Twenty minutes after the man had left, and he'd called the front desk to pick up the solicitor, he'd collapsed onto the bed again, hoping for some relief. Why had he messed up?
Who cared, really? He obviously wasn't able to be committed to her and it wasn't fair to her. The very last thing on his mind was hurting her. Ever. But he'd known he'd already done it. A lot, too. He wondered where she was at that moment.
Right there. He knew he loved her.
He turned to see the other pillow in front of him. He reached up and pulled it out of under the blanket and put the cool surface over his face. Sighing again, he revealed his face again to the dark. To the ceiling staring back. He considered calling someone just to turn the lights off for him. He didn't want to move. And he didn't want to speak.
Well, he didn't want to speak to some people.
He would have liked to have Abby's voice in a situation like this, he thought as he lazily went to turn the light off next to him. The room grew dark in an instant and it hit him suddenly. His eyes were sore. No tears had taken him. He wouldn't let them.
He knew they should have, and that they eventually would though.
His hands met behind his head, but that position became tiring. Once again, they fell to his side. He felt like he should turn on the television in front of him, or something to make the miserable moment complete.
He hated himself.
It was the instant where he should have had ever realization hit him then and there and be motivated to get up and run to the woman he'd fallen in love with. And if possible, complete the story and ride off into a rainbow with her.
No rainbows tonight.
--
No rainbows at all.
He'd barely drifted off to sleep. The time read eleven. And he knew he had only been half asleep for thirty minutes. He was sweating. His hair was damp and glued to his forehead. He brung his hand in attempt to clear it from his face.
No luck.
He knew again that the only person who would ever help him through something like this would be Abby. Even if it was just a coffee the next day and a few silent words, being with her would help.
But she wasn't here. Abby wasn't there with him.
And it scared him.
Because he knew that he didn't get to be with her. That he'd ruined his chances. Again. How he had managed to do it twice was bewildering.
He honestly wondered whether things were actually ruined. He didn't know what their fate was now. Had he'd done away with it.
God, how he wished he hadn't.
Maybe he should call her. Maybe he shouldn't. What would he say to her, and, what would she say to him? What would she say back?
It didn't matter. He couldn't call her tonight. He should have, but he wouldn't do it.
When did it become so complicated? When he saw the beautiful woman in front of him? The one he had longed to be with in the first place for so long? Almost two years?
Hmm, he thought in pure self sarcasm, that's no reason.
He looked to the windows. Still, they were covered in the monotone drapes. The same ones he'd encountered when he arrived. He dreaded having to spend his night here in the first place, rather than her in his arms. But he knew he'd end up falling asleep, and facing curtains.
And he still hated the way he'd left things in Chicago. He hated things to start out with. He couldn't believe the kind of guy he'd been to her. He couldn't believe the kind of person he'd been - was that even close to normal behavior for him?
He had actually ruined things twice. Twice. He had always expected her to be the one to have the break first, and here he was the one who had fallen.
Fallen twice.
His throat was dry, and his breathing was raspy. He hated feeling this way. Hated it. But he had put it upon himself.
Maybe he should just call her, he thought. Its not as late in Chicago.
But was it already too late?
Too late. The words stung. He didn't like the way this was at all. At all.
He shifted again in disgust. The world was blank now, because she wasn't there. Like he'd fallen asleep to so many times. Her breathing. Her. And he'd taken it away from himself. He wondered why he'd taken such a thing for granted and for so long. He cursed himself for being such an idiot, such a fool.
He looked to the side.
11:01.
Who cared, really? He obviously wasn't able to be committed to her and it wasn't fair to her. The very last thing on his mind was hurting her. Ever. But he'd known he'd already done it. A lot, too. He wondered where she was at that moment.
Right there. He knew he loved her.
He turned to see the other pillow in front of him. He reached up and pulled it out of under the blanket and put the cool surface over his face. Sighing again, he revealed his face again to the dark. To the ceiling staring back. He considered calling someone just to turn the lights off for him. He didn't want to move. And he didn't want to speak.
Well, he didn't want to speak to some people.
He would have liked to have Abby's voice in a situation like this, he thought as he lazily went to turn the light off next to him. The room grew dark in an instant and it hit him suddenly. His eyes were sore. No tears had taken him. He wouldn't let them.
He knew they should have, and that they eventually would though.
His hands met behind his head, but that position became tiring. Once again, they fell to his side. He felt like he should turn on the television in front of him, or something to make the miserable moment complete.
He hated himself.
It was the instant where he should have had ever realization hit him then and there and be motivated to get up and run to the woman he'd fallen in love with. And if possible, complete the story and ride off into a rainbow with her.
No rainbows tonight.
--
No rainbows at all.
He'd barely drifted off to sleep. The time read eleven. And he knew he had only been half asleep for thirty minutes. He was sweating. His hair was damp and glued to his forehead. He brung his hand in attempt to clear it from his face.
No luck.
He knew again that the only person who would ever help him through something like this would be Abby. Even if it was just a coffee the next day and a few silent words, being with her would help.
But she wasn't here. Abby wasn't there with him.
And it scared him.
Because he knew that he didn't get to be with her. That he'd ruined his chances. Again. How he had managed to do it twice was bewildering.
He honestly wondered whether things were actually ruined. He didn't know what their fate was now. Had he'd done away with it.
God, how he wished he hadn't.
Maybe he should call her. Maybe he shouldn't. What would he say to her, and, what would she say to him? What would she say back?
It didn't matter. He couldn't call her tonight. He should have, but he wouldn't do it.
When did it become so complicated? When he saw the beautiful woman in front of him? The one he had longed to be with in the first place for so long? Almost two years?
Hmm, he thought in pure self sarcasm, that's no reason.
He looked to the windows. Still, they were covered in the monotone drapes. The same ones he'd encountered when he arrived. He dreaded having to spend his night here in the first place, rather than her in his arms. But he knew he'd end up falling asleep, and facing curtains.
And he still hated the way he'd left things in Chicago. He hated things to start out with. He couldn't believe the kind of guy he'd been to her. He couldn't believe the kind of person he'd been - was that even close to normal behavior for him?
He had actually ruined things twice. Twice. He had always expected her to be the one to have the break first, and here he was the one who had fallen.
Fallen twice.
His throat was dry, and his breathing was raspy. He hated feeling this way. Hated it. But he had put it upon himself.
Maybe he should just call her, he thought. Its not as late in Chicago.
But was it already too late?
Too late. The words stung. He didn't like the way this was at all. At all.
He shifted again in disgust. The world was blank now, because she wasn't there. Like he'd fallen asleep to so many times. Her breathing. Her. And he'd taken it away from himself. He wondered why he'd taken such a thing for granted and for so long. He cursed himself for being such an idiot, such a fool.
He looked to the side.
11:01.