Carter stood in front of himself in the mirror. He was disgusted with the image reflected back to him. He grunted in reply and walked away.
He couldn't have a baby with her, he said to himself. It was sick the way he agreed to it to satisfy his own feelings. He wanted to have a baby with her, when he knew in reality he wasn't going to get that.
That was the worst way to treat a friend.
He knew he would have to tell her, and he didn't want to wait. He seriously feared he might lie to himself, tell himself he was doing the right thing. Then, with that lie, he would change his mind and decide to go ahead with having the baby anyway.
He could never do this to her. That definitely qualified for dishonesty, and any other category under "scum." But, what would it have been like to have a baby with Abby? A little child for between the two of them. Someone they could love together.
This wasn't the way to do it, he told himself over and over again. He wanted to be with her, and one day he would tell her. He knew they were supposed to be together. He knew they were meant to be together. But they weren't. And nothing was more devastating than that.
His fingers aimlessly drew back the covers to his bed, uncomfortable and stale. It wouldn't bring him any consolation tonight, he knew. It wouldn't allow him to clutch his heart in pain, and it wouldn't allow him to die right there.
If Abby was the person he was supposed to be with... then - well, he didn't know what to think anymore. His world had been confusing without her. He'd been dipped into depression, which he still hadn't fully recovered from.
The first day back from the hospital she'd told him she was sorry. She told him that she was sorry again and hugged him. He hugged her with every last bit of strength he had had and then she walked away. That was all that he had been able to be near her.
Other than that, meals at Doc Magoo's sporadically and brief moments at the admit desk or in patient care was all they'd spent together. He'd watch her nonetheless as she made her way through the ER's maze with an armful of charts or suture kits or something...
At the end of the day, all he wanted to do was plop down on the lounge's couch with Abby next to him, or nestled sweetly in his arms. But days like that were over. For good, he imagined. At least for now. Funny, and sadly, the way things worked out had taken a toll on him.
Now, honestly, his days weren't as crafted as they used to be. But he'd gone on for six months. Everyday he told himself that it would last just another six more. Nothing helped. No medicine. Not work. Seeing her everyday at County made it harder and harder.
The only thing that would push him over the line was seeing her with Luka. That would drive him in the wrong direction.
As far as he knew, she'd been without a partner since he'd left for San Francisco.
He wondered if he hurt her. He knew he made her sad, but he had only told her he loved her. Nothing more. If only he'd explained to her everything else in her mind. Everything else that he felt.
He felt enough to tell someone. But he wanted to tell her so bad. He wanted to tell her that he couldn't live without her.
He would marry her and have kids with her. Lots of them. And they'd all live happily ever after...
Damn fairytales.
Nothing ever worked out like that.
Why didn't they? None of this mess would have ever become if things worked out like fairytales. If anything had, would he still be questioning his life? Maybe that was the key to living. Mistakes. Much like himself.
He had to give her a straight answer. He owed her. He owed her everything in the world, and the first and simplest thing was pure honesty. The one thing that every relationship, romance to friendship, was supposed to have.
He had to tell her no before he told himself yes.
--
"Abby, come here," he rushed, looking behind his shoulder to make sure no one would call him away.
With a chart in her hand, she looked up, puzzled. "What? Just let me finish this - "
"No," he said sternly. "Now, please."
She raised her eyebrows for a second and tilted her head. "What is it?"
"Just," he stammered, "just come on." He grabbed her hand as she tripped over her own feet to get to the lounge. They opened the door to see some of the nurses flipping through magazines.
"Crap," Chuny said with a smile. "They found us."
"I don't care what you do," he said quickly. "Just, could you guys give us a minute?"
Haleh nodded in mischievous understanding. Not to mention completely false. "Sure," she said with a grin. To Chuny and Conni, she suggested, "Shall we try the cafeteria?"
Abby laughed as they walked out, but Carter's face was still drawn to a frown. He still felt sick from this morning's thoughts. If only he could have a family, a life with this woman he loved.
"So," she said quietly. "What's up?"
"I can't do this," he said in a rush. He didn't wait for her to question him any further. "We can't have a baby. Its impossible."
"I'm not asking *you* to have any part in this - "
"That's the problem."
"You want to have this baby with me?" she said. "Is that it?"
"Partially," he whispered. "There's too much history. Don't you think? Its insane. Why, out of every other man you can have, do you choose me?"
She shrugged sadly and sat down on the couch.
"Just because."
His eyes darted from side to side. "Why do you want to have a baby?"
She shrugged again. She put her hands over her face to hide her expression, whatever it might be this time. "I don't."
"Did you ever?"
"I thought I did, I was sure I did until now."
Carter's heart felt like it stopped for a second. He wasn't sure why, but he felt sicker still. "You don't want a baby," he began, "to make up for one you lost do you?"
He was *sure.* He was *sure* he heard her sniffle with a tear, but he didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry, Abby," he said gently, moving toward her. "But that's not the reason to have a baby."
"I know," she said, trying to hide her tears. "I thought that if there was a baby with us, we'd have something."
He didn't know how to respond to that, so he figured the dumb answer. "You mean like a relationship?"
She nodded. "God, I love you."
