[A/N: Well, you guys asked for it. Don't blame me if it sucks. Heh heh, just kidding. Thanks to Era (Moridin the Master) for some great song ideas. You're such a good servant. More tarts? lol I didn't put in Moiraine's Without Me since it's already posted separately. Fortunately, I had an abundance of songs. I actually tried to structure the countdown the way it was this summer. Enough of me going on, here's the story.
WOT TRL- Episode 2
Attack of the Phones
[A blue screen with red letters saying WOT TRL appears. It fades to screaming people lined up on the street. They are holding signs that say, "Rand is a QT!", "Mat I Luv U!", and, "Faile U Suck". The camera pulls back to the studio where an old gray haired man is standing with a microphone. The audience behind him is making everyone deaf with their ear-splitting screams.]
Old Gary Haired Man: Hello everyone. And welcome to the second torturous episode of WOT TRL. My name's Thom Merrilin and I've been forced...er...I mean asked to host the second episode. Yeah. That's it. Anyway, as I'm sure many of you have already figured out, this is a complete rip-off of MTV's TRL. So we're going to play the Westland's top 10 videos for today. Before we start, the customary Impressive Imposing Beginning must come on the screen.
[An Impressive Imposing Beginning appears on the screen.]
Impressive Imposing Beginning: The Wheel of Time endlessly turns to create the story that never ends. Impossibly long Ages come and pass, leaving recollections that become legend. Legend fades until everyone has forgotten what the stupid story was about in the first place. Even myth is long forgotten like it usually is. In one Age, called the Thousandth by all readers, an Age yet to come before the series is finished, an Age long past when we actually had lives, a wind rose in the cold Northeast. The wind was not a beginning. How could a wind ever be a beginning you idiot? There are neither beginnings nor endings to the writing of Robert Jordan's pen as we all know by now. But it was a beginning. Where does he come up with these ideas? Must be on crack or something...
[Impressive Imposing Beginning fades from the screen. Thom and the audience are mesmerized. Thom finally shakes himself awake.]
Thom: Those beginnings always seem to have that effect on people. I wonder if subliminal messages are possibly hidden in there...Anyways, let's start with our number 10 video. It's the Dark One with "Welcome to Shayol Ghul".
~~~
Album: Hand of the Dark
Artist: Dark Day
Song: Welcome to Shayol Ghul
Dear Dragon can you hear me calling
It's been three whole weeks since I have left you alone
Your fear has left you trembling
Cause now it seems that you're out there on your own
And you're feelin so alone
[Chorus]
Pay attention to fire pits and the pointy spikes
Some call it frightful Chosen call it nice
I wanna take you through a wasteland I like to call my home
Welcome to Shayol Ghul
A piercing scream rings out at the mountain
Another borderlander snaps and left dead on his own
It makes me wonder why they're still here
No pleasant dreams and it's now feelin like my home
And I'm never gonna go
[Chorus]
Dear Dragon can you hear me laughing
It's been six whole months since you have killed my Chosen
It makes me wonder why you're still there
No pleasant dreams and it's now feelin like my home
And I'm never gonna go
[Chorus]
Oh Shayol Ghul
~~~
Thom: Wow, great song. Though I do wonder who voted for that one...Well heck, everyone knows we fudge the numbers here, so let's go on to video number 9. It's the Seanchan with "The Middle".
[A/N: I imagined this would be the song that the Seanchan commander would sing to them when they've lost a battle. Yeah, I know it's kind of weird, but give me a break, I was running out of ideas.]
~~~
Artist: Seanchan Eat Westlands
Album: Bleed Randland
Song: The Middle
Hey
Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best
Try every war technique you can
And don't worry what those Westland idiots tell themselves when you're away
[Chorus]
It just takes some time
Vast army, you're in the middle of a riot
Everything everything will be just fine
Everything everything will be all right all right
Hey
You know they're all the same
You know we're doing better under the Empress (may she live forever) so don't buy in
Live right now
Just do your duty
It doesn't matter if that's good enough for them
[Chorus 2x]
Hey
Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best
Do everything you can
Don't you worry what the Dragon Reborn will say
[Chorus 2x]
~~~
Thom: And now let's take our first break. We'll be back in ten to twenty minutes depending on how much advertising money we need. Thank you.
[A screen with the words "Real World: Shayol Ghul" comes on and a cheesy voice talks.]
Cheesy Voice: Are you ready for a whole new season of the Real World? The crazy show where we put 7 Forsaken in a house and see what kind of violence they inflict upon each other. This season we're in the hoppin' mountain of Shayol Ghul of death, pain, and chaos. We've got seven new Forsaken to watch: Moridin, Aginor, Demandred, Graendal, Semirhage, Mesaana, and Moghedien. And see what kind of fights they get into!
[Moridin channeling a plate at Mesaana's head and Demandred and Graendal arguing.]
Cheesy Voice: Don't miss this fun this season! We're sure to have someone killed!
[Returns to Thom and the studio.]
Thom: Hi and welcome back to WOT TRL. I really don't have much to say, so let's go to our number 8 video, Good Andorans with "Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man.
[A/N: Not a well-known band, Good Charlotte, and I'm sorry if you haven't heard of them. But they're awesome, check them out!]
~~~
Artist: Good Andorans
Album: The Dirty and the Poor
Song: Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man
Always see it in the castles or hear about it through the grape vine
Aes Sedai who want sympathy
All they do is channel and moan
Inside the White Tower
Talking about how hard life can be
I'd like to see them spend a week
Livin' life out on the street
I don't think they would survive
If they could spend a day or two without their channeling tricks
I think they'd stumble and they'd fall
They would fall, fall
[Chorus]
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man
They're always complaining
Always complaining
If the end of the world is such a problem
Well they got the Dragon Reborn
Think we should rob them
Did you know when you were a channeler
You could kill anyone and there was no such thing as guards locking you up for life
As long as you got the power to blow them up
And did you know if you were caught and you were smoking tabac
Robert Jordan wouldn't even really care
You could always just run for major of Two Rivers
I'd like to see them spend a week
Livin' life out on the street
I don't think they would survive
If they could spend a day or two without their channeling tricks
I think they'd stumble and they'd fall
They would fall, fall
[Chorus]
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man
They're always complaining
Always complaining
If the end of the world is such a problem
You got so many problems
Think I can solve them
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man
We'll take clothes, food, coins, and homes just stop complaining
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man [3x]
~~~
Thom: Lovely. Now let's go to Bran Al'Vere, the major of Two Rivers for some news in the world of music and...other stuff. Bran?
