Title: Death of the Warrior
Author: Loden
Rating: PG-13, for shounen-ai, angst, and slight limeyness
Disclaimer: Though it saddens me deeply, I own nothing in this fic. Not Heero, not Duo, not the world they live in, etc., etc. However, my birthday is coming up soon and I wouldn't mind a gift wrapped bishonen. Duo, for example.
Author's Note: This fic was originally inspired by the song Overlap, by Ani DiFranco. I was listening to it one day and the kissing scene popped into my head, fully formed. I thought about making a songfic, since the song suits 1x2 so perfectly, but decided I wasn't up to it. During the writing process, it morphed, without my consent, into something completely different. It was supposed to be happy. It's not. Be prepared.
Also, please excuse any OOC-ness or other errors, as the only GW I have ever seen is Endless Waltz. So, R&R and tell me what ya think. Is it good? Bad? Deserving of the Noble Prize in Literature? Deserving of the trash can?
And now, on with the fic!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I used to watch you. Watch your graceful movements as you walked, ate, brushed you hair. I watched what I thought I could never have. You never knew, did you? I did my best to hide it. I was gruff with you, trying to be the perfect pilot. It was against my training to show, never mind feel, emotion. But you saw through it, didn't you? You saw through my seamless façade, glimpsing the human underneath.
I was The Warrior. That was what my training told me, and that was what most of me believed. But when I looked at you, some part of me didn't feel like the warrior anymore. It felt like something else- something I couldn't identify. That scared me. The Warrior was all I had ever been. I was afraid that if I gave myself to you, leaving behind the hard shell that had defined me, I would have nothing left. Who would I be? No one.
You were always the only one that could break through my mask, my shell. That scared me. I tried to think of you as a danger. I tried to deny that little feeling, tried to run from my love for you.
It didn't work.
~*~
I remember.
"Duo? What is it?" You entered my room and closed the door behind you, sealing us off from the rest of the house. It was something I always avoided- being alone with you. I tried to get past you and open the door, but you blocked my way.
"Heero, we have to talk." Your face was grim, almost desperate.
I laughed nervously, hollowly. "I'm guessing this isn't about next week's mission."
You turned away from me and took a deep breath, preparing.
"Heero, I see the way you look at me." Your voice was tight, controlled to the point where there was no hint of emotion in it. "I can't take it any more. I know you love me, I can see it in your eyes."
I thought you were going to reject me, call me a pervert, do anything other than what you actually did.
"Duo, I don't think we should-"
"No! Listen to me. I wanted to tell you that" you paused, " that I love you, too. You don't have to hide anymore. We can be together." You looked quickly over your shoulder, trying to judge my reaction.
My heart soared. But then I thought about The Warrior. He was all I had. I couldn't give him up, not even for you. Without The Warrior, I would have nothing left- just an empty shell.
I steeled myself and looked you in the eye, saying, "I'm sorry, Duo. You are mistaken. I don't love you. I am not able to love."
I tried not to see the pain in your eyes as I turned and almost ran out the door, leaving you behind.
You didn't give up. Once again, you were able to see through The Warrior and into the very human heart underneath. I started to avoid you. Every time you came near me, I suddenly remembered urgent business elsewhere that needed taking care of.
It took you a whole week to corner me.
I was in the kitchen, trying to get some lunch. I should have known better than to be in the safe house by myself when you were around.
Once again, you came into the room and shut the door, trapping me. You looked at me and your eyes were like fire, seeming to beg an demand at the same time.
"Heero."
"Hn." I tried to act naturally.
"Why are you running from me?" That caught me off guard. I had expected yelling, demanding, not a question in that pleading tone of voice.
"I- I don't know."
"Heero, I know you love me! Even if you won't admit it to yourself, it's true! I see you every day and every day you look at me with this longing, wanting look in your eyes, like a man who's glimpsed the Heavens and knows he'll never go to them." You slowly started stepping toward me, and I, along with you, stepped back. "You're driving me crazy, you know that? I want you as badly as you want me, I love you as much as you love me, and I just- I just-" You were getting red in the face. I was backed against the counter, both hands clutching its edge until my knuckles were white. Our noses were an inch apart, and it was taking all the will I possessed to stay where I was, and not bridge that gap. Then you did it for me.
You leaned forward and pressed your lips against mine. They were warm and wet, and I couldn't pull away. Everything I had ever learned told me to break the kiss and send you out to do laps for improper behavior. But I couldn't.
