Notes: THIS CHAPTER WAS DIFFICULT!! I had many problems writing this one...I mean, honestly, Grin is a hard job to write. He's so cool and calm and..ack, I don't know what else!! It took me an eternity to find an idea, and I am still not satisfied with the whole thing. So if this chapter sucks, I am truly sorry, but I really can't portrait Grin - I am not good enough for that!!!*sobs*
Anyway, I would like to thank you all for your reviews^^ You don't know how happy you make me humble small writer with them*snickers* THANK YOU,THANK YOU,THANK YOU!!!!*hugs everyone* Oh, and by the way, there were many questions when I will write Nosedive...I think he will come as last. Don't understand me wrong, I don't want to torture you...It's just that I want to handle every duck equally. And if I wrote about Nosedive now, I would n´be totally involved in his story and loose the 'spirit' for the other ducks. So sorry for that!
Disclaimer: Nothing new here. They still don't belong to me, yadda yadda! ~Kaeera


I was strong

Always

But some powers have to be controlled

And I couldn't

I was too strong

I couldn't control my feelings

I was dangerous

I am still dangerous

But now I know

how I can keep control

Just sometimes

There are moments in which I fear

I fear that I loose the control

And loose everything

I've gained so far

Everything


To Face the Fears

by Kaeera


Chapter Three: Wild Outburst

People were walking down the streets. No humans, but ducks. Many of them. Hundreds. Maybe thousands. They all walked there on the small pavement, a stern expression on their faces. No smile, no laughter lightened their faces. They stayed grey, and made the mood very gloomily.
Grin had spent the last five minutes in watching the people around him, and he was still confused, for he hadn't solved his problem yet: Where was he???
The huge duck remembered the fight, and the gas. He had assumed that he and his team-mates were caught by the saurians - but obviously this assumption was wrong...here were definitely no saurians. Just the creepy silent crowd - he still hadn't figured out if this was an improvement or not. However, Grin didn't feel well under the eyes of all these people. He preferred to be alone...always avoiding big crowds for reasons only he knew.
"Excuse me...", he said to one of the passengers, but the silent duck ignored him and passed by.
"Pardon...", he tried again, but he got no response. He didn't like this at all. Maybe this was a dream?

A nightmare?

Slowly he made his way through the crowd, trying to find some of his friends - or something familiar. The houses looked all the same; typical houses, grey, boring, lifeless. There was no nature in sight, no green leaf, only concrete and cars...and the people. The ducks.

You should be happy
Grin froze. This voice...where had it come from? He watched the ducks around him, but nobody looked as if he'd said that.

After all, you are with creatures of your kind

The giant duck closed his eyes and tried to focus on the noise. Where did it come from? Who had said it? He concentrated on his one sense - hearing - shutting all the others out; something he had learned in hard years of training. A very useful ability, but unfortunately it failed this time. It seemed as if the words would come from every direction. Maybe some loud-speakers?

Trying to find me?, the voice asked amused.
Grin gave no response. It wasn't worth to waste energy.

You can't find me it continued Because I am in your mind

He opened his eyes. "Why?", was the simple question.
Because I am...your greatest fear the voice hissed.
I can destroy you. I know what weakens you, because I can see your heart
Grins' face stayed expressionless. He kept control, no matter what. And he didn't trust this...thing.

Don't believe me? someone laughed Want to have a proof?"

A sudden pain behind his eyes! Immediately he tried to cover them, but then he realized that the pain was in his eyes. The world started spinning, and his vision got blurry. Grin tried desperately to fight, to stay upright, but he found it difficult. There was something...a power, which seemed to invade his brain and his body with all the functions.

And then...then it was over.

Was it? He looked at his hands, still stunned by his experience and tried to analyse what had happened. He didn't have a clue, and that was really annoying him.

"Hey man!", a familiar voice shouted and Grin turned around. His eyes grew huge when he recognized the figure of his dear friend.

"Nosedive!", he gasped, forgetting for once to suppress his emotions. The teen smiled and stepped nearer. "Creepy area, huh? Would be perfect for a horror movie!", he chuckled. "Hey, and Trash could be the main actor, he surely looks angsty enough."
He laughed even louder. Grin wanted to join, but to his horror he had to notice that he couldn't laugh. His body wasn't responding. What the...
His hand moved and seized Dive by the collar.
What am I doing? I don't want this! It's just happening! My hand...what's with my hand? His mind was whirling, and for the first time he felt panic rise. Why couldn't he control his body?
Again his hand moved, he balled his fists....and could see the sudden fear and confusion in his friends' eyes, could feel the emotions, could just watch...his fists hit Nosedive straight into the face, making him fall on the ground.