Bran: Well, it seems as if another band as broken up. Sevanna of "The Aiel Sisters" has left the band to pursue other plans. When asked what these plans were, she refused to comment. The other sisters of the band declined the chance to comment as well. It looks as though we won't be seeing the famed band anytime soon, or at least until they get a replacement member.
Thom: Thank you. Hey, did you ever notice that the Wheel of Time symbol looks like Mickey Mouse ears? Yet another subliminal message folks! Let's go to the number 7 video, Rand with "My Anthem Part 2"
~~~
Album: Take Off Your Breeches and Coat
Artist: Rand 182
Song: My Anthem Part 2
Everything has fallen to pieces
Randland's dyin help me Creator
I need guidance I've been mislead
Young and hostile but not stupid
Corrupt nobles kings and queens
Turn my back they're plottin against me
Laws that rule the cities and countries
Prophecies that caution the Dragon's unsafe
[Chorus]
We really need to see this through
We never wanted to have Tarmon Gaid'an
I'll never give up its no use
If I'm insane up he's to blame (points to Lews Therin)
Let this palace smolder slowly
Innocents are victim in this story
Drown the public will useless warnings
Prophecies of the Dragon they're messed up and boring
[Chorus]
Everything has fallen to pieces
Everything has fallen to pieces
Everything has fallen to pieces
Everything has fallen to pieces
[Chorus]
~~~
Thom: So, to find out what happens when Grandmas go spelunking, let's take a commercial break.
[Woman sitting at a desk appears.]
Woman: Are you an aspiring inventor? But do your friends laugh and mock you? Well, come to The Dragon Reborn's School for Future Inventors. We here at DRSFI encourage you to experiment and research new ideas for the upcoming Age. We offer tuition programs as well as financial aids funds for you to get your idea off the ground. If you're interested in this exciting new prospect, call 1-800-INVENT and we'll get you started on your way to discovering new innovations.
[Returns to Thom in the studio.]
Thom: And welcome back everyone. We're not even halfway through the countdown and it's torture for me, but let's jump right back in with number 6, Egwene with "The End With You".
[A/N: Another not well-known band, Box Car Racer, a branch off of Blink-182. Sorry, if you haven't heard of them. This song is Track 11 off their CD, I didn't really have to change the lyrics too much, and I thought it fit with Egwene so well.]
~~~
Album: The Amyrlin Seat
Artist: The Amyrlin Seat
Song: The End With You
Blood and bloody ashes!
Our days are runnin thin
Our hopes will start to fall
I can feel the world collapse around me from within
The prophecies keep comin by
To let us know when Rand will die
And please Creator will you forgive us and give us one more try
If you will then we'll go
As fast as we go far
Maybe we'll be forgotten when the world is torn apart
I've been up all night long
Counting days that all went wrong
I walked out into the snow
I wish this pain was gone
There are no useful herbs to escape from feeling numb
I remember the Two Rivers I remember when I was young
[2x]
If you will then we'll go
As fast as we go far
Maybe we'll be forgotten when the world is torn apart
Cause the sun won't be so blinding
And the rains will finally come
The ashes will slowly pile up
Just to prove we're finally done
Blood and bloody ashes!
~~~
Thom: And guess what? We're very privileged to have the Amyrlin Seat herself come visit us today! That's right, Egwene Al'Vere is here!
[Scattering claps from the audience as Egwene enters the studio. People back away from her and mutter behind their backs.]
Thom: Wow, Egwene, that's amazing. You got even less of a welcome than Rand did! And he's the Dragon Reborn, people are supposed to be afraid of him!
Egwene: Shut-up! And I'll thank you to call me Mother!
Thom: Hey! I knew you back before you got all high and mighty. I remember when we went to the Eye of the World and-
Egwene: Shut-up.
Thom: Ummm...okay. Well, tell us how you've been in the last few months.
Egwene: Busy! I've got a war to plan you know! They need my leadership! I've got so many things to do and I'm starting to wonder about-
Thom: That's nice. Let's discuss your new album. The last song on the countdown was off it right? Tell us about it.
Egwene: *sniff* My album is a collection of songs that I sing all about the struggles of being an Aes Sedai and Amyrlin Seat.
Thom: Yeah right...
Egwene: *sniff* Well, if you're going to be that way, I'm going to have to leave! I have important things to do as leader of the Broken Tower.
Thom: Okay, okay. What kinds of songs are on your album exactly?
Egwene: All different types really. There's even some rap on it.
[Snickers from the audience. Egwene turns to give them her best Aes Sedai stare. They shut up quickly.]
Thom: (obviously trying not to laugh as well) So what are your upcoming plans for the future?
Elayne: Well, I mean to storm the White Tower and kill Elaida as violently as possible.
Thom: (seems a little disturbed) Well, I'm sure you have dozens of things to do as head of the Aes Sedai...yes, you really must be going now.
Egwene: Oh but I can stay a little while longer. I've got-
Thom: Darn, it's such a shame you have to leave. So sorry.
Egwene: But I-
[Thom pushes her out of the studio.]
Thom: Come back not so soon! See you later! And now let's take a break.
[A man in a black cloak appears. He is standing next to a mountain and he has a mask on.]
Man in black cloak: We need your help. Join the Army of the Dark One now. Be part of the legendary battle that will crush and destroy Rand Al'Thor. As an onion of the Dark, you will even receive free benefits courtesy of the Dark One himself. We offer free dental care as well as health settlements so after you get injured in battle, you can recover fully. As well as these generous benefits, you will also receive 15 days of paid vacation to use whenever you like. Provided that you don't use them when we are in battle. As a consort of the Army of the Dark, you will also get your share of the riches we steal from Rand Al'Thor and his stupid military. Just think about this magnificent opportunity. A chance to serve in the greatest army of the world, as well as have clean and pretty teeth. Don't delay! Call now at 1-800-DARKONE.
Thom: And welcome back to WOT TRL, the show that helps you waste your time efficiently. Number 5 on the countdown is Lews Therin with "In The End".
~~~
Artist: Lews Therin
Album: The Dragon Theory
Song: In The End
(It starts with)
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the war goes by
Watch it count down to the end of my life
The Dark One touches us
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch my life go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch her go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried
The world fell apart and it all fell on me
I'll eventually be a memory of a time when I tried
So hard
[Chorus]
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way the Forsaken were mocking me
Acting like I was the Dragon to save the world
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
No one would even recognize me anymore
Not that they knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
I kept everything inside and even though I tried
The world fell apart and it all fell on me
I'll eventually be a memory of a time when I
I tried so hard
[Chorus]
I've put my trust in Rand
Pushed as far as he can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in Rand
Pushed as far as he can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
~~~
Thom: Lovely. A little disturbing nonetheless, but...interesting. You know, I hate it when a beloved character dies, but losing Lews Therin, would be great! And next on the countdown is a song by the Robert Jordan fans, "iF yoU C Jordan".