It was what I had dreamed of, ever since I met you. It seemed like since the beginning of time this was all I had ever wanted- you, and me, and our lips, pressed together like this. I could feel your whole body against mine. Your lightly muscled form made me feel secure, protected. I wanted to stay like that forever.
I slowly let go of the countertop and snaked my arms around your neck to bury my hands in your hair. You stroked my lips gently with your tongue, and I parted them. When you slid your tongue into my mouth I stroked it gently, shyly, with my own. You responded in kind.
I don't know how long we stood there, exploring mouths with tongues and bodies with hands. Eventually you pulled away and grinned crookedly at me, saying, "I was right after all, huh?"
The sight of your face brought me back to myself. I remembered The Warrior. What would he think of this? But then I looked at you again, and realized that as long as I had you, I didn't need The Warrior. The Warrior was gone, and I wasn't empty. I was filled with you. Only you. You were all I needed.
"Yes, Duo. You were right."
~*~
We had one month. One month of stolen kisses and nights spent curled in each other's arms. If only we had remembered that a pilot's life is often short, that good things never last nowadays.
It was Quatre who told me the news. He must have drawn the short straw. He told me about the mission gone wrong, about the OZ fighters that had come out of nowhere, about how you had gone down in Deathscythe, just as you would have wanted.
I was numb. For weeks I walked around, following my usual schedule. I didn't think, I didn't feel, I didn't speak unless absolutely necessary. I saw the others. They looked at me, whispered about me. "Is he ok?" "Is this normal?"
It wasn't normal. I wasn't ok. How could I be? My soulmate, the only person, man or woman, that I would ever love, was gone. Forever. Gradually, the numbness started to dissipate. One day I looked around and realized that you weren't there, that you would never be there again. I would squeeze my eyes shut at night, trying to hold in the years. I hugged my pillow, pretending it was you. It wasn't the same.
I had two options. I could become The Warrior again. Or I could join you. I chose the only one that I could bear.
I'll love you forever.
I'll be with you soon.
-Heero
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Yup, it's a deathfic. Didn't want to give anything away at the beginning. The title has a double meaning, ne? Review! Review! I command it!
Author: Loden
Rating: PG-13, for shounen-ai, angst, and slight limeyness
Disclaimer: Though it saddens me deeply, I own nothing in this fic. Not Heero, not Duo, not the world they live in, etc., etc. However, my birthday is coming up soon and I wouldn't mind a gift wrapped bishonen. Duo, for example.
Author's Note: This fic was originally inspired by the song Overlap, by Ani DiFranco. I was listening to it one day and the kissing scene popped into my head, fully formed. I thought about making a songfic, since the song suits 1x2 so perfectly, but decided I wasn't up to it. During the writing process, it morphed, without my consent, into something completely different. It was supposed to be happy. It's not. Be prepared.
Also, please excuse any OOC-ness or other errors, as the only GW I have ever seen is Endless Waltz. So, R&R and tell me what ya think. Is it good? Bad? Deserving of the Noble Prize in Literature? Deserving of the trash can?
And now, on with the fic!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I used to watch you. Watch your graceful movements as you walked, ate, brushed you hair. I watched what I thought I could never have. You never knew, did you? I did my best to hide it. I was gruff with you, trying to be the perfect pilot. It was against my training to show, never mind feel, emotion. But you saw through it, didn't you? You saw through my seamless façade, glimpsing the human underneath.
I was The Warrior. That was what my training told me, and that was what most of me believed. But when I looked at you, some part of me didn't feel like the warrior anymore. It felt like something else- something I couldn't identify. That scared me. The Warrior was all I had ever been. I was afraid that if I gave myself to you, leaving behind the hard shell that had defined me, I would have nothing left. Who would I be? No one.
You were always the only one that could break through my mask, my shell. That scared me. I tried to think of you as a danger. I tried to deny that little feeling, tried to run from my love for you.
It didn't work.
~*~
I remember.
"Duo? What is it?" You entered my room and closed the door behind you, sealing us off from the rest of the house. It was something I always avoided- being alone with you. I tried to get past you and open the door, but you blocked my way.
"Heero, we have to talk." Your face was grim, almost desperate.
I laughed nervously, hollowly. "I'm guessing this isn't about next week's mission."
You turned away from me and took a deep breath, preparing.