Everything froze. Blood dripped down, making splashing noises on the cold street. But the look into the eyes of the young teen was worse than everything. He looked hurt. Confused. And...scared.
Scared of him! He had...he had beat his friend! He had hurt him on purpose!

Something broke. Deep inside his heart something broke into thousand little pieces, and he knew that he would never be able to repair it.
Why? was the only question he could think of. Why am I doing that?

I have lost my control! I have lost my control!

And when I've lost it...then I have lost everything...

He turned around and walked away. No. That was wrong.
His body turned around and walked away, while Grin himself would have liked to apologize, to explain. But he couldn't. He could just feel the piercing glance of Nosedive in his back.
No way to turn his head and look back. No way to cry. No way to...fight...defend...

Lost...control....And Grin remembered....

Back on Puckworld, years ago:
"I've caught you! It's your turn!", the little duck shouted and cheered. Three other kids applauded and Grin groaned. It was always him, always when they played hide-and-go-seek. He was just too big to find a good hiding place, unlike the other kids. But nevertheless he did like playing this game, and the wailing and grumbling was only fake. Nearly every afternoon he met with his friends in the street. They lived in a big city, and there was no park in which they could play peacefully, but somehow they had arranged themselves. In the streets, you could play as well...there were many interesting places, and the five kids who all lived in the same neighbourhood could play for an eternity - often forgetting to come home for dinner. And they could never understand why all the adults walked by without noticing the many interesting things - sometimes even treasures! - on the street. Every paper was examined, every stone turned around, looking for bugs or maybe...something magical. They did never found something magical, but they didn't care. They were all of the opinion that the hunt was far more interesting than the goal!
Grin was the oldest with his 8-years, but he certainly didn't act like that. He pulled the most pranks and did never take responsibility. He had a carefree attitude, loud and self-conscious. The other kids admired his ideas and his 'courage', but the actual leader was the 7-year-old Lea. Even Grin did listen when she order things in her high voice.
However, it was this day something happened, something which caused Grin to loose control. He had never been aware of the fact that there was a kind of control....in fact, Grin was a really strong kid. He did make sports regularly, and he wanted to make sports to his profession later. A boxer - that would be great! But the writer is trailing off, isn't she? (Sorry! Tend to get carried away!)
On this particular day, new kids entered the scene. They had never seen them before; they were about two or three years older and looked rather mean. Grin and the others assumed that they came from the slums which weren't far away, probably some streetkids, and they thought it would be the best to avoid them. But unfortunately the other kids didn't want to avoid them...

Grin wanted to close his eyes, but the icy voice, who had also the command of his body, didn't let him.
No, no, my dear it whispered You shall enjoy this. It's special, just for you. Live through the same memories....it doubles your pain
And the only thing the giant duck could do was to wait and to watch the mental images his brain was producing, images he didn't want to see, at least not in this way! The memories of the previous event were to fresh. He had learned to deal with his pain over the years, had even accepted it - had assumed that it was over, history, closed! But now, when he found himself weakened, vulnerable, he discovered that old wounds _do_ break up easily...and he didn't want that to happen...For he knew that meditating alone wouldn't help to recover!

Grin stared at the other kids in shock. Never in his life the boy had seen so much violence in the eyes of a child! It hurt to watch them. But even more hurt the fact that the leader of the other kids had his friend. There was no reason, nothing! Neither had they insulted the other kids, nor had they done anything provoking. But this...jerk had just grabbed his friend Michael, who was just six-years-old, and shaken him like mad. He felt anger rise.
"Why are you doings this?", he shouted.
"Because it's fun.", was the lame reply, and his temper started boiling. He was frightened of these kids, but they were hurting Michael! And they were so much stronger....Grin wasn't stupid, and he knew that he had no chance against these kids. 'Rats tend to fight in groups' he thought and clenched his teeth.
"My, are we weak. It's time for some doll-beating!", the older boy grinned - and slapped the young duck over the face. Grin balled his fists. Now he was boiling....and his fear was melting away like ice in the sun. These...they hadn't done anything, it was UNFAIR...why was there no adult to help them? Why didn't they run for help? Furious he stared at the duck. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that Michael was crying...and that blood was dripping down his lower lip.
And that did it. He screamed and seethed with rage. He had never felt such an immense hatred in his whole life, and the feelings were too much for an 8-year-old. Blindly he stormed on his enemy.