[A/N: Another unknown band, Something Corporate. But the song title fit so well.]
~~~
Artist: Something Corrupt
Album: Leaving WoT Behind
Song: iF yoU C Jordan
I have a story
A bitter anthem
For all fantasy readers to hear
About this author who just don't like us
And that's a solid fact
They say he's stalling us
And as you see we're all swelled up with anxiety
'Cuz he won't publish CoT
[Chorus]
If you see Jordan
He makes me sad
WoT's not over
And he still won't quit
We tried to steal Glimmers over the Internet
And man he didn't like that
We nearly cried and said to yell at Harriet
Like we do at wotmania
Then you drove home real quick
Did you make it in time to tug your braid?
There's one too many epic story writer in this world
[Chorus]
You say it's chivalry
But it's jealously that lead us to this song
Will play it often
Just least until he writes another book
We'll stop at nothing but the whole thing
He tried to brainwash us with the prologue
[Chorus]
Bloody Jordan
You make us sad
WoT's not over
I don't care if you say you need more time
You'll always leave us hanging!
~~~
Thom: My memory's like an elephant that's lost it's memory, and therefore we must go to yet another break.
[A man with a mask on and a deep voice sits at a desk menacingly.]
Man: Have you seen this man?
[Holds up a picture of one known as Rand Al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn.]
Man: We here at...er...Forsaken Enterprises are in search of this man. If you have any information as to his whereabouts and those traveling with him, we would like you to call this number.
[Number flashes on screen. 1-800-DIERAND.]
Man: Be rest assured that when you help us track down this menace of a man; you will be...er...helping the good of the Dark One. Thank you.
[Returns to Thom in the studio.]
Thom: Welcome back to WOT TRL. I'm Thom Merrilin and we're in the middle of WOT TRL countdown. Let's go over to Faile at the news desk for some info on upcoming shows here at MTV. Faile?
Faile: *sniff* Thank you Thom. Well, we have a busy week coming up here. After TRL, the popular show, "Cooking and Decorating Tips from Narg" will be coming on, and you don't want to miss that. Narg will be showing up how to make butter cookies for Winternight and how we can decorate our pumpkins in the shape of gruesome figures for Halloween. He will also be showing us how to make attractive fall napkin holders and be explaining the origin of mayonnaise. After that, we have the premiere of The Real World: Shayol Ghul. Later this week, we'll have "Decorating Sense" with Legolas and Gimli from Lord of the Rings and "Creating the Happy Home" with Cersi Lannister from A Song of Fire and Ice. We'll also have Dr. Cauthon's new show about analyzing your dreams and feelings. Don't miss all the fun this week here at MTV! Or did we turn into HGTV? Oh well...
Thom: Thank you Faile. Our next guest is one of high prestige and honor, loved by all fans. That's right goldfish and monkeys; I'm talking about Narg, the Intelligent Trolloc!! Well, really Narg Reborn since Rand killed him, but let's welcome him anyway. He's here to talk to us about his wildly popular show Faile just mentioned!
[Narg enters the studio to wild applause and screams. He seems bewildered and walks over to Thom.]
Thom: Heh heh, you have more fans than Egwene does! (snickers)
Narg: Narg smart. Narg like TV.
Thom: Ah good, well why don't you tell us a little about this show of yours. It's had massive success and is gaining quite a strong following.
Narg: Narg like to decorate. And cook wild animals. Narg tie pretty bows around napkins and make home-scented candles. Narg enjoy TV show. Narg will crush Martha Stewart.
Thom: Heh heh, wouldn't we all like to! And now it's time to play everyone's favorite game...the Wringer!
[A/N: This is a stupid game they play on TRL if you've never seen it.]
Narg: Wring! Narg like to wring arms off of bodies!
Thom: Err...yes well. Are you ready to play the game Narg?
Narg: Narg ready.
Thom: Good. First question: Whom would you rather sit next to on an airplane? Moiraine or Nynaeve?
Narg: Narg no like sniffy women. Narg rip their heads off.
Thom: Okay...not a bad answer either...So, next question. Is it true you had an affair with a Myrddraal?
Narg: Uhhh...Narg...Narg like...uhhh...
Thom: I'll take that as a yes. What color socks do you wear?
Narg: Narg like pink.
Thom: Wonderful, that's my favorite color too! It's said stupid minds think alike! If you were stranded on a desert island and could only take one thing, what would it be?
Narg: Narg like coconuts. Lots of coconuts.
Thom: And the last question: What qualities do you think are the most important in a person? Or Trolloc rather.
Narg: You. Narg like you.
Thom: Umm...
[Narg rushes forward and tries to hug Thom.]
Thom: Security! Let's get this Trolloc out of here! And let's take a commercial break please!!!
[A man sitting a table appears and he is dressed in all yellow.]
Man: Good evening. Are you tired of your current religion? Are you fed up with the Creator and his non-existent help? Then you need a change in philosophy, and we can help you! Join the Way of the Banana. We worship fruits of all shapes and sizes and offer sacrifices of Cheese-Nips to them. Ah, the power of Cheese! Live your life in peace and guidance through the way of fruits and other assorted vegetables/plants. Call 1-800-FRUITCAKE for your free booklet on the Way of the Banana. And if you call now, we'll throw in a free Vege-tales video so you can learn about the traditions of friendship and love with brainless vegetables. Thank you. And walk in the celery.
[Thom comes back on the screen with disheveled clothes and hair.]
Thom: Ah yes, that Narg...very interesting Trolloc. Such a pity I didn't have time to get his phone number. Oh! Where were we? Oh yeah, number 3 on the countdown. This is Rand and Elayne with "Dilemma".
~~~
Artist: Rand w/ Elayne
Album: Dragonville
Song: Dilemma
Elayne:
I love and I need you
Rand, I love you, I do
Need you
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm playing at the queen
Boy, I know you're crazy over me
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm at my council meetings
You know I'm crazy over you
Rand:
Uh-uh-uh-uh
I met this girl when I fell over the wall and hit my head
And she got the hots for me, the finest thing I need to see
But oh, no, no, she got a mean brother and mother, oh-oh, but that's okay
'Cause I wait for my cue and just listen, play my position
Like the channeler that I am, blow up everything
And in no time I better this girl to me and that's for sure
'Cause I-I never been the type to steal the queen from country
But there's something 'bout this nasty girl, I just can't leave her 'lone
So tell me, Lews, what should I do?