"Heero, I see the way you look at me." Your voice was tight, controlled to the point where there was no hint of emotion in it. "I can't take it any more. I know you love me, I can see it in your eyes."
I thought you were going to reject me, call me a pervert, do anything other than what you actually did.
"Duo, I don't think we should-"
"No! Listen to me. I wanted to tell you that" you paused, " that I love you, too. You don't have to hide anymore. We can be together." You looked quickly over your shoulder, trying to judge my reaction.
My heart soared. But then I thought about The Warrior. He was all I had. I couldn't give him up, not even for you. Without The Warrior, I would have nothing left- just an empty shell.
I steeled myself and looked you in the eye, saying, "I'm sorry, Duo. You are mistaken. I don't love you. I am not able to love."
I tried not to see the pain in your eyes as I turned and almost ran out the door, leaving you behind.
You didn't give up. Once again, you were able to see through The Warrior and into the very human heart underneath. I started to avoid you. Every time you came near me, I suddenly remembered urgent business elsewhere that needed taking care of.
It took you a whole week to corner me.
I was in the kitchen, trying to get some lunch. I should have known better than to be in the safe house by myself when you were around.
Once again, you came into the room and shut the door, trapping me. You looked at me and your eyes were like fire, seeming to beg an demand at the same time.
"Heero."
"Hn." I tried to act naturally.
"Why are you running from me?" That caught me off guard. I had expected yelling, demanding, not a question in that pleading tone of voice.
"I- I don't know."
"Heero, I know you love me! Even if you won't admit it to yourself, it's true! I see you every day and every day you look at me with this longing, wanting look in your eyes, like a man who's glimpsed the Heavens and knows he'll never go to them." You slowly started stepping toward me, and I, along with you, stepped back. "You're driving me crazy, you know that? I want you as badly as you want me, I love you as much as you love me, and I just- I just-" You were getting red in the face. I was backed against the counter, both hands clutching its edge until my knuckles were white. Our noses were an inch apart, and it was taking all the will I possessed to stay where I was, and not bridge that gap. Then you did it for me.
You leaned forward and pressed your lips against mine. They were warm and wet, and I couldn't pull away. Everything I had ever learned told me to break the kiss and send you out to do laps for improper behavior. But I couldn't.
It was what I had dreamed of, ever since I met you. It seemed like since the beginning of time this was all I had ever wanted- you, and me, and our lips, pressed together like this. I could feel your whole body against mine. Your lightly muscled form made me feel secure, protected. I wanted to stay like that forever.
I slowly let go of the countertop and snaked my arms around your neck to bury my hands in your hair. You stroked my lips gently with your tongue, and I parted them. When you slid your tongue into my mouth I stroked it gently, shyly, with my own. You responded in kind.
I don't know how long we stood there, exploring mouths with tongues and bodies with hands. Eventually you pulled away and grinned crookedly at me, saying, "I was right after all, huh?"
The sight of your face brought me back to myself. I remembered The Warrior. What would he think of this? But then I looked at you again, and realized that as long as I had you, I didn't need The Warrior. The Warrior was gone, and I wasn't empty. I was filled with you. Only you. You were all I needed.
"Yes, Duo. You were right."
~*~
We had one month. One month of stolen kisses and nights spent curled in each other's arms. If only we had remembered that a pilot's life is often short, that good things never last nowadays.
It was Quatre who told me the news. He must have drawn the short straw. He told me about the mission gone wrong, about the OZ fighters that had come out of nowhere, about how you had gone down in Deathscythe, just as you would have wanted.
I was numb. For weeks I walked around, following my usual schedule. I didn't think, I didn't feel, I didn't speak unless absolutely necessary. I saw the others. They looked at me, whispered about me. "Is he ok?" "Is this normal?"
It wasn't normal. I wasn't ok. How could I be? My soulmate, the only person, man or woman, that I would ever love, was gone. Forever. Gradually, the numbness started to dissipate. One day I looked around and realized that you weren't there, that you would never be there again. I would squeeze my eyes shut at night, trying to hold in the years. I hugged my pillow, pretending it was you. It wasn't the same.
I had two options. I could become The Warrior again. Or I could join you. I chose the only one that I could bear.
I'll love you forever.
I'll be with you soon.
-Heero
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Yup, it's a deathfic. Didn't want to give anything away at the beginning. The title has a double meaning, ne? Review! Review! I command it!