--
next chapter's the last
half my site's up: alloutcarby.cjb.net [still screwed up a bit]
Where's Em been to? I haven't heard from her in a *while.*
-me
He couldn't have a baby with her, he said to himself. It was sick the way he agreed to it to satisfy his own feelings. He wanted to have a baby with her, when he knew in reality he wasn't going to get that.
That was the worst way to treat a friend.
He knew he would have to tell her, and he didn't want to wait. He seriously feared he might lie to himself, tell himself he was doing the right thing. Then, with that lie, he would change his mind and decide to go ahead with having the baby anyway.
He could never do this to her. That definitely qualified for dishonesty, and any other category under "scum." But, what would it have been like to have a baby with Abby? A little child for between the two of them. Someone they could love together.
This wasn't the way to do it, he told himself over and over again. He wanted to be with her, and one day he would tell her. He knew they were supposed to be together. He knew they were meant to be together. But they weren't. And nothing was more devastating than that.
His fingers aimlessly drew back the covers to his bed, uncomfortable and stale. It wouldn't bring him any consolation tonight, he knew. It wouldn't allow him to clutch his heart in pain, and it wouldn't allow him to die right there.
If Abby was the person he was supposed to be with... then - well, he didn't know what to think anymore. His world had been confusing without her. He'd been dipped into depression, which he still hadn't fully recovered from.
The first day back from the hospital she'd told him she was sorry. She told him that she was sorry again and hugged him. He hugged her with every last bit of strength he had had and then she walked away. That was all that he had been able to be near her.
Other than that, meals at Doc Magoo's sporadically and brief moments at the admit desk or in patient care was all they'd spent together. He'd watch her nonetheless as she made her way through the ER's maze with an armful of charts or suture kits or something...
At the end of the day, all he wanted to do was plop down on the lounge's couch with Abby next to him, or nestled sweetly in his arms. But days like that were over. For good, he imagined. At least for now. Funny, and sadly, the way things worked out had taken a toll on him.
Now, honestly, his days weren't as crafted as they used to be. But he'd gone on for six months. Everyday he told himself that it would last just another six more. Nothing helped. No medicine. Not work. Seeing her everyday at County made it harder and harder.
The only thing that would push him over the line was seeing her with Luka. That would drive him in the wrong direction.
As far as he knew, she'd been without a partner since he'd left for San Francisco.
He wondered if he hurt her. He knew he made her sad, but he had only told her he loved her. Nothing more. If only he'd explained to her everything else in her mind. Everything else that he felt.
He felt enough to tell someone. But he wanted to tell her so bad. He wanted to tell her that he couldn't live without her.
He would marry her and have kids with her. Lots of them. And they'd all live happily ever after...
Damn fairytales.
Nothing ever worked out like that.
Why didn't they? None of this mess would have ever become if things worked out like fairytales. If anything had, would he still be questioning his life? Maybe that was the key to living. Mistakes. Much like himself.
He had to give her a straight answer. He owed her. He owed her everything in the world, and the first and simplest thing was pure honesty. The one thing that every relationship, romance to friendship, was supposed to have.
He had to tell her no before he told himself yes.
--
"Abby, come here," he rushed, looking behind his shoulder to make sure no one would call him away.
With a chart in her hand, she looked up, puzzled. "What? Just let me finish this - "
"No," he said sternly. "Now, please."
She raised her eyebrows for a second and tilted her head. "What is it?"
"Just," he stammered, "just come on." He grabbed her hand as she tripped over her own feet to get to the lounge. They opened the door to see some of the nurses flipping through magazines.
"Crap," Chuny said with a smile. "They found us."
"I don't care what you do," he said quickly. "Just, could you guys give us a minute?"
Haleh nodded in mischievous understanding. Not to mention completely false. "Sure," she said with a grin. To Chuny and Conni, she suggested, "Shall we try the cafeteria?"
Abby laughed as they walked out, but Carter's face was still drawn to a frown. He still felt sick from this morning's thoughts. If only he could have a family, a life with this woman he loved.
"So," she said quietly. "What's up?"
"I can't do this," he said in a rush. He didn't wait for her to question him any further. "We can't have a baby. Its impossible."
"I'm not asking *you* to have any part in this - "
"That's the problem."
"You want to have this baby with me?" she said. "Is that it?"
"Partially," he whispered. "There's too much history. Don't you think? Its insane. Why, out of every other man you can have, do you choose me?"
She shrugged sadly and sat down on the couch.
"Just because."
His eyes darted from side to side. "Why do you want to have a baby?"
She shrugged again. She put her hands over her face to hide her expression, whatever it might be this time. "I don't."
"Did you ever?"
"I thought I did, I was sure I did until now."
Carter's heart felt like it stopped for a second. He wasn't sure why, but he felt sicker still. "You don't want a baby," he began, "to make up for one you lost do you?"
He was *sure.* He was *sure* he heard her sniffle with a tear, but he didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry, Abby," he said gently, moving toward her. "But that's not the reason to have a baby."
"I know," she said, trying to hide her tears. "I thought that if there was a baby with us, we'd have something."
He didn't know how to respond to that, so he figured the dumb answer. "You mean like a relationship?"
She nodded. "God, I love you."
--
next chapter's the last
half my site's up: alloutcarby.cjb.net [still screwed up a bit]
Where's Em been to? I haven't heard from her in a *while.*
-me