She said, "You don't know what you mean to me," come on
Elayne:
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm playing at the queen
Boy, I know you're crazy over me
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm at my council meetings
You know I'm crazy over you
Rand:
Uh-uh-uh-uh
Min saw a lot in your aura and she never say a word
I know how Aes Sedai start actin' all high, and hate up all the men
And there's no way you can resist me
Ain't playin with no damane, as you could see
But I-I like your tease, your style, your whole demeanor
The way you come through and sniff at me, and give me that icy cold look of yours
Now that's special and I got special ways to thank ya, don't you forget it
But it ain't that easy for you to back up and leave your brother behind
But you and me we got ties for different reasons
I respect that and right before I turned to leave
She said, "You don't know what you mean to me," come on
Elayne:
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
You know I'm crazy over you
Sing it for me, K
I love and I need you
Rand, I love you, I do
And it's more than you'll ever know
Dragon, it's for sure
You can always count on my love
Forever more, yeah, yeah
Rand:
Cairhien, I know you're shakin' right
Illian, I know you're bouncin' right
Tarabon, I know you're walkin' right
('Cause you don't know what you mean to me)
Andor, I see you swingin' right
Elayne:
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
You know I'm crazy over you
Rand:
Cairhien, I know you're shakin' right
Illian, I know you're bouncin' right
Tarabon, I know you're walkin' right
('Cause you don't know what you mean to me)
Andor, I see you swingin' right
(Repeat 2x)
Elayne:
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
You know I'm crazy over you
Yeah, yeah
Rand:
Cairhien, I know you're shakin' right
Illian, I know you're bouncin' right
Tarabon, I know you're walkin' right
('Cause you don't know what you mean to me)
Andor, I see you swingin' right
(Repeat 2x)
~~~
Thom: *gasp* I know you're all wondering who's number 1 today...but too bad because we're only on video 2.
[A green penguin named Drake waddles onto the stage holding a jar of poppy seeds.]
Drake: Poppy seeds!
[The green penguin waddles off again and no one notices.]
Thom: This is Aginor with "Forsaken Boy".
~~~
Artist: Aginor
Album: Let Go
Song: Forsaken Boy
He was a boy
I was a man too
Can I make it any more obvious
He was a historian
I did biological experiments
What more can I say
He wanted women
I'd never tell secretly I wanted them as well
But the Great Lord
Stuck up his nose
He had a problem with his womanizing ways
He was a history boy
Rand said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough to face the Dragon
He had a pretty face
But his head was up in space
He needed to come back down to earth
3 months from then
He's re-incarnated
Doing some evil deeds he's all alone
He comes to the meeting
Guess what he sees
Turned into a girl this time
He yells at the Chosen
They already know
And they've all got
Bids to see how long he lasts
I tag along
Join the Black Tower
Look up at the woman that he's become
[2x]
He was a history boy
Rand said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough to face the Dragon
Now he's a pretty woman
Painting his nails pink
Does your pretty face see what they're worth?
Sorry boy but you missed out
Well tough luck you're a girl now
You lost more than just your friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see,
See the woman that you would be
There is more that meets the eye
They see the soul that is inside
He's just a girl
And I'm just a boy
Can I make it any more obvious
We are re-incarnated
Haven't you heard
How we rock the Randland world
[2x]
I'm with the history boy
Rand said see you later boy
You'll be back stage with the Aes Sedai
I'll be in the Black Tower
Channeling the Power you know
You can't do that anymore!
~~~
Thom: And now we have to take a short break so as to keep you in suspense about who's number 1!
[A man walks around a field where other men are sword fighting. The man turns to face the camera.]
Man: Hello. Are you like these idiots behind me who don't know how to use a sword? Well don't worry. We've got just the thing for you. From the people who brought you Tam's Unusual Sword Forms, comes Tam's Unusual Sword Forms 2. That's right! You can impress your friends with these unique and colorful moves. The name is better than the action!
- Evil Kitty Runs Away From Vacuum Cleaner
- Mr. Keebler Compulsively Hides Cookies in Tree
- Pretty Clouds Distract Idiot Opponent
- Fanatical Elf Eats Malevolent Bunnies
- Man Addicted to Pixie Sticks Flies Through Open Window
- Deranged Santa Claus Spontaneously Combusts
- Tree Falls in Woods
- Giant Chocolate Chip Cookies Explode
- Animals at Zoo Eat Crackers
- Innocent Children Ravage Household
- Man Throws Jelly Beans into Opponent's Face
Man: For only $44.95 (we raised the price), you can learn these useless and troublesome sword forms to astound and astonish your friends and defeat your enemies. The Dragon Reborn even trained with these techniques, so don't delay! Call 1-800-KICKBUTT now!
[Returns to Thom in the studio.]
Thom: And we're back! We're almost done with this show and I'm so excited because pretty soon I get to go out on date with that handsome Trolloc and- heh heh. Did I say that out loud? I mean, let's go right to the number 1. It's Rhuarc with "Hot in Herre".
~~~
Artist: Rhuarc
Album: Rhuarcville
Song: Hot in Herrrrrre
Hot in...
So hot in herre...
So hot in...
I was like, good gracious Maiden bodacious
Flirtatious, tryin to show patience
Lookin for the right time to shoot my steam (you know)
Lookin for the right time to flash them gai'shan
Then um I'm leavin, please believin
Me and the rest of my brothers
Check it, got it locked at the top of the Waste
Cold Rocks hold, roof top, birds I feedin
No deceivin, nothin up my sleeve, no teasin
I need you to get up up on the steam tent
Give that man what he askin for
Cuz I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin you
And cant nobody stop the flow so Maiden tell me whats the use
[Chorus 2x]
(I said)
It's gettin hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes
I am gettin so hot, I wanna take my clothes off
Why you in the Waste if you aint sellin like a peddlar
What good is all the fame if you aint gettin them women
I see you ridin, wagon, be carried by them horses
And I be down, and do a hundred, walkin with them hats
Get out of the Waste, exit 106 and land in Cairhein
Spear point, livestock, time to spark it
Water canteen for gold piece, got out and walked it
I spit game cuz baby I can't talk it
Warm, sweatin it's hot up in this joint
Cadin'sor clothes, all on at this point
You're with a clan chief so baby you cant loose
I got secrets cant leave this Waste
So take it off like you're with your spear sistas
You know dance with your friends while your drinking the oosqui
Checkin out the men and tellin your best friend,
like "girl I think my butt gettin big"
[Chorus 2x]
Mix a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
Give a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
And a sprinkle a that ah, ah
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah
Stop placin, time wastin
I gotta a friend with real nice sweat tent in his hold (What?)
