CHAPTER THREE: WAIT
The sun went down at ten past six and Buffy felt slightly nervous about her next task at hand. Saying goodbye to Giles had been excruciating, but the next item on her agenda could prove to be just as fatal to her. Having one friend up and leave was hard, having another leave would be worse than death. For a third time.
She opened the crypt door slowly, almost expecting Spike to be behind her with a machete. She vaguely remembered that he had been brandishing one at her during their first conversation after she had been brought back. He had done most of the talking though. She wasn't even sure why she had gone there. But she did know that he had made her feel safe. He had handled her with such gentleness, such care. It was something that the Scoobies lacked in.
Spike's head poked through the opening in the floor, the blonde vampire ascending the ladder, crossbow in hand. He put it down and sighed when he saw who was standing in the entrance to his crypt.
"Slayer," he greeted.
She almost winced at that. He hadn't called her that in a while. It was always 'pet' or 'luv' or even her name, but never Slayer.
"Can we talk?" she asked.
Spike paused, contemplating the ridiculousness of that question.
"Uh…how did you put it again? Vocal chords wise yes, to each other, no."
She did wince at that. "I have to admit, I deserved that."
He looked a little guilty when he saw the pained look on her face. He perched himself onto the sarcophagus that was in the crypt and Buffy stood at the end of it.
"So…talk," he said.
She nodded and tried to compose her thoughts together.
"I wanted to apologise," she said.
His eyes widened at that. He was intrigued. The great and might Slayer apologising to him. Satan himself must have been ice-skating.
"For kissing you," she continued.
His gaze darkened.
"Come to tell me you won't stoop down to my level? That you won't go out with something without a soul? That you're the Slayer and you're here to kill me," he asked.
"No," she said simply, refusing herself to rise to the bait.
He stopped and his eyes softened a little. "Oh."
"I just…" she tried to think of the right words to say, words that wouldn't push him away. Nothing came to mind. "I can't be with you."
She almost winced at how harsh it came out. He didn't notice the look of pain on her face at the statement as he whirled around and began pacing angrily.
"Oh, I get it Slayer. Can't be with good ole Spike. Just wanna be friends and all that rot. You come in here all holier-than-you and expect me to accept the worn down excuses of me being evil and soulless and a vampire. Newsflash luv, I'm not Angelus, never wanted to be. I don't have a bloody soul and I'm still better than him," he ranted.
She went to interrupt, but he refused to stop.
"Him and his nancy boy hair gel. Well, let me tell you something Slayer. Angelus is a right sick bastard, incapable of love. You're probably thinking 'well, I've shagged one vamp and he turned evil, that means all the others will too.' Well, I gotta say Slayer, I'm not him."
"I know," she whispered.
"No you don't!" he yelled, finally facing her. "You don't know. You don't believe that I love you, you don't believe that I want to be with you. You think I'm just some pet vamp to string along. Some kicks on the side. Well let me tell you right now, I won't play that game."
"I'm not asking you to do that," she said, her voice rising with agitation.
"Well, what the bloody hell are you asking me Slayer?" he yelled.
"I'm asking you to wait!" she yelled back.
There was silence as her final word echoed around the room, bouncing off the walls. They stared at each other, so unsure of each other. Spike looked as though he wanted to start fighting, and Buffy looked as though she was torn between joining in for a little 'rough and tumble' or fleeing from his crypt. Both options were looking pretty good.
"I don't…you want me to…to wait?" Spike managed to get out.
Buffy gave a half smile and brushed a stray lock of hair out of her eyes.
"Pretty much."
"For what?"
"Me."
He cocked his scarred eyebrow upwards, staring at her with little to no comprehension of what Buffy had just asked him to do. That wasn't exactly what he had thought she would say. He had expected a simple 'leave me alone' or a 'shut up and kiss me' but asking him to wait had thrown him for a loop.
"What are you saying luv?" he asked quietly.
"I'm saying that I'm not ready. That things with me aren't good at all. That I need time. I just…Spike, I had one of the most important people in my life walk out on me today, and…it hurt. Like, really hurt," she explained. "And…I worked out that I can feel things. If I can feel that hurt, then…there's no reason why I can't feel good either. And…the other night, when I kissed you…it felt good."
Spike smirked at that but immediately wiped the expression off his face. He hadn't seen Buffy looking so serious, in relation to pondering about him since…well, ever really.
"But…I don't want to hurt you Spike. I've hurt a whole lot of people cos I was keeping stuff from them."
"Luv, I think you being in heaven constitutes a better description than 'stuff'," he said.
She glared but continued on without commenting on his snide remark.
"Do you…do you remember what I sang. Outside the Bronze?"
"Sorta."
"This isn't real, but I just wanna feel," she quoted softly. "I don't…I can't do that. Not to you. Not after everything that you've done for me. You deserve better than that. I just…I wanna make sure this is real Spike. Kissing you was the most amazing feeling I've had since I came back and…and I wanna feel like that again, but…I wanna make sure that this thing with you is real. I can't just use you to make myself feel something."
He stayed silent, wondering how many more surprises this girl was going to pull on him. He had never met anyone who could keep him guessing like Buffy could.
"So…you want me to wait for you? Like back off until you know what you want?"
"I don't want you to back off. I….Spike, I…I like where we're at. As friends. I like where we're heading, but…I'm not ready to be what you want me to be," she said.
"What I want-"
"Spike, you were with Dru for over a century. I get that if you're gonna do this, it's gonna be a forever type of deal," she said.
Spike just looked at her, completely dumbfounded. He had just yelled at this girl for not understanding him, when really, she understood him better than she let on. He had a feeling that a year ago, she would never have wanted to have that kind of an understanding for him, but here she was, explaining that she knew what she would be in for if they were ever to get together.
"I just…could we just…be friends?" she asked timidly.
Spike still couldn't believe what was going on. He stepped towards her and was comforted when she didn't back away. He brought his hand up to her cheek and caressed it gently. He moved forward and kissed her other cheek softly.
"Yeah luv," he whispered softly, bringing her towards him to hug her. "We can be friends."