From this point on, everything was blurry. He remembered screams and blood, images of crying faces, voices pleading him to stop...and in the end strong arms grabbing him.
He just felt the rush of the feelings, the fury which was overtaking his body. His mind. Full of hatred and a violence which made him shudder.
The next thing he remembered clearly was his bed at home. And his father looking at him. Sadly. Disappointed.
Frightened.
He blinked, because he hadn't believed the last impression, but when he looked again, he had to accept that it was true. And then he asked what had happened. His father told him. And he didn't believe it.
He had fought. Like in war. And four of the other kids were in hospital - broken bones, bruises, everything. The kid had beaten them together like nothing. And he didn't even remember it!!!
That was the point he started to be scared of himself. The point he realized that he needed control, because he didn't want to have anything like this happen again. He didn't want people to be frightened of him.
Even his friends didn't want to have contact with him anymore - they had seen him in action, and that had been enough to scare every kid. The idea that his friends avoided him hurt greatly, but he had to accept their will. And it strengthened his decision to gain - and to keep - control. It was hard, and it took many years, many failures and mistakes until he reached his current state.
A state of absolute control!

The control you've lost the voice added, again invading his thoughts.

You failed - again. And this time it wasn't an enemy you hurt - it was a friend. A dear friend, I might say. Aren't you ashamed? Now they will point at you. Point at you and say 'Look what he did! He's a monster!' it chuckled.

They will fear you

Grin wanted to shake his head, wanted to cry NO, but he still didn't have the control back. He was a marionette, the marionette of an unknown player. It was even worse than when he was young, because there it had been his fault...HE had been the monster! Now he knew that the cause was a different one, he was the victim this time. But this didn't change the fact, that his body had beaten Nosedive, that the teen had seen HIM approaching, grabbing him by the collar and doing this. He would believe that it had been Grin.
If he just could tell him what really had happened...

"Grin, what are you doing here?", another familiar voice asked, a voice Grin recognized immediately. No! He groaned.

"Grin?", Wildwing asked cautiously and stepped nearer. "I-I met Nosedive and he told me that you had hit him...but that's not true, is it? You would never hurt anyone on purpose, I know that...", he looked at the huge duck and Grin flinched as he realized what this look was meaning.
Wing was trusting him.

Although he had seen his brother, although he trusted Nosedive as well, he couldn't bring himself to believe that it had been actually Grin who had done this. He knew the duck for so long time, had watched him in many battles. He would lay his life in the hands of Grin.
Grin recognized this look and couldn't help but feel happy about it. But the happiness vanished fast, for he realized that he still wasn't the Grin he used to be - and that most likely Wildwing would lose his trust the moment his body would decide to hit him, like he did last time. Again the memories of the faces of his friends flashed into his mind, and he flinched. He didn't want to experience this a second time. He...had felt so alone back there. But nobody had understood him - everybody had assumed that he, as big and strong as he had been - had no problems, no worries. No emotions.
So he had learned to suppress them.

"Grin?", carefully the leader stepped nearer, "Can you tell me what happened? It's certainly just a mistake...", pleading eyes bored into his, begging him to say yes, to confirm that it hadn't been him, that he earned his trust...'It was a mistake!', Grin wanted to yell, 'There's some power controlling my body', but sadly, the power was still there and he could already feel how it lifted his arm....He fought against it, with his will, with his power, with everything he had, but it was still stronger. Too strong.
His fist balled, and Grin watched in horror how his left fist hit Wildwing right into the face, causing the other duck to turn around and to gasp in shock.

I don't want to let this happen, I don't want to...

"Grin!", Wildwing yelled, half-angry, half-surprised. "Why...", he stared at the other duck and noticed a strange luck in his eyes. Narrowing his eyes, he stepped away.

Have to get back control, must get control, suppress your feelings, control them

"We are friends, Grin.", Wildwing stated shocked, still not being able to believe what had happened, "I didn't do anything! I thought that maybe Nosedive had been mistaken, but....why?", he asked finally, and Grin could sense the confusion - and the sadness - in his voice. He had always liked, accepted and even admired Wildwing. He had never been trained, but he was a very good leader. He was a courageous fighter, and unlike Grin, he never became too angry. He had never an...outburst. Like him. Like now.

"Grin....", Wing said one last time, his voice trailing off. "What is wrong with you?"

The huge duck wanted to look away, but there was something which kept his stare. When he read the feelings appearing on Wing's face, he could recognize anger, surprise, fear and....trust? No. Nobody had ever trusted him after he had done something like this. They had left him - always. They had been frightened, and they had been right to be so. In his presence they could be hurt - hurt by him!
So why this trust? Hadn't he lost it with this action???