I'm just kiddin like them wetlanders (Oh)
Unless you gon' do it
Extra, extra eh, spread the news
Rhuarc took a trip from the Waste to Cairhein
Hadn't come back with somethin thicker than the fifth
Say we like to think about in the sweat tents
[Chorus 4x]
Mix a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
Give a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
And a sprinkle of that ah, ah
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah
~~~
Thom: Ah and we're done for the day. Don't come back next time because Grandma's still crazy! May the Force be with you.
Random Masked Audience Member: And also with you.
Thom: Let us pray. Drive home safe everyone and don't eat too many bluebirds. Bye!
WOT TRL- Episode 2
Attack of the Phones
[A blue screen with red letters saying WOT TRL appears. It fades to screaming people lined up on the street. They are holding signs that say, "Rand is a QT!", "Mat I Luv U!", and, "Faile U Suck". The camera pulls back to the studio where an old gray haired man is standing with a microphone. The audience behind him is making everyone deaf with their ear-splitting screams.]
Old Gary Haired Man: Hello everyone. And welcome to the second torturous episode of WOT TRL. My name's Thom Merrilin and I've been forced...er...I mean asked to host the second episode. Yeah. That's it. Anyway, as I'm sure many of you have already figured out, this is a complete rip-off of MTV's TRL. So we're going to play the Westland's top 10 videos for today. Before we start, the customary Impressive Imposing Beginning must come on the screen.
[An Impressive Imposing Beginning appears on the screen.]
Impressive Imposing Beginning: The Wheel of Time endlessly turns to create the story that never ends. Impossibly long Ages come and pass, leaving recollections that become legend. Legend fades until everyone has forgotten what the stupid story was about in the first place. Even myth is long forgotten like it usually is. In one Age, called the Thousandth by all readers, an Age yet to come before the series is finished, an Age long past when we actually had lives, a wind rose in the cold Northeast. The wind was not a beginning. How could a wind ever be a beginning you idiot? There are neither beginnings nor endings to the writing of Robert Jordan's pen as we all know by now. But it was a beginning. Where does he come up with these ideas? Must be on crack or something...
[Impressive Imposing Beginning fades from the screen. Thom and the audience are mesmerized. Thom finally shakes himself awake.]
Thom: Those beginnings always seem to have that effect on people. I wonder if subliminal messages are possibly hidden in there...Anyways, let's start with our number 10 video. It's the Dark One with "Welcome to Shayol Ghul".
~~~
Album: Hand of the Dark
Artist: Dark Day
Song: Welcome to Shayol Ghul
Dear Dragon can you hear me calling
It's been three whole weeks since I have left you alone
Your fear has left you trembling
Cause now it seems that you're out there on your own
And you're feelin so alone
[Chorus]
Pay attention to fire pits and the pointy spikes
Some call it frightful Chosen call it nice
I wanna take you through a wasteland I like to call my home
Welcome to Shayol Ghul
A piercing scream rings out at the mountain
Another borderlander snaps and left dead on his own
It makes me wonder why they're still here
No pleasant dreams and it's now feelin like my home
And I'm never gonna go
[Chorus]
Dear Dragon can you hear me laughing
It's been six whole months since you have killed my Chosen
It makes me wonder why you're still there
No pleasant dreams and it's now feelin like my home
And I'm never gonna go
[Chorus]
Oh Shayol Ghul
~~~
Thom: Wow, great song. Though I do wonder who voted for that one...Well heck, everyone knows we fudge the numbers here, so let's go on to video number 9. It's the Seanchan with "The Middle".
[A/N: I imagined this would be the song that the Seanchan commander would sing to them when they've lost a battle. Yeah, I know it's kind of weird, but give me a break, I was running out of ideas.]
~~~
Artist: Seanchan Eat Westlands
Album: Bleed Randland
Song: The Middle
Hey
Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best
Try every war technique you can
And don't worry what those Westland idiots tell themselves when you're away
[Chorus]
It just takes some time
Vast army, you're in the middle of a riot
Everything everything will be just fine
Everything everything will be all right all right
Hey
You know they're all the same
You know we're doing better under the Empress (may she live forever) so don't buy in
Live right now
Just do your duty
It doesn't matter if that's good enough for them
[Chorus 2x]
Hey
Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best
Do everything you can
Don't you worry what the Dragon Reborn will say
[Chorus 2x]
~~~
Thom: And now let's take our first break. We'll be back in ten to twenty minutes depending on how much advertising money we need. Thank you.
[A screen with the words "Real World: Shayol Ghul" comes on and a cheesy voice talks.]
Cheesy Voice: Are you ready for a whole new season of the Real World? The crazy show where we put 7 Forsaken in a house and see what kind of violence they inflict upon each other. This season we're in the hoppin' mountain of Shayol Ghul of death, pain, and chaos. We've got seven new Forsaken to watch: Moridin, Aginor, Demandred, Graendal, Semirhage, Mesaana, and Moghedien. And see what kind of fights they get into!
[Moridin channeling a plate at Mesaana's head and Demandred and Graendal arguing.]
Cheesy Voice: Don't miss this fun this season! We're sure to have someone killed!
[Returns to Thom and the studio.]
Thom: Hi and welcome back to WOT TRL. I really don't have much to say, so let's go to our number 8 video, Good Andorans with "Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man.
[A/N: Not a well-known band, Good Charlotte, and I'm sorry if you haven't heard of them. But they're awesome, check them out!]
~~~
Artist: Good Andorans
Album: The Dirty and the Poor
Song: Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man
Always see it in the castles or hear about it through the grape vine
Aes Sedai who want sympathy
All they do is channel and moan
Inside the White Tower
Talking about how hard life can be
I'd like to see them spend a week
Livin' life out on the street
I don't think they would survive
If they could spend a day or two without their channeling tricks
I think they'd stumble and they'd fall
They would fall, fall
[Chorus]
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man
They're always complaining
Always complaining
If the end of the world is such a problem
Well they got the Dragon Reborn
Think we should rob them
Did you know when you were a channeler
You could kill anyone and there was no such thing as guards locking you up for life
As long as you got the power to blow them up
And did you know if you were caught and you were smoking tabac
Robert Jordan wouldn't even really care
You could always just run for major of Two Rivers
I'd like to see them spend a week
Livin' life out on the street
I don't think they would survive
If they could spend a day or two without their channeling tricks
I think they'd stumble and they'd fall
They would fall, fall
[Chorus]
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man
They're always complaining
Always complaining
If the end of the world is such a problem
You got so many problems
Think I can solve them
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man
We'll take clothes, food, coins, and homes just stop complaining
Lifestyles of the Aes Sedai and Asha'man [3x]
~~~
Thom: Lovely. Now let's go to Bran Al'Vere, the major of Two Rivers for some news in the world of music and...other stuff. Bran?
