Scared That I Might Need You
Even The Sound
Your eyes
As we said our goodbyes
Why does distance make us wise?
And I find
I can't hide
From your eyes—
Aaaaugh!
She's gone. I have to accept this, have to get over her, have to—it's not easy. The girl didn't leave anything behind, but she's everywhere in this apartment. God, I don't think there's a thing in here that doesn't remind me of her somehow. My old Well Hungarians shirt that she used to wear to bed; hell, anything involving the band reminds me of her. And almost everything I own relates to the band. That, or AIDS. Fuck, even the sound of my beeper going off sends images of Mimi flying through my mind.
Even though I don't know how I got here, I find myself standing in the doorway of Mark's room—the one place she was never able to touch. And tears are absolutely streaming down my face.
Mimi would laugh her ass off if she could see me now. Roger Davis crying over a woman? Ha, she never knew that I cried over her while we were together too. After big fights, when she was really sick—whenever I thought I was gonna lose her. I just never let her see me, I couldn't let her know how weak I really was. Funny to think that I lost her anyway.
Damnit, Roger, stop thinking about Mimi and being such a tool! "Mark?" I whisper in a hoarse voice, hoping he can't see my face in the almost-darkness. "You awake?"
A blonde head, hair all over the place, peeks up from the covers. It tips towards me comically, and I would probably laugh if I weren't so upset right now. "I am now," Mark groans, rubbing his face with one hand and groping for his glasses with the other. "What's up, Rog?" He finally finds his glasses and I just start to pray that they won't make him able to see me crying. I know, glasses don't make him able to see in the dark, but the increased clearness might make him able to see through the dark.
"I'm… I'm just…" I stutter a little, unwilling to talk in longer sentences until I calm myself down. He'll be able to tell that I'm—it's not that I've never cried in front of Mark before, it's just that it's not exactly common. Besides, it seems so stupid to be upset because I miss Mimi, now that I have to say it out loud. "I just keep thinking about her," I finally manage simply.
Mark's features soften and all traces of sleepiness are immediately wiped away. "I know, Rog. Commere?" He holds his arms out towards me and I automatically go over, letting him hug me.
I know that to anyone outside, it would seem kinda gay, but this is just the way our friendship is. I don't know how it happened—I've always had a physical-contact addiction and Mark's just touch-y, I guess. But I have so many memories of holding Mark, taking care of him when he had nightmares when we first moved to the city. Or of Mark taking such good care of me, sharing my bed when I was so sick… It's just the way things are.
"I miss her so much," I mumble, dropping my head so my forehead's resting on his shoulder. I know that Mark knows I'm crying now, my back's shaking. He has to be able to feel that, he'd be an idiot not to be able to. "I don't like being alone."
Mark gingerly rubs my back, letting me cry, and I'm grateful to him for it. Anyone else would just be babbling, trying to "comfort" me, and I'd be about ready to hit them. Still, I felt Mark tense up when I said about being alone. "Roger? Are you… uh… are you really upset about Mimi leaving, or is this about being alone?"
What? Why would Mark ask that? My eyes widen and my back stiffens a little. "I… Of course it's about Mimi. I loved her more than anyone, ever. She was my life, I don't know how she could have left me." And I'm lying through my teeth. It's not just me missing Mimi, it is me not wanting to be alone. I wasn't necessarily good when I was with Rachel, but at least I was better.
"Roger…" Damn, he sees straight through me. Why can't I lie to Mark? I stare up at him, eyes pleading. I don't want to go through this right now. I've never gone with that whole 'sharing what you're feeling' thing, and now is definitely not time to go into my emotions.
I find myself snuggling into Mark's arms more now, wanting him to just hold me and not talk. Holy shit, did I just think 'snuggle' in regards to Mark? Isn't that something your girlfriend does? I lift my head up again and… yes, what Mark and I are doing is definitely in the 'snuggling-cuddling' territory.
Alright… I guess that's a friendship thing too then…
I automatically settle my head back against Mark, there's obviously nothing unusual about this to him. I'm just overreacting, probably from all the upset-ness of tonight. Finally, Mark sits up a little, rubbing his forehead and taking off his glasses. "Rog? I don't want to be mean, or anything, but I'm tired. I'm not used to running on zero hours of sleep, like a certain other man in this room."
He's kicking me out? I don't want to be alone tonight, he can't! "I… uh…" I start to stutter again, my eyes wide. I don't want to act like a wimp, but I just can't deal with this right now.
"Oh, Roger." Mark rolls his eyes and lays down between the covers. 'Oh Roger', what? I suddenly realize that he's grinning and holding his arms out. "Come here, you baby. You can stay here tonight."
A grin crosses my face too as I strip down to my boxers and lay down in Mark's arms. It feels good to be held by someone who doesn't expect anything in return.
Author's Note: Yay M/R! I think they're cute… Anyway, reviews make me happier than sex dice.