Sometimes there is no other chance

You have to choose the way

The way of your deepest fear

And you have to walk down the path

Although you are frightened

Because it depends on you

May the fear overcome you

May the pain cross your brain

But do what you have to do


Why couldn't he fight? Why couldn't he regain control? His will had always been strong. Stronger than others. Stronger than the most. So why?
Then an idea struck him, and he grabbed for it. His whole life he had tried to bury his emotions and his anger in fear off having an outburst, off revealing the destroying powers he beared. Now, in his current situation, he still had his feelings under control, but had lost another control. So why not...why not trying to stop the suppressing? Maybe his anger would be big enough to destroy his invisible shackles! But maybe it would also overtake control, leaving him helpless again and maybe hurting his friends even more...he had to admit that he was frightened.
But...he couldn't continue like that. He couldn't let this voice win! And suddenly, something started boiling.
Furious.


Sometimes there is no other way

To face your fear

To fight your fear

Than welcoming it

And embracing it with your arms


The eerie silence was disturbed by a heart-breaking scream. Suddenly all the grey ducks in the streets stopped and looked around. Wind howled over the place, giving the whole scenery a creepy impression. It was getting cold, cold and dark. The huge houses seemed to vanish in the grey mist. The scream trailed off, and it went silent again. There was nothing which moved, not even a single leaf. As if the scream had shocked even nature.
And it screamed again. Nobody knew the cause of this; nobody who couldn't see the huge duck in a small side street. He had grabbed his head and was screaming louder than every possible.
It was Grin.
There was something burning in him, something which had been there over all the years, and now it could finally break free. Buried feelings came to daylight with an immense power.
Grin himself did just feel the anger. He felt more angry than every, and he fought. Fought to regain his will, his CONTROL. It was the first time in many, many years he didn't suppress his feelings.
He had lost control in order to gain it.
And it seemed that the fight was a hard one. But one thing surprised Grin: There was no hatred. None at all. He felt greatly disturbed by the fact that somebody had invaded his thoughts, but he didn't HATE the voice.
While fighting against his darkest emotions, Grin realized that he couldn't hate this voice. Because you can't hate yourself.
In fact, this was a fight inside of him. Years after years there had been a strong power in his body, and he had always believed that it was all the anger. And he had always feared the outburst.

But what if all these anger had been there because he HAD never shown his feelings? Because he did bury them?

Then it was his own fault.

Then he had chosen the wrong way.

Had he?

Show your feelings? Live your fears? Being vulnerable?

Really?

He wasn't sure.

But maybe....maybe it could be right. It was a small glint of hope.

But Grin took it.

One last terrifying scream echoed over the city, then there was silence. If the other ducks had seen their team-mate, they wouldn't have believed that it was Grin.
For them, their strong friend had always been the calm point in all this chaos. He had always been the one of whom you knew what to expect. He would always help you, and he would never, ever, loose patience.
This duck was different. Kneeling on the dirty side-street, he held his head and clenched his teeth. There was a look of absolute horror in his eyes. But there was also something else. Something mighty!

It was like fire. Hot and destructive.
Burning. Flaming.

Angry.

* * *

And again the screen went black. This time Dragaunus was definitely angry. He growled, and smoke came out of his nose. These ducks....they were annoying, even if they couldn't move! How was that possible? he had have many enemies in his long life, but to be honest, none of them had been so resistant and annoying like these six creatures!

"Chameleon!", he barked and searched for the small lizard.
Carefully he came nearer, already sensing that it wouldn't be good. "Yes, my lord?"

"Put this thing on....NOW!", his master yelled and glared at him. Chameleon shrunk back and tried to make as small as possible. "But I don' know what happened...", he admitted, avoiding to look into the eyes of his lord.

"What was that?", Dragaunus' voice was a dangerous whisper.

"But I can ask Wraith!", Chameleon added hastily and already ran backwards, eager to find someone else on which Dragaunus could led on his anger. He ran through the corridors of the raptor until he reached the dormitory of the wizard.

"Wraith!", he yelled and opened the door. "There's a problem with your machine!"

"What?", the bigger lizard asked and stared down on Chameleon. "Not again!", he groaned and stepped out of the door.
"Dragaunus won't be too happy.", he murmured while walking slowly towards the great hall.
"Nope, he isn't!", Chameleon grinned. "That's why I searched for you.", and he vanished in another corridor, well knowing that it was never good to anger the wizard and to stay near.

"My lord, you called?", Wraith bowed as he entered and faced the huge saurian.

"The screen is black again!", Dragaunus just growled and pointed to it.