Bran: Well, it seems as if another band as broken up. Sevanna of "The Aiel Sisters" has left the band to pursue other plans. When asked what these plans were, she refused to comment. The other sisters of the band declined the chance to comment as well. It looks as though we won't be seeing the famed band anytime soon, or at least until they get a replacement member.
Thom: Thank you. Hey, did you ever notice that the Wheel of Time symbol looks like Mickey Mouse ears? Yet another subliminal message folks! Let's go to the number 7 video, Rand with "My Anthem Part 2"
~~~
Album: Take Off Your Breeches and Coat
Artist: Rand 182
Song: My Anthem Part 2
Everything has fallen to pieces
Randland's dyin help me Creator
I need guidance I've been mislead
Young and hostile but not stupid
Corrupt nobles kings and queens
Turn my back they're plottin against me
Laws that rule the cities and countries
Prophecies that caution the Dragon's unsafe
[Chorus]
We really need to see this through
We never wanted to have Tarmon Gaid'an
I'll never give up its no use
If I'm insane up he's to blame (points to Lews Therin)
Let this palace smolder slowly
Innocents are victim in this story
Drown the public will useless warnings
Prophecies of the Dragon they're messed up and boring
[Chorus]
Everything has fallen to pieces
Everything has fallen to pieces
Everything has fallen to pieces
Everything has fallen to pieces
[Chorus]
~~~
Thom: So, to find out what happens when Grandmas go spelunking, let's take a commercial break.
[Woman sitting at a desk appears.]
Woman: Are you an aspiring inventor? But do your friends laugh and mock you? Well, come to The Dragon Reborn's School for Future Inventors. We here at DRSFI encourage you to experiment and research new ideas for the upcoming Age. We offer tuition programs as well as financial aids funds for you to get your idea off the ground. If you're interested in this exciting new prospect, call 1-800-INVENT and we'll get you started on your way to discovering new innovations.
[Returns to Thom in the studio.]
Thom: And welcome back everyone. We're not even halfway through the countdown and it's torture for me, but let's jump right back in with number 6, Egwene with "The End With You".
[A/N: Another not well-known band, Box Car Racer, a branch off of Blink-182. Sorry, if you haven't heard of them. This song is Track 11 off their CD, I didn't really have to change the lyrics too much, and I thought it fit with Egwene so well.]
~~~
Album: The Amyrlin Seat
Artist: The Amyrlin Seat
Song: The End With You
Blood and bloody ashes!
Our days are runnin thin
Our hopes will start to fall
I can feel the world collapse around me from within
The prophecies keep comin by
To let us know when Rand will die
And please Creator will you forgive us and give us one more try
If you will then we'll go
As fast as we go far
Maybe we'll be forgotten when the world is torn apart
I've been up all night long
Counting days that all went wrong
I walked out into the snow
I wish this pain was gone
There are no useful herbs to escape from feeling numb
I remember the Two Rivers I remember when I was young
[2x]
If you will then we'll go
As fast as we go far
Maybe we'll be forgotten when the world is torn apart
Cause the sun won't be so blinding
And the rains will finally come
The ashes will slowly pile up
Just to prove we're finally done
Blood and bloody ashes!
~~~
Thom: And guess what? We're very privileged to have the Amyrlin Seat herself come visit us today! That's right, Egwene Al'Vere is here!
[Scattering claps from the audience as Egwene enters the studio. People back away from her and mutter behind their backs.]
Thom: Wow, Egwene, that's amazing. You got even less of a welcome than Rand did! And he's the Dragon Reborn, people are supposed to be afraid of him!
Egwene: Shut-up! And I'll thank you to call me Mother!
Thom: Hey! I knew you back before you got all high and mighty. I remember when we went to the Eye of the World and-
Egwene: Shut-up.
Thom: Ummm...okay. Well, tell us how you've been in the last few months.
Egwene: Busy! I've got a war to plan you know! They need my leadership! I've got so many things to do and I'm starting to wonder about-
Thom: That's nice. Let's discuss your new album. The last song on the countdown was off it right? Tell us about it.
Egwene: *sniff* My album is a collection of songs that I sing all about the struggles of being an Aes Sedai and Amyrlin Seat.
Thom: Yeah right...
Egwene: *sniff* Well, if you're going to be that way, I'm going to have to leave! I have important things to do as leader of the Broken Tower.
Thom: Okay, okay. What kinds of songs are on your album exactly?
Egwene: All different types really. There's even some rap on it.
[Snickers from the audience. Egwene turns to give them her best Aes Sedai stare. They shut up quickly.]
Thom: (obviously trying not to laugh as well) So what are your upcoming plans for the future?
Elayne: Well, I mean to storm the White Tower and kill Elaida as violently as possible.
Thom: (seems a little disturbed) Well, I'm sure you have dozens of things to do as head of the Aes Sedai...yes, you really must be going now.
Egwene: Oh but I can stay a little while longer. I've got-
Thom: Darn, it's such a shame you have to leave. So sorry.
Egwene: But I-
[Thom pushes her out of the studio.]
Thom: Come back not so soon! See you later! And now let's take a break.
[A man in a black cloak appears. He is standing next to a mountain and he has a mask on.]
Man in black cloak: We need your help. Join the Army of the Dark One now. Be part of the legendary battle that will crush and destroy Rand Al'Thor. As an onion of the Dark, you will even receive free benefits courtesy of the Dark One himself. We offer free dental care as well as health settlements so after you get injured in battle, you can recover fully. As well as these generous benefits, you will also receive 15 days of paid vacation to use whenever you like. Provided that you don't use them when we are in battle. As a consort of the Army of the Dark, you will also get your share of the riches we steal from Rand Al'Thor and his stupid military. Just think about this magnificent opportunity. A chance to serve in the greatest army of the world, as well as have clean and pretty teeth. Don't delay! Call now at 1-800-DARKONE.
Thom: And welcome back to WOT TRL, the show that helps you waste your time efficiently. Number 5 on the countdown is Lews Therin with "In The End".
~~~
Artist: Lews Therin
Album: The Dragon Theory
Song: In The End
(It starts with)
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the war goes by
Watch it count down to the end of my life
The Dark One touches us
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch my life go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch her go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried
The world fell apart and it all fell on me
I'll eventually be a memory of a time when I tried
So hard
[Chorus]
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way the Forsaken were mocking me
Acting like I was the Dragon to save the world
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
No one would even recognize me anymore
Not that they knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
I kept everything inside and even though I tried
The world fell apart and it all fell on me
I'll eventually be a memory of a time when I
I tried so hard
[Chorus]
I've put my trust in Rand
Pushed as far as he can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in Rand
Pushed as far as he can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
~~~
Thom: Lovely. A little disturbing nonetheless, but...interesting. You know, I hate it when a beloved character dies, but losing Lews Therin, would be great! And next on the countdown is a song by the Robert Jordan fans, "iF yoU C Jordan".
