welled from the shallow cut, which seemed to excite the men in front of him.

"You will die by the slowest means we can devise but first…" Kenshin felt the point of the dagger pierce his shoulder just as another man kicked him in the stomach. Kenshin could not stop the cry that issued from his lips as pain exploded there and he felt blood flowing from the not completely healed wound. He felt himself falling limply to the ground, clutching his bleeding stomach before awareness was taken from him completely and all was darkness.