Wraith scratched his head. "Well, it seems that another duck has found a way to fight his fear.."

"WHAT!!!", Dragaunus suddenly yelled. "How can they do that? You can't fight against your fears, because they are in you - they belong to you! It's impossible to win - they should suffer, they should kill themselves!!! Tell me, WRAITH, IS THIS MACHINE WORKING OR NOT???"

Wraith gulped. "My lord, I have no idea how this all happened...."

His master waved his excused off. "I don't want to hear it. I give you two hours, and you will try to find the mistake and to repair it. Understood?"
And he left the room, leaving a wizard who had suddenly a lot of more problems than before.


* * *

When Grin opened his eyes for the next time, he felt confused at first. What had happened?
He remembered the strong feelings and all the anger he had felt and he shuddered. He was certain that he never wanted to experience that again.
Then he noticed something different. He had opened his eyes. He had - shuddered?

He was moving his fingers! HE! HIMSELF! Weakly he balled his fists and watched them. Wasn't it strange? Such a small movement....and yet it had taken him so much to reach it. Usually moving his hands was so normal - you don't even notice how precious this gift can be. Being able to move. To walk. To run. To see and to hear. Being able to talk. Small things in a simple life, but if you lose them, there's a hole which will never heal. And then, it's too late. But....it hadn't been too late for him!

He had regained control!!!

Grin smiled. He had managed it! Against all doubts and fears he had managed it!
He stood up and brushed the dirt away from his pants. Scanning the area, he wondered what he should do the next. This wasn't the real world, so much was clear. But it wasn't a dream either. So what? He stood silent for a moment, and then he knew what he had to do.
Nosedive. And Wildwing! Unforgivable what he had done to them, but still he had to tell them his excuse. He wouldn't run away, no , he wouldn't. he had done it once, in the past...he hadn't wanted to see his friends - had told his parents to give them a letter in which he had written down how sorry he was. But he had never seen them again. Never! Three weeks later they had moved, and the past stayed past --forever!
But not this time! He would change it, he would tell them sorry - immediately. Maybe they wouldn't forgive him - but at least they knew about his feelings.

"Hey Grin...", a soft voice whispered, and the huge duck turned around.

Two figures were standing on the other side of the street. The wind howled again, stroking over his face, causing him to shudder. It was not really cold...it just felt somewhat strange...and nice!
The sinking sun brightened the side-street, making the usually grey scenery colorful.
And Nosedive and Wildwing smiled.
Minutes passed until Grin found his words. Now while facing his friends, he found it extremely difficult to gather the courage to say something. Embarrassing and painful memories flashed through his mind, but he shove them away.

"Wing...Dive...", he finally croaked out. "What I did earlier....I didn't mean it. I would never hurt you...and I am truly sorry." he lowered his gaze and closed his eyes.
"I know that what I have done is unforgivable, but I hope that you believe me when I tell you that I didn't want this to happen. I would never hurt anyone of you on purpose - you are far too important to me - but I wasn't myself on this special point of time. I didn't have control...If you hate me, I will accept it - and understand it. But I want you to know that I regret it, more than everything, and if there was a way to change the past, I would take it....never mind how high the prize would be!"
Slowly he looked up, expecting to see disgust and hatred in the eyes of his friends - but all he could see was a friendly, warm smile on their faces. A smile? They smiled to him after what he had done? He gulped. Then Wildwing stepped nearer.

"We know, Grin. We know.", he laughed and waved with his hands. "I always knew. And so did Nosedive.", the teen nodded.
Grin blinked. "What? You knew that I didn't have control? But - why?"
Wildwing's eyes were sparkling. "Because I am not the real Wildwing. I am just an imagination...an imagination of your mind, created to fear and to destroy you."
"And because of that", Nosedive added, "You did never hurt the real Nosedive and the real Wing. They don't know anything about this. You just created us out of memories."
The huge duck stared at them. "So this all isn't true...like I expected..."
"Now it's your turn to fight and to find your way. To flee. To wake up.", Wildwing stated seriously. "But how?", Grin wanted to know, but the words came too late. With a soft 'pouf', the two figures disappeared without a trace. And the street was empty again.

Grin frowned, confused about the whole development of the situation. But then, when he replayed the scene in his head, he started grinning. Fleeing. Right.

He would fight. And he would get out of here. Back to reality.


Sometimes there's no other way

You have to face your fear

But sometimes

It can be that your greatest fear

Won't be as bad

As expected

And you'll realise

That you can be stronger

That you can win

Against your fear


To be continued....

I know that it was lame*weak smile* I will try to improve the next chapter!!!! ~Kaeera