[A/N: Another unknown band, Something Corporate. But the song title fit so well.]
~~~
Artist: Something Corrupt
Album: Leaving WoT Behind
Song: iF yoU C Jordan
I have a story
A bitter anthem
For all fantasy readers to hear
About this author who just don't like us
And that's a solid fact
They say he's stalling us
And as you see we're all swelled up with anxiety
'Cuz he won't publish CoT
[Chorus]
If you see Jordan
He makes me sad
WoT's not over
And he still won't quit
We tried to steal Glimmers over the Internet
And man he didn't like that
We nearly cried and said to yell at Harriet
Like we do at wotmania
Then you drove home real quick
Did you make it in time to tug your braid?
There's one too many epic story writer in this world
[Chorus]
You say it's chivalry
But it's jealously that lead us to this song
Will play it often
Just least until he writes another book
We'll stop at nothing but the whole thing
He tried to brainwash us with the prologue
[Chorus]
Bloody Jordan
You make us sad
WoT's not over
I don't care if you say you need more time
You'll always leave us hanging!
~~~
Thom: My memory's like an elephant that's lost it's memory, and therefore we must go to yet another break.
[A man with a mask on and a deep voice sits at a desk menacingly.]
Man: Have you seen this man?
[Holds up a picture of one known as Rand Al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn.]
Man: We here at...er...Forsaken Enterprises are in search of this man. If you have any information as to his whereabouts and those traveling with him, we would like you to call this number.
[Number flashes on screen. 1-800-DIERAND.]
Man: Be rest assured that when you help us track down this menace of a man; you will be...er...helping the good of the Dark One. Thank you.
[Returns to Thom in the studio.]
Thom: Welcome back to WOT TRL. I'm Thom Merrilin and we're in the middle of WOT TRL countdown. Let's go over to Faile at the news desk for some info on upcoming shows here at MTV. Faile?
Faile: *sniff* Thank you Thom. Well, we have a busy week coming up here. After TRL, the popular show, "Cooking and Decorating Tips from Narg" will be coming on, and you don't want to miss that. Narg will be showing up how to make butter cookies for Winternight and how we can decorate our pumpkins in the shape of gruesome figures for Halloween. He will also be showing us how to make attractive fall napkin holders and be explaining the origin of mayonnaise. After that, we have the premiere of The Real World: Shayol Ghul. Later this week, we'll have "Decorating Sense" with Legolas and Gimli from Lord of the Rings and "Creating the Happy Home" with Cersi Lannister from A Song of Fire and Ice. We'll also have Dr. Cauthon's new show about analyzing your dreams and feelings. Don't miss all the fun this week here at MTV! Or did we turn into HGTV? Oh well...
Thom: Thank you Faile. Our next guest is one of high prestige and honor, loved by all fans. That's right goldfish and monkeys; I'm talking about Narg, the Intelligent Trolloc!! Well, really Narg Reborn since Rand killed him, but let's welcome him anyway. He's here to talk to us about his wildly popular show Faile just mentioned!
[Narg enters the studio to wild applause and screams. He seems bewildered and walks over to Thom.]
Thom: Heh heh, you have more fans than Egwene does! (snickers)
Narg: Narg smart. Narg like TV.
Thom: Ah good, well why don't you tell us a little about this show of yours. It's had massive success and is gaining quite a strong following.
Narg: Narg like to decorate. And cook wild animals. Narg tie pretty bows around napkins and make home-scented candles. Narg enjoy TV show. Narg will crush Martha Stewart.
Thom: Heh heh, wouldn't we all like to! And now it's time to play everyone's favorite game...the Wringer!
[A/N: This is a stupid game they play on TRL if you've never seen it.]
Narg: Wring! Narg like to wring arms off of bodies!
Thom: Err...yes well. Are you ready to play the game Narg?
Narg: Narg ready.
Thom: Good. First question: Whom would you rather sit next to on an airplane? Moiraine or Nynaeve?
Narg: Narg no like sniffy women. Narg rip their heads off.
Thom: Okay...not a bad answer either...So, next question. Is it true you had an affair with a Myrddraal?
Narg: Uhhh...Narg...Narg like...uhhh...
Thom: I'll take that as a yes. What color socks do you wear?
Narg: Narg like pink.
Thom: Wonderful, that's my favorite color too! It's said stupid minds think alike! If you were stranded on a desert island and could only take one thing, what would it be?
Narg: Narg like coconuts. Lots of coconuts.
Thom: And the last question: What qualities do you think are the most important in a person? Or Trolloc rather.
Narg: You. Narg like you.
Thom: Umm...
[Narg rushes forward and tries to hug Thom.]
Thom: Security! Let's get this Trolloc out of here! And let's take a commercial break please!!!
[A man sitting a table appears and he is dressed in all yellow.]
Man: Good evening. Are you tired of your current religion? Are you fed up with the Creator and his non-existent help? Then you need a change in philosophy, and we can help you! Join the Way of the Banana. We worship fruits of all shapes and sizes and offer sacrifices of Cheese-Nips to them. Ah, the power of Cheese! Live your life in peace and guidance through the way of fruits and other assorted vegetables/plants. Call 1-800-FRUITCAKE for your free booklet on the Way of the Banana. And if you call now, we'll throw in a free Vege-tales video so you can learn about the traditions of friendship and love with brainless vegetables. Thank you. And walk in the celery.
[Thom comes back on the screen with disheveled clothes and hair.]
Thom: Ah yes, that Narg...very interesting Trolloc. Such a pity I didn't have time to get his phone number. Oh! Where were we? Oh yeah, number 3 on the countdown. This is Rand and Elayne with "Dilemma".
~~~
Artist: Rand w/ Elayne
Album: Dragonville
Song: Dilemma
Elayne:
I love and I need you
Rand, I love you, I do
Need you
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm playing at the queen
Boy, I know you're crazy over me
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm at my council meetings
You know I'm crazy over you
Rand:
Uh-uh-uh-uh
I met this girl when I fell over the wall and hit my head
And she got the hots for me, the finest thing I need to see
But oh, no, no, she got a mean brother and mother, oh-oh, but that's okay
'Cause I wait for my cue and just listen, play my position
Like the channeler that I am, blow up everything
And in no time I better this girl to me and that's for sure
'Cause I-I never been the type to steal the queen from country
But there's something 'bout this nasty girl, I just can't leave her 'lone
So tell me, Lews, what should I do?
She said, "You don't know what you mean to me," come on
Elayne:
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm playing at the queen
Boy, I know you're crazy over me
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm at my council meetings
You know I'm crazy over you
Rand:
Uh-uh-uh-uh
Min saw a lot in your aura and she never say a word
I know how Aes Sedai start actin' all high, and hate up all the men
And there's no way you can resist me
Ain't playin with no damane, as you could see
But I-I like your tease, your style, your whole demeanor
The way you come through and sniff at me, and give me that icy cold look of yours
Now that's special and I got special ways to thank ya, don't you forget it
But it ain't that easy for you to back up and leave your brother behind
But you and me we got ties for different reasons
I respect that and right before I turned to leave
She said, "You don't know what you mean to me," come on
Elayne:
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
You know I'm crazy over you
Sing it for me, K
I love and I need you
Rand, I love you, I do
And it's more than you'll ever know
Dragon, it's for sure
You can always count on my love
Forever more, yeah, yeah
Rand:
Cairhien, I know you're shakin' right
Illian, I know you're bouncin' right
Tarabon, I know you're walkin' right
('Cause you don't know what you mean to me)
Andor, I see you swingin' right
Elayne:
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
You know I'm crazy over you
Rand:
Cairhien, I know you're shakin' right
Illian, I know you're bouncin' right
Tarabon, I know you're walkin' right
('Cause you don't know what you mean to me)
Andor, I see you swingin' right
(Repeat 2x)
Elayne:
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you
No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
You know I'm crazy over you
Yeah, yeah
Rand:
Cairhien, I know you're shakin' right
Illian, I know you're bouncin' right
Tarabon, I know you're walkin' right
('Cause you don't know what you mean to me)
Andor, I see you swingin' right
(Repeat 2x)
~~~
Thom: *gasp* I know you're all wondering who's number 1 today...but too bad because we're only on video 2.
[A green penguin named Drake waddles onto the stage holding a jar of poppy seeds.]
Drake: Poppy seeds!
[The green penguin waddles off again and no one notices.]
Thom: This is Aginor with "Forsaken Boy".
~~~
Artist: Aginor
Album: Let Go
Song: Forsaken Boy
He was a boy
I was a man too
Can I make it any more obvious
He was a historian
I did biological experiments
What more can I say
He wanted women
I'd never tell secretly I wanted them as well
But the Great Lord
Stuck up his nose
He had a problem with his womanizing ways
He was a history boy
Rand said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough to face the Dragon
He had a pretty face
But his head was up in space
He needed to come back down to earth
3 months from then
He's re-incarnated
Doing some evil deeds he's all alone
He comes to the meeting
Guess what he sees
Turned into a girl this time
He yells at the Chosen
They already know
And they've all got
Bids to see how long he lasts
I tag along
Join the Black Tower
Look up at the woman that he's become
[2x]
He was a history boy
Rand said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough to face the Dragon
Now he's a pretty woman
Painting his nails pink
Does your pretty face see what they're worth?
Sorry boy but you missed out
Well tough luck you're a girl now
You lost more than just your friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see,
See the woman that you would be
There is more that meets the eye
They see the soul that is inside
He's just a girl
And I'm just a boy
Can I make it any more obvious
We are re-incarnated
Haven't you heard
How we rock the Randland world
[2x]
I'm with the history boy
Rand said see you later boy
You'll be back stage with the Aes Sedai
I'll be in the Black Tower
Channeling the Power you know
You can't do that anymore!
~~~
Thom: And now we have to take a short break so as to keep you in suspense about who's number 1!
[A man walks around a field where other men are sword fighting. The man turns to face the camera.]
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- Man Addicted to Pixie Sticks Flies Through Open Window
- Deranged Santa Claus Spontaneously Combusts
- Tree Falls in Woods
- Giant Chocolate Chip Cookies Explode
- Animals at Zoo Eat Crackers
- Innocent Children Ravage Household
- Man Throws Jelly Beans into Opponent's Face
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[Returns to Thom in the studio.]
Thom: And we're back! We're almost done with this show and I'm so excited because pretty soon I get to go out on date with that handsome Trolloc and- heh heh. Did I say that out loud? I mean, let's go right to the number 1. It's Rhuarc with "Hot in Herre".
~~~
Artist: Rhuarc
Album: Rhuarcville
Song: Hot in Herrrrrre
Hot in...
So hot in herre...
So hot in...
I was like, good gracious Maiden bodacious
Flirtatious, tryin to show patience
Lookin for the right time to shoot my steam (you know)
Lookin for the right time to flash them gai'shan
Then um I'm leavin, please believin
Me and the rest of my brothers
Check it, got it locked at the top of the Waste
Cold Rocks hold, roof top, birds I feedin
No deceivin, nothin up my sleeve, no teasin
I need you to get up up on the steam tent
Give that man what he askin for
Cuz I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin you
And cant nobody stop the flow so Maiden tell me whats the use
[Chorus 2x]
(I said)
It's gettin hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes
I am gettin so hot, I wanna take my clothes off
Why you in the Waste if you aint sellin like a peddlar
What good is all the fame if you aint gettin them women
I see you ridin, wagon, be carried by them horses
And I be down, and do a hundred, walkin with them hats
Get out of the Waste, exit 106 and land in Cairhein
Spear point, livestock, time to spark it
Water canteen for gold piece, got out and walked it
I spit game cuz baby I can't talk it
Warm, sweatin it's hot up in this joint
Cadin'sor clothes, all on at this point
You're with a clan chief so baby you cant loose
I got secrets cant leave this Waste
So take it off like you're with your spear sistas
You know dance with your friends while your drinking the oosqui
Checkin out the men and tellin your best friend,
like "girl I think my butt gettin big"
[Chorus 2x]
Mix a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
Give a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
And a sprinkle a that ah, ah
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah
Stop placin, time wastin
I gotta a friend with real nice sweat tent in his hold (What?)
I'm just kiddin like them wetlanders (Oh)
Unless you gon' do it
Extra, extra eh, spread the news
Rhuarc took a trip from the Waste to Cairhein
Hadn't come back with somethin thicker than the fifth
Say we like to think about in the sweat tents
[Chorus 4x]
Mix a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
Give a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
And a sprinkle of that ah, ah
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah
~~~
Thom: Ah and we're done for the day. Don't come back next time because Grandma's still crazy! May the Force be with you.
Random Masked Audience Member: And also with you.
Thom: Let us pray. Drive home safe everyone and don't eat too many bluebirds. Bye!